My H can act reasonably cordial to me, and then, literally 5 minutes later, call me up and yell and me and hang up on me. For 25 years, I stupidly assumed that if we had an argument and he seemed to get over being angry, he actually was. Apparently not. Apparently he has no trouble pretending that everything is ok, when in reality he is furious. <P>For years, he would periodically be irritable, but claim that it was just that he wasn't feeling well. For a quarter of a century, he would be way beyond irritable every time we had to put the trash out, which we usually did together - I always thought it was just because it was a chore he didn't enjoy - it never occurred to me till after he left that maybe he was mad because in his mind putting the trash out should have been my job for some reason. <P>How can I go through the rest of my life dealing with a man who is so dishonest about his emotions that I can never tell how he is feeling, whether he has a problem with something I said or did or not, sometimes not till months or years later. And it is not just me - our son said something he objected to last December and my H never said a word about it until a couple of weeks ago. <P>How can he stand there and hold a normal conversation, laugh and act perfectly normal, then 5 minutes later call me and yell at me about something that had nothing to do with the conversation. Was this a mood swing, or was he furious with me the whole time, and just pretended he wasn't? The only thing that I can think would prompt the sudden change in mood was that I asked him if he could open a stuck window, and he refused, saying it was my house now (which isn't really true) and that if I couldn't open it without breaking it, neither could he (which is a little hard to believe, given our strength difference), and he was feeling guilty about his refusal. But I will never know. I will never know, for the rest of my life, if when he is angry at me if it is because of something I did, because of the OW, or because of something completely external. I will never know if he seems ok one minute if he will be furious the next. If he doesn't say otherwise, I will never know if he has objection to anything to do with child rearing, and if I will suddenly receive a letter from his lawyer or a nasty email from him about something I never knew he had a problem with. <P>Shortly after he left, I said something about how we pretty much agreed on child-rearing issues, and he denied it. I was floored. I have no idea whether this was yet another instance of his rewriting the history of our marriage, or if he really did disagree. And I never will, about any issue, ever, know how he feels. How can people co-parent under these conditions?

Hi Nellie,<P>I don't know what to tell you because I'm kinda in the same boat. My H keeps all of his feelings bottled up inside. He gets very uncomfortable if I try to peak over the wall to see what he might be feeling. He has a finely tuned knack of changing the subject , or relying on a humorous, non-sensical answer. Sometimes, it seems he has difficulty answering the simplest of questions. Once, around lunchtime, I asked him if he was hungry. He replied by telling me what he had for breakfast! All I wanted was a Yes or No answer. When I called him on it, he didn't even realize he had been evasive. He said that he'd been driving all morning, and he wasn't really sure if he was hungry or not. I said, "Then why didn't you just say that?"<P>It sounds to me like there is something going on inside your H. Like mine, he probably doesn't even realize it.<P>All you can really do at this point is realize it's him and not you. You can't control him or his actions. Only yours. <P>I would suggest to protect yourself that you get any type of "agreements" as far as the children are concerned, in writing, or via EMail. That way, if he denies agreeing to something, then you will have documentation. If he refuses to comply, there's always the voice-activated tape recorder when you have face to face discussions. <P>Hang in there. <BR>

The problem is - when people send mixed messages like your husband is doing, they end up frustrating theirselves in the long run more than they do the person they send the mixed messages to.<P>My husband does that all the time!!!! It is part of what I term as conflict avoidance, but then again "emotional dishonesty" is the same thing! And it always boils down to miscommunication, ulterior motives, or fear of conflict!<P>He drives me nuts! When we are alone, he'll get extremely angry and blow up about what so and so did, and then he'll call the guy, and help the guy come up with excuses, butter the guy up, and end the conversation - making the guy on the other end feel like he is his best friend! And then my husband will gripe and gripe and gripe about how the guy doesn't do what he's supposed to do. Go figure!<P>geez!<P>And, it doesn't stop there. "Do you want to go with me to my son's wedding in May?" "Why, I wouldn't want to miss that wedding, your son is very important to me"... then one week later throw it in your face about how hard he is sacrificing to go to a wedding that he really has no time for! And leave you in limbo on how you are going to get there until 1 week before! <P>The list can go on and on! He's asking me why everyone he has to deal with at work are so difficult.... So I told him, maybe communication techniques/methods would help you get the response you want out of people! Maybe make sure you communicate the same message, and make sure it doesn't sound like a mixed message!<P>And then, he wonders why people don't trust what he says.... So, I tell him that people hear one thing and then see something different, they begin to disbelieve you! (duh!)<P>Nellie, this is true, you may never know. But just know that your husband's "communication style" and "conflict within" is not your fault. <P>If you must coparent, you might want to repeat yourself and your questions - "Harry wants to go to camp next weekend. Should we make the plans or should we not? Would you like a couple of days to decide? We need to know by..." <P>How do you feel about..... 1 day later: Do you still feel... <P>You know, part of what the problem is "People pleasing". Unsure within themselves. <P>Nellie, you aren't alone on this one!<BR>TNT

You are definitely not alone!! This is one of the key problems H and I have in our marriage (in my opinion of course). He drives me absolutely looney tunes doing this "conflict avoidance" thing. He will act as if something is just fine and then it could be months later that I hear about what a jerk I am for saying this or doing that.<P>It makes me want to tear my hair out that we are unable to have a productive conflict session to resolve our issues. He just WILL NOT say what he's really feeling. It has gotten to the point where I have to be so attuned to his facial expressions, body language and tones of voice that I feel like a human lie detector machine. I have to DRAG his true feelings out of him over a period of sometimes a few HOURS just so that they don't fester and blow up at me weeks or months later.<P>I do not know what to do any more than you I'm afraid... just yesterday I was thinking to myself how this last week has actually been fairly nice and affectionate in our marriage (which is a rare thing). The next thing I know I'm reading an e-mail that he wrote to a friend of his about how immature and obnoxious I am (siting specific examples). How I never do anything for him and don't appreciate anything he does for me. I can't stand it anymore! He never showed that he felt that way at ANY time during the entire week! I honestly wish he would just leave me if he can't even figure out what the hell he wants or is feeling. Honestly!<P>Could you tell I needed a vent? The difference between he and I is that he KNOWS I feel this way. As soon as I read that darn e-mail I asked him what the hell was up? He just shrugs "I dunno". AHGGGGGG! <P>I just want an emotionally adult husband.<P>------------------<BR>"I believe... this is heaven to no one else but me - and I'll defend it long as I can be left here to linger in silence if I choose to would you try to understand?" - Sarah McLachlan

sidney,<P>Sometims my H's beating around the bush just doesn't make sense. Last night he asked me if the program our daughter was going to was considered preschool or camp. I had no clue what he was getting at - finally, after sounding exasperated that at me because I didn't really know the answer, he let me know what he was really asking - whether or not there were teacher conferences, with written evaluations. Why couldn't he have just asked that to begin with?<P>tnt,<P>Unfortunately, there are times when I am absolutely sure he is ok with something, and then later find out that he is not, at which point he will deny any memory of discussing the subject. It doesn't even make any difference if I have email confimation of whatever it is about - I can forward him a copy, and he will ignore its existence. <P>Monen,<P>I know what you mean about being a human lie detector machine. But there were many times when I knew he was upset, specifically asked him if it was about X, he would deny and say that it was really about some external event when apparently it was not.

OMG Nellie!<P>Seriously, my H does the EXACT same stuff! He will just claim he doesn't know what I'm talking about or doesn't remember anything about the situation. Since he likes to have any type of conflictual conversation via e-mail (which I hate) I have usually thrown out the proof in disgust. I need to learn to keep the stuff to prove I'm not crazy. <P>I also will ask him point blank if he's upset about a certain thing and he will flat out deny it. That's what I meant by it taking HOURS to finally get the real deal out of him.<BR>

It's funny that this was brought up today. I just went through an ordeal with a friend of mine that was much like this. After months of not speaking I find out that the reason for the upset was something I asked about, but was denied! "Did x upset you?", "No" when indeed it had! Ugghhh! Why do some people have such a hard time admitting to what upsets them?

I'm a husband who has (what I hope is a milder form of) a problem with emotional honesty and conflict avoidance. I've gotten alot better in this area in the last year and a half so there can be hope.<P>What I'm wondering is how many of these avoidant husbands grew up in extremely repressive religious environments? My own upbringing has caused me numerous problems. Any comment on my part that deviated even slightly from the 'gospel according to my dad' was punished very severely. I learned very early on(around 5 or 6 years of age) that my feelings about any and all topics were completely immaterial and that is was much safer to echo the 'party line'. It was at this point that I lost the connection between what I was truly feeling and what my parents wanted to hear. In fact my wife and I had been married for several years before I came to the startling revealation that when she asked me how I felt about something, that she really wanted to know how I felt, and NOT to engage in trying to figure out what she wanted to hear!!!<P>------------------<BR>

My husband grew up in a critical environment where alcohol was more important than kids - not religiously oppressive, however. Dogmatic, and bossy mother, and an alcoholic/infidel father. Maybe this is why he is avoidant and emotionally dishonest.<P>Sadboy,<BR>Thanks for posting this info. <BR>TNT

Well, you wnat to hear about extremely repressive religious environemnts....I spent many years in a Catholic orphanage in Pittsburgh, PA, in the early 60's. I have very vivid memories of being taken into the confessional in the church, and my left hand (the devils hand)whipped with a small, short leather whip, until my knuckles were all swelled up and red, and the hand was useless for hours. I WAS NOT to use it to eat or write with, and to this day, I do not. I AM left handed though, I throw lefty, kick(football) with my left foot, and still eat occasionally with it. When I was placed in a foster home, and I was able to settle there, my grade school report cards were all straight A's and B's and 'F's in writing......to this day, my handwriting is HORRIBLE.<P>Interestingly enough, I too am a "conflict avoider". I'd rather deal with pain in my own way, rather than seek help or tell someone of my pain. I AM learning to overcome this, but it's interesting of the parallels.

From what I can tell, my H's family upbringing was not this way - I think he was even encouraged to say what he thought, etc... I think even his parents are at a loss as he also chooses to avoid them rather than confront them and get things out in the open. They don't understand why he is like this either.<P>A rather LARGE example is when we became pregnant and decided to get married earlier than we had talked about. Rather than tell his parents and let them be a part of things, he simply didn't tell them at all. We got married and they didn't even know about it until a few months later - not to mention the fact that they were to be grandparents. I think they still haven't gotten over it. He does this to them in other ways all the time. I didn't know his family well enough at the time or I would have told them myself.<P>For some reason he is completely unable to handle his own emotions. Either that or he is unable to handle anyone else's. *sigh*

Monen,<P>My H prefers to handle conflict through email as well. It drives me crazy, because you can't have any back and forth conversation that way, plus it makes it easy for him to simply ignore anything I say that doesn't fit with his preconceived notions. I did, however, save every email he has sent me in the last 16 months.<P>Truthseeker,<P>I don't understand it either. It seems to me that if you aren't willing to say something about it, you should forgo your right to be upset about it.<P>sadboy,<P>My H's father has always seemed rigid and not very open to listening to other's opinions. His parents were not particularly religious, however. I never did understand why my H was never willing to let his father know how he felt about anything. Then again, I was shocked when I discovered that my H did not think religion was a appropriate topic for debate - but then my parents were Unitarian (joke told by our minister: Two Unitarians came to a fork in the road. One way said, "This way to Heaven". The other way said, "This way to a debate about whether Heaven exists." You can guess which way they went.)<P>swiz,<P>It seems from the responses here that there is a connection between repression and conflict avoidance - though your situation probably has most of the others beat!<P>Monen,<P>In addition to environment, I bet there is some personality component. At least two of my kids are very much conflict avoiders, and at least two others are just the opposite. <P>

I too have a great conflict avoider for a H. It is extremely frustrating, especially trying to pull out whatever is bothering him which can litterally take days. I can't tell if he is upset with something I did or if it is someone else or something else such as work. He is also a jelous type of person and when it is a jelousy issue he will be so upset with me and just angry but won't tell me what he is mad at, and it won't be until sometimes weeks later that he will blurt out that he is mad at me. <BR>I do believe that in many cases it does have to do with thier upbringing. At xmas time my Mother in law shed a lot of light on to why he is the way he is. We had to deal with a blow up from her where she was trying to make us feel guilty for spending time with my side of the family at xmas, and she wrote this huge nasty letter directed at my H and I. After months of not speaking to her when my H did finally talk to her she acted as if nothing was wrong, as nothing had happened. It showed me that this is how problems were dealt with, not talked about and not resolved. Just like the fact that his dad now is not his real birth dad, it is never talked about, his own sisters don't even know what happened - they were asking me. I just can't believe that his mother wouldn't even talk to him about it and its like a big secret. These are just examples of huge avoidance. <BR>I just wish that these guys would realize that it would help so much and make them feel so much better if they would deal with these issues instead of pretending that nothing happened.<BR>

fed up,<P>Several years ago my H's father said something to him that was very hurtful, yet my H never said a word to him about it. I have never seen him argue with his parents or even his brother. Yet he has never hesitated to argue with his co-workers or with perfect strangers, so I didn't think of him as a conflict avoider. Apparently he just avoids conflict with people whose love he doesn't want to lose.

I use to be a conflict avoider because of my upbringing. It was safest to go along, sit quietly, and not make waves. Basically, give up what you feel and pretend you feel what everyone else does.<P>Anyway, I looked around and all my family are these great pretenders. We pretend that we had this great home life full of concern for each other and act as if we really want what is best. BULL!!!!!! It was killing me ..... this pretending. I couldn't do it anymore and now the others have a difficult time being around me. They call because they think they have to. I'm basically down to my mother calling me. I miss them but I can't pretend when I know how much abuse went on in our home. <P>Now this is causing me trouble because I can't turn off being honest with myself and my h. I sometimes think he would rather me pretend although he won't. Actually, we just had a heated discussion because I find it better to not dance around subjects. Isn't it better to be very humble and just be honest with people. I know I want others to tell me the truth because I don't like the guessing game.<P>Sorry for barging in and thanks for letting me vent.<BR>Tess

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>I know I want others to tell me the truth because I don't like the guessing game.<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I hear you about the guessing game. It's enough to drive you nuts! I would much rather have someone tell me something potentially hurtful (who knows? I might learn something from it) than to deny that something I did upset them. Months later you find out they really were upset and now resent you for it.<P>And the whole matter can usually be cleared up by a simple 'yes' response when someone asks 'Are you upset that I did that?'. but eventhat is too confrontational for some people. <P>

TS,<BR>It took me a long time to get where I am in terms of being honest with myself and others. The reason I'm here is because I like not dealing with pent up frustrations. I like being honest about situations and my viewpoint on them. My h will tell the truth but first he likes to softened things for them. Drop hints and see if they get the picture on their own. I think is just waste time, starts them inthe wrong direction, and intensifies the confusion. I don't get it. He'll tell me the truth but not people that he deals with on a day to day basis. He's protective of their feelings. I still say that you can be gentle and honest. Thanks Tess<P>