Company luau went great. My H and OW are managers so she and her kids were there. Her H was at another luau of her family's half an hours drive away. She was eventually supposed to join him but <BR>there but she unfortunately decided to stay at our party. Several hours later he got angry and stormed into our party and using some very obscene language shouted some very ugly things about my H and OW so everyone could hear and tried to pick a fight with my H. My H would have liked nothing better for the opportunity but walked away b/c knows he was guilty of the A--tho it's in the past.(Three months now).<P>OW's H left with their kids. He called me by cell apologizing (we've been kind of a support team to eachother since d-day. He won't read the Harley book I gave him and thinks he can win her back on his own. OW and he still live together but she is open about loving/wanting my H back and that makes him LB/act out all the time).<P>Basically he said to tell my H to watch his back for the rest of his life. He's gonna get what's coming to him. OW's H isn't going to take this anymore, etc. Called an hour later to tell me he has two knives in his car, tell my H to meet him--he wants a fight "to the death", he has nothing left to lose, etc. Described other alternatives to ways they could do combat, basically doesn't care if he dies but wants the opportunity to kill my H. Not even bringing up the mental health and future of his children (that he told me was his main focus in life a week or so before) could make him see straight. <P>OW eventually went home after apologizing to us and their boss and after she and I had a long talk about her options and safety. He never hits her or involves the kids--takes his out his anger verbally or driving crazy, etc. Before we left for home my H left a phone message on their answering machine calmly stating that he did not want to fight with him, he knows that he's hurting, etc.. <P>We got home and have a series of threatening (my H's life) phone messages on our answering machine. We won't be erasing them.<P>Icky Jerry Springer stuff. An hour ago we passed eachother on the highway and he made a nice little gesture to my H if you know what I mean. So he hasn't changed his mind.<BR>I still tend to look at him like he's a wounded wild animal. He's hurting and desperate so wants to take it out on my H because of his W's rejections. It's almost suicidal cause my H is much bigger than he is. If he put all this energy to changing his ways he could have had a chance with his W. Unfortunately he thinks he's righteous and justified in his actions b/c he never had an A. <P>I don't want to file a police report and ruin this man's name and reputation for the rest of his life. Is there a way of doing so without it aggravating the situation? Can we make sure this is just documented and not have the police go over to his house and investigate/inflame the situation? I don't want to see this put in the "Police Blotter" section of our community newspaper. But I would like to make it difficult for OW's H to buy a gun.<P>I was just wondering if anyone else has had to do something like this and the outcome before I call the police station and make state our situation. <P>I'd appreciate all advice or a few words of encouragement. We're feeling pretty stressed at the moment. But at least we're stressed as a team.<P>The boss and OW's H will have a meeting on Monday to avoid violence in the workplace. This is the same boss that verified the A for us on d-day. She is also my next door neighbor and friend.<P>P.S. This is also another good reason why Dr. H says to move out of the state! <P>

Wow, Leilana! I'm not "up" on your whole story, but from your post, it sounds like the affair is over. Has your H ever told OW's H that it's over? That he is no longer interested in his wife? What about an apology? Maybe that's all this guy wants to hear is that it's really over and your H is sorry for what he did. Maybe a kind of No Contact letter (emphasizing the apology part) written by your H to her H is in order???<P>Not sure about the laws in your particular state, but it doesn't sound like he has broken any laws. Yet.<P>Best of luck to you.<BR>

Aloha Leilana,<P>I'm so sorry for the upheveal today.<P>With regards to notfying law enforcement, I live in the State of WA, I had to go to the police regarding OW (she's an abusive nutcase). They told me they cannot just take the information down and file it to back-up future offenses. Depending on what I filed, ant-harassment or restraining order, sd they'd pay her a visit to explain the complaint and stipulations .... HOWEVER, I spent some time w/an officer and played some taped msgs from OW. He took special interest in it and called the local detective in my area (Gig Harbor), he coordinated a meeting with detective at my convenience in my home. So I'm to call him to have him come over and interview me and collect the evidence. Like you, all I want to do is make them aware of her threats and harassment, so I hope this detective will simply do that. If he pays her a visit I know I can expect retaliation.<P>I'll keep you up to date Leilana...<P>Mahalo,<BR>Jo

Sidney,<BR>Thank you so much for caring and responding. Yes, to your first 3 questions--all done on d-day--all four of us were all in the same room. My H never wrote a letter of apology--I guess our focus was only on our marriages. It does sound like a good idea since we're so much in eachother's lives. Have you heard of it being done before?<P>As far as "No Contact"--no letter was ever made--it just doesn't make sense in our case. H and OW are coworkers and actually have to sit in on meetings together, etc. OW refuses to leave her job altho she knows she is more expendable than my H. She just wants to be near him. The boss did set strict rules they both must adhere to, basically to avoid contact at all times or at the very least, never be alone together if the task at hand makes contact unavoidable. All their coworkers are watchful chaperones (they all know the situation).<P>I assumed harrassment and threatening to kill was illegal. I guess it's legal but it's really a bummer!<P>Thanks for the input. We're really thinking about that letter you suggested. <P><BR>Aloha Resilient,<BR>Your post really put the brakes on our wondering if we should report or not to the police--"just for documentation"--and I'm so glad for it. We really don't want to upset him or damage his rep anymore than he already has done. Your info and timely response are priceless. I'm hoping the best for you in your struggles with the OW. Good luck!<P>Mahalo Nui Loa,<BR>Leilana

Leilana:<P>Please do not underestimate the threat here.<P>I know it is hard to believe that someone you know and have spoken with and considered a support person can do your husband harm, but it can happen. Some people have not learned how to handle stress. The behaviour you are seeing indicates to me that OH is that type of person.<P>What he is doing legally can be descibed as stalking according to the State of Hawaii's legal definitions that I found. ( <A HREF="http://www.nvc.org/law/stlkhi.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://www.nvc.org/law/stlkhi.htm</A> )<P>Please, to you and Resilient, keep yourselves safe. Ask yourself which is more important, your husband's life or this man's reputation.<P>Noho palekana (which I think means "be safe" but might mean "your address is a strongbox...") --HBC

Leilana,<P>I know that this may not seem fair but I suggest that your H find another job in another company and perhaps even move to another town. That will eliminate any further contact with the OW. You are showing amazing grace in not requireing this yourself. It is the last gesture that your H can offer that he has no interest in this OW. It may cause financial hardship but I think it will be repaid with a more peaceful existance. Just my $.02<P>Mud

I would suggest you contact the police. This is not just a little issue here. I don't think changing jobs is going to help at this point. The man sounds suicidal and has no problem taking someone with him.<P>The police need to know what is going on here. This is a big mess, but when death threats start showing up,it is more than a mess. <P>Get serious this man has been driven over the edge and this is a dangerous situation.<P>JL

HBC and JL,<BR>Thank you so much. I know the danger is real. He is unpredictable. He has called me since and I think I got him to listen and explained what happened from everyone's angle. He started to think. His rage was based on his W's actions and a misreading of a situation. (She lied to him.) He sounded like himself after a few hours of talking. But I am by no means lulled into complacency. I take your warnings to heart--it is what I plan to do but I just want to give him a little more time to get help. A police report will ruin his life--it will affect his business, his already low self-esteem, and the future custody battle of his kids. We may be able to do damage control now, but there is no way to undo the destruction of that man's life once the ball starts rolling. And then he really will have a good reason to wish us dead. <P>We are waiting for the boss to have that talk with him, as well. Just a little more time. <P>Mud-Honey, I KNOW this--believe me I do--I will never have a good enough reason for you to understand why we don't move. Re the job: My H's boss will let OW go before she would accept my H's resignation. We've all talked. We are giving OW time to resign on her own. We may have to speed up that time limit in light of the recent events and potential for workplace violence.<BR> <BR>If I ever plan B, I will move. But I believe my H would wither and die if he ever had to leave our island home--he is such a local-boy. It's a source of his strength. It's who he is. Everyone who knows him knows this. It would be like taking a fish out of water. I would rather leave him than ask that of him.<P><BR>