is there anyone who can help me with this?<BR>my H doesnt actually lie to my face but has always conveniently left out bits, mainly the truth. Basically he often gives me half the story and leaves out the rest, the rest being the more honest info I was asking about. Somehow he feels this is "ok" that he is not lying if he doesnt actually say it. Years post affair, its now just about small everyday things but its a constant way of life for him. He did have a hard childhood and ran from everything when he was young (aggresive father, school, home) and so its ingrained from then I feel as a way of not getting into trouble. All Ive ever wanted is the whole truth. Can anyone help, can he change? It was discussed in counselling but not pursued in depth.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by tears:<BR><B>is there anyone who can help me with this?<BR>my H doesnt actually lie to my face but has always conveniently left out bits, mainly the truth. Basically he often gives me half the story and leaves out the rest, the rest being the more honest info I was asking about. Somehow he feels this is "ok" that he is not lying if he doesnt actually say it. Years post affair, its now just about small everyday things but its a constant way of life for him. He did have a hard childhood and ran from everything when he was young (aggresive father, school, home) and so its ingrained from then I feel as a way of not getting into trouble. All Ive ever wanted is the whole truth. Can anyone help, can he change? It was discussed in counselling but not pursued in depth. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I don't know if this helps but I know how you feel. My H and I have been in therapy for almost a year and he constantly leaves out little pieces of info in our conversations. He tells me that if he were to give me these tidbits of info that I would get angry and he also does not like confrontations. I don't press the topic anymore because it does not seem to help. I probably can relate to all of the feelings that you feel when you find out the missing info. All I can say is believe that it is his problem not yours even though it hurts. I feel that if or when my husband grows up and accepts the responsibility of marriage and children he will realize he needs to make choices that are better suited to marriage and will not feel the need to omit info out of our conversations. If you find a solution I would be interested to know.<P>

Lies of ommission.....funny the way they look at them.<P>That's something that Robert was ALWAYS a little guilty of..."Why tell you something that's not important if it's just gonna upset you?" AAUUUGGGHHHH!!!!!<P>If it's any consolation, our Plan Aing each other is making it better....he's a thousand times better than he used to be. It was hard at first. When I'd get a little information out of him that I could TELL he wasn't keen on telling, I had to make certain NOT to react at all! Just thank him and act like it didn't bother me. When the time was right and it wasn't so fresh and raw in my head (maybe a couple of days or weeks), I'd bring it up again and we'd talk about it - calmly. He'd say he was worried it would upset me. I'd say that it did a little, but the good feeling that he trusted me enough to tell me made it all better. It took a long time for him to realize that the truth hurts less than secrets.<P>Like I said, it's MUCH better now. Every now and then, I can tell there's something he's leaving out, but now I'm pretty confident that he'll just "slide it in" at a later time....and he does.<P>Good luck with this one! Long-time habits are hard to break. And that's the hardest part....most of the time I think they WANT to give us the honesty we need, but fear and habit hold it up. Encourage the baby steps.<P>Lori

Sins of ommission are as bad as sins of commision IMHO and therein lies the rub....<P>Lying deceit etc. are all symptoms of withholding information which do not enable the recipient to get the full picture and communicate and deal with whatever is going on.<P>This my H did forever....by giving not enough or "warped" info...to reflect on himself positively only, then I was never dealing with the whole truth (and that is the only way I can operate) <P>This is a form of controlling manipulation, in that the information is used to control what the receiver knows and manipulate their thoughts into an opinion that is not a true reflection of whatever the issue is all about.<P>Until this is stopped and the person understands that this is flawed way of operating, and life that way is always dishonest, then they will continue to live in "fantasy" land in so many ways!

You know the phrase, "been there, done that", only for me it's "am there, doing that". I don't know how to have them work through this. It's like, if I don't say it, it's not lying. So, if he didn't tell me about the A, it's not like he was lying? I don't get that at all. And now, I have to ask him all the time about communication with the OW. I have to phrase it legally. "Have you had any communication in any way, shape, or form with the OW?" And still, when he says "no", it's hard to believe that he isn't finding someway around the question that justifies his response. I've never been like that. I've never held anything back. Perhaps that is why this is so difficult for me.<P>Good luck to you all with this. I empathize completely.