OK, for those of you that don't know, me and Tama have been on "vacation" from his parents. They left on the 29th and they're coming back Tuesday. The thing is that me and Tama have gotten used to be in the house without them and it's going to be really hard when they come back. <P>Since they've been gone, I've been thinking how much we've actually been around them and it's been too much for me. If you really think about it, there's hardly ever a time that I can go downstairs without Tama's mother being there. I could go downstairs at 2am and she would wake up just to see who was downstairs. <P>The only thing I can hope that Tama will see that we can be peaceful and happy like this in our own place and that he'll get sick of living with his parents. I told him that when they come back that things are going to be the way they were. I told him that this isn't our house. I told him that I will never be happy living with someone else other than him and my son. I don't know if he understands this or not, but I told him that I will try to be "peaceful" since I've been under a tremendous amount of stress since I've moved in here (3 years ago, yes, I know that's long).<P>Tama told me that his parents were planning on moving back to Washington state and that they were going to "give" him this house. I told him h*ll no and that I couldn't live in a place that I hadn't earned. I told him that since I didn't like it here already that it would be pointless and only destroy our marriage if he accepted this house. He hasn't said anything about it.<P>Well, I guess I just wanted to get some things off my chest before they come back. Thanks for listening to me. <P>PS I managed to "reconstruct" my web page and it looks a lot better than it did before. Just thought I would let you know in case you wanted to go there. <P>------------------<BR> <A HREF="http://www.geocities.com/zbucketmouse" TARGET=_blank>http://www.geocities.com/zbucketmouse</A> is where my page is. Check it out!:)

I don't know your story, so please don't be offended by this question, how old are you and your husband? The reason that I ask is that being a man, it seems somewhat unusual that your husband seems to not have a problem with being married and living with his parents, and for 3 years. I can totally understand how stressful that must be for you, to be a wife and yet not be the "woman" of the house. I mean no disrespect when I say this, but it sounds like your husband hasn't cut the apron strings from his mother.

Hi Yuki -<P>I have a couple of questions for you, too. I don't know your full story, but is there some kind of medical/financial reason why you are living with your husband's folks? I have a friend and her husband who live with their in-laws - even though they could afford to live on their own, but choose to do so to take care of their aging parents. I know how stressful this situation can be for them, and I know how hard it must be for you.<P>If there are some real tough reasons why you are living with them, you and your husband need to talk about it and see if you can work on alternative solutions. I would just be honest with your H and let him know that you feel uncomfortable with the living arrangements, that you have tried (for three years) to make it work out, but that you all need to try something different.<P>If his parents are "willing" to give you the house once they move (when they move), what price does your marriage have pay? I hope I haven't offended you either, but I know I would go crazy if I had to live with either my parents or my H's parents - and for three years . . .There has to be some options for you, try to think about those.

F A:<P>Hi. I am by no means offended. I've heard this so many times about him and it's what I think too. As for our ages, I am 21 and he is 23. The reason why Tama doesn't think it's a problem to live with his parents because his mother does EVERYTHING for him. If he wants a $140 pair of tennis shoes and whines loud enough, he'll get them. It makes me so angry, but that's the way he was raised. Also, it doesn't help that his mother didn't want us to get married and she doesn't like the fact that I'm not mexican. So, with those two things in mind, she is trying real hard to keep her son at home with her while I'm trying real hard to get him to see that we need to go. I do believe that he's scared to leave his mother because if you think about it, she's basically taken care of him for 23 years. He's gotten everything his wants and more. So it would seem to me that he's trying to figure out a way to always have access to her money and to have us (me and my son), hence our living situation. All I can do is pray for him because the Lord knows I want to move whether he comes or not......I hope he makes the right choice and comes with me....<P>SKM:<P>I'm also not offended. As I said to F A, I've heard all this stuff before and I've never been offended. That's just the way he is right now. It's as everyone here and my family tell me, I can only change myself, not him. I'm 21 and I'm responsible for my own actions, he's 23 and will be responsible for his actions whether he likes it or not. <P>As for you question, for awhile, there was a financial reason, but there was also my past. At the time that I went to live with Tama, I "ran away" (I was 18 at the time) from home because of the abuse from my mother (you'd have to look at my other thread, "Name change or not?" for that story). So, basically I ran straight to him. So for awhile it was financial, but that's no longer an excuse anymore because I make a decent amount of money for someone who's not in college...yet (yes, I'm going to go). When he saw that I wanted to move, his counterattack (along with his mother's urging) was to work at Best Buy, a job where he doesn't even work 40 hours a week and can get anywhere from 20 to 38 a week. There is no guaranteed schedule and he WILL NOT take any of the benefits (health insurance, dental insurance) from there. At first I was really angry about that, but now I don't care because sooner or later, he's going to be sorry for all he's put me thru.<P>Oh man, I don't think anyone has understood how much I've tried to talk to him about this. I've tried begging, pleading, crying, threatening, telling him I hate it here, all kinds of stuff, but he keeps on saying we're going to move, but has never done anything about it. I don't say that much about it anymore except that I've been in Plan A for awhile (I think it's been months or something, I don't count) and since his parents took this vacation, he's been a lot happier being around me and my son. I told him it could be like this EVERYDAY if we had our own place. He couldn't say anything. <P>The thing with this house is that they told him that when they decide to go back to their home state, they're going to "give" him this house. I asked him if they had spoken to his brother about this (he has a brother that's almost 30) and he said no. I told him that that was wrong what they were doing behind the brother's back. I told him that if they give him this house that he would be here living by himself. <P>As far as the price my marriage would pay, I think it would totally destroy it because his mother still wants some kind of control over him even though he's married so by giving him this house, she can still be in his/our business. It's sad whenever I look at her because she's trying sooo hard to hold on to him and all that's going to do is the same thing what happened to me and my mother....he's going to end up hating her. I guess it's making it harder for him since I'm in Plan A and his mother can no longer make me out to the be enemy because I've been Plan A'ing her too. It's really a sad game that she's playing her with all her children and grandchildren (and she's trying with my son). Whenever I look at her and her husband, I use to wonder why she always wants to be around all the kids, but now I know. She has no life and the fact that her husband has been in the military has been the last straw for her. She needed someone emotionally and Tama was in the wrong place and the wrong time along with his brother. It's really a shame. I actually feel sorry for her. <P><P>------------------<BR> <A HREF="http://www.geocities.com/zbucketmouse" TARGET=_blank>http://www.geocities.com/zbucketmouse</A> is where my page is. Check it out!:)

Miaka,<P>I'm glad you stuck around. Your posts are no longer fillied with belly-aching, they are now filled with hope and acceptance. My you have grown in such a short period of time. As for all these other issues keep doing the next right thing in a spiritual way and God will take care of you.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR><P>May the roads rise to meet you,<BR>May the winds always be at your back,<BR>May the sun shine warm upon your face,<BR>The rains fall soft upon your fields,<BR>And until we meet again,<BR>May god hold you<BR>In the hollow of his hand.

IF his parents are really going to move (and this I am skeptical about after reading what I have) and IF they really do give him the house make sure that it is in BOTH your names and then... when it is all taken care of.... sell the place and buy a new home... then you don't have to live in a place you haven't earned... think of it as an early inheritance and leave it at that...<P>Good luck to you....

I'm curious as to what your h's cultural background is? Maybe there is some culture bound reason for attachment to his family? If that is the case, I'd find some way to work around it. If you are working against culturally determined ways of being that are considered adaptive for the entire family, you are likely to lose that game.<P>Now, if the family does leave, enjoy your partial victory! It's an improvement over the past. You may come to like the place with them not in it. Or like Lacee said, maybe you can sell it and move somewhere else.<P>Take courage in the little things. They give us strength to keep going towards the big goal.<BR>

WilliamJ:<P>Yeah, I'm still here....unfortunately! But yeah, I had to grow up fast, somebody has to to fight for this marriage. I guess since I'm focusing on more what I have to do, it doesn't really matter to me what kind of tricks and things that they want to pull on my to "test the waters". I've gotten to the point where I don't care anymore, not saying that I don't care about Tama, it's just that I'm not worried about him like I was.<P>Lacee:<P>Hi there! You're right for being skeptical because I am too. I think this was all a plot to "test" me. They're not going to move because she has to have some kind of control over her sons and if she's across the country, she can't do that. <P>Even if she does actually give him the house, I want no part of it. I say that because I don't want something someone else has trashed because I don't know all the problems with this house so why should my name be on it? For all I know, if they do give it to him, everything could start breaking down when he gets it. I see what you mean by selling it, though. But if you really think about it, if we sell it, she's going to want some if not all of the money from the house. I told Tama that if he accepts the house that he would be living here by himself. I told him that it doesn't make sense if I'm trying so hard to get out of here that he would take this house. He hasn't said anything about it. Thanks Lacee, I will try to keep things calm as I have been. <P>popeye:<P>I don't mind answering questions. As far as his background is, he's mexican. As far as I've been told, almost all mexicans live like this. As far as him being so attached to his family is because that's the way his mother raised him. She raised him to be scared to trust other people other than his family. I was surprised that he fell in love with me (I'm not mexican). It's weird watching him with his friends because you can tell that he wants to be close to them, but he's holding back. She taught him to be dependent on her, that's why he's 23 and still lives with his parents. He's scared and doesn't know anything else other than what she taught him. If only he'd wake up and realize that everybody's not the enemy....It's really hard living like this. I will consider everything you guys have said. I think I will feel a whole lot better struggling to pay for something that I got with my own hands than to have something handed to me. I would definitely be more appreciative if I was able to work for it. <P>I know for a fact that his mother knows I want to leave. She's been trying to do everything in her power to keep us here by being nicer, letting us (I don't use it) drive their car, letting us (I don't do this either) eat their food, and stuff like that. I know for a fact that she knows that he's struggling with this, but it's kinda like that commerical on TV. You know, the one where the guy is sitting there and the angel is sitting on one shoulder and the devil is sitting on the other one. I feel like the angel that's trying to get him to see reality and it's like she's the devil trying to stop him from growing up. It's really weird. I've been nice to her despite all this, but I know it's not going to last. The bottom line is that we have to leave and I will do everything in my power to get me and my son out of here if he doesn't come......I hope he does....<P>------------------<BR> <A HREF="http://www.geocities.com/zbucketmouse" TARGET=_blank>http://www.geocities.com/zbucketmouse</A> is where my page is. Check it out!:)

Hi again,<P>My H is Mexican and I am not. He loves his mother dearly, and so do I. But she has NEVER interferred with our marriage. She is great with advice, but I will tell you one thing. She almost ALWAYS sticks up for me if there is a discussion about anything. She never allowed any disrespect in her home. <P>While my H and I were having our problems, she told me to stop letting him treat me as his posession or property. I was an individual and deserved to be treated as one. <P>I think that it is possible that some Mexican families are like that, but I believe it is the same with all races. I know that there is a great closeness in my H's family as well as in mine. But I think the problem in your H's case, is that his mother created a mommas boy and that is just how it is. Nothing more.... <P>Still wishing you luck....

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lacee:<BR><B>Hi again,<P>My H is Mexican and I am not. He loves his mother dearly, and so do I. But she has NEVER interferred with our marriage. She is great with advice, but I will tell you one thing. She almost ALWAYS sticks up for me if there is a discussion about anything. She never allowed any disrespect in her home. <P>While my H and I were having our problems, she told me to stop letting him treat me as his posession or property. I was an individual and deserved to be treated as one. <P>I think that it is possible that some Mexican families are like that, but I believe it is the same with all races. I know that there is a great closeness in my H's family as well as in mine. But I think the problem in your H's case, is that his mother created a mommas boy and that is just how it is. Nothing more.... <P>Still wishing you luck....</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hi Lacee! Boy I wish his mom could treat me like that! She's always trying to instigate things so it turns out that I'm the bad guy and she's the helpless mother who's being picked on by me. It worked for awhile, but it's not anymore. <P>You're right about her creating a mamma's boy. All of her sons are like that, 3 including Tama. I feel sorry for the youngest one because Tama told me that he said when he grows up that he's going to take care of them. I think that's what she wants. She doesn't want her sons to leave her. She cried when me and Tama got married and said that she "lost" her son.....it doesn't seem like it to me. It looks like he's still very much in her behind! Sorry, I just had to throw that in because sometimes this whole thing makes me laugh! <P><P>------------------<BR> <A HREF="http://www.geocities.com/zbucketmouse" TARGET=_blank>http://www.geocities.com/zbucketmouse</A> is where my page is. Check it out!:)