does anyone (betrayed) here regularly see the OP?<BR>Is there a right way to handle this situation? <BR>should I just simply keep walking and ignore?<p>[This message has been edited by tears (edited July 12, 2000).]

I see the latest OW almost every day.<P>My H has never admitted that he had anything going on with her, although I believe that whatever was going on ended when I confronted him. I'm trying to act as if I trust him. I have never said anything to the OW about my suspicions, but act sweeter'n heck around her. I figure that I get on her nerves a bit.

Hi,<P>I see the OW regularly, sometimes several times a week. Quite frankly, the way I act to her depends on the circumstances and the mood I'm in.<P>I lay the responsibility for the affair squarely on my husband, but I do feel that she betrayed my trust. The only people who know about the affair are me, my husband, and her. Our children associate, so seeing her is unavoidable. Sometimes I ignore her, but most of the time I am cooly polite. It is very difficult, though.<P>At first I tried to have civil conversations with her, but quickly realized that she is a fruit loop living in lala land. I try to avoid any meeting that I possible can.<P>Best wishes,<P>Peppermint

Sorry Tears, I've never laid eyes on the OP. I am curious to know what she looks like, but that's all it is is curiosity.<P>Jo

WWJD?<P>

This has been the most difficult part of my own personal recovery as I have to have frequent contact with the OW. Her husband does not know about the affair and is a close friend to my husband and they also work closely together at church. For a period of time after D-day I tried to be of assistance to the OW- who had supposedly been a friend of mine- and I provided her with some spiritual guidance and at that time voiced my intentions of forgivness. Now we only see each other at church and on occasion in social settings- our children play together and sometimes part of me wants to strike out at her but God has always helped me to treat her kindly. There is a scripture that God led me to in the beginning and I refer to it often- Proverbs 11:17-"A kind man benefits himself, but a cruel man brings trouble on himself." Somtimes it is harder than others and time helps a little although now it has been almost 2 years and I still have to battle this. God bless you as you stuggle with this.

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Sorry about that, having trouble with "flood-control"--whatever that is.<P>I am going to make some of you guys sick to your stomachs but here it goes.<P>Because of a freaky situation this past weekend I found myself walking barefoot on some rough and partially submerged lava rocks on the ocean shoreline with the OW--we were going to talk privately--her H had just LB'd her in an obscene way and threatened my H's life at the luau we were all at. My H was 10 yards away and was getting ready to return back to the party to do damage control. I was walking ahead (I've walked on lava rocks all my life--it actually hurts if you don't have experience doing it) but she was slipping on the wet rocks and I heard her say "Ouch" and realized she was struggling. I turned around to help her as she was stranded on a far rock kind of below me and so reached for her hand. She took it and I helped pull her up to my rock. I looked up behind her then and saw my H watching us. He gave me this most beautiful lopsided smile with such a look of love in his eyes and then kind of slowly shook his head. Then he turned and walked back up the beach. He didn't even wait to see OW turn around.<P>I'm not going to nauseate you further but it really does make me feel good that my H is proud of my actions. And more importantly,<BR>I actually feel good when I behave more like the way I think He would like (and less like the way you-know-who would like) towards the OW.<P>I can hear the collective groans and heaves already! That's why I hesitated to post it--but my first answer is just as relevent, I think.<P>Usually, tho, I just smile and say hi or wave when I see her--and, yes, it's almost daily.<p>[This message has been edited by Leilana (edited July 12, 2000).]

Wow Leilana that was incredible. I have spoken with OW twice on the phone - she lives a long distance away (she and my H met on the internet) and I've seen photos. My husband still has the photos - most are downloads on a disc drive and there is one set of black and white photos from one of those photo booths. Those hurt the most, because my husband looks so happy and relaxed in the photos. I've had every opportunity to destroy all of these, but won't. I've told my husband that it is something he must do when he's ready. All contact with OW has ceased by the way. But a note - anytime I've lashed out about OW and tried to point out flaws, my husband has of course become defensive about her. BUT, he has discovered flaws about her, and questions have come up in his mind, but those have been the result of his own thinking not mine. This is good! In an odd way I'm more obsessed about her than he is and he pointed out to me last weekend when we were having a good talk, that when I bring her up he does start to think about her. He's honest that he had wonderful intense times with her and it is hard to let go. I've showed him that I empathise with him, and have acknowledged to him that it must be hard for him.<BR>What I've learned from this is to stop talking about her! If I need to vent - I'll do it elsewhere - our focus needs to be on us. Phew! Pretty long winded. Guess I needed to vent.<BR>

I've only seen the OW from a distance, but as much as I would like to be Jesus-like, I just think I would have to ignore her if I ever ran into her. I would be so afraid that if I opened my mouth, it wouldn't be nice what I said. Maybe at some point in the future, but not now. I do pray for her however....it's usually a short prayer and I tell God how hard it is for me to even do it. But she must be a pretty sad type of person to feel her only option was to steal another person's husband and break up a home.<P>Leilana...this is off subject....but where do you live? I live on the Big Island of Hawaii, on the Hamakua Coast. Just wondering...it sounds like you're from Hawaii too. Just wondering.<P>Aloha!<BR>Mrs.O<BR>

Aloha Mrs. O,<BR>The Garden Isle.<BR>

I see the OP two or three times a week as I have to pass their house. When he's outside, I ignore and move on. About 80% of the time, he sees me coming and turns his back to work on something or ducks into the garage. I like this reaction.

Leilana: I have no idea how you have managed to maintain such civil contact with the ex-OW and her H what with all you've described here--not to mention just that teensy little affair thing that went on. <P>Tears: As for me seeing OW, PA OW used to rent my condo. We were forced into contact when I had to get another renter. I also made a point of accompanying H to the airport and picking him up at the gate when he went on business travel after D-day. Every time she sees me she ducks her head and runs (no, really--RUNS!) in the other direction. She made a good number of snide comments to me on the phone while I was setting up times to show the place, but she can't look me in the eye. I wonder if she gets the same sickness in the pit of her stomach that I do.<P>As for the phone sex woman and the internet women, I have "chatted" with them on line using my H's account. None of them knew he was married and all of them ditched H as soon as they found out. As far as I know.<P>How are you doing, Tears? Is this helping at all? --HBC

Tears, Mrs. O, HBC,<P>It's not incredible and doesn't even feel like a sacrifice. And I don't feel "Jesus-like". I'm ashamed to say I don't even regularly go to church. There was a brief period (the 2nd nite after d-day) that I would have happily and literally strangled OW if she had been within 5 feet of me! Even now, if I so chose, she wouldn't stand a chance against me--I'm petite but I'm half Mexican/half Irish. Purebred Pitbull, with papers!!<BR> <BR>That being said...<P>Let me try to explain it. It's kind of like a divine grace...I've gotten to a place where I feel such a state of calm. I feel as if Jesus is watching me or standing right next to me. I can "conjure up" this feeling whenever I'm faced with "proof" (which it never turns out to be!) that my H has lied to me or started up with the A again. Or when he's LB'd or messes up on my EN's. That feeling I get is what keeps me from major LBing (which I've done a few times before!). It's like I can feel His hand on my shoulder and that calms me. I don't even remember wanting to have this feeling--I don't know how it came to be. Maybe alot of people are praying for me for strength and this is the gift I got. However I got it, I'm very grateful for it.<BR> <BR>Sure I get annoyed and frustrated and ANGRY--I have a horrible temper! But I seem to be able to channel to better use (yes, there is a use for it!! To fight the Good Fight!!)<P>Now I can see OW as I would see any other confused and hurting human being that's stumbling along and making poor choices. So I reach out to her like I reach out to people in here and everywhere--with love in my heart. It's natural for me to do this, being a nurse--or vice versa--it's the reason I became one. But I also feel that this is expected of all of us. Why else were we given the greatest Teacher? <P>

I've only spoken to the OW once and I was very civil and classy. I live in a small town and sometimes see her in her car. I just ignore her. I vacillate between wanting to make an obscene gesture and being noble.

I don't see the OW anymore. She was my best friend in the whole world for over 20 years. I was totally unaware of their 15 month affair and accidentaly found out about it. When I tried to contact the OW to try to understand why she would do this she refused to talk to me, write to me, or any other forms of communication. <P>That all was going on in late February of this year. I had pretty much written her off and assumed that I would never get closure on her part in this affair. I assumed she was feeling guilt or some other emotion of remorse for what she had done and decided to get on with my life and recovery with my H.<P>Yesterday, I heard from OW. She was not feeling guilt. She was feeling anger because I had messed up a good thing. She was angry with my H for not getting her permission to discuss their affair with me. (I don't remember either of them asking my permission to enter into their affair).<P>Her contact with me as a full-scale verbal attack on me and on my H. It was full of her anger and her desire to marry my husband. FYI, my H has had no contact with her since he confessed their affair to me. Yes, I have been snooping to confirm this.<P>OW has made a lot of assumptions about my H and myself without the benefit of actually discussing anything with us. It was her choice to have no contact. Not mine.<P>I ended by telling her that I felt it best if we had no further contact since all she seemed to want was vengance. I wished her happiness and told her that I was not leaving this friendship in anger but rather in deep sadness.<P>