firstly thanks to all, and I have particularly enjoyed reading SKM and Wayfarers posts from the betrayers point of view. Its refreshing to hear such totally honest and to the point posts, they give us betrayed a great insight into our spouses.<P>Im not sure if this is ok to ask this, Ive never seen it asked before. But here goes (please dont let it upset you, its not in any way judging the betrayers).<P>When you were in your affair what was it actually like (feel like) when you are lying to your spouse and sneaking around? <BR>what were your feelings when you had to lie?<BR>also.....<BR>Did you ever feel you would get caught? <BR>how much time did you spend on the OP, both in real life and in your thoughts? <BR>Was it like two separate lifes or not? <BR>What were your thoughts about your spouse at that time?<P>Oops lots of questions, sorry they just came rattling out!!<BR><p>[This message has been edited by tears (edited July 12, 2000).]

Tears -<P>Wow, such tough questions so early in the morning . . .I have a cup of coffee in front of me, so I'll try to answer them one by one. I think every situation is different, but I'll try to answer your questions honestly.<P>What did it feel like when I was lying to my spouse? Absolutely miserable. For me, I never cheated on anything - school, games, whatever - so to lie to the one person I could be totally honest with (my H), was very hard for me. I was so deep into having my needs met, or feeling special, or whatever it was by the OM, that I continued to lie to be with him. Each time, I said I was working late, I would go be with OM, and then go home, I could not even look at my husband. <P>I think the reason I finally confessed everything to my husband (he was completely oblivious to what was going, he never had a reason to doubt me)was that I couldn't take the lying and the cheating. The two times I had the PA, the sex meant nothing to me. Sure I felt sleazy as all get out, but I just found it impossible to continue to lie to my husband. I got no thrill from sneaking around. I think my A had more to do with my poor self-esteem than anything. Why did I continue to lie and sneak around? I'm not placing blame on anyone, but myself, but the OM was VERY persistent. When I knew things were getting out of hand, I really struggled to break away from the OM. I kept saying that we could only be friends. I'm married. I love my husband. I can't do this to him. But the OM was too slick for me, he knew exactly what my weaknesses were and knew what exactly to say in order to convince me to see him. I take full responsibility for my actions - I chose to give in. Had I found this site at the time I was struggling at the very beginning, I think I could have spared myself a lot of pain and anguish. Who knows, though - the pull of the OM was very strong.<P>Next question, did I ever feel that I would get caught. Constantly. When I told my husband I would be working late, I would kind of nonchalantly mention that I couldn't answer the phone because I would be concetrating on "technical stuff." So that would discourage my h from calling to check on me at work. <P>And, this kind of leads into the next question, how much time did I spend with the OM - in thought and real life. My H and I were (and still are) the best of friends. We did EVERYTHING together. There were never two more people joined at the hip than us. I was going through a lot of stress at work - so sometimes I did have to work on the weekends, and my H would come into the office with me and keep me company. Every evening we would do things together, go to the gym, visit with friends, whatever, we were always together. If I played a sport, he'd come and watch. If he played, I'd go watch. <BR>The OM wasn't married, but he had other "issues" (don't even ask). Anyway, he couldn't spend a lot of time - real life time - with me either. So during the week, real life time - maybe 2-3 hours here and there. Some weeks there would be nothing, another week it could be 3 hours one night. We never spent more than 4 hours together at a time. More often than not, we only met for a couple of hours. The worst, and when I finally decided to confess to my H was when I took off from work to be with him (again only for a few hours), but . . .<P>Anyway, non-real time, he would email me constantly at work, and I'd respond. They were never long I love you emails but fun flirtations that got really out of hand. He would call me maybe once or twice a day at work. I loved all this attention. While my h and I spent a lot of time together, he never really called me at work "just for fun" or just to "say I love you." So this guy was putting in a lot of time thinking about me during the day. And my thoughts were consumed by him. I would always wonder what he was doing, who he was with. I would day dream ALL the time.<P>The very weird part, I never stopped loving my H, and my H never knew anything was "up" until I told him. So, I guess I put up a pretty good front. But I was really stressed out. I don't think I was living two separate lives, I was trying very hard to live one life as two separate people (two separate, wonderful, everything you'd want in a woman woman to two ver different men). I know that sounds weird. For my h my life really didn't change, he didn't even notice I was "gone." So I don't think it was two separate lives, but I was definitely different around the other man - he only saw the fun-loving SKM. The one with a sense of humor and quick wit. He didn't have the pleasure of seeing me on a daily basis - in all my glory - being stressed out, on edge, moody, irritable, etc . . I really don't think the OM could handle my entire personality, and luckily I came to realize that not can my husband handle me in the good times/bad times, he still loves me - no matter what I do (unless I try to hurt myself, and that's another story).<P>Last question, probably the hardest, what were my thoughts about my spouse at the time? I never, ever stopped loving my H. It my not have been full of passion at that time, but our everyday lives did not stop. I'm about to cry right now, because I just can't believe how stupid and blind I was. at that time, I was very sneaky, too. I would ask my H point blank, what would you do if I had an affair? He had no idea what was going on but he'd say things like "I don't care as long as I don't lose you. Hey, we can be "swingers." <BR>Prior to my A, we were trying to start a family, and after 2 years I became very frustrated and he'd say - jokingly - that if I found someone and got pregnant that would be okay because we would raise the child as ours. I know I'm taking his statements out of context - he is really a wonderful family man, he was JUST JOKING, but because I wanted to hear those things at the time, I thought I had the green light. I was so freakin stupid. It's all about giving into temptation - I wanted to hear things out of context, I wanted someone to justify my actions. Finally, we I found that even I couldn't justify them - I had to stop the A.<P>I don't know if ny of this helped or not. Maybe it confused things even more, and I'm very sorry to ramble. By writing it out, though, and talking about it, I can really see how senseless it all was. <P>For me, I was like a little kid who does something her mother tells her not to do - "Don't touch the stove it'll burn you." I didn't want to believe God's teaching that adultery is wrong. I didn't want to think that it would hurt. I just know I wanted to "test" it out for myself. And, boy did I get burned. I have learned a hard lesson. Who knows if I'll ever recover. I just have to put my faith in God at this time.<P>Anyway, sorry to ramble.

thank you so much for being so honest. I greatly appreciate it :-). <P>And your H sounds like a real keeper!

Tears -<P>One more thing that came to mind. Recently, my husband I went out to dinner with a group of friends. One of the guys and I were having a conversation about his relationship. He's been seeing the same girl for 12 years, they have their ups/downs, but they can never seem to commit to getting married. At one point during the conversation, he said "you know I really wish we had what you and - have." My first thought was - no you don't, look at all the stuff we've been through (Nobody knows what happened). <P>Now, my mind has changed a little bit. I do wish he gets what - and I have, because we are trying to work through our problems, we're comunicating better than we ever have, and we're even closer than we've ever been. Physically, yes, we've always been close. But I can honestly say, that I feel more intimate with my husband on a physical, emotional and spiritual level now than before the A. It's a long road, I guess and anything can happen, but I feel a lot better now than during the A. Anyway, that's all. Sorry again for another rambling post.