I hate the person that I have become since my H's infidelity! I used to be extremely fun, carefree, and so secure! Now, since this affair hell, I'm this jealous, possessive, icky person. I feel like I'm unable to control my temper (I'm not violent or anything, but I get angry and sensitive a LOT more than I used to.).<P>I was supposed to meet my H for lunch today, since our schedules now coincide. We confirmed it 5 minutes before I left for lunch. I decided to order food from a nice restaurant to-go, so I could take it to his job. The food took about 5 minutes longer than expected, so subsequently, I was about 10 minutes late getting to his job. When I got there, he was nowhere to be found.<P>I drove to the store closest to his work, and he wasn't there. Visions of when he'd stand me up to go out with the OW in the past danced through my head, and I sped back to his job to wait for him. He pulled in right as I did - by himself (this is about 20 minutes into our lunch break, and he only gets a 30 minute lunch). I didn't care, I was already so worked up at this point that when he came up to the car to talk to me, I threw the food from this nice restaurant down at his feet and sped off in my car. I got to the end of the parking lot and couldn't believe my actions.<P>I went back in, and of course by this time he was upset. We got into it right there in the middle of the parking lot at his job. I know that he's justified in his anger, he thought that something had come up at my job and I wouldn't be able to make it, so he picked up some fried chicken from a store down the road. I know that I overreacted, but at the same time I don't know how to make things better right now. I'm not the most humble person in the world, but I know that this is a HUGE LB. I basically showed my @$$ in front of people at his job! What should I do??? HELP!!!

Hello Carolina Belle,<P>Welcome to my World... <P>Listen Hon, I have done the same thing a few times myself. I try to tell myself to calm down and do positive self talk, I even try to invision how nice, calm and understanding I'm going to be. Then I see myself doing these off the wall things, like a temper tantrum, and seeing it is like an out of body experience. But you know what, I'm getting better at it. I've improved a bunch, maybe 75% since D day. [hope I'm not jinxin myself now]<P>You are human and feel things, you've been betrayed, your heart is broken, you feel used up and kicked to the curb ... so what you're feeling is natural. It's a defense mechanism we all have. We just need to temper it and learn to understand how to manage it. You'll get better at it, I did and if I can, ANYONE can. I promise!<P>BTW, are you on any meds? They really do help, my Therapist got me to use them but I was kicking and screaming all the way to the pharmacy. I like to do things as natural as possible. But thank God she made me take them. Made a world of difference with regards to managing my depression and mostly keeping a handle on my emotions.<P>I hope my post has made you feel better. Just get up and dust yourself off because you have tomorrow to be strong again and there's going to be more times to show your H you are the woman he loves and married.<P>Jo<P>As far as the ppl at his job, please believe me when I tell you ... everyone has ups and downs and they are human just like you and I. Now when I see a couple in an argument, I feel badly for them and say a silent prayer.<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited July 12, 2000).]

CB - <BR>During the first couple of weeks after DDay I, too, would do some icky stuff. It was awful. You just want to cause them pain like they caused you. But then I realized by doing so I was pushing my H away. It does take a lot of self talk - A LOT. And as you walk into each situation that may make you blow up you have to talk FAST!! I usually found myself slowing down, taking a breath and trying to talk it out. It works. It's been 3 months since DDay and I haven't had one single blow up since those first 2 weeks. And the worst part is, my H lives with the OW and it still doesn't send me over the edge! <P>Hope it gets better for you, CB!<P><P>------------------<BR>Molli<P>Find your strength within!

Thanks Jo! That did help. <P>Also, in regards to **** Staheli no, she's not taking new clients I did get to talk to her briefly, and she is awesome! I did ask her to give me a call if she got an opening. The book is really good though, I'm happy to hear that you ordered it. Lots of stats there, it really reiterates that we (the betrayed) are not alone, and that there is hope.<P>As far as meds, I tried Prozac, but it didn't do anything for me. I might go on Zolaf, that's supposed to be more effective.<P>Anyway, thanks again!<P>Ali

Carolina Belle,<P>Whoa, baby!<P>Let me tell you a story.<P>Super Bowl weekend. My W had moved out of the house about 6 weeks before. Her and MM had broken up and reunited twice. Saturday, my W was over to pick up our S and we were talking. She was telling me that she knew that she had to end it but that she needed help. She wanted to come back home so that I could help her with her temtation. I told her that I wanted to think about it and that I would let her know. She thought that I was rejecting her and I reassured her that I wasn't. One of the things we talked about was some stuff that MM had left at her apartment when he went back to his W. I told her to either mail it to him, or take it to the house when she knew his W would be home. The conversation ended with her asking me to go with her to her parents' house to watch the Super Bowl.<P>Super Sunday. I'm at home with our S. I have the tv on, and I'm cleaning the house. Along about lunch time I start to wonder when she is going to come over so that we can leave. Finally, about 1:15 I call her, she's not home, so I leave a message. I call back about ten 'til two and leave a message that if she is not at the house by 2:15 we are going go to a friend's house to watch the game. About 2:00 I decided I wasn't going to wait any longer. So, my S and I got in the car and headed out. Unfortunately, MM's house was on the way. Needless to say, W's car was in the driveway. While I was out front, I called my W. We went around a few times, she told me to go home and wait, and I left. I went to her folks house.<P>I can't tell you how angry I was, but you already know. I was fine until I got back home and she came over to get the diaper bag. She started to explain herself and I went ballistic. Fortunately, my S was asleep in the car, so he missed everything. At the end of my monologue, there was a dent in her car where I hit it, the door frame for the door into the house was severely damaged from me slamming it so many times, not to mention the pictures that fell off the walls, and, worst of all, my W had a bruise on her shoulder for a couple of weeks where I hit her.<P>The good news for you is that you are here learning how not to do these things. This is not the end, you can still recover from this. A day will come when your H will realize that you were feeling very hurt and insecure, and he will understand your reaction. Do your best to maintain consistently good behavior when you are with your H. You can be as angry as you want, you just can't take it out on him, even though he deserves it . For myself, I spent <B>a lot</B> of money at the batting cage !<P>Hang in there, things will improve with time, I promise .<P>Steve

I really don't know what to say other than I hope you feel better! <P>------------------<BR> <A HREF="http://www.geocities.com/zbucketmouse" TARGET=_blank>http://www.geocities.com/zbucketmouse</A> is where my page is. Check it out!:)

When you apologize again, it might help to tell him that this whole think wouldn't be so upsetting to you if you didn't love him and care about the marriage so much.<P>You know, a food fight of passion <P>Anyway, it may soften his anger and I'm sure it is the truth.

Dear Carolina,<P>I could give Beerman a good tale for tale, and we had a wonderful woman here for a while who got out her shotgun and let fire at the OW's car. We have all done some really stupid things at least in our imagination. The more reckless of us did in real life. <P>Listen to FaithHopeLove and tell him you were so upset because of how much you care for him and your life together. Then pull up your socks and go back to Plan A.<P>Take care, almost everything is curable. You can again be what you were.

Boy can I understand that angry feeling. Its just that the betrayal hurt soo bad and when something triggers that feeling its so hard to snap out of it. It is a struggle to recover from this..to love like you were never hurt. We were hurt and we make a conscious decision to work on our marriage but those hurt feelings are still healing. I think you owe your H an apology of course but when things cool down explain this to him. Believe me I have done plenty of things like this and as time has passed I've gotten much better. It'll get easier for you. The pain from being betrayed is very deep and when H and I have gotten into it I tell him that he was never in my shoes so he cant fully understand, even thought he wants to. <P>Dont beat yourself up. WE are only human too.<P> Take care, Magoskid