I posted this under AZ Allisons post but I would really love your opinion. Do you think I could ever turn this thing around when my husband is so adamant that he will not come home now. I am frightened that he meets someone else and forgets about me. I say that because he is going out lots and partying with people a lot younger than himself. <P>A little of me first then I will input on your post. Together 28yrs, married 27 this year. I found out a year ago that my husband had a fling with an associate of mine while<BR>working away from home five years ago. Anyway, the year from D day was hell, the rollercoaster ride from H**L. I loved him, hated him, he took the whole thing for as<BR>long as he could, tried to make it up to me but never would discuss the topic. I<BR>wanted the truth, he wanted me to forget it, it meant nothing to him. The anger, the<BR>frustration the whole thing destroyed us. <P>10 weeks ago the whole thing came to a crashing halt. He said that he could not live<BR>with me any longer and I said fine move out. He left five weeks ago after a bit of<BR>pressure from me. I wish I had never done that. He took some of his belongs I threw<BR>the rest out. I regret that so much. In the first two weeks he made very little<BR>contact with me. I never contacted him. I cried myself to sleep, I walked my dog, I<BR>virtually stopped eating and I could not even watch television without breaking down<BR>into tears. He called after two weeks and wanted to talk to me. I went out for coffe<BR>with him and guess what he told me everything about the fling. I told him I forgave<BR>him. I had closure and it felt good. He said he felt such shame and guilt for what he<BR>had done to me and his family. A week after that he called and took me out to<BR>dinner, had the best night ever and he ended up staying the night and it was lovely.<BR>Then no contact for days. <P>He has said all the way through that he is moving overseas and that he no longer<BR>wants his family. Meaning me, my daughter and my son. He said that he would never<BR>put himself in the position to be answerable to anyone ever again. He has said the he<BR>will do what he wants with whomever he wants, whenever he wants. That he loves me but is no longer in love with me. Da Da Da Da Da. The usual. <P>He would not do anything for me and hardly gave me any money which I would not ask for anyway as I am very proud and self reliant. (Although, I was destitute, believe me, as I was paying the mortgage, and the other loans from my salary). I thought like you, he was trying to make me self reliant so that he could walk away from me and feel no regret. He would say, the pond needs attention, the spa and pool are needing shock dosed but he would do none of it. When I would say that I<BR>could not start the lawn mower he would say get someone into start it for you.<P>A couple of weeks ago he started giving money, quite a lot actually. Then he started<BR>taking the bills from the folder and paying them. He would come round when I was at<BR>work if he was free and do the spa, or repairs and fix things that I had nagged him<BR>about for months. He has done the lawns, takes the dog to the beach, and has actually told me that he will fix the thermostat on my vehicle when I am away for the weekend. <P>I try to do everything myself, I try to appear positive and upbeat when he is around<BR>me. I never mention anything about our relationship, I now for the first time in years thank him for all he does for me. I actually thank him for some of the lovely features he has built into our home. He came over for dinner last night and we talked for many hours about the things that went wrong but not really about the problems. I told him<BR>he was special to me and that I was sorry for the way I had treated him. I said that I just forgot how to be his friend the way I used to be. When he left he asked me for a cuddle and he kissed me and I just wanted to hold onto him and not let him go. <P>Today I am so devastated that we blew our marriage and our friendship because we did not communicate clearly to each other. <P>My H thought I wanted the details of the affair to persecute him, I thought he would<BR>not give me them because she was more special than me. We talked in circles, we distanced ourself from the real issues. We were foolish with our time. If I had the last ten weeks over again I know now that I would do it so differently. I feel my loss now.<BR>I still try to do new things for me, I am trying to be independent. My family are all<BR>gone. My daughter is overseas, my son is in rehabilitation (3months clean) and I am<BR>on my own. I have friends but I miss my family.<P>I told my husband that I missed him last night and he said that he missed me also but<BR>that he was happy where he was. I am sorry this was so long.<BR> FET

Hi, Honey. I'm so sorry for what you're having to go through. And I know what you mean, hindsight is SOOOO 20/20!<P>Hang in there. I'm no expert by any stretch of the imagination, but it seems to me that you've actually got a pretty good shot.<P>Robert tried "little or no contact" with me for MONTHS! He sent no financial support whatsoever. (Totally unlike the wonderful responsible man I'd known all these years.)<P>All of a sudden he started wanting to help out with stuff that was broken. I let him and thanked him profusely. Not TOO gushy, but you know what I mean.<P>10 weeks of Plan a is not a very long time. After all the hurt, it will take much longer than that. Use this time to become even stronger, more independent and more of the person you are really proud of. Become your husband's friend, first and foremost. You have to remember that you are the reminder of his guilt! And that's the most painful emotion in the world. Don't be. Be the reminder of safe, fun times. It will take it a while, but it will sink in!<P>We just took all the kids (mine and I don't REMEMBER how many other 16 year olds!) to see "The Patriot". My favorite line. "Stay the course!" (Now who couldn't have guessed THAT???? )<P>Do it. In the face of all the negativity he throws at you, you keep believing. In you, in him, in the marriage you two have the potential to have. That strong belief WILL rub off on him. <P>I don't know that I've ever said this before, but it's how I've come to look at things. You're not really asking him to give you guys a second chance......you're SHOWING him the relationship that you believe in with all your heart. Those two are very different things. And I know ('cause he TOLD me) that that made a big impression on Robert. How could he not believe a little bit too??????<P>Hang in there. There's work to be done, but it's worthwhile work. This ain't over, not by a long shot.<P>Love and prayers,<P>Lori

Dear Lostva<P>Thank you for you very down to earth and inspiring response to my post. <P>We have a very pleasant time together and he has said things to me that he has not said in the past year. He has told me that I am very special to him and that he misses certain things about me. <P>While I was at work yesterday he went to the house and did a lot of garden chores and brought me a lovely pot plant. <P>He had made the garden look so special. I bought a small thank you card and a bottle of nice red wine that I know he likes, so that before I leave for my weekend away with the girls, I will put them on the dining table for him as a thankyou for what he has done in the garden. In the card I said Thankyou for doing the garden and fixing my car and I said thankyou for just being you. I signed it with love and kisses. I use to send him lots of little cards and letters in our happier times, so maybe that will let him know that the person he once loved is still inside me somewhere. <P>My sons' drug problem has caused terrible grief to our family. You always think that it will never happen to your kids but it selects at random and crosses all barriers and creeds. I have spent too much time helping and enabling him at a cost. I now see that in my efforts I prolonged his recovery and I used valuable energy chasing him to keep him alive at a cost to the other members of my family. My husband said that I put our son in front of him all the time and now I can see that I did. I have told my husband that what he used to say to me was right because as soon as I withdrew my support from my son he looked at his life and made a real effort and comeback. Let go and let God was my affirmation throughout this process. <P>My H realises that what he did carried the price that we are now paying and I have came to a realisation that I played a huge part in it also. He did not want to go overseas without me but my excuse not to go was that my son needed support. There, I actually admitted that I put my son before him. My halo has eventually slipped, my payoff was to save my son, and I have paid the ultimate price.<P>I thankyou again Lostva for your input. I am at the otherside of the world from you, way down in Western Australia. (Winter here) so I am up when you are asleep. Time delay.<P>I admire you and I think you have been of great inspiration to many that come to this board.<P>FET

Forevertrue,<P>Lostva is a peach, isn't she? <P>Your story has some similarities to mine. I was too consumed with my kids (were 3 and 1 when the EA started). The older one is asthmatic and I was up many, many nights with him. I had them 24 hrs/day rather than put them in school...<P>I was not doing a good job of making my h feel needed/wanted. He travels overseas two or three times/month. Anyway, he too found someone to have sex with while there, only he fell in love and wanted to leave us and import her (she was a young med student). <P>One night I learned the whole story, including the fact there had been another OW the year before. Only she told him it was stupid to keep going like this.<P>The amazing thing is that we can recover from this and build a fantastic marriage. We always thought ours was good, but the new openness is amazing!<P>I was fortunate to be exposed to Harley's principles before d-day, so we moved right into recovery with the help of Jennifer Harley (co-author of SAA, Harley's daughter).<P>But I agree with Lostva, it sounds like what he really wants is a great relationship with you. The partying you mentioned may just be from the emptiness he feels.<P>Have you read Surviving an Affair? (SAA) It was our manual in rebuilding.<P>Oh, and being apart for any reason is not good. We just cannot meet each other's needs when we are not together. I used to go with him sometimes, but it's hard with the kids (now 3 and 5). It's hard, but it can be done. I just counted, I've spent 11 weeks in hotels so far this year, mostly in one week stints. We've drained the frequent flyer miles, but he just keeps earning more!<P>I'm leaving tonight for Buenos Aires, this time without the kids. <P>------------------<BR>Cindy<p>[This message has been edited by schizzo (edited July 14, 2000).]