.<p>[This message has been edited by Reztles (edited August 09, 2000).]

Hi Reztlez,<P>Welcome to MB forum. You sound like you've probably been reading here for a while, as you've got the acronyms down...you know WS,OW...ect. SOB was a new one though, made me laugh a bit.<P>Well, you're in a pickle aren't you? Have you read any of the posts by NoMas? He struggled with this for a long time, and most opinions here were to tell his wife.<P>I want to first congratluate you for intending to end things with OW. Yep, that is for sure the first, most important step. And end it for good. I mean NO contact.<P>Okay, does your wife have any suspicions at all about your EMA? I don't think you'll be transferring guilt to your wife when/if you tell her. From what I've seen on these boards, and in my own situation, your guilt will not be gone, but you will feel a sense of relief after telling your wife the truth. You will feel guilt for a long time. This is unfortunate, because it will hamper your recovery if you don't let it go eventually.<P>You already know, I think, that you must tell your wife. Most BS pretty much know something BIG is wrong. It is much more cruel to let her wonder, have her go through the hell of finding the clues WS inevetibly leave, and being lied to.<P>This may not be what you want to hear, and I do not mean in any way to add to your burdens . You are so welcome here, and will be helped tremendously by the kind people, WS and BS alike.<P>Maybe your wife would like to share this sight with you when she's ready. <P>allison

Honesty is the best policy. Whether you decide to tell her today or several weeks down the track is a decision that must make. I found out about my H's PA four years after it happened and I can honestly say that my preference would be to have known about it at the time. His guilt and shame about what had happened drove a wedge between us in other areas of our life that had never been there before. He tried to justify his bad behaviour by demeening our relationship to make out that we had ongoing problems. As Dr Phil McGraw said if you bring problems to a relationship you end up with a problem relationship. <P>Trust can only be rebuilt by being truthful. Do you love this other woman, do you see a future with her or is your wife the one that you want to spend the rest of your life with? What is most important to you, living a life where you will always have to cover your back or one where there are no secrets and lies. From my experience - when the truth came out my husband was relieved and I was devastated but also relieved that I knew why certain other things had occured. <P>My marriage at this stage is pretty much over, but we have started to build a new friendship that could lead to who knows what.<P>From your post, the options that you listed are limited, there are other options. ie Counselling for yourself, marital counselling , temporary separation with sessions of counselling on a regular basis, or ask your wife what would make it right for her. Do not give up and do not give in to guilt and shame. Be as honest about how the affair started and why you are ending it. That will help with the healing process. Keep it private, and keep it clean,(no personal attacks against your wife, she really had nothing to do with it)and talk and love as much as you can.<P>My heart hurts for you and your wife, but you may be doing her the biggest favour of her life, maybe it is a wake up call for both of you.<P>I will pray for you both.<P>FET<BR>

Reztles -<P>Well, here I am from the "other side." As a WS who is in recovery, I can tell you that honesty is the BEST policy. That doesn't mean you have to tell your W all of the gory details of the A. <P>It's a tough subject to bring up, but once I did, got it out in the open, I felt like a big burden had been lifted from my shoulders. I still struggle to deal with my feelings of guilt, remorse for what I did to my H, and I'm sure he probably still hurts. But, truly being sorry for my actions and demonstrating that through complete honesty to my H, was the first step (baby step) towards recovery - for me anyway.<BR> <BR>Though honesty, you and your W can get through this together. Yes, she'll be hurt, mistrust you - and rightly so. But unless you're honest, you can never really recover from the guilt you may be feeling. And what if she finds out from someone else, or she discovers evidence on her own? I would rather be in a situation where I confess and ask forgiveness than to sit back and wait for it to be discovered. I don't know about betrayed spouses, but if I were one, I would also think that she you confessed versus being "discovered" - your remorse would somehow seem more genuine - i.e., that she never feels like you did it on your own - that she forced you to give up the OW.<P>I wouldn't give her the whole story on a nice silver platter for her to choke down. Tell her what happened, that you want to talk to her about it, that you're willing to answer any of her questions, because unless you do that, she will always have a little bit of doubt in her mind that you didn't tell her the whole story. You plant the seed of mistrust.<P>For me, my H never asked who the OM was. He didn't even want to know the details - he didn't want to know when or for how long - he just wants to figure out how we can fix things. It's a miserable situation we've gotten ourselves into, but you'd be surprised at the strength of our Betrayed Spouses. <P>But you have to be committed to rebuilding your marriage, committed to no contact with the OW, and committed to seeing that you both contribute equally to fulfilling each other's needs. One great book that I'm reading now is His Needs, Her Needs. I feel like Harley is talking directly to me.<P>The old saying goes "Honesty is the best policy." For me it was the only policy in this situation. Being honest is not cruel. As a woman I would value that more than my H keeping the whole truth from me because "he didn't think I could handle it." Your wife may not even want all of the details - she may not be the one to replay it in her mind.<P>In a way, you may be looking for the easy way out, and let me tell you my friend, there isn't one. Good luck, and let me know what happens.

Reztles -- <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>The viable options as far as I can see are to leave with minimal explanations, to continue to say nothing, or to tell her the truth.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>First of all you are limiting not only yourself, but your W and your marriage. These are not the only options available to you.<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I thought I would have the issue resolved by today but could not.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Why did you think this. Much more importantly for this forum is not why you had an affair, but why you are ending it. What do you feel for your W? Do you still love her? Do you have children together? How long have you been married? And many other questions are all important in being able to make a rational decision on how you should proceed.<P>If you love your W, and if you want your marriage to survive, then you really have no choice but to tell your W about your affair. SKM said it best when they said <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Tell her what happened, that you want to talk to her about it, that you're willing to answer any of her questions, because unless you do that, she will always have a little bit of doubt in her mind that you didn't tell her the whole story. You plant the seed of mistrust.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Every person who has been betrayed has a different level of details they need to know, and as the betrayer, if you want your marriage to survive you have to be willing and able to tell your W whatever she feels she needs to know.<P>Good luck and God Bless<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Empty Shell (edited July 14, 2000).]

Welcome Reztles. I'm glad you found us.<P>I believe you should tell your wife what happened. It will be hard, but she will not mistrust you forever. In fact, it may help her to realize that you could have done the easy thing, but you chose honesty.<P>Besides, this affair didn't happen in a vacuume. How can your wife work on her side of your marriage if she doesn't know anything is wrong.<P>Good luck to you. I'm glad you're here. --HBC

.<p>[This message has been edited by Reztles (edited August 09, 2000).]

According to Dr Harley you should send OW a no contact letter you should not under any circumstances see or talk to her again if you want your marriage. Since you are concerned with her H finding out maybe you could send the letter to her office. Once you tell your W you should write the letter with your W approval.<P>Your priority should be your wife's feelings not the OW.<p>[This message has been edited by TMD (edited July 14, 2000).]

Reztles,<P>Believe me, if your W knows about OW then what she imagines is more than likely 1000 times worse than the facts.<P>Affairs are almost always found out, if she hears it from someone else it will hurt her worse than if you are honest with her.<P>One of the most hurtful things about the affair is that our spouses can/will/do look us in the eye and lie to us. At least it was for me.<P>Yes she will hurt, she probably already hurts after finding the poem. Affairs hurt everyone as you have learned. But if you are going to end it, you have to make a clean break with ow, there is no other way. No contact, ever, for any reason. <P>I know that sounds harsh, but after going through this with my h twice with two ow's I know. With the first there was more contact, because she married a good friend of ours after the affair ended. It was hard for me to cope with. With the second after I found MB, I insisted on no contact. It has helped me a lot.<P>Whatever you decide, there is a long and painful road ahead for all of you, but the trip is worth it. <P>Good luck.<P>Deb<P>Hepatitis C , educate yourself ! <A HREF="http://hepatitis-central.com/" TARGET=_blank>http://hepatitis-central.com/</A> <P>

I am glad to here that you plan to tell your wife. It really is the right thing to do. Having been on your wifes end of this and uncovering evidence I know how much that hurts. <P>When I found evidence of the affair, I recalled all the times I asked my H about this woman and all the times he lied to me about it. I know this may be hard for you to understand given your end of things but his lies hurt me much more than the affair did. If your wife suspects, and it sounds like she does, it is best to tell her. <P>I hope you can find the courage to tell your wife. I think you will find the only way to go forward is to build your relationship on a foundation of truth. You sound like you truly understand what you have done and are sorry and are even willing to take full responsibility for it. By that alone, you are well on your way to recovery.<P>By the way my H and I are doing very well now. Telling your wife does not need to be the end. It won't be easy but it can be done.

.<p>[This message has been edited by Reztles (edited August 09, 2000).]

.<p>[This message has been edited by Reztles (edited August 09, 2000).]

Reztles -<P>I think there can be an end to all the hurt an A causes. And, by telling your wife the truth, I think you're taking the first step to getting through the pain. Hopefully, both you and your wife will learn something through this horrible process. I know that my H and I have learned a lot about each other, and we're falling in love all over again. IT's not easy, but it is possible. Right now I'm reading HArley's book "His needs, Her needs," to try and get a handle on why I had the A in the first place. I highly recommend this book, as well as Suriving and Affair. My H and I have not gone to counseling - we're trying to work through this ourselves, and reading the books together and talking about the issues presented in them have been really helpful.<P>Good luck, and things will get better. Right now you're in the midst of "A Perfect Storm," but it doesn't have to stay stormy forever. Take care.

Sending an email no contact letter is fine. You seem to realize the you and OW are going nowhere regardless of what happnes between you and your W . The important thing is first being totally honest with your wife and hopefully she will chose to work on the marriage and you can send the email together.<P>You definitely need to read "Surviving An Affair"

<BR>I never thought I would say this but there IS and end to the pain. A few months ago, even a few weeks ago I would not have believed it but it is true. Your wife may be stronger than you think. There will be pain, lots of it, don't get me wrong. But, by being honest and letting your wife choose how to proceed you are showing trememdous respect for her.<P>I have learned that spouses rearly just walk out when they learn of their H or W betrayal. Be honest with your wife, tell her how this happened, why you think you were wrong and how you know now what you really want is her, but that you need more of her time and attention.<P>If your wife does choose to work on the marriage with you, how you respond to her can make it infinatly easier or harder for her. Your willingness to take responsibity for what you have done here will be a big help to her.<P>I would also recommend that you read After the Affair by Janis Abrahms Spring. It will really help you understand her immediate reactions and how she is feeling. It was a tremendous help to me.<P>I hope this helps. Good luck and keep us posted.<P>Acacai<P>

.<p>[This message has been edited by Reztles (edited August 09, 2000).]

It is a good sign that your wife is involving you in her struggle ! <P>I want to share a quote with you from After the Affair. It helped me realize that there is a path back to a happy marriage and fits with Harley's principals. Maybe it will help you understand how you can best help your wife heal right now.<P>...There are no quick fixes, no magic words,. What will heal you is the passage of experiences, those small concrete acts, those cumulative moments that convince your partner that you've faced your own duplicity, your own unbeautiful self, and are safe to trust again. This takes time. For now you need to hang in there with as much forbearance as you can muster, bearing witness to your partners emotional chaos and , through caring acts, making your partner feel secure, valued and willing to risk loving you again."<P>Translation... make lots of love deposits! The love deposits really work. It does take the pain away.<P>Acacia<BR>