Just a quick comment on expectations and baby steps during the recovery process.<P>H and I had a discussion last week about baby steps. He wanted to be able to maintain a friendship with an older woman friend (we're 36 and she's a beautiful 52) including email contact. Additionally, he was having trouble with accountability. Seems he felt it was enough to tell me where he'd been once he got home if he at least....got home at a normal time. <P>My position was his contact with the opposite sex is only ok if we both say it's ok and that one persons wishes do not supercede the others'. (email and physical contact) Additionally, it may be formality or simple courtesy but you should call to ASK if I mind you stopping somewhere for a drink after work ...end of story (simple courtesy). That too, should be up to us to decide together. ((we have small kids 3 1/2 and newly 6 and I'm always the one who has kiddie duty at night))<P>Husband got frustrated and said this was a painful discussion for him and that he's making baby steps.....so I should remember his words and lay low.<P>Like a bull in a china shop.....CHARGE.....<P> <BR>Well, I said I too am making baby steps....baby steps on trust...I said as nicely as possible...there are things you have done that cannot simply be erased because you now say the marriage is important to you. Yes, I may have done things that didn't show how much I cared....but you, fully expecting to always be faithful, let someone in. You didn't plan it ....yet it happened. Just because he THINKS it's safe and nothing is meant by it doesn't mean it's true. <P><BR> Therefore.... I'm not asking you to NEVER look at another woman...I'm not asking you to never go to lunch with a gal....I'm not asking you to not ever talk to another female....I'm asking you to consider my feelings, put our marriage first, AND TAKE REASONABLE PRECAUTIONS AS IT RELATES TO FEMALES. I need to be the ONLY SPECIAL female in your life. If you have time to write or converse with some other female....my hope is that you give me the first opportunity! <P> It worked<P>He'd been so focused on ALL the steps he was making and the effort he'd been making....he was completely oblivious to the work that I was still having to do. He mistakenly thought my work was done when he was through being "CRUEL TO ME". Remember....our banks are way beyond EMPTY.<P>....us Betrayeds have to recover too. <P> <BR>Which is my whole point....many of us jumped on the bandwagon to correct, repair, improve, solve...our marriage woes and worked like dogs to get our spouses out of love, off the fence and in love with us. <P>Please know....there is still recovery ahead!. It takes alot of time. Expect minor bouts of depression but keep it in perspective. <P>Accountability, the want to have it and the desire to give it do not occur overnight.<BR>That in-love feeling that makes all of us whole does not come simply because the words are uttered.<BR>The NEED or desire to talk or be honest & open with your spouse will not occur just because you are both LIVING TOGETHER.<P>These are by-products OF THE SIMPLE ACTIONS WE SHOW EACH OTHER SINGLE DAY. AND SO ON AND SO ON AND SO ON. <P>So...maybe a different take on BOTH parties needing an opportunity to make baby steps.<P> - Tina<P> <P>[This message has been edited by TFloyd (edited December 07, 1999).]<p>[This message has been edited by TFloyd (edited December 07, 1999).]

Expectations and baby steps are a very difficult thing to deal with. My W had said she was ready to work on us and I jumped on the bandwagon to correct and fix everything right away, Bad idea. I scared her off because I expected too much too soon and she felt pressured again. That won't happen again. I learned a valuable lesson on that one. But I guess that is what all this is about.... Learning. <P>I agree with looking at all aspects of the situation, I was so focused on "fixing" that I lost sight of her feeling confined and that I was pushing and didn't even realize it. Lesson number #198 of ....... oh, about 200,000 or so......<P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P><BR>

Tina - Thanks this is timely advice for me. I do not really consider myself even in recovery yet (only 2 days since H broke it off with OW) but I can already tell it is very different from what went before...<P>Thanks,<BR>Starpony

Yeah, if only we were ever so smart to have total hindsight. There are so many things I'd do differently....oh well....<P>good luck to ya - Tina

Hi Teener!<P>Good stuff.<P>Dunc

TFloyd...<P>I am so far from where you are...<BR>But I really appreciate all the comments people make no matter where they are... <P>Thank You so much! <P>Jim