Two months ago I found out my husband has had more affairs than I can imagine. He met them on the Internet. He took advantage of his business trips and my business trips to "meet" them.<P>I have tried to get over this. I have looked here on this site. I have looked elsewhere. I have tried various things, but my husband and I are distant, at best cordial friends. I don't usually like to post anonymously, but here I go.<P>We are staying together for the sake of our children. I don't love this man any more. I am trying, but everything I try seems to be crushed.<P>My problem now is that I can't get a man from work out of my head. I have found him attractive for a while, but recently (when I changed departments) he suddenly started flirting with me. And, heaven help me, I'm flirting back. Big time.<P>I don't want to go the way of my husband, but I can't get this guy out of my head.<P>Is this a sign I should get a divorce and move on?<P>Any input would be appreciated. Thanks in advance. --Ripped

Ripped,<P>Hold on ! You just found out about H's affairs 2 months ago, no matter how long ago they ended, they are all new to you. Having to deal with one affair is hard, having to deal with more than one over a period of years is harder but having to deal with many at once must be maddening !<P>You are going to have to focus your thoughts on something besides another man. When you find your thoughts drifting that way think of something, anything else , force yourself. <P>Believe it or not, your marriage can be saved if you both want it. H has to be willing to work on it with you. But please understand that you are in a vunerable state at this point. If you get into another relationship at this point, it has little chance of lasting. If you and H can't/won't work on the marriage itself then divorce and slowly look into something else. <P>What is H's attitude like toward you and the marriage ? If you are both only staying for the children then he may very well cheat again. But if you both actively try to make this work it can. I suggest you both see a counselor asap, if money is a problem , then find a church who's pastor will counsel with you.<P>Deb<P>Hepatitis C , educate yourself , please ! <A HREF="http://www.hepatitis-central.com/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.hepatitis-central.com/</A>

Deb:<P>Thanks for your reply.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>having to deal with more than one over a period of years is harder but having to deal with many at once must be maddening <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yes. Yes, it is. It hurts so much to know that he has been cheating on me since before our wedding ceremony.<P>I feel stupid. I ignored things that ought to have tipped me off before. I could have known earlier; but I chose not to.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Believe it or not, your marriage can be saved if you both want it. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>So I hear. Sometimes I want to save it. Other times I ask myself what is there to save. Then I think of an old friend of mine who once said he'd stick in a marriage no matter how bad it was so that his children wouldn't have to go through what he did growing up. I wonder how he's doing now.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>What is H's attitude like toward you and the marriage ? If you are both only staying for the children then he may very well cheat again.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>My guess is that he's sorry he got sloppy in his coverup and will take pains to make sure I don't find out again. Not very comforting, is it?<P>I don't want to cheat in my marriage, but I want to be loved and cherished and all those wonderful things that married partners are supposed to do. Is that so wrong?<P>I keep telling myself I don't want to cheat, but my mind keeps wandering. You suggested thinking of anything else, and I'm trying, but suddenly there is this guy who asks real questions, smiles at me, brings me sandwiches when I can't get away from desk...heck, he even popped into my office when he hadn't just run into me the other day just to say hi. I thank God he isn't going to be in the office next week. <P>I know. Don't have an affair. Stay the heck away from him. But I don't think my husband is EVER going to act like that again. That's why I wonder if it isn't time to just move on.<P>I just don't know what to do, Deb. --Ripped

Ripped, I cannot understand what you possibly having an A would add to this equation but more chaos. It might make you feel wanted. It might make you feel revenged. But what value would it add to your family & to your children? "Kids... if you have a problem, just avoid it & make things ok for yourself, regardless of who else gets hurt". That is NOT something I want to teach my kids.<P>I know that right now you are raw with pain & anger. I have been there. but you cannot start a new relationship until this marriage is over. All that would come of an A in the long tern is shame & remorse. Don't do that to yourself.<P>I am also "staying together for the children" to a degree. But my attitude is, my H and I need to rebuild & do marriage the right way in order to show our children what a loving home looks like. Anything less is NOT acceptable to me. I will not live in a living hell. That is NOT what I will give my kids. <P>I hope that you can get past this & start on building the marriage you want to have. I really pray that your H will see things more clearly & understand the importance of his honesty & commitment. If not, then divorce. Don't condem your kids to living in a loveless home. But give it time before making that choice. And PLEASE don't hurt yourself with a foolish affair. <P>Take care... Carolyn

Thanks, Carolyn.<P>I know an affair is not a good idea. My problem is not in realizing that. I want to know how I can stop wanting it anyway.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>"Kids... if you have a problem, just avoid it & make things ok for yourself, regardless of who else gets hurt". That is NOT something I want to teach my kids.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>As opposed to, "Son, if you break a promise no one will care, but daughter you'd better stand by your man?"<P>How am I supposed to care about my husband's "emotional needs" (see, I have been reading here) when he doesn't give a rat's @55 about mine.<P>I busted my butt to get home and clean house, but I didn't make dinner so I blew that one.<P>For the most part I've avoided yelling at him (well, after the first day when I lost it) but he still feels like he's "walking on eggshells."<P>When I asked him to call me every day just to say hi he did it for a while. Then asked if I was "done with that yet." Ooo. A week. What a trooper.<P>We tried to go out on a mid-week "lunch date". I suggested we go to a nice restaurant and maybe go look at cameras. No, we ended up doing what HE likes. We played raquetball and had tacos. Only he didn't have a good time because I "didn't try." I stink at raquetball. The most fun I have is running around. But that's not good enough; I should have tried to beat him instead of just being happy with what I could do. And, no, I wasn't a grump. You know what really torqued me? It was a new place for me and I had to sign in. Does my husband stay with me while I fill in the cards and get the safety equipment? No! He goes on in to change. The guy at the front desk says, "You guys must be married. If a guy brings a woman here on a date he's a shadow making sure she has all the right things. And you're still smiling!" Oh, yes. I'm smiling.<P>What I need to figure out here is 1) how I can keep from thinking about this other guy and 2) whether I should divorce the loser I'm married to or try to hang on. I don't need to know how foolish my yearnings are. I've been living foolishly for a good long time.<P>Dammit--I don't want an affair. I want to be loved. The only one around who seems to be willing to do that is Work Guy. So I ignore him, right?<P>Sorry, Carolyn. Your response just hit a nerve. --Ripped

You have every right to want to be loved. You just need to search for that at the right time & for the right reasons. Clean up what is going on now at home... fix it or break it. Then move on. You cannot move on with a marriage still intact. And until you can love yourself & make the best moves for you, you are not going to find external love. <P>I am very careful abou what I want to teach my children through the way I live my life. i am not going to raise sons who think it is ok for dad to be emotionally distant, walk all over their mother, etc. Again, if you both agree to work & make GOOD home, then do it. If it isn't something you both agree on, then move on. Otherwise you are correct, you will just be teaching another set of bad values. It is up to you to make those choices.<P>I would ignore Work Guy. If he hits on married women he is no better than the piece of crud you have now. Why run with what you are running from? He will just move on to teh next married woman when you become too much trouble. At least that is what I have seen those types do. Be careful<P>Carolyn

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>If he hits on married women he is no better than the piece of crud you have now. Why run with what you are running from? He will just move on to teh next married woman when you become too much trouble.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Now there's something I can hang my hat on! There is something for me to remember when he seems so very interesting. <P>He doesn't know about my marriage troubles. At least I didn't tell him and I don't think the one friend I did tell at work would have told him. He's just hitting on someone who is conveniently unable to get into a relationship. As far as he knows.<P>So all he would want is an affair, right? And since I don't want an affair we wouldn't work out, right? So I should just ignore all the good stuff, right?<P>Thanks, Carolyn. That may have helped me a lot. It has for now. Hopefully it will continue to help five minutes from now, but maybe I'm just borrowing trouble.<P>Sorry I was mean before. It just hurts so much and I really didn't want someone I don't know picking on my parenting on top of everything else. Surely I must be able to do something right.<P>Thanks. --Ripped

Hang in there & keep breathing. It really is tough in the first few months after finding out such a horrid lie your H has been living.<P>Main thing is you just don't want to end up doing something goofy to. Sounds like in your pain all you are really reaching for is someone to feel good with for a few hours, minutes, etc. You do need that, but most likely this Work Guy just isn't it. God knows you don't need more pain on top of what your H has dealt you.<P>Sorry if I sounded critical of parenting. I really don't mean to. It is just that thinking of my kids & what I want for them & the lessons I would want them to learn in life has been my guiding light. From deep in your soul I am sure you feel the same. Just breath & take time to start connecting with that part of you. All this crap has just temporarily distracted you. Boy, there have been a lot of times I sure wanted to act on other emotions & not what my heart & soul where saying. I REALLY wanted to jerk up the little piece of trash that my H was runnning with & hurt her bad! But down inside I knew that wouldn't get me anywhere I wanted to be & wouldn't make my life better. <P>Good luck with this. Just picture in your mind the type of man you really want in your life. If your H can become that man it woudl be wonderful, since he is your childrens father. But if he cannot, you deserve better than Work Guy. Hang in there & get the best for you & your children.<P>Carolyn

Hello? Is this thing on?<P>Please forgive my yelling, BUT I KNOW AN AFFAIR ISN'T A GOOD IDEA. I am looking for ways to keep on track. If I didn't figure out the first part, I'd be on a plane to a conference in Boston and flirting with another man, not posting on a computer bulletin board for people who want to make their marriages better.<P>I avoided the conference. I am going to be separate from this guy for a week. I need to refocus. I need help. Telling me it's wrong is not a really helpful thing. Telling me Work Guy is a loser for hitting on married women helps a lot more, but it's not keeping my mind off him.<P>HELP!! PLEASE!

{{{Ripped}}}:<P>Hang in there. It's hard to find out about infidelities. I know. I've been there.<P>There's a lot of stuff going on in your life right now, and Work Guy has certainly picked a dilly of a time to flirt.<P>I'm probably not the best person to advise you how to get him out of your head (maybe some of the betrayers can help a new person???), but I wanted to tell you that I'm glad you're here instead of on a plane.<P>You asked in another thread why I (among others) stay with my husband. It is a hard question to answer, really. I guess the bottom line is that I'm here because I made a commitment and I'm not going to leave until I've truly given my all. I'm not there yet. I still have hope, though sometimes it's slim, that this household will one day become a family again.<P>I know you want to be loved. There are many times I wish my H (that's husband in case you haven't figured out the acronyms yet) would "Plan A" me instead of the other way around.<P>Speaking of Plan A, you said you had been lurking here for a while, but in case you haven't seen it, I suggest you read NSR's Welcome post. ( <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html</A> )<P>Please don't be angry that I don't have answers for you. I'm hoping someone who has been in your shoes can help.<P>All the best. --HBC

Thank you for the sympathy, HBC.<P>This is really driving me nuts.<P>When I logged on this morning I had an e-mail from Work Guy, but I just answered the work question. No flirting.<P>This is so hard. I just can't stop thinking of him.<P>I guess I don't want to end my marriage yet, but I don't want to think about what I will have to do to fix it. It would just be so much easier if my "H" were just acting like Work Guy.<P>Thank you for the link. I had not seen that post, though I have been to most of the main pages.<P>Please, any help in keeping focus would be appreciated.

Are you sure you want to end your marriage or have an affair? It may be just an infatuation that helps you to keep your mind off your problems with your husband. Isn't that what affairs are - ESCAPE! You don't know how to deal with your cheating spouse so instead of dealing with hurtful spouse who you have given up on your focusing your attention on this new person who is safe because he doesn't have the power to hurt you like husband has. Just something to think about.

Ripped:<P>Based on what you've said about the background, your dwindling love for your husband, and your husband's attitude and the multiple affairs, I would suggest that you immediately seek counseling from MarriageBuilders. Both Steve and Jennifer Harley are very qualified counselors and coaches, and they'll be able to help you put a plan in place to attempt to mend the marriage. The phone counseling is terrific and convenient---call 888-639-1639.<P>I may sound like a walking ad for MB, but I've done counseling with Steve and he really helped me through very difficult situations. But what worries me about your situation is that you're close to giving up. You're dying to have someone meet your needs. You don't trust your husband as far as you could kick him (nor should you). Your children need a healthy environment to grow up in, and the best situation is to grow up with two parents in a happy marriage.<P>Steve (or Jenn) will be able to help you get there. I would start the counseling regardless of your husband's willingness---even if he doesn't "want to", they'll get him involved by talking with him to assess your "issues" and how you are doing on improving YOUR marital skills. <P>Eventually, your husband will need to start changing his behaviors to suit you and the marriage. To give you what you need---and to protect you from his poor behavior. But the first step of that is addressing what you can do for the marriage. Given that you've tried "various things" and looked elsewhere, the best advice I can give you is to call MarriageBuilders---try them for a few sessions, and see if it helps.

Thank you, trying2_4give and K. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> Are you sure you want to end your marriage or have an affair? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>The answers to these questions are 1) No, I'm not sure I want to end my marriage, and 2) Yes, I am sure I don't want an affair! I am having a hard time putting the brakes on some screaming emotions/hormones. Right now I can't even think about the marriage until I can get the temptation out of my head.<P>You are probably right about Work Guy being an escape. I was almost resigned to my marriage until he started to flirt. It just feels so good to be appreciated, I thought mayybe this was a sign to give up on my husband and move on.<P>Thanks for the counseling tips, K. I hate the idea of looking for a counselor and I know that my husband doesn't want to go to one. I had wondered if phone counseling as I read about it here would be of any benefit. Thanks for your thoughts.<P>I still can't concentrate on my work, but he's not here and that helps. I wish I had a door to close next week so I didn't have to see him, but maybe he will have thought better of things, too.<P>I don't know if I'm going to stay with my husband, but I can't make a rational decision about the marriage when I'm distracted, either.

Well here is a radical thought. You could tell WorkGuy that you are sorry for some of your overly friendly behavior & that you would appreciate it if he would no longer behaves in a too friendly manner. Just state that it doesn't feel comfortable (or whatever). That might throw a little ice water on stuff between you. Or maybe you don't feel ok with doing that. But it seems the alure here is how nice this guy treats you. It would be tough to ask him to stop, but if he stopped would you still be mulling over affair thoughts? You never mentioned if he is single or married. I am just not sure what other tips to tell you to on how to get this guy out of your head. Wish I did. Harley recommends changing jobs. That sounds drastic to me in your case. <P>Carolyn

I was just reading post from NoMas titled:<P> **Sigh**...I'm back...barely.... <P>Take a look there & see what he has to say on this issue of having an A. Carolyn

Carolyn:<P>I read your 1:40 response earlier today and all I could think was, "Doh!" Truthfully, I had never thought of simply asking Work Guy to not flirt. I was all ready to thank you profusely for an idea that should have occurred to me on my own.<P>Then I read your 4:58 response, and I can't help but wonder...<P>Do you honestly think I'm sitting here contemplating having an affair as one would contemplate having a second piece of pie?<P>If you will kindly re-read my first post, I asked if the folks here thought the fact that I couldn't get this guy out of my head was "a sign I should get a divorce and move on."<P>I can't find any place where I said, "Do you think it would be okay if I had just a teensy little affair?"<P>Yes, Work Guy is making me not want to work on my marriage, and I find myself daydreaming of him and not focusing on my problems with my husband. But I see a dangerous slope here, and I have asked for help in trying to stay away from it and make my decision.<P>I feel as though your words are aimed at seeing what a morally bad decision an affair is. I understand that. I know how I feel at this end, even though my husband went for a series of short term affairs and says he only "loves" me.<P>Work Guy is making me feel special in ways my husband seems unwilling to do any more. And I wonder if I should get out. <P>Thank you for your time.

Nope.. not throwing morality at you. Just hoping that something out of all this will help you. You never know what suggestion, thought, idea is the one someone needs. In all honesty... I though the suggestion you just ask the guy to back off might be insulting. Who knows what will help or insult. Problem with a forum like this is you don't really know me & I don't know you. For all you know I am a pious ranting Southern Baptist (ok... now I will insult them) who is on a moral high road. <P>This forum is really all about getting lot's of stuff from lot's of viewpints. Take what helps, the other stuff just write it off as "didn't understand the question". <P>I can definately understand someone else making you feel special. I have a work contact that I talk to on phone & meet with every few weeks (he works at home office). He is always telling me how wonderful I am & that if I wasn't married he would be taking me out. He doesn't know that here I sit with divorce papers filed waiting on the OW from my H's affair to have a child any day. Once paternity is decided & I see where my H is at with all this, I may well be divorced! But at this time, I don't need to cry on this guys shoulder. I thank God that we are only in contact every few weeks. It would be too easy to just let things slide. But I would just be using the poor guy for my own emotional needs at this point.<P>I hope you can figure out how to un-clutter your mind about him & first figure out your marriage. If Work Guy (or any one else for that matter) is really a good guy & in your future, he deserves to get your full attention once your marriage is resolved. Not while in the middle of a storm.<P>Take care & hang in there. Carolyn