My sister claims that hardly any couples where the man leaves his family for an OW, and perhaps files, get back together because the man almost always stays angry forever at the wife whom he left. She has said that she knows many couples where this was the case.<P>This doesn't fit at all with anything I have read here or on the other marriage boards, where it seems like even if the couple doesn't reconcile, eventually the man becomes less angry, though sometimes not until after the divorce, and in many cases reconciliation does not occur because the wife no longer wants it. <P>Sometimes I think that my sister is purposely trying to destroy any hope that I may have. She tried to tell me that his behavior did not come out of nowhere, that maybe he was really always this way but supressed his selfishness because he wanted his family. She even said that if he wanted to come back, I should insist on lots of counseling for him before he came back, because the kids are used to the situation now (which they are not), and it would be stressful for them for him to come back.<P>Maybe she just is trying to help. Maybe she is biased becaused she divorced her H for infidelity. But it seems like she is going out of her way to make me feel even more miserable.

Love your sister, but become deaf to her rants. Don't let her poison your resolve or sap your strength. I have friends like this--I still love them but have learned to stay away when I'm not feeling very strong and am vulnerable to further discouragement.<BR> <BR>She's been burnt and those are her blisters talking!<P>Dr. H does this for a living. He's seen this thousands of times. I think he's better qualified. <P>You know in your heart your situation. It is not hers. Take care of you. I think your sister may need some counseling to help her with her anger issues. Don't let her use your marriage recovery as therapy in dealing with her past.<P>Be strong. Surround yourself as much as possible with positive people and positive thoughts, etc. Keep your energies focused on your marriage. That is the foundation for your family. Don't try to convince your sister that she is wrong--it will be a wasted effort. Let your recovered marriage speak for itself.<P>God Bless,<BR>L<BR>

Nellie,<P>I have spoken to about 5 different men at my job as to why men hold so much anger toward his ex or soon to be ex, when it was them that had the affair. <P>2 of the guys had affairs on their ex's. But they all told me the same thing.<P>That when you love someone.....hurt and anger.....bring about the hate feelings that you feel. If you did not care about someone...say a neighbor...and they did bad things to you....you would not hate them, just simply leave them alone and get on with your life.<P>The hate that our husbands and ex's are displaying is because they love/loved us. I know sounds weird, but come on, I HAVE WITNESSED IT MYSELF. <P>You know the old saying....you hurt the ones you love.<P>Many men blame their wives for their fall.....they will not look in the mirror. Someone has to be to blame for messing up their lives...and they simply will not let it be them.<P>Nellie,<P>I still hurt...don't get me wrong. There are still some days that I wake up and think....oh my God....it really did happen. I do miss my "old" husband and will probably miss him until the day I die.<P>I know somewhere in this ole heart of mine will be a soft spot for him....one that will never let me have peace. I simply exist right now......still going through plenty of emotions. Still feeling some like they happened yesterday.<P>Your sister is wrong and right. Most men will not admit they were the problem, so they simply exist. They will not eat "crow" or go back because they have expressed their anger to too many people.<P>Most woman will do anything to keep their families together. I know I still would.<P>Nancy

I agree with you, Nancy.<P>There is a fine line between love and hate. The passion swings - the difference between a relationship without passion - is indifference. To me, indifference is the opposite of love.<P>

I wouldn't open yourself up to people who don't support you. If her marital issues are clouding her judgment or if she simply isn't supporting you in your decisions, I wouldn't confide in her any more about what is going on. You have enough trouble trying to figure out what is real and what to do without dealing with negativity too. She may be right for her situation, but you are living yours. You have to make your own decisions based on your heart, your family, and what you want.<P>As far as reconciliation goes, I have no statistics but my personal observation is that when women leave, it's done for good. Women just don't tend to make that final break without thought and good reason. <P>I have not seen anyone who stayed mad forever- male or female.

Hi Nellie,<P>No advise from here, just wanted you to know I'm thinking about and praying for you and your young uns.<P>Dont be too hard on sis.....if she's like mine, she loves you and is just trying to be helpful. Do like I do.....and tell her to put a cork in it.<P>All the best to ya,<BR>Bill

Leilana,<P>I wish I could surround myself with positive people in real life. I just don't know any. <P>It drives me crazy that my sister claims that my H always treated me like he thought I was an idiot, a major exaggeration, when that is exactly how my sister treats me.<P>She thinks she is an authority because she used to do family therapy. Even she admits that she knows two people who got back together after divorce, including one couple twelve years later!<P>She doesn't seem to have a clue about depression. She is sure that if he is acting selfish now, he always was - when selfishness is one of the major effects of depression.<P>Mental,<P>I think you are right about the fact that they wouldn't be so angry if they did not love us.<P>Shortly after my H left, I went to a counselor briefly. When I mentioned to him after the first visit that I was feeling slightly less depressed and more angry, he seemed relieved. Often I think he wants me to be angry, he thinks I should be angry.<P>TNT,<P>Well, my H certainly isn't showing indifference.<P>popeye,<P>I don't understand how she could possibly be thinking that what she says is helpful. It is worse than having a controlling mother - she is quite a bit older than I, and has always treated me like a child, plus there are the sibling rivalry issues that are not a factor in mother-child relationships.<P>It seems to me that anger begets anger. Shortly after D-day, I ran into a woman who was complaining about her estranged H - I have never seen anyone so filled with hate and anger. I would hate to end up like that. <P>Bill,<P>Thanks for your support. Unfortunately, if I said anything to my sister that made her really mad, she might not talk to me for months, since that is her usual way of dealing with relatives and friends with whom she is angry. <P>

Nellie,<P>I have and always will be confused on this love bank thing. Yes I understand it.....really I do....but I just can't seem to completely empty out my love for my ex. He has done some horrible, nasty and cruel things......but I feel sorry for him. Sad that things are like this.<P>But I still have love.....not afraid to admit it.....never will be. I feel differently about him....really different, but I know that if he called tonight and begged me to let him back in......said he was sorry and all that I wanted to hear....I would probably have to give it some serious thought. But I am like that. I love until the day I die. But I also know that sitting around hoping for that is totally fruitless. But I still have some hope......but it is just that.....hope....and it doesn't rule my life anymore.<P>Nancy

I do not believe the "love bank" theory. To me, it is more like an "infatuation bank", if it can be emptied. If you truly love someone, you will love them forever, no matter what.