I had something happen tonight that hurt my feelings and made me angry. I address Faithhopelove specifically because I'm pretty sure she'll know I feel, but I welcome input from everyone. It sort of ties in with a recent post -- the one where her H made a decision that caused her a medium inconvenience and a powerful case of hurt feelings. <P>My H did something tonight that really made me angry and hurt. We had a big garden group party today at our place today. It was a big success and we're feeling good. Afterwards, five of us were still visiting in the living room. We started out all sitting in a circle around the room. An ottoman sat in the middle of the room. My H then moved from his seat to the ottoman. The new seating arrangement effectively created a new circle of four. My view of the person across from me was completely blocked, and my H's back was turned to me. So here I am, asking myself the same question as FHL, "am I being too sensitive??" <P>Before I get any "manthink theory" replies, let me express <B>why</B> this hurts my feelings. I believe actions speak louder than words. If words say one thing, and actions say something different, I believe the actions every time. I'm certain that my H has absolutely no clue that he's hurt my feelings. After all, what's the big deal in moving from one seat to another? Lighten up already! (I can hear it now).<P>My response is, well, H, what message do you think you're sending when you create a new circle that effectively cuts me out and I'm sitting there looking at your back? Whether he intends it or not, that behavior is sending me a message loud and clear. In a nutshell, I feel neglected, unwanted, and unloved. <P>In a way I think this parallels FHL's situation in that the "incident" is a trifling matter. Switching a schedule, moving from one seat to another, what's the big deal? It <I>shouldn't</I> be a big deal. The problem is the symbolism I see in the actions. I perceive a message that says, "I'm so unimportant to this man that I'm not even entering his thoughts." There is no way on this planet that I can feel good about this marriage when I receive messages like this. <P>And just to make this just a liiitle bit longer, I have tried to communicate with him previously about this. As an example, I got very upset once while watching a show about tornadoes. A woman survivor had lost her husband in a tornado, and she was describing how much she missed him. I had an epiphany that I didn't like. I tried to imagine how my H might feel if I got swept away by a tornado. At that time, I felt like he would not even miss me if that were to happen. That was one of our lowest points last August. I feel like my marriage the result of 13 years of sucking up multiple weekly doses of "manthink." Needless to say, I'm not real happy with where I'm at! <P>So.. am I being too sensitive? Do I suck it up and change my definition of what hurts my feelings, or dig in my heels and try one more time to explain how he makes me feel?

Your feelings are valid and important. He may not agree with your perception, but that tends to be the root of all disagreements anyway, isn't it?<P>It's not important that he agree, but that he empathize. Even if he thinks you are being too sensitive, I think he can say, "I'm sorry you feel that way. I will try to make an effort not to do it again."<P>I actually agree with your perception though. I think actions are powerful indicators of what is going on inside of us. He may be unconscious of what he is saying. But this doesn't make the situation a powerless one for you. You can always move around to where you are included in the circle again, then address the way you feel later when you are alone.<P>Don't let this go. So many times my H and I have said, "I told you that a million times", but we weren't heard. Try saying it in a different way. Try saying it again. If you want to be understood, it's up to you to make the effort.

It is a delicate art to weigh the importance of congruent words and actions against the tendency to personalize and be super sensitive and possibly misinterpreting our spouses actions.<P>Your H's action really does seem rude. And I understand even if he didn't MEAN to be rude to you, that he obviously did not consider how his new position would affect you is as almost as hurtful as it would have been if he TRIED to exclude you. Believe me, I understand.<P>I took the urging of my friends here and talked over my whole situation with my H agian. It went well, and although there is little doubt that he will do something equally insensitive again, I do think he understands how I felt. I will post my results on my old thread when I get a chance.<P>If we can assume he wasn't trying to be rude, how did your H benefit by changing positions? Is he hard of hearing on one or both sides? Did his new vantage point give him a better view of something outside the converstion area? Was his origional seat awkward for him in its location or uncomfortable for him to sit in?<P>I'm not saying that that defends his insensitivity, but it may help explain the root cause.<P>If you brought it up, what would he say?<P>I think you do need to talk to him, being careful not to put him on the defensive. Try not to be accusitory or judgemental.<P>Something like, "Honey...this may not seem like a big deal to you, I really need to discuss this with you. When you changed seats at sat directly in front of me, I could no longer even see X, I could only see your back and I was not as easy to join in the conversation. I felt excluded and a little embarassed. I still feel hurt and I need to clear the air.<P>Either he will get defensive, calmly explain why he did it (comfort, etc...) and try to tell you he did not realize he was blocking you or sincerely apologize. <P>If he gets defensive, don't argue with him whether or not he meant to be rude. Tell him you believe he was not trying to be rude, but that his actions hurt you anyway. If he does apologize, accept graciously. Hopefully it will sink far enough in so he uses the new knowledge in a different situation.<P>Try your hardest to keep the discussion focused on this one issue only. Bringing past history and everything but the kitchen sink into a situation and you will increase his defensiveness and water down the current issue.<P>I truly understand how you feel.

Thanks FHL. I knew you'd understand how I feel. I'm going to try explaining it tonight to him. We've had arguments before about his rotten manners. He has "accept me as I am, I'm not going to change" attitude. Maybe it'll go better this time with some MB tools under my belt. Thank you Popeye for encouraging me to speak up. It's not easy for me.