Thought I would update on my roller coaster ride<P>Today I went out had a great day working with a friend getting down and dirty under a the hood of a car. Something I havent done in so long.<P>I was looking forward so much to the dinner that my wife and I were going to have. I asked her last week if we could go out for dinner and have a great time. She agreed to go out.<P>Today while we out with my Youngest D and myself, my W spoke to my Elderest D. She must have told her that I planned to go out to a restraunt, something a little special than a take away.When I returned home she rang and began to tell me where we she wanted to go and meet, as she said she told me last week she would call today and arrange where and when to meet.She told me she wanted to go to the local hotel near where she works. Thats totally different to what I had heard. I listen so intently now that I dont confuse what I say and what she says as I now repeat myself for what has been planed so there is no confusion.<P>I told her that last week she agreed to go out for dinner and said nothing about calling me today. I went ahead at the time and made the bookings. <P>W began fuming so much, because I was told that I am controlling and that she never said wanted to go out for dinner and only wanted to talk and didnt want any thing romantic. Also was going to say things that I wouldnt be happy hearing.To which I replied I expected that but I was still prepared to go and listen to her if she would<BR>also listen to me civilly.<P>She has blown this all out of proportion. When I relised that she hasnt happy where I was taking her I changed and told her that I would be happy to meet her at the hotel if thats what she wanted. She threatened that if I wouldnt tell her where we were going, she wouldnt come at all. That wasnt good enough after me trying to meet her demands. She replied with I hate the way you look, you have lost so much weight and that you shaved your beard off it makes you look so old. I said I hope you wont be embrassed of me when we go out if you hate the way I look. W replied of course not, dont be so stupid. I feel so crushed at present what do I do I, when I recieve such derogatory statements to the way I look now. Well excuse me who was the one who started us down the trail of distruction.<BR> <BR>W was yelling at me and said she wasnt ever coming home and continued until I said that all I wanted was to have a civil conversation while we had dinner and could she be civil while we were there as I didnt want to talk if this was how it would be. <P>So she said fine I dont want to go and hung up.<P>I was so proud that I never yelled and kept calm (no LB's). I felt that she was going to cancell anyway and wanted me to say it first, I never. There were so many pauses, I didnt jump in and let her say what she wanted. When I did speak she kept trying to speak over me. I let her say what she wanted and never tried to cut her off in the conversation. I asked not to dwell on the past on what I had said as I was angry and upset at the time and reacting to her actions.You see she still denies that she had an affair. I told her all that I wanted was fresh start and begin from today.<P>It now appears that we certainly not going anywhere tomorrow or in the immediate future.<P>I have counted to two hundred and kept calm and have not been angry. Said nothing to my children except that I will now be home to have dinner tomorrow with them. <P>The ride continues this time its down. I can only control my behaviour and what I say but it is very hard and difficult to keep calm. I know that at least I can do that even if we are not going out tomorrow. It appears no matter what I say or do its never going to be good enough. Why should I keep trying when I am abused everytime I do something positive to reconcille<P>bye for now<P>T<P><p>[This message has been edited by timtam (edited July 16, 2000).]

T,<BR>it sounds like your w is still in the withdrawal stage. i know it feels like you're the only one trying to make things work, and you feel like it should be her trying to make things work because she's the one that had the affair. i know exactly how you feel!! remember, the betrayer tends to blame the betrayed - this is normal. i know my h was like that. are you sure the affair is over? upon discovery, my h said the affair was over. but i found out 2 weeks ago that it was still going on for the past 3 months - it had never stopped. but i know it ended 2 weeks ago - my h has been totally different this time, like his eyes were finally opened. he finally realized that he was not in love with her and that he had screwed up big time. he knows he loves me and wants to be w/me and the kids. i know he's for real this time because of the way he's acting. hang in there - keep doing what you're doing. let her know that you still love her and let her know that it's safe for her to tell you the truth. i don't know your story - how long has it been since discovery? and why is she still denying the affair?

TimTam,<BR>I can't remember your story but as hard as it may be I think you need to focus on having pleasant interactions with your w. Otherwise she will continue to see you as the negative in her life. It is almost as if you are pushing her away. Your w and you were not meeting each other's EN and that's wwhere things need to change in order for improvement to occur. <P>Have you identified her EN? This is very important because you want to creat feelings that are good. Make her feel good. How did you meet those needs when you were dating and early married? Creating frustrated feelings only deepens her confusion.<P>Accept that she is in a "fog" right now. She is not going to meet your needs until she is seeing clearly. You meet hers and let her begin to trust you with her EN again might help bring her around. Lostva has written some excellent posts.<P>Tess

T,<BR>I am so sorry - the downs on the roller coaster ride are h...!!! I am proud of you for remaining calm and not lbing even when your W was saying such hurtful things!!! Keep it up and hang in - I agree that W is in "fog" and by hurting you she relieves some of her hurt and guilt - not fair, is it??? Not fun for us, either!!<BR>My H has also told me I have lost too much weight - I want to say, "well, I wouldn't recommend this diet to anyone!!!" - but haven't said it...<BR>Hang in - keep venting here...<BR>Take care, A

T, part of being able to split with a spouse is to vilanize them. The WS will build up in their mind all the terrible things about you that they want to beleive. This assists in their justification of their actions.<P>Well, when you turn out to be a nice guy & all the WS has built up in their head isn't true, it simply pisses them off. They get mad at YOU for not being the evil SOB they want you to be (which justifies their actions).<P>Hang in there. It takes awhile for all that stuff to calm down. Just be consistent in your Plan A and don't react to her stuff. You are taking all this stuff because you love your children & want to provide them with the best, which is a two-parent home with you & your wife. It will get better. I didn't think it would for me (boy was my H mentally abusive), but it did. It is just a SLOW, TRYING process. Hang in there.<P>Carolyn