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A little background: I was a WS 10 years ago, upon discovery I gave up OM (in retrospect, it was a little easy because it was over, just not ended). Fast forward 8 years, H had an affair with a co-worker 4/98, it lasted about 18 months, off & on, with his moving in & out of the house. The last separation was Jan 00, at which point I threw my long-term Plan A in the toilet, gave up, started seeing another man, served divorce papers. Guard turned his life around, started to Plan A me. A couple months passed, I began to cut contact with OM. A couple more months passed as Guard & I went back to counseling (counselor whom I'd seen now for over a year, sometimes with Guard, sometimes without. C ready to toss me to the crocodiles, I think).<P>On Jul 23, Guard & I are leaving for a week together. One kid at camp the other at my sister's. We're going to a resort in the Mayan Riveriera of Mexico. We're discussing new vows (our counselor is also an ordained pastor), new rings, and certainly a different marriage than the one we've had. We had some great early years, we had some good years after the "bad times" as I think of them, I really don't have any reason to think we won't go from this new bad time to good times.<P>One of the thoughts I've had lately, after going to a family reunion where my parents, and all my aunts & uncles have been married 50-60+ years, is that 4 years out of 50 being bad wouldn't be much in the life of a marriage. And even in the "bad times" there were moments of joy, love and sweetness.<P>We wouldn't be where we are without my Plan A & seeking God's will for my life. We wouldn't be where we are without Guard going to Plan A and seeking God as well. I'm not pushing my religion on anyone, that is just the truth as I see it in my life.<P>I've made some horrible mistakes in my marriage (and some were dead-center while I was Plan A ![[Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]](http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/frown.gif) ) and so has my H.<P>What we realize now is that we love each other. We are bound, bonded (shackled?), and the parents of 2 wonderful daughters. We are family.<P>Why did it take us 7 reconciliations and all the bad stuff on both our parts? I have no idea. I was completely against EVER trying again when he left in Jan., as far I was concerned, I was burning bridges. But you know what? I don't feel apprehensive about getting back together--scared at times, sure--but I've realized, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, and sometimes you don't really see the steps forward until you look back at how far you've come.<P>I'll be okay. Guard will be okay. And we both pray we'll be okay together for the rest of our lives.<P>Stay tuned... ![[Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]](http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/grin.gif) I'm planning to have a superb time in Mexico, with my beloved husband.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10
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I pray things stay on the upside in your reconciliation. My husband moved back home last July. Things could better, but I realize things could also be worse.<P>Much success to you.<P>------------------<BR>Love hurts no one.
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You're my inspiration! ![[Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]](http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/wink.gif) Congratulations on your success! You have my support and best wishes.
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Lor, Guard:<P>(sniff) I am so moved (choke) by your post, and so thrilled with your reconnection, I don't know what to say. Even though we haven't heard much from you lately, I knew it was because things were going well...I just knew it.<P>God bless, God speed and we will talk to you when you get back!!! Bon voyage, Mon Ami. Don't drink the water...es agua is mala...or something to that effect.<P>Catnip =^^=
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I'm so happy for you. I love those positive updates.<P>Now if you can figure out how to avoid the rest of us having to do this 7 times please post it! ![[Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]](http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif) <BR>Lora
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Lor,<BR>Sometimes there is a post that you never ever thought you could possibly read.<P>This is one of them. So was Guard's first posts.<P>I am so happy for both of you. Finding something that appeared lost is truly a treasure.<P>It is also a special blessing for your girls.<P>Lor, I gotta say, after all our posting to each other, I can not remember ever knowing that you were a WS 10 years ago. Is this a new revelation?<P>I also have to ask...do you think you would be together as you are today if you had continued Plan A in January? Do you think Guard still would have turned his life around? Was the OM circling in or the D papers that woke him, or was he awakening anyway.<P>And, if it is not too personal, what significant mistakes did you make while in Plan A?<P>Is it possible God used the OM ultimately for the good? <P>You are right, out of 50 or 60+ years, God willing, a few years look like rough patches. By the way all my H's and my Aunts & Uncles and parents and 95% of my Moms endless cousins have been married 40+ years. Family reunions are affirmations of the real and the lasting blessings of family.<P>Have a wonderful vacation <BR>
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PTL!!!!<P>Yippee!!!! Bueno! Bueno!<P>Lor, there is something about that number 7 - in your life. Coincidence? Not!<P>PTL PTL PTL!!!<BR>
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WOW, and double WOW! <P>That is one amazing marriage you've had, my dear. <P>Have a SUPERB time in Mexico!! Say Hi to Guard.<P>You make me think, Lor... honest and truly.<P>
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Hello Lor & Guard,<P>Congratulations! I hope the rest of your lives together are as exciting, romantic, and wonderful as your trip!<P>Peppermint
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Yeah!!! This is SO great to read...<P>Have a great trip <P>Kathi
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Warning! this is long!<BR>I forgot to mention that Guard has been living at home since May 20, so we've passed through the "settling in" that has tripped us up so many times. He still has his house, but is going through the paperwork of unleasing it.<P>My heart is warmed by hearing so many good wishes, so many of you have been here for me through this very hard journey: AGP, Wassi, Samantha, popeye, catnip, Lori, Lora, Butterfly, Peppermint, Kathi. Thank you<P>K--you don't know it, but the example & story of your pain & reconciliation got me through many days. Thank you for the smile.<P>TNT--lucky me...? As long as we don't have to get into mulitples of 7...<P>NB--I know you and I have traveled some of the same paths. I know I wonder if I hadn't been so miserably angry some of the times Guard came home if he could have stayed...all I know is, if he hadn't changed, and we weren't BOTH working on the marriage, we wouldn't be trying again. This time FEELS different. I can feel him on the other side of the yoke pulling as hard as I am, the last time #6, I was just exhausted.<P>And lastly, FHL. I know you were somewhat put out with me when I leaped off the MB path, I'm so glad to hear from you.<P>Your questions are tough.<BR>First, me being a long ago WS, I have posted that--to New Beginning as she was going through some tough times. I suppose it seems naive, but until I had been here on the board for awhile I didn't connect my affair to what was going on with Guard. He discovered that affair, I was not at all where I was supposed to be and confessed, and turned my back on the OM. I was ready to be out of it, and he wasn't a nice guy. Guard thought he forgave me, we went to counseling and I continued alone for awhile. I learned to take my thoughts captive to Christ's will, eventually knew God forgave, I forgave myself. Unfortunately, there was no MB board for Guard, he talked to one person about it and although we had several wonderful years, that included the frightening 7 months of Guard being in the Saudi desert during Desert Storm, I was faithful, when this woman began making herself known to Guard, he said it made it easier for him to cheat because I had. Ouch.<P>And for those wondering if the WS ever falls out of love with the OP...of course there's some doubt that I did love the OM, but I had given him little thought the last 5 years before Guard's affair. It seemed like it was someone else that did it, a memory, but nothing that meant anything to me. No ties, no bond. It strange, he showed up the first time Guard left me, but I took one look at him and knew, no matter what happened with Guard, I wouldn't ever see that man again. It was good to know. And good to tell Guard, although he was so lost at that time that he said maybe I should go out with the OM. Anyway, even that is almost 2 years ago.<P>Plan A mistakes:<BR>-not knowing the difference between respectfully stating my opinion, being a dormat and becoming a raging shrew.<BR>-not accepting that Guard was sorry. I acted as if his remorse would have to be forever. It took me a long time to realize he would never know the depth of my pain, nor would I know the depth of his pain, we didn't continue to forgive, I was angry and so was he and we didn't process it in a healthy way.<P>I think that about covers it.<P>The end of Plan A for me, the new OM, the Divorce papers. I don't know what exactly awakened Guard in the mixture. When he left in Jan, I did put boundaries on our relationship that had never been there before, or at least not inforced. Certainly Plan B would have been tidier. I should have gone to Plan B when he left in July, or certainly when he left in Oct., but by Oct, there was already this friendship with the OM and I was afraid to go to Plan B, in case it would accelerate, which it did in Jan. This OM was a nice guy, who equates separation with coming divorce...he didn't understand I didn't see it that way. Quite honestly, personality-wise he is so much like Guard that I was keeping my baggage, and the OM didn't like being whacked with bags he hadn't loaded. <P>Now I've unloaded the bags, and snipped the straps and I'm not whacking Guard with baggage either. The past is the past. When it pokes up it's head, I say "God and I have dealt with that." If I haven't dealt with it in forgiveness, I do so. The anvil on my chest is gone and I can feel the healing. I used to feel like blood dripped off me from all the wounds. I feel better.<P>I don't know if that answered all your Q's FHL, but I don't have hard and fast answers, other than love, time, patience, forgiveness and Plan A.<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10
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Thank You, Lor!<P>I don't think I was put out with you. I think about at the time you started up with OM, I noticed you were not acting like yourself and it confused me.<P>Later on, it all made sense. Actually I learned a great deal from "knowing" you, then sensing a different person, then understanding why, then seeing "you" come back again.<P>Guard's posts were also enlightening.<P>I hope you do not think I am needling you. I really do want to do all I can in my own marriage to grow as well as avoid trouble.<P>Thank you for your honest answers. I know your new marriage will be richly blessed.
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Oh HI Lor,<P>Thank you for this one:<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>...all I know is, if he hadn't changed, and we weren't BOTH working on the marriage, we wouldn't be trying again.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You must realize that as my divorce winds down I have been beginning to question if the right decisions have been made! I talked to David this morning, and it is clear that although he *says* <B>some</B> words that make me think he wants his marriage restored, his *actions* say otherwise. We are not, and clearly, he will not, work together. He still wants to punish me.<P>You know how much alike you and I are. You will understand that I, like you, met someone new who meets my emotional needs. There are days when I'm so happy, and then there are days when I am so sad. There are circumstances that hinder us, of course, and I wonder if it's God stepping in and slowing things down. And always, ALWAYS, I wonder: if David would just want our marriage back, would do ANYTHING to save it, what would I do? At this point, as time passes, I fall more and more in love with the new man, and grow further and further away from David. He has been seeing the same woman he began to see last November, when I was desperately trying to save my marriage (as you recall) and he even added a few more to the mix for good measure. See, I am still bitter. I hate this. The "if only's"... <P>I am so very happy for you Lor. You have been my guide, my mentor. Between you and the Student, I have learned to much. Mostly, what I've learned, is to love myself - not very MB-like, eh? Sounds selfish, but isn't. I'm worth fighting for, and so are you. Guard knows it, and is fighting. Good for him, good for you!!<P>Best wishes Honey!!!
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As k said," "<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>
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{{{{{{{{{{{{{LOR AND GUARD}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>I never wander over here anymore, I stay on the divorced side . (Its lonelymom). I am SOOO happy to hear you two are doing well. That is great news!! Have a great time and thanks for the update! Dana<BR>
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