To all who have been betrayed: Does it ever get any easier??? I feel like i've had my heart ripped out and carelessly tossed aside, as have many of you fellow betrayed. Do you ever get the feeling that things will get better? I just want to feel happy again, wants to trust him again, wants never to second guess him or myself again...I hate this feeling, its the worst feeling in the world. I know things will never be the same again, but some sense of normality would be nice.....I know that he's got to be hurt, embarassed, confused, but do they ever really know what they've done to us? I just wish I understood why...thats the only question i want answered: WHY? He says that she paid attention to him, touched him, made him happy; well, i did the same, we've got a 5 year old daughter that needs me, her kids are all grown, so she can devote time; i tried, i'm still trying, i feel like i'll always be trying, why should i have to be the one to do all the trying????? He's the one who F****d up, he's the one who should be doing the trying? Why is it, that we the betrayed, should always be the ones who have to do all the making up????????? I just don't understand????? is it normal to be angry, crying and just lost emotionally all at the same time??? I want to touch him, love him, and feel comfortable with him again, but am scared out of my mind........does anyone feel the same???????? mail me......i need to talk....please

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Lost,<P>I have no answers, but I can relate so you know you aren't alone...<P>I am in much the same situation with my W. She had the affair, she doesn't "love" me anymore, her efforts at repairing our marriage barely show up on the radar screen. No remorse, no apology. And continued deception and lies.<P>I don't know if it ever gets easier. It has been over 5 months since she announced her relationship. During that time I made discoveries about the true nature of this "friendship" that have torn my heart out.<P>I keep thinking it would be easier if she would become an active part of fixing our marriage, but I don't know 'cause that hasn't happened yet.<P>The seeming unfairness and injustice of it makes it all even harder to bear. Every day is a struggle. I was taking St. John's Wort, but I think I am going to try the prescription stuff. I'm just so worn down by being depressed all the time.<P>My few words of advice are to look to God and read some books to help put some perspective on it all. You will be in my prayers.

lost in Texas,<P>your profile doesn't say when discovery was, so I can only tell you how my emotions have been at different stages.<P>I found out for sure in August. <P>Our last two years have been really bad, his affair was from Mar.1998 thru April 1999. He confessed in August after spending the Spring and summer telling me that I deserved a good husband and should divorce him. <P>I was on anti-anxiety drugs since the spring, when I found condom receipts and hotel chgs. The anxiety faded when he confessed, because I knew what I was up against. The crying jags were daily until about a month after his confession. Then once a week for another month. Now, four months later, I rarely have those horrid want-to-die days. <P>He is home, but I know that she dumped him for the other man she was having an affair with at the same time (she is married too), so he didn't actually choose to end the affair. We are in counseling, which I highly recommend even if your h. won't go.<P>Keep us posted,<P>you will find friends and comfort here.<P>Liz\Pearl of Great Price<P>------------------<BR><BR>"I have found the Pearl of Great Price"<BR>

I am also "lost in Texas", and you took the words right out of my mouth. There are so many people using this forum who are in this exact position...you'd be amazed. What it all boils down to is one question: Do you want to stay married to your spouse and save your marriage? I have answered YES to this question, and am taking the beating you have described so well. I wouldn't sign up for such a beating if I didn't think there was a chance of saving a good thing...our marriage. The other option is to walk away, and get a divorce. I had to ask myself, "Would this solve any of the problems I'm having?" The answer was NO. All divorce would do for me right now is suspend my situation in mid air for the rest of my life, and I would never know if it could have worked.<P>I too want to be happy again, but you cannot ignore this place we are in. Don't try to get comfortable here, but use this place to learn about life. Sometimes life can seem exceptionally cruel. Take this situation and learn from it...learn about yourself...learn skills to deal with the pain...read books on the subject...post, post, post and read, read, read. <P>You know and I know that some day the pain will subside. This can't last forever! Just hang in there and rely on your friends for help...

lost In Texas -- All of us betrayed have felt exactly what you have described. Unfortunately, more often than not it is in fact the betrayed who must do the majority of the work in rebuidling the marriage. It is not at all fair, but that is the way it is normally.<P>If restoring your marriage is your goal, and if you're willing to do what it takes to acheive your goal, then you can suceed. I am living proof.<P>We are here to help you through this process. All you have to do is ask.<P>God Bless

Texas, <P>I know exactly where you are comming from. When my W had her affairs, my world just began to crumble around me. I could not believe that the one that I gave everything to could betray me, to make matters worse I seemed to me that I was the only one trying to keep us together, and until recently that was the case.<P>The answer is yes it does get easier, but it won't happen overnight it takes time. My W was in denial for a long time and did not want to face up to what she did. Until she did that she was not really able to fully commit to making our marriage work.<P>Give him time, he will see the light. <P>Until then be strong, we're here for you <P>Jason

Empty Shell & Jason - It sounds like you guys have made it through the initial "tough" part. I'm very happy for you, and would love to switch places! A question for you: Looking back, what helped you the most in coping with the pain? How did you manage to hang on, and for how long? I just need some hope...

How did I do it?<P>What I tried to think about were all the goodtimes we had together, the love she had shown me in the past, ect..<P>In some ways this was more painfull, but I had to have faith that we could get through this. At the least I was not going to lose the woman I love for lack of trying. I had to give us one more chance.<P>P.S. This is my 2nd marriage, I know the pain of divorce. <P><BR>Don't give up<P>Jason<BR>

Jason - I am on my second marriage also. The first ended with my wife being unfaithful. In that case, she just said "it's over", and that was it. In a way, that made it easy because we did not have to give any effort...she just walked. In my current marriage, now we have 2 children to think about, and several years of good times together that couldn't have just been a fluke! We just drifted, and allowed things to get stale. When it came time to spice things up, my wife turned outside instead of inside our marriage. I discovered in August, and time seems to be going by so slowly, with progress coming in very small pieces. It is hard to hold on sometimes. Thanks for the encouraging words.

MJINGIT,<P>I know what you mean, my first marriage ended the same way<P>Here's to second time around!<P>Jason

Lost in Texas,<P>I am also lost and also in Texas. It's a big state but there are far too many of us in this situation. <P>What others are saying is correct. We have in differing degrees experienced the pain of betrayal. I was going to write more but decided to add a separate post. It is getting better. For me it is over. I must go through the divorce and recovery. None of us can make it work alone. Each couple must want to make the marriage work. If my W was willing to stay in the marriage, I would be giving it everything I had to make the rest of our lives the best it could be. Since she is not willing to stay, we have no other choice. I hope your marriage recovers and you experience more that you can hope or dream. <BR><P>------------------<BR>7Habits (Dane)<BR>"The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them." Einstein.<P>

Lost,<P>In can get better. Unfortunately it usually gets bad again too. I think that my wife has finally come around to wanting to be married again. It took me going through four separate times of being betrayed. She just told me this past week that the affair I though was over since May had started back up again this past September and October. At least she has finally relized that what she thought was love was just sex. She has finally admitted that what she was doing is wrong and expressed real sorrow for what she has done. She finally admitted that she held on to alot of anger for me inorder to justify what she was doing. I think I can relate to how she got caught up in it by how I used to be caught up in drinking. It is a strange thing to be addicted to something or someone and can make you do crazy things. I do think that now we both can start working on rebuidling our marriage. Unfortunately, I am going through the shock of finding out about being lied to again and need to build myself backup again to try and trust her again. At least I have been there before and know the process. I often questioned why I was sticking with this and I think that finally I will find out why.<P>Stay strong and just take things day by day. It does work (I hope).<P>p.s. If you haven't read any books on affairs, I would suggest reading "After the Affair" by Janis Abrahms Spring. It explains alot about what you are going through and what you are going through is normal based on what has happened to you. It really helped me to understand my feelings during all this. Been rereading it this week and it gives me some peace to understand what is happeing.<p>[This message has been edited by TimJ (edited December 08, 1999).]