I posted my first message on Friday - My fault or an Affair? <P>I was married for the 2nd time 11-6-00 on the beach in Jamaica to a truly wonderful man. I thought God had sent him to me. He did everything for me and took care of me and truly loved me. We were selling our house and had a deposit on a lot. We were going to build the house I have always wanted.<P>Within the past 3 weeks, my relationship went right to Hell. He left to go to the mountains 3 weekends ago. We fought before he left and he came home a changed man - very distant and cold. To make a very long story short. I found phone numbers. He changed his pager number and OW was paging him. I have no hard evidence of an affair other than I know he must have been talking to her for him to be paging him on his new pager number. When I asked him if he wanted to make it work he responded "Nope". I have a 9 year daughter from a previous marriage. That marriage ended due to another W. My new H told me that he is only 27 and he has no children of his own and that he doesn't want his world to evolve around someone's else's child. I am 33. And, he left me when we were dating due to the same reasons, however, he came back crying saying he was sorry. And, he truly turned back into the H that I fell in love with. We lived together for about 3 years before we married last November. How could it all end so abrubtely? Last Friday he told me he had no feelings for me and that he would try but he couldn't promise anything because he couldn't pull feelings from a magic hat. He told me he needed the weekend. I gave him the weekend and he didn't come home until Sunday at 9 pm. He still acted the same way. I don't have proof, but I believe he was with OW that Friday night. Last Monday morning I went to put my hand on his back while he was sleeping and he pushed it away. I woke up at 6 am hearing his pager going off. When I checked it, it was 3 different numbers from her. I called her and confronted her. She hung up on me. When I confronted him, he really had nothing to say other than it was probably on there from Friday and that is when I asked him if he wanted to make it work and his reply was "NOPE". I then asked him why not, and he said that I was pathetic. That day I left early and put ALL his clothes outside. He moved EVERYTHING out that night. Now I am blaming myself so bad that I am wondering if I shouldn't have done that. Maybe he could have worked through things being there in another week or so. It was just so hard livng like that. He has said so many harsh things to me over the past 3 weeks. When he was moving his stuff out, I told him that I didn't care what he took because he had already taken everything from me and he said, "well you should have thought about that before you act the way you do." He is saying that I get on his nerves because I cry a lot and I nag. But, my H does so many things. He is always playing softball, fishing, going to the mountains, playing basketball, helping friends out and working a lot. This has all been fine with me because in the end he truly treats me good. But now, I am blaming myself. If I wouldn't have fought with him before he went to the mountains, this would be happening right now. The Thursday before he went to the mountains, we were walking our lot talking about where we were going to put things inside our house. What happened so fast? Did I do the wrong thing. I keep getting anxiety feelings that I have done the wrong things. HELP!<P>

You are NOT pathetic. But, it sure sounds like he is. Sounds like he has decided he is not ready to grow up & shoulder the commitments he has made. <P>It isn't that unusual for a step-parent to feel a little overwhelmed, at first, or for there to be some conflicts over how to handle parenting. But, that does not sound like what is going on here...Given that he has told you he is only 27 and not interested in helping you raise your child, and that he is not interested in working things out, consider carefully whether you really want to expend more of your time & heart on him...<P>

Thanks for your comments. I hear you. All my friends and family think this is it and say why would I want him after all the hurtful things he has said and done. But, this isn't the person I fell in love with. he truly isn't like this that is why it is so hard for me to try and figure out why is he doing this. Could it be his own guilt. Or, maybe some things were bothering him inside that he did not share with me and it all came to a head and then he met someone that looked more attractive. The grass is greener syndrome? --MK

Mary Kay,<P>Alright, there are a few things that you must be ready to deal with here. First, you have to accept that your H is involved with another woman. Second, he is an emotionally immature man. Third, you can only change yourself, not him.<P>You are in the worst, most painful part of this. Have you seen a doctor about anti-depressants? I know they are not for everyone, but keep an open mind. They have helped me and many others here. They will help you think more clearly, which you need to do for yourself and your dtr.<P>Mary Kay, your H did not escape to the mountains and meet another woman due to a fight you had before his trip. This has probably been building up with him for months. The pressure of a new family/new house...at 27 years old...that's a lot. You thought he was up to it, but maybe he just does not know. It's up to you to find out as he is messed up right now.<P>You have got to lay off of him for now. You have got to present yourself as the strong one, he needs you to be. If you can, don't call OW. In your heart you know what is going on, you don't need her to tell you. Take her out of the equation. She is nothing to you. Just an annoyance.<P>Go get SAA today! You'll understand what your H is going through and what your job will be when you read it. Your job outline is pretty specific, and the hardest thing you'll ever do. It's all kind of backwards, the way it works, and it will not feel natural...it takes a lot of practice. I've been learning it for months and still get nuts at times.<P>Settle down, take a deep breath, be there for your daughter. Know that you will be ok no matter what happens...you have to be, you're a mom.<P>Keep posting and let us know how you're doing<P>allison

Allison - Thank you for trying to help me. I agree with you. I feel that there is someone else - not sure what was done, but talking is enough! I also agree with you that he is very immature. But, how can he act like nothing has bothered him for so long. He married me only 8 months ago. I know I can change myself, and I want to try and change the things about me that annoys him, but he is not even giving me the chance.<P>I have seen a doctor and he prescribed medication. However, I notice no difference. I am going to my first counseling session this afternoon. I hope he will be able to help me.<P>But, how could he be acting like he loves me and nothing is wrong for a couple of months. Like I said, we only married 8 months ago. He told me right after we got married "Hon, I think we will be together forever." I said, "I hope so." He said, "I didn't mean that smart, I meant it as a good thing." What happened??????<P>So you think I shouldn't call him?<P>What is SAA? I just ordered a bunch of books that I plan to read. I just don't know what to do with my time. My whole lifestyle has changed overnight.<P>Please write back! -- MK

Mary Kay:<P>SAA = Surviving An Affair, Dr. Harley's recent book. It's fantastic. It tells you how affairs start and how they usually end up, and the dynamics of the affair, and how you, as a spouse, fit into the affair and what you can do. <P>Your H sounds terribly immature and indecisive. Twenty-seven is an age where you'd think that any man or woman would have sorted out their respective issues, however, I see too many men and women living out these periods of protracted adolescence that when I hear about someone bailing on a marriage so nonchalantly, with such a seemingly flippant attitude, I tend to wonder if they're originally from Planet Immaturia. <P>I don't want to give advice to you, Mary Kay, because your situation is completely different from mine. I only know what I would do if I were in your circumstances; I also know that it's not very productive to say things like, "Well, if I were you ..." even though it's tempting. I am sorry that you're going through this. A few questions ... do you feel as though you can step aside and approach this marriage objectively, as a third party might do? Aside from the affair, what were some of the major problems? What needs of yours were not getting met? What about your H, did he have needs that were unmet? How did he benefit from the marriage? How did you benefit from the marriage? <P>Now that I've got you thinking, I will subjectively say that your H sounds like a very spoiled brat. You have my utmost compassion, sweetie, because I've been there, and dealing with that kind of belligerent, blameshifting attitude is enough to drive someone out of their gourd. I wish you peace during this time, and the wisdom to make the right choices for you.<P>blessings,<P>belld

Belldandy:<BR>I will order the book.<P>My H is very immature and he always gets what he wants. It is funny how all his friends are now telling me that his Mom always spoiled him and then I spoiled him. He does and did whatever he wanted. When he started making minor complaints about me, I responded that all marriages go through these little annoyances and I asked him what he was looking for? I said a fantasy? He replied, maybe.<P>What would you do if you were in my circumstance?<P>I never thought we had major issues. My biggest complaint would be that I always felt like I was not his first priority. Everything and everybody else was always more important. I am not saying he treated me bad. All I am saying is that he was never home. He always had something to do. But, I was ok with that as long as he spent time with me. If I am honest with myself, I truly wish he would spend more time as a family with me and my daughter, rather than always getting a babysitter.<P>As far as his complaints... he says I cry all the time, I nag. I do nag sometimes, but not all the time. When he left to go the mountains, he asked me why I can't just tell him to have a good time rather than making a big deal out of his leaving. He says he feel he can't say anything to my daughter without me taking offense. And, I truly don't mind him discipling her, but I don't want him to yell at her because she is afraid of thunderstorms.<P>I view of our marriage was good. We were looking to build a new house and we were both working very hard the last 2 months trying to get our house ready to sell.<P>Do you think he is gone forever?<P>Did the same thing happen to you?<P>MK

Mary Kay,<P>My H was very spoiled. He was the product of a divorced high society family where fancy cars and fancy schools and fancy European vacations were given to him instead of love and hard discipline. Consequently, he grew up thinking that he was somehow more special than anyone else, to the point where he felt that he should not have to work an eight-hour day! Do you believe that nonsense?<P>What I did: I stopped enabling him. He moved out with some friends. Friends eventually got tired of him. OW got tired of him. Moved in with other friends. Now they are getting tired of him. He doesn't have the money to pay his own way - I always did that. Now he's beginning to see which side his bread was buttered on and appreciating it a bit more. He's starting to treat me like a human being.<P>But I had to detach completely. I stopped calling him and phoning him. When I hurt, I cried. But I WOULD NOT LET MYSELF call him or tell him about it. I made a new life for myself. This took a very long time. We separated last July, and we are just at the point where we are getting back together. During this time we were apart, I sought therapy for myself, sought out new hobbies, made new friends, started going back to church, and all the while, I kept my H's counsel confident, with the exception of one or two close friends, and the people on the virtual boards, like this one.<P>My H commented to me over this weekend, "You seem happier." And I told him that I *was* happier. I have completely become reliant on myself for everything. I no longer need him to do things around the house. I've become "self made" to the point where if he is in my life, yes, it would be better; but if he were not in my life, I have no doubt that there would one day be another person who loved me just as much. I have the utmost faith in God that He will ultimately choose what is best for me.<P>I also prayed for my H. This was very difficult to do, given the situation. But I prayed for his peace of mind every night; I prayed that he would be happy. And I believe that God is listening, because I've noticed a profound change in my H. Just the other day, he confided in me that he had started praying to God, and that was the only thing that kept him sane throughout this separation.<P>Now I will tell you why we had to separate... I discovered that my H was still seeing his OW, and we argued. He got physical. The police were summoned - by a neighbor, I think. The state arrested him for domestic violence, and now he faces losing everything - his law license, his career, his marriage, the respect of his friends and family. And he can directly trace this event back to his involvement with the OW. Because if he had not been with her, there would never have been an altercation. His attorney has advised him not to live with me until the case goes to trial, as H needs a long "time out."<P>So while my situation is different, there are components that are essentially the same. I can only tell you what worked for me. It took a very long time, and was very painful, because I had to "detach" to a certain degree. <P>belld

Hi again Mary Kay,<P>The questions you have are impossible to answer. Do we think he is gone forever...well, I've seen MB work too many times to give up hope, and I think you should not give up.<P>Listen, I know it's hard, but knowledge is power! You have to learn how to do this. The stories here are so similar in so many ways...only the details change from person to person. MB does not always work, but even those here who did end up divorced seem to have grown personally in many ways.<P>Listen MaryKay, my H has told me he was unhappy for 10 years of our 19 year marriage. Did he ever let me in on it? NOOOOOOOO!!! They don't because it makes us feel bad, but whew, if they only would have. Think of the pain and misery that could have been avoided. You are dealing with only months of your H being unhappy, seems pretty workable to me. <P>Also, the anti-depressants, they take a few weeks to start working, so give it time.<P>Glad to hear you found a therapist. Ask him/her if they are familiar with MB. You don't want to find one that is on a different wave-length than you.<P>As far as calling your H...I don't. He calls and checks in every day, and I am nice and love to talk to him, but I don't call. It means more to me that he calls, cuz then I know he is thinking about me and the kids. He (on the wonderful advice from the folks on this board) comes home just about every weekend, as the kids won't go to his apartment, and we have a great time. We are learning to be friends again.<P>Baby steps...so important to learn. Also, no expectations.<P>I have my own silly acronym that I remind myself constantly when I am with H. Don't laugh...it's "PEG". NO....PRESSURE, EXPECATIONS, GUILT. Hey, works for me.<P>Hang in there. You'll be ok, just think before you talk, bite your tounge a lot, and work on yourself.<P>allison

Allison:<P>I hear you and I knowbody knows what will happen. Only God.<P>But, I keep getting this overwhelming feeling to call. Should I call or should I LEAVE HIM ALONE?<P>MK

Mary Kay,<P>If you called him what would you say? Can you role-play it out a little bit here on this board? It's not a time to loose it with him if your emotions are not pretty stable.<P>I know you want to call,just to hear his voice, but he isn't likely to be very nice to you right now. Do you want to hear more bad stuff and to feel worse after the call?<P>I have to have a real specific reason to call my H. It just does not work well if I call him, because his mind is on business or something else. I know when he calls me, his mind is here...maybe on the kids, not me, but here. It hurts my feelings if I call and he is curt or rushed. Maybe I'm a conflict avoider, but I'm not going to do anything to hurt worse than I already do.<P>Don't call expecting any answers to your questions. Remember, he's the messed up one right now, not you. (I know you feel messed up too, but right now he gets to be the crazy one).<P>I don't know if I'm helping here, because this is a terrible, confusing mess, but if I've learned one thing here...it's that horrid time thing. Give it time.<P>allison

Allison:<P>You are right. I don't think I should call because he will just be mean to me. And I would be calling to get answers to my questions that I guess he can't even answer right now.<P>It just HURTS so bad. A month ago, he loved me and today he doesn't.<P>MK