Hi Genie,<P>I'm so glad you have joined us and are willing to help us. I was forced into a strict Plan B a week ago, when I came home from work to find a moving van in my driveway. H decided to move closer to OW (3 hours away from me.) He indicated he wanted to still have contact with me. But, I said, "NO."<P>A little background - Affair began in 9/98 (he says), was discovered in 7/99. Married 21 years. Never any problems before. This came as a complete shock. H says problem is with HIM. He's lost the 'romantic' feeling for me since he has been unsuccessful in finding fulltime employment. Turned the anger of his situation inward, & it's affected his feelings for me (he says). I did a very good Plan A for 5 months. H told me leaving was the hardest thing he's ever done, but that he can't keep hurting me. Told me he loves me more than OW.<P>Now, the questions. I never formally wrote a Plan B letter to him. Just told him I didn't want to see him. So far, he hasn't contacted me. Should I write him the Plan B letter? I did get his address before he left.<P>What do I do if he calls me? I don't have caller ID, & I don't know his number anyway. Since there is to be no contact, should I even talk to him? If so, what should I say?<P>Thank you for taking the time to help us all here in what is probably the most painful time of our lives.

sidney,<P>I would recommend that you send him the Plan B letter (see RMA and other posts about wording). You want to let him know that although it's too painful to have contact with him, that you love him, want your marriage, acknowledge your share of problems, have worked to fix them, and want to reconcile once OW is out of the picture.<P>This way he knows that there's a way back. Right now, he's probably not sure.<P>I'd suggest that you do get caller ID. You'll figure out whether it's him on the phone or not. As a second choice, I'd go with an unlisted number. However, do give him a contact route (3rd party) for important information.

K,<P>Thank you for your response. I just wasn't sure what to do since on one hand you're not supposed to have any contact. But, on the other, you don't want them to feel the bridge has been burned. <P>I know that during our final hours together, I did do a fair amount of lovebusting. I implied that I would be leaving the state and when he asked where was I going, I said that it didn't matter. When he said that he hadn't signed a long term lease because he didn't think the affair would last, I said, "Gee, that's too bad because then you will be alone." It's so demoralizing to feel like you're second best. And that they want you to hang around just in case it doesn't work out. How does one come to grips with that?

When H left I did a lot of love busting I told him that if he left he could never come back and I left. We are only human and no matter how much we try we are going to let our emotions get the best of us, especially under such stress.<P>I agree with K you need to send a plan b letter. It keeps the door open that when he is ready to give up OW then you will be there. You know even if you do move you can still keep the door open. I know that in my heart my moving was the best thing because when he comes back to me we will not be in the same town as the OW and I think that will be necessary for him to get over the ow. You might take that into consideration.<BR>[[[[HUGS]]]] <P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Thanks, Diana. What you said really helped. As much as I KNOW this is his problem and he needs his space to resolve it, I just can't seem to keep from beating myself up. Shoulda done this, shouldn't have said that, and so on. You're right about the moving. I SO need a change. The constant memories are nearly unbearable. My home no longer feels like a home, just another house. I just want to start over. I think I'm sort of afraid of the move, because I don't know how I'm going to feel about the possibility of H eventually joining me. I'm so confused right now. I'm not even certain I want to encourage him with a Plan B letter. My love bank is not only on empty, but I've come to fear him.

Yep... Yep... Yep...<P>A few posts with Plan B letters...<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/009414.html" TARGET=_blank>Sample Plan B letter (see Chris' reply)</A><BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/010065.html" TARGET=_blank>Sample Plan B letter (from PLEASE HELP)</A><BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/010474.html" TARGET=_blank>Sample hybrid-Plan B letter (from izzy)</A><P>I think your confusion will lift a bi after a short while in Plan B. Give it time...<P>Prayers for strength... <P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...

Hi Sidney,<P>I used the sample Plan B letter from Chris.<BR>I thought it was beautifully worded, and said everything I wanted to say.<P>Plan B has been great for me - I got a little bit of myself back, and there was no opportunity to LB.<P>That in itself was great in my situation.<P>I feel a lot more at peace with my situation, and have let fate, or God take over.<P>I have moved on with my life. If, and when, my H decides he would like to talk, or come home, then I will cross that bridge then.<P>We will be spending 4 days over Christmas together - he is coming here to be with the girls. I guess I'll be off the Plan B wagon then - but it's Christmas - and I love Christmas.<P>I'm thinking of you. I don't have any indication that Plan B is working where my H is concerned - he has his head up his butt as far as I'm concerned - but it worked for me. I got my sanity back.<P>I'll be thinking of you, and praying for you, and I'm sending a hug your way.<P>Jo

SIdney, Do plan B. I know you are not sure what you want but plan b would give you that breathing room you need. <P>I have been working on another resume and cover letter so my brain isn't working. I got your email but I want to reread it when the brain cells are working. I'll email you tomorrow <P>I assume you are asleep ( I hope) so I know you will get this in the morning. Have a good day and I write soon.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Jim - Thank you so much for taking the time to bring the sample Plan B letters across. You are so kind.<P>Jo - Thank you for the prayers, and hugs! I'm so glad to hear that you've regained your sanity and are getting on with your life. So far, I am not feeling any better since H left. Just confusion, & lonliness.<P>Diana - Thanks for the advice. Still lighting my candle every night for your job situation. Looking forward to your email today. I have a dinner date with my guardian angel tonight.<P>

Sidney,<BR>I am flattered that you asked for my opinion. Actually I read your post earlier but could not reply then as I had to get to a dr's appt., but I'd like to reply now.<P>It sounds like to me that your H does love you still as he admitted. The problem I think most face is the fact that because they do still love us that they do not feel as if they are worthy anymore. My H also had great concerns of hurting us further and felt as if "we" would be better off without him.<P>At first I thought that was a cop out but now I see that those feelings were genuine, and even though it hurt I still had to love him for it because in his own way he was trying to protect me & our children from any further pain he was afraid of inflicting on us.<P>It will be much different for him now. Sure at first it may be nice but I really do believe that will be very short lived. Usually with an affair everything is nice and neat, easy if you will that is until the day of discovery. Then of course as you know it gets much harder, for them especially.<P>He will be upset and in withdrawl from you as well and the OP usually is very threatened by that and does not handle it well.<P>I know that the OW in my H's life at the time, often told my H to "go home to your W" and I think he was just basically afraid to and it ws easier to stay with her for the time being than it was to be alone in his own misery.<P>My guess would be that your H will feel the same. The less contact you have the more withdrawl he will feel for you. You must realize that it is not as easy to erase the history you two share than you are thinking. Don't let your fears convince you of that.<P>Your H has told you already in the best way that he knows how that he loves you still and that he doubts that the relationship will work out, more than likely he is feeling that even more now.<P>OW like it nice and clean but that is not what is like and them being together more is actually probally good for you. I doubt that it is as pleasant as it once was. Believe me she is feeling very insecure herself, rest assured.<P>Now for my advice:<P>I agree send him the letter. Explain to him that this is a hard situation and you believe there have been things said and done on both sides that you both wish that could be taken back. That you still love him very much and would very much {how could you not} & that you would like to work out your problems and save this marriage but that you can not allow yourself to share him with anyone and won't.<P>I would not change your phone number, but I would get a caller ID box so that you can screen your calls. I would also if you don't already see about either an answering machine or voice mail so that he can leave a message if he wants to talk about reconciliation but I would avoid talking to him. He needs to miss you and he needs his needs to go unmet by you for awhile so that he will miss you.<P>In all likelyhood... this is merely a mid-life thing. Someone probally showed some interest and it was an overwhelming feeling for him to feel desired by another.<P>I know I'm long winded but I just have such a desire to help others who are in the same shoes I was that I feel I have a clarity now that I didn't have then and a well of knowledge and I just can't seem to stop sometimes. I'm sorry if its too much. But please induldge me for one more moment...<P>I'd like for you to think about something.<P>Do you remember how you felt when you H and you first got together? The high and the excitement that you both felt? That is exactly what he felt again and it really is very overwhelming and captivating.<P>That is how my H felt and I must admit I have felt that myself. I once got caught up in it myself however I was able to overcome it before it went to far but knowing that feeling I can see how easy it is to go to far with it. I am the type of person that loves my H with all my heart and I would never of thought that it would have been possible or even conceivable that I could do such a thing, but if the situation of would have presented itself to have been sexual, I am not sure I could have resisted either regardless of my love.<P>I hope I have helped some, let me know what happens.<P>Genie

Genie,<P>God is DEFINITELY working on me right now - putting all that I NEED to see and understand right in front of my face. These are the sings I have prayed for.<P>OK, you and everybody else has me convinced I need to do PlanB. You sure make a compelling case for it.<P>My biggest fears have been that my H is off having FUN, FUN, FUN without me and NEVER thinking of me once. Maybe not even having any guilt. Erasing history and maybe I don't and won't exist in his memory anymore. I really WANT to believe what you wrote - that he is thinking of me and missing me and feeling guilty.....I REALLY want to believe that. God, please let it be true....<P>I appreciate your help to all of us who have so little hope here. sidney, SDS, me, others.....we need the inspiration of you and others in recovery. You know, in our hearts, we know we are survivors, but even the strongest has periods of extreme weakness.....<P>Genie, thank you!<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Roll-<BR>Thank You but please read my most recent post about taking advice from Genie<P>Genie

Oh, Genie! You are a ray of sunshine in this pit of despair. Long winded? Absolutely not. I hung on your every word. <P>Most people (especially my family) cannot understand why I don't just dump him & move on. But, you know, I felt more love for him (even though it hurt like hell) when he had the courage to move out. I realized that he meant what he said about not being able to continue hurting me & this was the only way he knew how. His leaving was an act of kindness on his part, & entailed a supreme sacrifice. He was very emotional, cried most of the night, and nearly hugged me to death. So, I know it wasn't easy for him. He has also told me he feels like a "flea" due to his job situation, & now he feels exceedingly guilty for what he's done. So, you are right saying he feels unworthy. Having you validate this for me has really helped me because I have been tormented by fears that I am simply in denial, & not thinking rationally. I know my sister feels this way about me, even though she has not come out and said so.<P>I have wondered, too, if he would be feeling any withdrawal from ME. We do have a close bond, & he has often told me that I am his best friend and he has always valued my opinion, & that "I'm usually right". He said so again the last night we spent together. Thank you for reassuring me that he won't be able to do a memory wipe of the last 20 years. Funny that you mention that because before he left he insisted upon taking a trip down memory lane. We laughed & talked about all the good times. And, there have been many. But, even so, I was afraid that he would simply lock them away. <P>I do know that OW is very insecure. I did ask him if she knew he still loved me, and he replied, "Yes, & it scares the [censored] out of her." So, I am hopeful that she will notice his signs of withdrawal, & that will cause some problems.<P>I also believe this IS a mid-life thing. And, I know it is an addiction. So, having taken the Plan B step has brought me some peace because I know it is our only hope for recovery. I really think that he knew that too when he made the choice to move out. He left me a note last Friday that said, "I care for you, but I believe this is for the best for us in the long term."<P>I am taking your advice to heart. I will work on the Plan B letter, & mail it this weekend. I will get a caller id box, although I'm on the internet most of the time when I'm at home, so he couldn't reach me if he wanted to. Complete separation is our only hope.<P>Thank you again, Genie. You have allayed many of my fears. I really need to use this time to work on ME, to grow, and to become a better person. You have given me the peace of mind to be able to embark on that journey now.<P>You are an angel.<P>RMA- Welcome to the Plan B club!! We can do this. We have each other. And Genie!!

I know how this feels and I am so happy that I could help reassure and comfort you guys somehow, but I'm no angel just a survivor.<P>Love <BR>Genie

Thank You Genie! Your post wasn't long winded, but just right. I wouldn't change a word. It has given me hope!<P>Thanks,

Genie<P>Once again you have inspired me, I am just at the verge of Plan B (I move to another state next week).<P>I feel it is the first bit of control I have in the affair as up until now it has been all my Ws call. I'm sure you are right that it puts a different perspective on the relationship, a certain insecurity. <P>I have a call to Steve Harley today to discuss the issue.<P>It aint over till it's over.<P>Thanks again for your words of wisdom.<P>Regards<BR>Fairenough