Don't know if there is a right answer to this one... (which comes first, the chicken or the egg?!!)...but would like to know what others think. My husband insists that his 'friendship' did not cause all these problems...that he is 'broken inside'. I know that he is depressed, but wonder if he had the EA because he was depressed, or if he became depressed because of the EA.

My H it was definitely the depression. His doc & I had both felt he was depressed before his EA, altho he was functioning quite well to outside appearances. He did not agree, wouldn't get treated, and got worse and worse. Fell "in-love". In the aftrmath, his depression became more "classic" and unable to ignore. <P>Great book - - "I don't want to talk about it" about hidden depression in men. Talks about how often men's depression is missed bcs symptoms are not as obviously recognizable as they often are in women. Explains that a man may go around with low-level depression for a long time. May try to "self-medicate" the feeling (or lack of feelings) with an affair, drugs or alcohol, but that when that crutch is removed the symptoms are likely to really "break out"...exactly what happened to my H. He finally got help when he felt unable to cope with it anymore.<P>I'm sure in some cases the affair may happend first, but that was not the case in mine. I wish to h*ll my H had listened to his doc 2 years ago...<P>Best wishes--<BR>Kathi

My wife was definatley depressed prior to infidelity and the infidelity only made the depression worse.

My H has been depressed for years. The depression was there way before the affair. Affair made it worse, unmanageable. Now he is on meds and in counseling and seems to be a different person... Time will tell.<P>littlemurph - I can relate to what your husband says about being "broken inside". My H has said things like that. Said he felt "lost". Now says he "feels alive for the first time". Everything "feels real". Is your H getting help?

In my H's case also,the depression came first.As a nurse,I could see it in him for at least 2 years before I found out about the A.He refused to admit it,oh no, he was a MAN and real men don't get depressed. He also had a misconception of what depression was,as Kathi mentions, the signs and symptoms are somewhat different in men.So as he felt worse and worse he medicated himself with OW.<P>Shortly after discovery he agreed to try meds and all it took was 2 short weeks and he felt like a different person, PTL! Now the man who refused to admit his own depression has encouraged several buddies of his to get help for the same thing.Boy,how things change! He says now, that he thinks he was depressed for 3-4 years before he got help.

DI,<BR>My husband finally broke down and went to the doctor for antidepressants when he was going through the worst of his withdrawal. Unfortunately, he only took them for 4 weeks and then threw the rest of the bottle away. " I hate taking drugs". I really can't say that they helped at all in the time he was taking them.<BR>How long did your husband take meds and go through counseling before you noticed a difference?<P>Kam6318, <BR>Thanks for the book title. I have been trying to find something to read, will check it out.

My H feels like he noticed a difference within a week of taking the meds. The doctor said four to six weeks. But, there are so many different types and apparently some work for some people and others do not. I hate that your H gave up on them without further investigation into what might help him. <P>As far as the counseling... We were going to the pastor at our church once a week for two months while he was still lying and carrying on the affair. (Long story.) Once he confessed all of it and we started seeing a professional counselor I could really tell a difference in him. Of course, he did a lot of work on his own in his relationship with God - rather God did a lot of work on him. He was also very motivated to get help for himself (which he knew he needed but was too stubborn, stupid, lazy, or depresssed - whatever - to get) because he was losing me and his children. His first step to reaching out for help was as I had kicked him out. <P>I still don't trust him completely even though by all appearances and investigative work, he is a changed man. I still ask him every day if he is taking his meds. Sometimes I check the bottle. But he feels so much better on them that I don't think he will ever want to go back to the way he was. <P>His counselor did say that meds won't cure the problem... they can only help you cope. <P>Hope this helps. I never would have thought that he could be so different. So normal. So even. He actually smiles. The lethargy and negativity are gone. I wish your H would give them another chance.

With my H 100% the depression. He wouldn't admit it although he admitted to all the symptoms! Then the affair only made it worse.

My H was depressed for about 6 months ( maybe longer at a low level) before EA. I discovered EA when it was less than 2 months old ( he said it was only a month or 2). Since D-day his life away from home seems to be improving but he is in complete withdrawl from me right now. He is classic to to T MLC.