Ripped brought up an interesting topic in Dragantrace's post that probably should be brought up - why do we put up with a WS?<P>I never thought that I would stay with a man who cheated on me. I think that is one of the biggest betrayals PERIOD, and I never envisioned myself trying to work through an affair. But you know, when you love somebody enough, you discover a strength that you never knew you had.<P>I don't buy the whole "once a cheater, always a cheater" saying anymore. We're human, nobody's perfect, and yes, my H screwed up big time, but as long as he genuinely wants to work through this and restore our marriage, I'll forgive him. Unfortunately, the marriages of all of us in this room are in the majority. How you handle it determines whether or not your marriage survives. Don't be accepting of a spouse straying by any means, but when they see the light (as most of them do), don't be condemning.<P>Now that I've actually looked, I've found couples who have survived affairs and their marriages have become stronger. I don't think anybody ever has the same trust in their spouse as before. You learn to trust them implicitly again, but it's not the same naive trust that an untarnished marriage has. It's an "eyes open" trust, to where you cannot take your marriage/spouse for granted - you realize that have to both meet each other's needs to have a successful marriage. Am I this evolved yet - NO! I'm still very bitter. But we're taking baby steps there, and I know that my H and I will make it through this. Why do I stay with my H? Because I know that we're going to be okay in the long run.

CB,<P>I hear what your saying, but I posted to Dragantraces thread. <P>When there is more involved other then poor judgement and bad choice - sexual addiction, <BR>forgiving and staying only to repeat again this behaviour - at what point do you stop the cycle? <P>That is where I am at now - I realize that I have supported this behaviour by cronically forgiving and taking my husband back. <P>I feel like I can't stay this time - I know I can't go through this pain again, even with my husband's remorse and promises - without help from a professional - I am doomed to repeat this because of his illness. As explained, each time this happens, and we are on an every three year cycle - it gets more severe and destructive. Something I now know is that my H has learned how to keep this completely hidden - very effectively. I am afraid of the next level he will take this and I know what will happen to me to have to go through this recovery yet again. <P>I am really in conflict now as to what to do. Hopefully, his couselor can offer suggestions because I see no way of staying in this marriage without repeating this.

I stay for my kids and my kids only at this point. Perhaps I will feel different later but right now they are the only thing that keeps me hanging in. If they were not around neither would I be

I guess I should clarify the whole "stick with it no matter what" perspective that I dished out earlier. Now if somebody keeps cheating on and on, you need to go to a Plan A or B. If you keep forgiving that person, that makes forgiveness cheap. You can't alienate the person, but you also must let it be known that continuing this behavior will not be tolerated. There's definitely a line.

Not tolerating this - has been done - each time it is different - same story line, different methods. <P>My problem, and I'll just say in lieu of being jumped - is plan A'ing an addict does nothing but reward the person. I have plan A'd till I am bleu int he face thinkning that was the answer (before I even knew I was plan A'ing) and as I stated, every three years or so, we go through this again, different method and reason and each time it is deeper and darker. <P>So I feel at this point, my only alternative is Plan B - but Plan B - has a no return policy - I, once I have made the decision to move on, never look back, so I love my husband, we have 18 years, but my only choice is Plan B, and because of my belief and value system, I never look back, it's just over. <P>Geeeze... I'm even more confused and frustrated then ever. How do you walk away from someone you love that is sick? I know his family won't help him - they are the reason he is this way.........<P>

Carlone Belle: I know what you mean. I am at this point. I don't know whether to walk away or not. Just in the last few days I feel disgusted at my life. I love my H more today than I did 12 years ago. But what he has done to me is imaginable and I'm not sure he can or is willing to repair the damage. He tells me he is but I'd rather see proof. He's the most lost person I've ever met in my life. I would always wish him well but he needs help. <P>I'm delighted to hear you and your H are on your way to recovery. We've started for the third time. This time the only thing I want is actions. Yes it's nice to hear the words you long to hear but that's all they are. I've been faced with "should I walk away?" more than ever before these past 2 days. The wounds are still new and I've givin my word to wait a little longer for them to heal. But I fear the worst.<P>Genesforme, I thought I was talking when I read your post. I haven't made a decision because I know once I do it will be for good. When I met my H over 12 years ago it took me over 4 months to tell him I loved him. He said it to me but I wouldn't say it until I knew. I wouldn't get married until I knew. And I wouldn't have a baby before I knew. So once I make my mind up I will know it's over. Even though the love I have inside for this man could never be matched. I drew the line today in one of my posts. This is the last time I'll try. I barely have strenght to make it through each day. If he is still lying to me, the truth will come out and I won't let him beat me again. I pray for you. I hope we are offered some sign so we know we've given our last effort without looking back and wondering "what if". Sorry this is long. I tend to ramble these days. Good luck to each of you. I'll be thinking of you. LSM<P>[This message has been edited by lostsoulmate (edited July 18, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by lostsoulmate (edited July 18, 2000).]

lostsoulmate, <P>The ONLY thing that has gotten me through this this far has been my faith and I know too that when I receive the answers to my prayers - if it is for me to leave and move on - that I have done all I can in this relationship. <P>I love this man and God brought us together 18 years ago for a reason, but I don't believe God want me to have this pain in my life. I will always love this man, but when it's time to move on - that is what I will do... this may the time. <P><BR>Sorry if I offend anyone with my beliefs, but my faith has been tested this round and it is the most important thing in my life right now to get me through. I don't mean to force my views on anyone......

Don't apologize genesforme. You may have reached your breaking point. There HAS to be some point where you take what's left of your dignity and move on to find the life you deserve. You gave everything you had and more. You deserve the same in return.<P>I wish there was some way to make our H's see. It could be so simple. If only my H felt the same way about me that I feel about him. I think he might. But I don't think he knows it and I don't think he would know it until I was gone. And then it would be too late. I hope it's not too late for you and your H. But then again. If you've reached bottom, I hope you're on your way to a better life. And I hope you find someone who will treat you as you deserve. Good Luck. I'm giving you what little strength I have left. LSM<P>

Back to Carolina's original question of why we put up with it. I, too, never thought i would, but he's made a mistake and he's sorry.<P>I now know when to be concerned about his behavior and he now knows the pain of a little infidelity. Everything is on the table.<P>Like others, I stay primarily for my kids. He's not a terrible person, but has had terrible judgement on how he behaved. Perhaps I have to rediscover my love for him. I'm not so angry at him anymore. More like broken hearted. <P>Sometimes when we're having a good laugh or reminscing about old times, I think "what a waste it would have been to end this all". That's when I think it is worth rebuilding. <BR>There's a lot of history, love, caring, good times, family ties, that make it worthwhile to stick it out. But the rules of the road must be clear and I believe violations must have consequences.

This is going to sound crazy to most of you, but the cheating itself - the sex - was not an issue with me. Even the emotional attachment, I could understand how, under the circumstances, it could have occurred between my H and the OW. However, what I do not understand, and never will, are the lies. Why my H lied about it, and why he continued to lie about it, even when they were still seeing each other as "friends." To me, this was the biggest betrayal of all, because it took me out of the loop entirely. Perhaps they were "just friends," but if my H had respected me and had had faith that I could handle this information as an adult might, instead of a child, then it would have been different. His *continued* and *protracted* lying and deceit are what really made it difficult for me to forgive. He knows this, and since, has been more forthcoming. I think that there are a lot of things that I will come to find out in the future that are too difficult and painful for him to deal with right now. Then again, there are things that I will never know about at all. I'm sure that I'll never get the whole story - and to be honest, I'm not sure that I want it. <P>I only want to know that I'm not being lied to or deceived. That is all I want to know. I am willing to give my H a second chance to be honest with me ... however, if I find out again that he is seeing her or contacting her, I will have to leave the marriage. It has gone on long enough.<P>belld

Belld, I'm in agreement. It's the continued lies that tear me apart more than anything. If he opened himself up from dday going foward we'd heal so much faster.<P>But the lies are like pouring salt in the wound. And makes accepting the affair more difficult. And pushes you closer to packing your bags. Good Luck. LSM

Same here.. everytime he lies to me - a piece dies. <P>My husband believes that if he doesn't answer the question, he is not lying, he also says often - I don't remember - yah right!<P>He used to be a terrible liar, but has gotten quite good over the years, I no longer believe that ai would know if he was keeping something secret again and I'm tired of being the 'watch dog'.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by genesforme:<BR><B>When there is more involved other then poor judgement and bad choice - sexual addiction, forgiving and staying only to repeat again this behaviour - at what point do you stop the cycle? <BR> </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I always think we should give a person, esp. someone you dearly love, a second chance. However...while you can repeatedly forgive the person if they continue to betray you over and over again.....I don't believe you need to take them back over and over again. Then you become a doormat and you are only helping him act unstable. <P>If he is REALLY sincere, then the second chance will be a lifeline. If you give him the lifeline over and over again, and he just hauls himself up each time only to jump back into the waters of adultry, I'm sorry....I don't think that's wise. But then again, I didn't think I could ever consider giving a cheating husband a first chance!!<P>I was always of the "Dr. Laura" philosophy...kick the bum out. But did I do it...no, I begged, screamed, pleaded, etc. for him to stay with me. He left anyway. I won't beg now. But if he did want to come home, I would consider it and I would forgive him if he truly desired it. Actually, I have forgiven him, but the trust and so forth...I would try again.<P>Like genesform said...my H is sick...I believe that....I am the only sane/moral person in his life (I know that sounds weird, but it's true...he's created a bubble of immorality around him). Now THAT's sad, because we hardly have any contact.<P>Anyway, that's just my opinion...<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs. O<P>

Everyone here has voiced feelings that I am having. My husband has had internet affairs off and on for 3 years. Before that, I found out that he had a real affair which resulted in the girl getting pregant with twins! Now he is paying child support and they are only 7 yrs. old. The reason I stayed w/him after that was our marriage was very rocky and I admitted that I even may have had an affair if there was anyone I would do it with, so I couldn't judge him too much. But, now the Internet has entered our life and he is now not only a sex addict, but internet addict. He does cypersex and phone sex when I am not at home. The only reason I know I have put with with this is for our only child, who is 19 and in college. He is the center of my life and I wouldn't do anything to ruin his life. His relationship w/his father is okay, but I fear that if I try to threatened a divorce, it would hurt him greatly, not to mention putting myself in danger as my husband has a violent temper. Plus I fear of losing half of my inheritance from my parents. I have to think about my financial future too. My husband is too basically a good person, but has some serious problems. Now as I look back, we were not matched at all. It was just two crazy college kids in heat! If I knew even half of the stuff back then about my husband and his moods/addictions, etc., I would not have married him. Now, 24 yrs later, I feel trapped and in a corner. Any suggestions on how to maintain my life until I can finally say, Enough!!!!???????