Goodmorning all:<P>I need to change my username to "Nightowl." <BR>Will think about it.<P>I haven't been updating my story since the infamous "I Hate You" LB, but I have been reading your posts and responding where I thought I had anything to say.<P>Basic story is H had PA with OW five years ago which ended in 6 months, then started up again a year later, ended again in 3 months, and now 3 years later, OW is back and he is gone again.<BR> <BR>Ok, never had MB before so decided to try Harley's principles before giving up for good. Been Plan A'ing and H responding with hugs,kisses and friendly talk (LB has always been on my side, he is always nice and concerned about me). We worked together all day so plenty of time to Plan A. <P>Problem is have vague feeding that H going along with Plan A because makes it easier on him...easier then dealing with LB b***h all day long. <P>After 2 other go-rounds I don't want to invest any more time in this relationship unless he intends to invest some effort at rebuilding...something he has given lip service to but not actually done in the last 5 years. <P>So.o.o.... I'm thinking about asking what H's intentions are? I think I can do this without LBing. At this point I just need for all the cards to be on the table....I need information so that I can make decisions about my future...it's not fair to keep me in limbo while he cruises. <P>I also intend to tell him that although I love him and always will, this will be the last attempt I will make to repair this marriage.<P>As for being in the dark, any questions I have asked about status with OW are met with "I don't know." <P>OW is here while her husband is in 3 month training for new job (Her H is in another state but her children are here with XH). OW's H will be transferred to Ft. Worth at end of summer. I asked H what did they intend to do about OW's H "Just leave him hanging in the wind" He said no she would be moving to Ft. Worth with him. This might sound like good news but being 2000 miles away last time didn't stop her, so a couple of hundred won't be a obstacle. H claims he doesn't have any idea what she is going to do.<P>Here's the rub. From past experience I think H intends to try to come home and see OW on the side when she is here to see her kids...Yes, he really thinks it will work.<BR>I really think he sees her as a recreational activity that he indulges in every now and then while the rest of his life goes on.<P>I personally have no intention of having him back at home and have told him so, but he will try I'm sure...hence the preliminary<BR>moves to re-connect with me.<P>Ok, any suggestion about what to do? Can't Plan B because we own business together.<BR>Think it might be possible to be separated and continue to work through Plan A? Before there has always been too much anger to try to rebuild. Things could be different this time.<P>Any help would be appreciated. I have until the end of August to come up with a decision.<P>Buffy<BR> <BR> <P><BR>

Hi Buffy,<BR> I'm one of those people who thinks a separation can be a good thing. It was for H and I.It helped us a lot.<P>There is nothing wrong with asking for the cards to be laid out on the table.You can get through that without LBing and have a better idea of how to work on you and how to do the best plan A as a result.If you are friendly w/H,as it sounds like you are, then of course you can Plan A while separated.Our separation allowed both H and I to do a lot of growing.It was really difficult for us to do any inward reflection in a tiny house with three kids,the normal everyday chaos just didn't allow time for it.With H gone,he could reflect and I had evenings to myself to do the same once the kids were in bed.It also gave my H a glimpse of what life would be like as a divorced dad. The kids refused to go to his new place on the weekends,it made him sad.He came here every weekend,which allowed me to do a good plan A.H was really probably here as much as he was away.<P>Since you've been through this before with H and are not willing to rebuild alone again, a separation could help you to strengthen yourself.For me, it was good for me to find out that if worse came to worse, I could definitely handle the kids and finances etc all by myself if I had to,and even like it.It helped restore some of my self esteem.<P>Good luck Buffy, I always enjoy and can relate to your posts.Take care.

Buffy,<P>I know that you probably don't want to hear this, but I'm going to post it anyway. Being that your H's EMR has been going on (and off) for so long now, it's definitely time to move to Plan B. Now, there will be sacrifices. Let me tell you what mine were: I have had to take over the complete payment of our home and all of our expenses. I have had to actually get another job to do so. However, my H cannot move back into our home until I am convinced that he is not seeing the OW or having any contact with her, as per the measures described in Harley's "Surviving an Affair." I waited too long waiting for him to end it ... and now it's time for me to "end" it until he straightens up and flies right. <P>Is it possible for you to sever ties to your joint business? Get another job in the interim? I know that this would probably cause duress on both you and your H, however, perhaps once your H knows that you mean business and suffers a loss because of his affair, he will eventually come around. I definitely think it's time to move to Plan B.<P>BTW, I can't help but to comment on how unusual it is to see a betraying spouse who actually talks about his affair so openly, and who gives you details about the OP. I had to hire a P.I. just to find out the OP's name and address!<P>belld

Although my situation was not as complex, I believe a separation was the best thing we(I) ever did. <P>It happened on dday and I insisted he leave. He could come back on conditions that he would end all contact w/OW, work on our marriage, seek some kind of counseling and be a better father. <P>THe separation, albeit a short one, gave him the time to think about what he had done and what he needed to do. It gave me the time to think about whether I could really give this a try. <P>It gave him a does of reality of what it will be like to be on his own. For some people this may be dangerous, because the WS may actually want that and won't work on the marriage. For me, if he wasn't willing to commit to the marriage 100%, I wasn't interested. <P>

<BR>Thank all of you for your replys. I am at work right now so I don't have time to properly answer you posts but I will do so later. <P>Anyway, today is not a good day. H came over to my house for lunch and while he was there wanted to take a spice rack from the kitchen out to his "love nest" along with a staple gun to do some tacking on a window screen (to keep out the flies). <P>Where was this guy when I asked him to help me with repairs around the house? With his nose struck in the TV. Home come he is go eager to do household repairs now? <P>Well, don't have time to rant now. Later.<P>Buffy

Buffy,<P>i agree with mthrrbard. separation, as painful as it has been for me, has had it's positive aspects. though i resent the fact that my H can now act like a single man and not sneak around to see his OW, while i am here taking care of house, bills, kids, etc (as i have always done), i have found it has made him think differently about me. he says he misses me (yeah, except when he's feelin' sad, he's got HER to comfort him). it's obvious we both took each other for granted over the years. i think he misses being around his kids and involved in their lives on a daily basis. i think he took them for granted, too. i hope this all makes him think of what he is losing and may permanently lose.<P>you are quite a woman to give your H so many chances after repeat betrayals. no offense, but does this man of yours have any redeeming qualities?? i would surely make this the last chance he has, if i were you. how do you stand the repeated heartbreak of his betrayals? <BR>because you both work together, Plan B technically won't work. but if you separate, perhaps you can emotionally distance yourself from him, telling him you still love him and would like to make your marriage work, and when he's REALLY willing to make the effort, not just give lip service, you and he can talk about it. wishing you luck..... SW

Hi All:<P>Finally got back to board. It's been a long day. No need to rant, we resolved matter of his taking stuff from house to stock "love nest." Last thing that was said was that I would rather it be throw away rather then go to "love nest." He laughed and agreed he had been thoughtless about this...just thought I wouldn't care because I never used it.<P>In the spirit of the good mood I ask him what he intended to do...as expected he said he is doing nothing really...just working and going to "love nest" and going to sleep.<BR>Always makes a big effort to make it seem like it is very uninteresting. In other words waiting for something to happen that will decide things for him.<P>mthrrhbard--<P>Separation is the only way I can deal with him if he continues to see OW when she moves.<BR>I also see it as a time we can both grow. <P>As leverage to get him to work on the marriage I will tell him that working on the marriage is a condition of my remaining at the office to help (believe me he is scared of my leaving).<P>I am so glad my children are grown, although they were teenagers when all this began. I don't envy you having to deal with all this and handling children's problems too.<P>belldandy--<P>I have paid with parts of my life for this business and I won't give it up. I didn't ask for this, it's his problem. If I have to I will work side by side with him even through a divorce.<P>Basically I would agree with you that Plan B is the way to go, but Harley recommends a firm foundation in Plan A first and I do think that is important in our case.<P>When I go to Plan B it will envolve a move to Dallas and a totally new life so it will be a very last resort.<P>janetw--<P>There are all levels of attachment to OP and many reasons for that attachment. My H's attachment is very strong but very inappropriate and he knows it. This is all mixed up in his MLC and health problems.<P>Some of you are lucky enough that your H's attachment is not as strong and they are able to break more easily. They are probably stronger emotionally then my H.<P>My H is a poster child for Harley's principle that the betrayer must give up the OP or the marriage cannot be restored. You can see how long this can hang on if not stopped or dealt with.<P>I appreciate each of your replies, as each of you gave me a different perspective on the matter and basically reflected my own divergent thinking.<P>Buffy <P> <P><BR> <P><BR> <P>

Sadwife:<P>How are you doing? I know this is all new to you and I thank you for trying to help in what I know is a difficult time for you. I remember.<P>My life has been a series of Plan Bs as far as my H goes. He is a very surface person, a people pleaser, product of a very stern father and a loveable mother, both of whom I loved, a man with no idea of what a woman needs, and a little bit selfish. My way of dealing with this was to withdraw and not talk to him.<P>But you know what, he is very lovable, funny, extremely intelligent, will do anything to please you, a good father, someone you can expect to get good advise from at any time. He's just not very good at interpersonal relationships and has very poor self esteem.<P>I am sorry that I have failed to see this before we started having trouble, but I feel that it is me he needs the reaffirmation from...it's me he needs to feel he is alright. Complicated....yes, very. <P>But I will try to give him what he needs and if I am right, then I don't think OW will remain a problem.<P>I look forward to seeing how your marriage is restored as I think there is a good possibility.<P>Buffy <BR>