I was discussing Plan A with my sister, and she asked a valid question: Doesn't this kind of "permanent Plan A", if triggered by either an affair or some kind of outside threat that hasn't escalated to an affair yet, create a "positive reinforcement" to bad behavior?<P>Sometimes I wonder if I've convinced my H that when he "misbehaves", whether by withdrawing or whatever, I'll respond by being extra-nice.<P>Any thoughts?

I guess on the surface this could be what Plan A looks like.<P>But for me, Plan A is not about rewarding my H. It is about me letting go of MY bad behaviors (withholding affection, hurtful words, etc). This is my effort to be a better person. The one I want to be and can be. My children, if no one else does. <P>I guess the thought is that you have then pulled away all the ugly behavior from your side of the fence that spouse is usually claiming is pushing them away. Once you take down that wall there is an opening for them to change, if they want to. It is that leap of faith that you take. It isn't a manipulative effort to reward or punish spouse for their behavior. Most of us have found out the hard way that you cannot intentionally manipulate another person (H, children, co-workers, whoever) into a desired set of behaviors. It may work for a short period of time, but not long lasting. <P>Anyway, that is my spin on what it means. i am sure you will get LOTS of other opinions on this one! But it is a good question & made me think about things. <P>Take care...

D&C:<P>I'd tend to agree, but with a reservation or two.<P>I find the term <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>"Plan A"</A> one of the most misused on this forum. As the link says, Plan A and Plan B are for couples who are dealing with infidelity.<P>Plan A has a duration. So "permanent Plan A" is an oxymoron. It's not a good idea under Harley terms to ever be in "pure giver" mode, especially with a spouse who is in "pure taker" mode. Because however noble a "unconditional, giving" love is---it's usually not sustainable for a long term relationship. And what happens is that the person doing all the giving will be draining the old "love bank" and putting themselves in a position where they may be vulnerable to an affair (the "givers snapback" that Steve H. refers to).<P>For marriages not under the "direct" attack of infidelity, the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>"Four Rules"</A> are the basis for a good marriage. And these four rules must be practiced by both parties. Complete honesty is part of this---and you should be completely honest about how bad behavior affects you. You may choose to tolerate it for a while---but this tolerance should never be "silent". And Harley will recommend drastic measures such as confrontation and separation for continued bad behavior from spouses---it's just not usually the first line of approach (separation is only considered first for situations where there is a physical danger to the spouse).<P>Now, when your husband withdraws, you counteract with being "extra nice". Does that work for you??? Would he respond better than if you sat him down in a corner and said "Look buster---I need some support here. I want you to do X, Y, and Z---I'm willing to discuss and negotiate these, but if you continue with the silent treatment, I'm not sure what I'll do..." (OK---a couple lb's are there... )<P>Eventually, you have to take stock of what tools you have to "manipulate" your husband's behavior, and see which of those you can live with and which has the best effect. In general, people respond best when they love someone (so fill the lovebank by meeting needs and avoiding LB's), and the person is suggesting changes in a positive light (and is open to other suggestions).<P><p>[This message has been edited by K (edited July 19, 2000).]

The first time I talked to my 71 year old mother, married 53 years, about Plan A, she said, "Sweetie, I've always told you that you catch more flies with sugar than you do with vinegar." Now, I don't usually think of my husband as a big, ole fly... But, in some ways, Plan A & the the Rule of Care or Protection simply flow into each other.<P>I don't think it is manipulative to choose the best, or most positive way to commuicate & interact with your spouse. Certainly it doesn't always feel natural to me, but then I don't usually manage to avoid lovebusters all the time, I get angry. But I've seen my H walk out the door time and time again when confronted with my anger--obviously that isn't something that works to bring us into closer communication.<P>No where in Plan A does it say "become an agreeing dormat" and finding that line between positive interaction, manipulation, lovebusting or rolling belly up is not always easy.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

<B>Doesn't this kind of "permanent Plan A", if triggered by either an affair or some kind of outside threat that hasn't escalated to an affair yet, create a "positive reinforcement" to bad behavior?</B><BR>On the surface it may seem that way, but in reality Plan A is necessary to restablish the marriage relationship. By the time infidelity hits a marriage, both parties have lost focus on the marriage. Someone needs to create change in the marriage in order for it to heal. By creating that change using Plan A, you change your behaviors which will hopefully pull the wayward spouse back to the marriage. <P>Here's a quote from Harley :<B>"Remember, plan A is negotiating (without anger, disrespect or demands) to eliminate the annoying behavior or improve the meeting of emotional needs."</B><BR>So, I think Plan A is permanent. We need to do those things all the time. Plan B is used when Plan A isn't working. If Plan B works, we return to Plan A. <P>A permanent Plan A isn't rewarding bad behavior, it's reestablishing a loving marriage relationship. <P>SHA<P>------------------<BR>There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.