here i am again. i knew i would have more questions. so....my H left our home on Jan.9 of this year. he does not live with the OW, but does work with her. my question is...how long has it taken some of you in Plan A? i mean, is a year unheard of? at what point should i think it is time for Plan B? i know it's individual for each person, but when should i think it's time to change the game plan? my H comes over on wed. evenings to see me and the kids. he is also here from sat. evening til mon. morning, because i work weekend nights. i am so afraid he has gotten comfortable in this little routine and that it could go on forever.

sadwife...........<P>While my wife lives home, she still hasn't given up the OM. I've been working a Plan A since december 99 and after 8 months, I too started wondering the same thing. <P>I just had a session with Steve Harley who pointed out that I need to stay focused on the fact that Plan A is solely for my improvement and to make me a better person. Plan A is also an attempt to demonstrate to your spouse that you are capable of change (by consistency in meeting their EN's) and hopefully it will create an environment your spouse will feel comfortable returning to (or staying in) as they go through the pain of withdrawal from the OP. <P>He also said that I need to remember that I shouldn't view it as "If I do Plan A well then I'll get my spouse back". A well done Plan A can only serve as a catalyst that may influence your spouse to decide to return.<P>As far as when to implement a Plan B, Steve said that it could be implemented after a good Plan A in as little as a few months, after over a year or never; it's entirely up to the level of my patience and my tolerance of the situation. When it feels as though I'm about to loose what's left of my love for my wife, that's when Plan B should be implemented. He said I need to realize that my patience won't last forever regardless of how upbeat I think I am now and that I'll know when it's time.<P>Steve also restated that while most affairs end within six months of discovery and some go on as long as two years after discovery, a few affairs go on longer. Makes it tough to decide where my future may be going.<P>I told him I still have much love for my wife and that except for the existence of the affair in general and the lack of sex, specifically, she continues to be a wonderful wife and mother. I want to continue my Plan A for now and see how things go.<P>If you search on stories from Lostva, Lor(Lor), SamH and others, you will find Plan A's that went on for over a year and ultimately, their relationships were successful. Hopefully, their stories will give you the same encouragement they've given me.<P>As hard as I'm sure it is to raise your kids alone much of the time, I would encourage you not to give up on Plan A'ing yet. <P>Tom<p>[This message has been edited by TomH (edited July 19, 2000).]

Hi Sadwife,<P> Keep asking away.....!!! Anyway, how do YOU feel ? I could only keep up Plan A for 5mos. and even at that, probably should've gone to Plan B sooner. I felt like I was losing my mind and was getting angrier and angrier. Plan A according to Harley is not meant to go on "forever".....Have you thought of calling SteveH? He really helped me out and helped me get prepared for Plan B. LU

sad wife in Co. - I know how you feel. Lately I feel that my tolereance for plan A is lessening and my husband has returned home and is allegedly not involved with the OW. What bothers me is his coolness towards me. I wonder if I should have made returning home so easy? I am amazed at the people who can do Plan A for such long periods of time. Though I had much firmer resolve actually when my husband had left us to do anything to get him back. Now he's back and "Confused" and even though I know it's natural - it ticks me off. Keep posting - you get good advice here. That is what has kept me sane so far.

Tom,<P>your reply really helped me out. thank you for sharing information from your session with Dr. Harley....it clarified much for me. people scratch their heads at the fact that i haven't shoved a divorce ultimatum in my husband's face (though i gave him the option. he says it makes him feel "ill" to think about divorce. ????? so why isn't he here with me?) my H and i have been together for 23 years. that's alot of history as far as i am concerned. i don't want to call it quits before i know in my mind that i have done everything possible to turn this situation around. he is really "sitting on the fence". it would be one thing if the man didn't love or care for me, but he still does. i have that much in my favor. but my patience wears so thin some days i want to just give up. but i still love this idiotic, deluded man and won't give up without a fight. <P>i don't know how you do it, living with your wife, knowing the affair continues. how painful! as much as i hate being separated from my H, i am not sure i could stand the pain of knowing he was seeing OW while still living at home. we all do what we have to do i guess. i admire your dedication to your marriage.<P>i will check out the posts you referred me to. i know there is no guarantee the outcome will be what i want, but having support and encouragement from all of you on this board is a tremendous help. i wish you the best in your situation and hope your wife wakes up and smells the coffee SW

Lu, Quakermom,<P>i can see it is a very individual thing as far as how long to do Plan A. makes sense. i have to hope that i will know in my heart when it is time to go to Plan B.(if it gets to that point). though my H left in Jan., things were so bad between us then, we could hardly be around each other. it took about a month for me to calm down enough to stand being within two feet of him without having a break down. i called him every day at work (which i always had done anyway) and i know i was pathetic and begged alot. when he came over to the house, i couldn't control my emotions and would turn into a weeping mess. it's taken a while to be able to stop doing that. i was starting to implement Plan A behavior without even knowing it! <P>there are days when i am so angry at him, i just want to head to a lawyer and put an end to this. my love for this man sure has undergone alot of changes! if he should decide to return, the thought of all the work involved in rebuilding any trust for him scares me.<P>i am rambling. thank you all for your replies. i guess i just needed to hear that i am not nuts for hanging in this long. SW