My husband and I are separated. he doesn't want to be married right now. He left the OW 9/99 and its over. But he keeps coming over about once a week wanting to spend the night. I love him but I cant have sex with him if he will not make any kind of commitment of working things out. It hurts my heart too much and I fell used, is it wrong for me to turn him down?

This is something that is very personal to what your needs and beliefs are. Personally, I've always made love with my H while separated. I asked him last night (he's home now) if our sex life during the separation was good for our relationship or bad. He said it was good, part of why he loves me and wanted to come home.<P>But I have to say that I didn't feel like you do, I didn't feel used. I have friends who told me I should feel used, but I didn't feel that way. My marriage vows were intact, I am his wife, he is my husband--even if he wasn't keeping the vows.<P>With our first separation I had about 6 weeks of celibacy--mostly his choice--before we did make love again. I don't like celibacy, especially if my husband is available. So, much of the time, I have been the initiator. And I wanted to be the one meeting his need for sex--and I didn't want to find myself straying because of MY need.<P>You certainly have the right to say no. I promised myself if I ever felt bad about it, I wouldn't do it. We all have our own thoughts and issues about sex, mine are just different than yours. You might want to check out the discussion in the MB forum of Women's Bible Study Chapter 4 His Sexuality.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P><BR>

My wife won't have sex with me.<BR>She alludes to the fact that if we did she will "fall" for me again, and is affraid to give into her feelings. Fear that I'll bail on our marriage or go back to old Bill.<BR>I do know one thing, she knows I know all of her spots that get her motor going. OB wouldn't have a chance competing.<P>Damn I'm horney!<P>Sorry too much info I know.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Thank you Lor and Bill for responding to my post. Part of me wants to make love to my H because I need to show him how much I love him. Lor I agree with what your saying but I am afraid because he has left me twice so I know what Bills W means also. I want to protect my heart in case he doesnt come back. The more I make love to him the more I miss him and want him to come back.

Faythe - I had sex with my H when we were separated as well. At first it was just to fill the desire but I felt used afterwards. Sex was always an issue when we were married (I didn't know that it was a man's need as much as it is). I even agreed not to make issues about it during the separation and tried to just "go with the moment". The sex was not often but it did turn into 'making love'. Is he meeting any of your needs? Does he show that he wants to try? Is it just sex and that's it? How does he feel about it? I guess my number one question is: Are you two talking about it? I have learned so much with the whole communication thing.<BR>Don't know if this helps at all. Take care and take things slow if you are uncomfortable.<BR>Brynn

Faythe,<BR>We've been separated 6 times for a total of about 9 months, so I know about mulitple separations. My H felt sex "clouded the issue" meaning he realized how much he loved being with me--so why had he left...?

Sex ended up being the words I could not say. The words that my heart wanted to cry out, that my mind had to keep in check. Through very passionate love my W "felt" what I could not express through feeble words.<P>------------------<BR>1Co:2:4: And my speech and my preaching was not with enticing words of man's wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power:<BR>1Co:2:5: That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.<P>

My H also has ended relationship with OW, but doesn't know what he wants as far as our marriage goes. The OW "opened his eyes" to the problems we had. We have slowly grown closer since separating. Also, he has transferred out of town to another job, which is good because I believe his job played a major role in his depression. We see each other at least every two weeks by him coming here and I'm going there this weekend to see him. Our time together is wonderful and sex is a part of our time together. When first seperated, I felt used, but as time goes on I don't. <P>I won't keep this up forever, as I feel I'm "enabling" him not to have to make decisions, which has been a problem throughout our 25 years of marriage. At some point if he can't set a goal or at least acknowledge what direction we're headed towards, I will have to bow out for a while. But for now I enjoy our time and don't feel used by being available sexually.<P>

This is a fascinating discussion!<P>When my W announced her "mutual affection" with a "friend", she said she had mixed feelings but we would continue to have sex. <P>When I discovered the true nature of her EA and confronted her with it, she claimed she no longer had any feelings of love for me and didn't want to have sex. I still love her, but I am not going to force myself on her.<P>I am not going to judge anybody for how they handle this delicate issue. I would just suggest to the separated women that they should not delude themselves. If the only thing keeping your H attached to you is the sex, then I do think you are being used. Cut off the sex and see what happens.

Thank you to everyone. Sorry I havent responded sooner, but with Exams , PT job and my som I have little time. Also I am unsure of myself, untill yesterday I had never posted before. I want to make sure I post correctly.<P>brynn- We talked about it on Sunday. I told him that he should not expect me to fufill his needs if he would not meet any of mine. he will not even commit to trying to work things out. He said he understood and that it was wrong of him. I am very hurt becaus it seems the only reason he calls is to ask for something.<P>Janie- I understand what you mean when you say " enabling him" . Sometimes I thank that if he has everything that he wants but no commitment why should he come back?<P>2sadforwords- I may be thinking along with what you said. (although I am never sure what I think nowdays). I feel that he need to put something in my love bank before I can respond, at least to make me feel it is not only about sex.<P>Again I want to thing everyone for making me feel welcome. I feel like I know you from reading your posts the past few months, it just took awhile to get up enough courage.<P>faythe <P>