As of now, my H and I are living apart - largely because he has not yet agreed to cease contact with the OW. I know for a fact that my in-laws have been kept in the dark about H's affair, and that he is not about to tell them. However, my parents, who have spoken w/ my in-laws, have told me that I've been made out to be the "bad guy" in this situation. I don't want my relationship w/ my in-laws to distintegrate; I can understand that given their perceptions, they would think that I'm not doing "right" by their child. However, I feel that if they knew the truth, they would definitely understand. Whatever happens between my H and I, I want them to know that I am not to blame for this situation, and that I must stick to my guns on this. <P>Do I tell them my side of the story so that they will understand? Or do I keep this to myself? I have this feeling that if my H and I get back together, this separation will forever be held over my head by them, and I don't want there to be any bad blood between us.<P>What would you do in this situation?<P>belld

[QUOTE]Originally posted by belldandy:<BR><B>Whatever happens between my H and I, I want them to know that I am not to blame for this situation, and that I must stick to my guns on this.</B><P>I would say thart your need to "win" the blame game with his parents should be a much lower priority than your need to restore your marriage, and that contacting them to inform them of their son's infidelity will be a major lovebuster to him. Also, he may just lie his way out of it, or cast further aspersions about you, starting a destructive cycle. If you go down the road to divorce, you will have plenty of opportunity to straighten out the record with his parents. If you reconcile, your dirty laundry as a couple is best kept in the marriage.<P>The real question here is, what would the reaction of his parents be to such news? If they support him, you lose ground. If they condemn him, he may rethink his actions, but at the same time, will blame you for the rift in his relationship with his parents. <BR>

HI Belldandy,<P> I disagree with Mike.....I don't know if I would deliberately call them up and go on and on, but what is the matter with the truth? It can be said factually and they can take it anyway they want...especially if they ask questions about the separation.<P>Personally, I think affairs thrive since reality (parents knowing etc)is avoided in alot of cases. <P>I think it is one thing to not say anything about the affair if your H is still at home and working it out but since you are separated the truth is the truth......LU

Mike,<P>The problem is that due to H's affair, we don't really have the support we need from his parents. I have always felt that if they knew the situation, perhaps they would be more supportive of us - and of him, too. I don't want to do this to "out" him; I simply want to integrate our families.<P>My in-laws are also distressed that my parents are treating their son with such disdain. My parents have not said anything about the affair to them, however, they know how much it has affected me. Since they love me, naturally they are going to pin the blame on my H. <P>H's affair has caused great rifts in the relationships among all of our family members. I have been thinking about writing H's parents a very nice letter explaining my situation, telling them that I love their son very much and will do anything to retrieve the marriage. BUT ... these are the conditions I have set, and I wanted them to know that I was not being mean to their son for no reason. I also wanted to let them know that this affair is largely why my own parents have no respect for their son, and that I was working on changing their perceptions. Of course I would word the letter very neutrally, and not cast blame on any one person. I would take into consideration that my H has his own POV about this as well. I truly think that the more we clear the air with our families, the more support we will have, as a couple. Perhaps his parents would offer to pay for some of the counseling sessions. I have been paying for them, and my parents paid for a lot of them too. My parents are particularly jaded, because they spent more than $1000 in therapy, and all the while, H was cheating on me. H's parents and family are completely blind to how much they have helped us.<P>Perhaps if I told them my version of the truth, it might help them understand what kind of support their son needs. And no, Mike, I highly doubt that they would support their son having an affair. My MIL divorced my H's father because of his numerous affairs, and H's father (my FIL), has always beat himself up about his behavior. I know that he would hate to see it manifested in his own son. Perhaps they would give him guidance.<P>belld

This is tough...but I think as time goes on, it is quite likely that the truth of the situation will become apparent.<P>One thing we sometimes forget is that our parents & inlaws have lived a long time, seen situations, and are wise in ways that sometimes surprise us. <P>The very first time we were separated, and I didn't know about the affair, A LOT of people asked me "who is she/is he seeing someone else?" People tend to know that's the main reason for separation, even if the spouse doesn't have a clue. If you are being made to look like the bad guy...you AREN'T, trashing your H to his folks won't help much.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

Hi Bell dandy,<BR>That was one of the major mistakes that I made when I found out about my W's affair. A month after D-day, I didn't know where to turn, so I decided to tell my Parent-In-Law. The next thing I know, my W and her parent had a long talk. And my W told me "I will never forgive you on this". It was over between us. She told me from that day on I was no longer her husband as far as she see it. She was so angry with me until today. However, she is still their daughther and they are still her parent. Since then, my w still talks to her parent and stops by to see them. I still talk and stop by to see them too. We went to their house together most of the time.<P>That is my two cents.<P>OOOO

O & O:<P>A question ... how did you pose it to your parent-in-law? Were you blameful? Sad? Hostile? Did you let them know that you still loved their daughter and wanted to make it work? I don't want to cast blame. However, this is a very ugly deal. My in-laws are having to pay for my H's living expenses (he lost his job, largely due to the affair, but in-laws don't need to know that), and I am being blamed for it. This hasn't been a short term thing - this has been for a year now. Their hostility toward me grows and grows.<P>On the other hand, one of my H's aunts is very astute. She wrote me a very lovely letter letting me know that she was praying for us, and that while she had hoped that this wouldn't happen, knowing my H's history w/ women and exwife no. 1, she was not surprised. So I know that there are people in his family who understand. I think that having been cheated on in her own marriage, MIL would have to come to some realization that I have been very hurt by this ...<P>belld

Belldandy,<P>I was sad and angry that day. As a matter of fact, the day before I've learned that my W was lie to me about the whole true. She first told me they just hugged and kissed when they had lunch together, but she's never told me they slept together before. I learned about this through the tab phone. (I tabbed the phone for about a week after D-day). Anyway, I called them first and told them I had something to discuss with them. They told me to come over and talk. I went to their house and told them in a calm way that their daughter was having an affair. If they didn't believe me, they can ask her for themselves. It was a big sock for them, especially in our culture. To them, we are the perfect couple with two children. That thing would never happened. However, they supported me and had tried to talk to my W to stop her affair, but she did not listen to them at all. All she said to them was she loves OM, not me any more and she could not stop seeing him. My father-in-law was so angry with her that he told her not to call him DAD any more. They talked to each other now after she apologied to him about the yelling. But she still continue her affair for several months until now. I'm still in Plan A, I guess. We are still together for the kids'sake. No touching, no hugging, no kissing, and no *** for five months now.<P>Hope that help.<P>OOOO

I'm sorry belldandy I did not answer all question. Yes, I let them know that I still loved their daughter and wanted to make it work. I told them I forgave her from what she has done to me and was sorry if I drove her to do this.<P>OOOO

I would say that you should say nothing. If his aunt knows the score, it won't be long before others do too. Take the high ground here, keep your lip zipped and let the truth come out in its own time. I know it's hard to feel misjudged but in the end you will come out looking better.<P>Take care.

Belldandy:<P>I was just in this situation. Last week is when everything broke out about my H. She was paging him in the morning and he told me "NOPE" he didn't want to make it work. He called me pathetic that morning. This was last Monday after he came back from being gone all weekend. After he went to work that morning I checked his bag and his shirt smelled like a hotel room. I also found a condom in his bag. THAT WAS IT! <P>I had a very good relationship with H Mother and had been talking to her over the past 2 weeks about everything that was going on in our relationship. That morning I called her to tell her that her son's clothes were going to be out. I couldn't take it anymore. This lady loved me and was ALWAYS so Sweet to me. I even told her that I found the condom. <P>I put my H clothes outside that night. And, he moved in with his Mom and Dad. <P>The weekend after he left, I called his Mom to see if I could come get my lamps that were stored in their basement until we moved into our new house. She first told me yes. Then she called back and said that her H said I should wait until my H was there. She was very harsh to me and said "You two have issues and as far as I am concerned none of this should be happening." Meaning I shouldn't have put his clothes out.<P>This is hurting me SOOO bad. I loved these people and I thought the loved me. I know he is there son and their baby. BUT...<P>I am not to blame for this whole mess.<P>The next Monday I sent his Mom and e-mail - very nice. Didn't bring up OW and told her that I loved her and her family and I loved her son very much and I didn't want this to happen. Told her that I wanted our marriage to work but he didn't want to try. Told her that maybe in time, he would realize. I was too nice. I saw that she read the e-mail, but she never responded to me. She has hurt my feelings very badly.<P>I can sympathize. But all I can say is that I sent the e-mail and it made me feel better. I did what I needed to and now it is on her. So I would suggest for you to go ahead and write the letter. It will make you feel better.<P>Good luck -- MK

Hi Belldandy,<P>What I firmly believe and trust is that sooner or later the Truth comes out. It has happened to me time and time again ... I'll keep it to myself or not have the opportunity to tell someone how things really happened or transpired and then later on down the road the Truth comes out and they realize it wasn't as they perceived.<P>It was probably very hard for your parents not to jump in and defend you by telling your In-laws about your H's A. They are good, strong people.<P>I think you should leave it to God for now.<P>In my case the OW blew the lid open to my SILs, she called one of them outta the blue and introduced herself as my H's girlfriend, and he and I were not separated (woman has Elephant Balls). After that I shared the gorey details w/them at their request.<P>Do what your gut and heart tell you is right. That way, no regrets.<P>God Bless,<BR>Jo

Hi BD. I'm Rhiannon on DRB by the way, that name was taken here. Anyway, my Hs family is wonderful and I am very close to them. I never told my parents or his about the affair. Knowing about the separation was painful enough for them. They did ask if he was seeing someone else. Of course I didn't know for sure until it was over anyway. His Mom was so upset, she did not raise her son to abandon his wife (especially when we found out I was pregnant). Of course the creature that took over during H's affair wasn't her son, he wasn't anyone any of us knew! She said if he is having an affair that *$#$#$$* (mostly in Italian) will never set foot in my door as long as I'm still alive! H mostly made himself scarce to his family (wonder why) and of course denied an affair to everyone. I told his sister and her H and they were NOT happy with him. She definitely wouldn't have ever been welcomed in that house. My sister in law has very strong feelings about certain things and infidelity is one of them. He never did ask me who I told or who knows. I'm sure he hopes I told no one, knows I told at least afew people and would rather just forget the whole thing! If his family had been blaming me though I probably would have told. If we had gotten divorced I wpould have taken out a full page ad in the Sunday paper and let EVERYONE know lol! All bets would have been off by then.

fairydust/rhiannon,<P>So glad to see you here! You are very lucky to have supportive in-laws as you do. There has been much support for me in some of my H's family, however, others have either blamed me or stuck their head in the sand. Right now, my in-laws are blaming me because they have to pay for H's living expenses, because I will not allow him back in the house. But they don't know *why* he cannot come back home. We used to have a good relationship prior to H's affair, and they were very supportive. However, ever since H moved out and in with the OW, I have been cast as this demon from h*ll. My mother, who spoke with my MIL, told me some of the things that H told her during this time. All Lies. I'm sure you know how it goes. So she is VERY misinformed. H is her only child, and she thinks that I am the one behaving appallingly. The last time we spoke on the phone, I told her that I thought that H was having an affair, and I asked her what I should do. She sort of sounded very sad and distant and told me that if that were the case, maybe I should stick to my initial plan of moving out of state. I could tell that she sort of knew ... and yet, she didn't want to face the truth. Anyone who says anything that disparages her son is persona non grata. She has always been blind to his deeds, and in particular, his lies. She is *so* easy to lie to (seen H in action), it's almost pathetic. She believes anything he tells her as gospel. <P>My mother, on the other hand, would have been kicking my booty up one side and down the other, had I had an affair. My dad would have disowned me. I guess that's the difference in our families. Mine have always adhered to traditional, Biblical principles, whereas, H's have not been very traditional at all.<P>Thanks so much for your input. I am writing the letter right now as we speak. Of course, I would give H a copy of it, because I don't want to keep these things a secret from him. The letter I have written is very nice and congenial, and emphasizes that I love their son very much, BUT - you need to know that this is why he is not living at home.<P>They have the right to know that. They are paying his way right now. Perhaps if they knew the truth, they would exert some parental influence on him. Who knows?<P>belld

I think the letter sounds like a good idea BD. My MIL actually wrote H a letter during the separation aobut how you just don't walk out on your family without discussing your problems, lots of people at some point in time feel like walking out on responsibilities but that doesn't mean you actually do it etc. She didn't tell me until after she mailed it and she was very nervous. She was afraid of making things worse between us. She was also afraid of alienating H but said she couldn't stand by and let him screw things up so badly without saying anything. I love my H's family. He is also much closer to them now than he ever was before. Strange isn't it? I think a carefully thought out letter in your case is the best idea. It seems like right now they are pretty much in the dark.

rhiannon,<P>Would you mind ... er ... this is difficult to say. Would you mind reading the letter I've written thus far and seeing what you think about it? Which parts should stay and which should go? My email is: belldandy112@yahoo.com<P>belld