Wow, I just read your thread from start to finish since I've been away!<P>I thought there were a couple of things that did not come through very clearly and hope I can help.<P>Trying to discover the right thing to do (morally) is important, but I think there is more to this:<P>I read somewhere in Harley that I had to decide if I could have a wonderful marriage with my h, would I want it? Not just is it right, good for the kids, but best for ME?<P>I decided it was, and that kept me going...<P>But aside from the marriage, what is best for you, Missy?<P>Like it or not, we carry a big sign that says VULNERABLE.<P>Even aside from your marriage, I want to ask, is this guy someone you would consider marrying?<P>I think many on that thread were trying to warn you that it's not that you don't deserve to be happy - you do. But you may be playing with fire. We all draw the line in different places.<P>My h did go after the OW, this was no friendship. Still he thought he could have sex, get her to fall in-love, and walk away unscathed. Our psyches don't work that way. He fell in-love in the process, even though he was only trying to use her.<P>EVEN IF you both understand "the rules", our emotions have a way of running away. There is always a risk one of you may "fall in-love" and get hurt in the process. Maybe it will be him, maybe you.<P>I have avoided male friendships because I feel very vulnerable. And it's not just about whether we would end up in bed. I differ there from F A. As we have seen so many times on this board, we can have inappropriate feelings for others outside the marriage with no sexual contact.<P>As I said, it's just the way our psyches are. I hope I made sense. You have to decide what you will do. No one is going to tell you what to do. But I wanted to clarify what I see as the dangers in having a male friendship at this point. I truly believe they outweigh the possible benefits.<P>So, it's not for your h, it's for you. You may be choosing a short-term benefit that could have a very high long-term price tag.<P>Someone on the other thread reacted negatively to the comparison of a BS dating and the WS having an affair. I don't think it falls in the same category morally at all.<P>But both involve what I said about the high long-term price tag. And not just to your marriage. TO YOU. If your marriage doesn't work, what do you want? I think to rebuild your self-image and maybe meet a man later, but FROM A POSITION OF STRENGTH.<P>When you are no longer feeling vulnerable, when you are truly available and can think clearly.

Very good post Schizzo!<P>I think you've taken Missy's very long threaded post and encapsulated it into some thoughtful and informed sentences.<P>Thank you and God Bless,<BR>Jo

<BR> Exactly Schizzo!!! ....very well said....LU

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by schizzo:<BR>Someone on the other thread reacted negatively to the comparison of a BS dating and the WS having an affair. I don't think it falls in the same category morally at all.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Schizzo~<BR>Not intending to hijack the thread (popular pasttime lately!!) but would you clarify this aspect of your position, please?<P><p>[This message has been edited by dragantraces (edited July 21, 2000).]

Resilient and LU, thank-you.<P>Dragantraces, I would be glad to, but how? I would have to guess unless you asked specifically.

Schizzo- Thanks for your post. Would my life be better if my marriage was back on track and My h was a part of my life again? I would think so. It would so tough. A hard fight. I am however a fierce competitor and I give it my all. <P>When I started that post, I wanted the opinion of others. DO I consider this OM marriage material??????? Honestly, I dont know him enough to make a decision like that. He is a person that has gone thru the pain of a divorce a few years ago. He has lived thru the pain. He genuinely seems to be a very caring person with the same morals and values I always wanted in a person.<P>Now, the man I married had all those qualities as well. He was perfect in my eyes. I thought I struck gold when I married him. He knows I felt that way about him. I often felt that he cherished me as well. <P>All of those feeling changed the day he met this OW. I think she has this incredible sexual hold over him. She sent his mind spinning,. I honestly believe it all began as sexual in nature and then he just fell in love. I believe him when he tells me he never went searching for it. IT just happened. <P>My position as it stands today is that I have done so much to fight for my marriage but h appears to not want any part of it. I am at a loss. <P>Our relationship has gone so far down hill that we only communicate thru e mail at present time. Again this is because I feel much better when I don't have to talk to or see him. <P>He is not the man I married. He is the man the OW has created. I do not like that man. <P>I want my h back not this present guy. I am afraid my h is to far gone to find his way back and unfortunately, he had to do this all on his own. <P>I am just not sure I can't wait around for this to happen.<P>Thanks again for your thoughts