When trust is replaced with mistrust I ask how much checking up on your cheating spouse do you do? I confess I went through my wife's purse one time and found long distance calling cards, a business card from a divorce attorney, etc. Is it acceptable to check up on them or is there a line that shouldn't be crossed?

Jeremy,<P>We all have a hard time with that line.. and looking in a wallet is pretty tame compared to some stories here.<P>I tried to quit looking because it mostly hurt me and made me want o confront him with it, but I will confess to going back to looking to try and figure out what he is thinking.<BR>Lora

Before I start snooping I ask myself a few questions.<BR>1) What will I really learn if I find (fill in the blank)?<BR>2) What will I do with the new "fact"?<BR>3) If I think that what I find means that he is working on coming back to the marriage or that he and OW are having problems, does it really matter if the committment, conversation and effort on his part are not there still (or not enough to make me feel alright enought to not be snooping in the first place)?<BR>Hope that last one makes sense - it is the most important. HE is the one that has to show me that he is ready to work on us - or it is still not good enough for me! Iam4us

when snooping I didn't yet know much (and wouldn't for another 15 months) and it was just that inner knowing that something wasn't right. I have had that discernment on several occassions and never been wrong to this point. I hate being that way but mistrust certainly breeds this reaction

How much snooping is really "snooping" between spouses? In my marriage, my H made no distinction between what was his and what was mine. I felt there needed to be some sacred space, but he didn't even see the big deal about his coming into the bathroom if I was in there! He said that we were one so what was the big deal? Everything was open to scruntiny by either party if either cared to look, so I didn't. <P>Never thought there was a need to until he confessed his affair! Once I started looking, there was all kinds of stuff "hidden" right underneath my nose.<P>Anyway, I think there are two separate issues. First, are spouses entitled to privacy, and if so, how much? Second, it is alright to invade that?<P>My feeling is that if you are married, you should share everything. It creates trust and security. Your thoughts and private conversations with your best friend or mom and your bathroom time should be about all the privacy you should want or be entitled to. Once there is separation and ownership of things, it breeds more separation in other things. <P>Just my opinion. <P>So snoop on! Just think about what you are looking for and what you think you are going to do with what you find.

If I hadn't checked my H's corp. credit card bills, cell phone bills, cell phone received calls or gone through his briefcase, I would have never really uncovered the truth.<P>I knew there was something wrong, but without proof he was in total denial. He actually didn't admit to the affair until I discovered a secret email account and luckily guessed the password. It was there in black and white. If he was never forced to admit, I don't think he would ever have admitted it and would have continued his lie. In his mind, if I didn't know about it, it was ok. The longer i didn't know, the longer it went on.<P>So if trust isn't there yet, ASK for your spouse to share information. If there's something more to look at, then look until you feel like you can trust again. Otherwise you'll still have doubts.<P>I've gotten to a point where I stop checking his email and voice mail. He knows I do it and told the OW when the ended it, that I now had access. If they are communicating, it won't be where I can find it. I'm sure of that. <P>Sometimes you can get obsessed with snooping. It takes a lot of time, brings on bad feelings just anticipating finding something wrong -- and many times results in nothing. For the most part, if he/she wants to continue the affair, they will.<P>So, to sum it up, snoop a little if you must. Nothing should be a secret. If it helps you trust more, then great. But the need for it should diminish if you're both really trying to rebuild.

I have to say that once your spouse admits to an affair any kind of snooping is acceptable in my book, otherwise you just continue to suspect and never learn to trust again. You have the knowledge of the life around you and you have to use that knowledge in a good way. Yes, snooping is ok, it's even good. It keeps me and my H on our toes! !<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!