A word of warning--this is a depressing post, sorry. If you're already discouraged, please don't read this. I'm pouring my heart and soul out, just so you know.<P>I've been doing SO well. Now, it's hitting, that awful WITHDRAWAL. (It's been 4 weeks since ending contact w/OM). I'm feeling sooo empty right now, depressed etc. I miss OM very badly tonight. I know many of you don't want to hear that, but I do. I need my H very badly right now, and he's working. He can't come home. I need him so much more than he can even give sometimes. <P>Guys, I'm SO tired of going through this. I'm crying my eyes out as I type this. Why is this so difficult? Why does this affect me this way? I can't believe I ever put myself in this situation, and still struggle w/this b.s. I hate feeling this way. It's totally ridiculous.<P>The only positive thing I can say right now is that at least I know what it is I'm going through. You don't know how badly I want to just talk to OM, but I know the consequences. At least I'm not that stupid, but came really close, so I decided to get my rear here on MB. Sometimes it's my only life line. I've been sitting her all alone tonight, bargaining w/myself. Do I dare call OM? Just out of the blue, just to please myself for a couple hours? I DON'T THINK SO!! Tomorrow my H is home all day, then he has to work again tomorrow night. I don't want to start putting that "object" or whatever you call it, between us again. I love him so much. That's why I know better than to even think about the OM. <P>This reminds of this song by Jennifer Day called "What If It's Me". It's a beautiful, but somewhat depressing song. BS's beware, it's a difficult one. These are some of the lyrics:<P>"I'm shaking I'm so afraid. Your heart is light years away. And you're just staring through me, looking for more. What do you see....<P>Just over there the grass is so green and out of your reach lay all of your dreams, you're looking to find your destiny...but what if it's me...<P>Who was the one all along, the greatest thing you did wrong? You've gotta see for yourself, if there's somebody else...<P>Just over there the grass is so green and out of your reach lay all of your dreams, <BR>the love of your life, your destiny...but what if it's me........" <P>(I warned you!) There's more to it, but that's most of it. Since the first time I heard this song, it's touched a place in my heart and soul. It really reminds me of how very stupid I was (and am for even missing the jerk) for ever hurting my H. It's as if those were/are my H's words to me. (As well as mine to him). It's kinda like a mirror for me, me thinking the "grass was greener on the other side". I now know it's not, I'm just dealing w/the aftermath. <P>I knew the withdrawal would hit sooner or later, but sometimes you forget how absolutely horrible it is. I don't think it would be so bad if my H was home. I hate being alone. <P>I know, some of you are saying, "Just get over it." And I am, I'm honestly doing MUCH better than I ever have before. I just had to get this off my chest. Posting this keeps me from calling OM. It puts my mind back into perspective and reality, instead of crying and feeling sorry for myself. <P>I just wanted to hear some encouragement from you guys. Especially those of you who've gotten to know me best. I can get through it this time, I know I will. I see the BIG picture and the future. I'm not going to ruin my life w/my H and family. I just get out of sorts, sometimes.<P>This is hell, and I'd like to get it over w/someday. My biggest question is, does it ever end for good, no more hurt, completely over, period, end of story? Is this honestly something that will end? I'm trying to be patient, but it has taken SO much time. A lot of my problem is that I think deep down I'm missing something, and I'm searching everywhere to find it. (Kinda like your post, Lighthouse.) <P>Sorry and thank you. It really has helped to get this out. Now maybe I can go to sleep. Or maybe I'll wait until 3 am for my H to get home!! <P>I don't mean to discourage anyone by this, so I'm really sorry if I have.<P>Thank you.

Momma, Want to let you know that I am a betrayed spouse. Please just be patient with yourself. Sometimes we get lonely and look for the other person to give us gratification and justify ourselves. That is not true. My husband retired from the military in September and has taken another job. He works long hard hours and sometimes I get frustrated by this. He had an affair that lasted three months with a neighbor or mine and justified it by all the reasons that you have. I am the one person that has loved him unconditionally without regard for who he was and is but just because he is who he is. I know that sometimes life can be lonely, he was deployed most of our married life. Please hang in there I can only imagine how you must feel especially when the OM gave you everything that you needed. But do you truly believe in your heart that it was all that you needed. My husband also believed that the OW would also fufill his desires, needs and wants until she told him, after I found them out that she had her whole life in front of her and she pretty much told him that he was all set because you have been married so long your wife will forgive you and you have no problems. I know that my husband was devestated by this but will not admit that he had deep feelings for this person. I felt really bad for him because I thought how awful it must be to have such feelings for another person but when push came to shove that other person could care less. She was also 20 years younger than him. But my message here is this, there is no one who loves you more than your spouse, believe it or not, we have stuck it out and fought for our marriages, etc. If we did not love you would we still be here, I think not. I truly love my husband, not sure he truly loves me, maybe loves me in a matronly way like a mother, nother show. But please try to give your husband some time, love him, trust him, believe in his love for you and before you know it your feelings for this other person will fade because he does not feel for you as you do for him. These words are just my feelings and thoughts, trust in yourself and give to your spouse what you want to give to the other person. You will thank yourself for all that you give. You will be proud of yourself believe me.

I think there is enough pain on both sides of infidelity that we can all understand the crushing pain.<P>I'm a betrayed spouse, but I can remember the feeling that I could not stand the pain one more minute...kind of like labor. Even when the woman giving birth says "that's it, I'm not going to do this" the birthing process goes on.<P>Sometimes we really do have to live through the pain moment by moment.<P>Does it ever stop? I honestly don't know. I do know I have grown in ways I may not have if it were not for this challenge. <P>It is all part of a larger picture. But for now we must muddle through best we can.<P>I hope you feel better in the morning.

Thank you, peaceful_4!<P>I totally agree w/you and thank you so much for your kind words. It means so much to me.<P><BR>F,L,H--I think you're right, too. We do have to live through the pain, moment by moment. Maybe that's what makes us stronger, it's definitely what makes us stronger. I know it definitely tests my faith, will power, and "trustability". If I can't trust me, how can my H? Yet, he does. Because like me, my H knows I belong w/him. He knows that I love him, even though I've been stupid. He knows what our future holds.<BR> <BR>I'd bet I'll feel much better in the morning, especially since my H will be home! Sometimes, I just feel like a little kid who needs so much attention. I don't want to overwhelm my H w/that, but he knows when I need it, too.<P>Thank you both for your kind remarks.

Momma:<P>You don't think the betrayed spouses can understand, but we do. The hurt is just a different side of the same coin...but it still hurts just the same...maybe even a little harder because you must live with the fact that you yourself are the instrument of its inception and also it's demise. <P>But remember the ties that bind you to your H are strong, not easily broken or cut...but they're soft ties, wrapped with loving care, to keep you safe till he returns.<P>The ties that bind you to OM are tangled around you like a choking vine, pulling at you with strong tugs, but they may just strangle you in the attempt to pull you away.<BR> <BR>I'm only saying that the knowledge of what is best is within you and you have only to call it forth to help you. I think you are making a supreme effort and applaud how strong you are trying to be.<P>Buffy

momma,<P>It is good you came here to pour out your heart - and didn't give in to a temporary filling of that empty feeling inside you. You are recognizing the affair relationship for what it was - a filling of a void within. And you don't want to keep going back to that temporary filling place because it is destructive - good for you! You have grown so much!<P>But KNOWING all that in your head - the feelings still pull, don't they? I know exactly how you feel - I've been feeling that way, too, the last few days. With all we realize and know to be true, why don't our hearts just cooperate and get in line with our thinking? It amazes me.<P>It is hard to be home alone in the evening without your spouse. I am home alone (with children) tonight also (for same reasons - work). Makes it so hard. I've been feeling as you. I am starting to ask myself, "where does this empty feeling really come from?" "What am I really trying to fill"? I think it was Delilah that mentioned that an affair is really an escape and I think there is a lot of truth to that. But what an "expensive" escape - isn't it? One you have to pay dearly for later (as in now, for us). Try to find out the real reason for your emptiness.<P>Be strong. Withdrawal is hard - and seems to get harder before it gets easier. I know, it is the same for me. I wonder too (with fear and trembling) - how long will this last? Will it be a lifelong battle? I don't think the strong pull will always be there, but we must always stay strong.<P>Run to God in your times of loneliness. Maybe it is He that is calling you. That is what I've been doing.<P>Hang in there, mommma. I'm proud of you! It is when we stand firm in the fiery trials (as you are having tonight) that we experience real victory. Glad you came here to share. You will get through this!

Momma -<P>I knew something was up . . .Sorry I didn't see your post sooner. You and I both know how hard it is to put the feelings for the OM behind us. I think it's like one day, I have a perfect day with my H - everything is great and I start to feel "in love." Then the very next day, I wonder what the OM is doing - hoping that I can run into him. It's a constant pull in two different directions.<P>You know that I went through a very similar stage two weeks ago - and who was it who told me not to contact the OM, you will work things out with you H?? YOU. Yeah, that was two weeks ago, and you're not sure today.<P>The only thing you can do is take one day at a time. Last night my H had to do work, so I was put on the back burner, too. Then I start to question - do I really want this?<P>I think the problem is not that you don't love your husband, it's not even that you think you love the OM, I think it's just that you and your H haven't been able to spend the time together that you would like to get over this mess.<P>We all know it takes time to get through this mess and I know you don't want to keep hearing that. I just wanted to encourage you to continue to take one day at a time. When your H isn't around - or is working - and you start to think of the OM - why not write your husband a love letter? I did that a couple of times, and it really helped - it made my H feel good, and it helped me to reaffirm my feelings for him.<P>When you're alone, why not try to keep a journal of your feelings. I thought about doing this, but never put pen to paper. The love letter thing worked for me in deperate times. <P>Yesterday, at work, I got another urge to talk to the OM - so at lunch I went out and bought my H a tie. Weird? Maybe, but the week before, I made him feel guily about leaving me to go shopping for ties - so he gave into my "guilt trip" and stayed home. Anyway, my point is, I focused on my H - even though he wasn't there and I couldn't talk to him. When I got home, I gave him the tie - and he was very happy, but then I told him that I had another "sad day."<P>That's our code words for "Hey, I'm not feeling so great today about things."<P>You know, you've become a very good friend to me. I havent' checked email this morning, but I'll go there right away.<P>I don't think anyone has a cure-all for this thing. Just try to perservere. . .You love your H, you love your family, the fleeting thoughts of the OM - are just that fleeting thoughts. Don't doubt what real love is - real love is what you and your H have built together.<P>I think the OM gave you everything you wanted - especially security. He offers something good, something that you may need right now, but don't look for that in him - look for that in your H. <P><BR>I know your OM is older - maybe that's why you feel safe with him, that he can take care of you. Temptation is enticement to do something bad, while promising something good and pleasant. Please don't let yourself give into temptation. Maybe you can talk to your H about his job, maybe you two can work things out so that he can spend more time with you - more quality time.<P>You know I'll be thinking of you. So, let me know what's going on. You'll be okay. My feelings for the OM are slowly disappearing, but I know I could have a bad day right around the corner. Just don't do anything that you might regret - talk to your H - work things out with him first. You also have a stronger tie to your OM than I did - so maybe that's why it's hard to get past those feelings for him. I think you can do it - in fact I know you can do it - I just think it will be a lot harder for you than me - but it can happen.<P>When you wake up in the morning, you can choose to think about your H, be happy, or you can choose to think about the OM - I know sometimes those thoughts just slip in there - but it's just the dangling carrot of temptation. Don't follow it - it will just get you into more trouble.<P>You can get through this, and we're here to support you. You know, I never had a sister, but I kind of feel like your my little sister. I hate to see you hurting right now, but it can get better!! Take care of yourself!!

Hi Momma...<BR>My heart aches for you in your pain. I so understand the up and down, back and forth roller coaster we're on. It hurts so deeply. Know you are not alone. Many of us are sharing in this same painful place you are in. Please, whatever you do, don't contact OM. You know you will regret it and it only makes the getting through moments that much tougher, for each contact means we start all over again. <P>My H and I are in full-fledged counseling. A lot of difficult work, but so necessary. It's painful, but I know my no contact rule must be my first priorty to reestablish the trust I so annialated in our marriage. <P>Momma, please stay in touch. There will be periods of deep loneliness and longing...but that is God asking you to draw closer to Him. The OM cannot fill that void, no matter how much you miss him. He can only cause more pain and destruction. You and your husband have come so far....stay the course! <P>I don't know if you've contacted Marnie or not, but she has assured me that it gets tougher before it gets easier. Remember, she's been through this many times and is truly and expert in this field. I can't wait for her book to come out, but until then, lean on those of us who are suffering in the same place you are. <P>I couldn't have made it without some of my dear friends on this forum. <P>Praying for you...<BR>Love, Wings.

Thank you, all my wonderful friends!<P>This is exactly why I come here, because I know that you all will give me wise words of encouragement. <P><BR><B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>But remember the ties that bind you to your H are strong, not easily broken or cut...but they're soft ties, wrapped with loving care, to keep you safe till he returns.<P>The ties that bind you to OM are tangled around you like a choking vine, pulling at you with strong tugs, but they may just strangle you in the attempt to pull you away.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><B>Buffy</B>, you are <B>so</B> right! You really made me think about this one. I never thought of it that way! It makes so much sense. Thanks for you understanding and kind words. It never ceases to amaze me the compassion a BS can have. <P><BR><B>Sifted</B>, thanks once again for your understanding. I know you fight this, too, and I thank you for offering me so much strength! I am running to God, too, Sifted. I does make a difference, but it doesn't take the pain away. I need to get to where I'm closer to God, so that the emptiness can be filled. I'm not always sure how to do that (get closer to God). Maybe I need to focus more on that and not so much on everything else.<P><BR><B>SKM</B>, I'm so glad you bought your H a tie! What a wonderful way to make it up to him! See, you're full of bright ideas! Just wanted to tell you that you're right as usual! I totally agree w/what you said. Thank you for remembering my encouragements to you! That's what keeps me going. <P><B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>When you wake up in the morning, you can choose to think about your H, be happy, or you can choose to think about the OM - I know sometimes those thoughts just slip in there - but it's just the dangling carrot of temptation. Don't follow it - it will just get you into more trouble.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>I most definitely agree w/this comment. That's where the mind over matter thing comes in, just as I have said over and over, I can choose to be miserable or I can choose to be happy. It's a matter of attitude. What do I want to do be? Happy or sad? Married or divorced? Positive or negative? The answers are obvious, so why the questions? I guess that's just a matter of the whole crappy situation. <P>But, I can make the decisions from here on out. It's in my control (what I do or don't do). I am going to be the one to make the right decisions for me. I remember a while back, Just Learning said if I kept up these thoughts or actions (w/OM), the choice wouldn't be mine much longer--refering to my H making the choice to leave me if I ever was w/OM again. He's right. Right now, I can choose who I want to be with. I want to be w/my H, so I'm not going to screw it up. I don't want my H to ever hurt me like that again, so why would I want to hurt him, either? These are the thoughts that keep me focused.<P>SKM, thank you for being my "big sis"!! (I've never had a big sister before! I'm the oldest!)<P><BR>Hi, <B>Wings</B>! It's so good to hear from you! I miss you! Thank you so much for listening, once again! Heaven knows you've read enough whining from me! Thank you for being w/me through the ups and downs. You are wonderful! I hope you and your H are doing great! I look forward to getting some e-mail from you! <P><BR><B>My friends</B>, you all keep me going through this circus show (sometimes freak show!) we call life! If it weren't for your kind words, understanding, compassion, and strength, I probably wouldn't be doing as well as I am. I have those minor set backs, but they are just that, minor. Nothing I can't handle and nothing I can't get through, thanks to all of you. I love how we can strengthen and encourage each other. If you're down, I can pick you up, just as you guys pick me up. What a wonderful "buddy system"! A few months ago, I would have been running to OM instead of to my H or to you all. When I can't talk to my H, I come talk to you! You've honestly gotten me through many tough times, not with actions, but with words. I love you all! I thank you w/all my heart!<P>Guess I'd better get to bed, if I'm going to get up and go to church in the am.!!<P>God bless all of you!<p>[This message has been edited by momma (edited July 23, 2000).]

Hi momma<P>I just now read this. It sounds like you got past that particular rough spot. Good for you! <P>I know how that pull can be. I've been having thoughts of the OM, too, and I've been trying to look at the whole thing objectiovely. When I start remembering the feelings, I try to also remember something about the relationships that would have made it a bad one. It's hard to see those things but they are there. <P>Keep hanging on. You'll get through it. There will be more rough spots but each one will get shorter if you stick with the no contact rule.