Hi all!<P>I've held off with this update because I've been suffering from PMS, which REALLY makes me depressed and therefore often depressING, but there are some things I wanted to post about that I am afraid I will "lose" the detail of if I wait too long.<P>That said: since I last posted to my update thread, I have gone on vacation. Haven't got any money, so I'm not going anywhere, but I've tried to accomplish some things at home and do some relaxing and enjoyable things. This past week I did a tune up on my car (yep, I really did it myself - spark plugs, wires, distributor cap, rotor, air filter - greasy fingers ... the works!). I have also done a little bit of cleaning here and there around the apartment, spent some time with a friend, worked a lot on some things I am doing to start my own web design business, went to the driving range with my husband and found out I remember how to hit a golf ball.<P>Yes, I did say I went with my husband. Plan A to the max right before Plan B... I had asked him a few questions about my car over the weekend when I was working on it, and we had talked for almost half an hour about his job, and I mentioned to him that I would be on vacation this week and next - for him to give me a call if he wanted to go to the driving range or golfing or something. He said at that point, "I think I might go." Which didn't really mean much to me, considering he did not mention ME in that sentence! Another day I had stopped by the pizza place where he works just to get something to eat - it was the day I did the tune up on the car - and I asked him if he knew if a certain driving range was open, as I hadn't seen any activity near it. His reply was that he didn't know, but that he didn't want to go there, he wanted to go to XXXX. The way it was said, it seemed as though there was an "unspoken" 'when WE go' incorporated into the statement.<P>Yet, I didn't want to hope, and tried to downplay the possibility that he might actually call me. So, I was very surprised when the phone rang at noontime on Wednesday and my caller ID indicated it was him, calling from home (usually he calls me from work). He asked me what I was doing and then said he wanted to know if I wanted to go to the driving range for a while that afternoon. Of course, I said yes, although I did make a point of letting him know that I had originally had plans for sunbathing by his boss's pool - except the day was cloudy and cool so I had decided not to do that. I offered for us to take my car, but he declined, saying he had some errands to run and he would meet me there. It was a different place than the XXXX he had indicated above - closer, which made sense because he had to work at 4pm that day.<P>I had a very nice time. He helped me with my backswing and my grip and my stance, and we talked mostly about golf. When he went back to hitting his own golf balls, I managed to screw up a few shots, so he came back over to see if he could help me again. I laughed and remarked that it seems like I do better when he is watching. Overall, it would have been kind of a nice 'date' if he hadn't been my husband. Well, even if he IS my husband, too - I really mean that it was like a fun daytime date.<P>Before we left, he gave me some money (he knows I have been having financial difficulties and that there are things I want to purchase for my business start up that I haven't been able to afford to buy). I thanked him and then we both drove back toward our home town. I have to admit, I deliberately stopped at the pizza place - where he was just going to work - because I wanted other people to know we had spent time together that day. He certainly didn't seem to want to hide that from the people he works with ... but then, most of them won't talk to slug unless they HAVE to.<P>I have no illusions that he is "seeing the light" or any such thing. He has settled into this role of "caring friend" and I believe he thinks that I will accept that. I plan to remind him by my occasional presence this weekend and next week of how much he enjoys seeing me and talking with me. And then I will go to Plan B, while it is still fresh in his mind.<P>Oddly enough, I have been dreaming about him regularly throughout this week. During this entire separation up to now (over 18 months), I have had approximately two or three nightmarish types of dreams about him. But this week, I've dreamed about him every single night. I don't remember the details of most of them, but the 'theme' of the first one, over last weekend, was "how can he care so much about me and about what happens to me and not see that our marriage deserves a second chance?" I know that I have had other dreams, but don't remember anything except they were positive, and they were about him... except for the dream I had Friday morning just before getting up. It is pretty hazy, but in the dream we were talking and he asked me a few questions which made it seem like he was thinking about reconciliation. When I asked him in the dream why he was asking me these things, he said something that sounded like he was thinking about reconciliation. I woke up just after initiating a kiss which deepened (in the dream, of course) past the friendly 'peck' he used to let me give him...<P>I don't know why I am suddenly, after all this time, dreaming of him, and why the dreams are so strongly *positive.* I'd love to say that I regularly have prophetic dreams, but that would be fibbing. I'd love to believe it is because I have seen something in him that indicates he is leaning that way, but if I have it is completely sub-conscious. I suppose I could peg it to simply "wishful thinking" - but I must say I rarely, if ever, dream about things that I WANT to happen.<P>As for my job ... no word yet on the whole grievance arbitration issue. Our esteemed administration has been budget cutting by not replacing retiring personnel or by combining jobs of late. I am extremely concerned about what might happen there, and it is very stressful. I should hear something from the arbitrator by early next week. Hopefully, that will make some of my stress go away. Of course, it could make it WORSE, too!<P>so, whaddya all think about this stuff? <P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I can see clearly now,<BR>the rain is gone ...

Just a quick note - I have posted a revised version of my Plan B letter over on the Plan A/Plan B forum.<P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000285.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000285.html</A> <BR>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I can see clearly now,<BR>the rain is gone ...<p>[This message has been edited by terri (edited July 23, 2000).]

Hmmm ... I really was hoping for a comment or two on this thread.<P> This ought to show those who believe only the old-timers get responses that it simply isn't true - I've been here for nearly two years!<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I can see clearly now,<BR>the rain is gone ...

{{{{{{{{{terri}}}}}}}}}}}<P>You've hung in there a long time...<P>Enjoy the time with him, be good to yourself.<P>Good dreams are nice whether prophetic or not, right? <BR>

Now you're making me feel guilty (I was counting email responses too...).<P>As I've said off-line, I think the plan is very sound. You've done a tremendous job handling this, and you should be pretty proud of what you've accomplished.<P>And enjoy the dreams---they beat the heck out of the nightmares!!<P>

Thanks, schizzo! The time is bittersweet ... and it is difficult to think about not seeing him or talking to him anymore - but it is more difficult to for me to continue to be his "friend" when I still love him as much as ever.<P>And K, I didn't mean for anyone to feel guilty - especially you - you've been my mentor here. Email does count!<P>And dreams are nice, but they make for wistful days, so, once Plan B starts I hope I stop dreaming about him.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I can see clearly now,<BR>the rain is gone ...

I know exactly how you feel. <BR>I too tried to plan b my H just this past weekend. <BR>He too wants to be friends. <BR>I told him, this is too painful for me, but if you want this Divorce you take it off hold and I will accept that. <BR>And you must accept that this is it. I will not be able to talk to you anymore except for when it pretains to the children. Maybe in time it won't be so painful, but for now it is...<BR>Well the next day he called me, and is not taking the divorce off hold. At least for the moment. He said it is too final, and he is not ready to do that. <BR>He even asked if he could go with me to see our nieces and nephews, ( hadn't seen them in 18 months). Enjoyed our visit. <BR>So plan A, may be helping even if you aren't sure. <BR>When it does get too tough, you'll know it and plan B will be YOUR sanity....<BR>I too have been having "good" dreams of H, before I never dreamed at all about him. I think it's because we are enjoying being together and it comes to us in our dreams.<BR>I hope is he dreaming of us too. He never mentions it, but doesn't want to appear unloyal to his OW. I can't understand this, since they are not even in the same state anymore..Oh, there are many things I don't understand yet. But I'm trying....<BR>Enjoy your plan A, that is what it is for.<BR>To help him remember the good times....<BR>Tyra