I just wanted to share a few thoughts. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about my marriage and how its changed over the last year. I’ve noticed so many changes in my husband that it started me wondering about changes in myself. Those I haven’t noticed as much. As much as I would like to think that its because they aren’t there, I suspect that its really because I CHOOSE not to see them. <P>I have discovered that the kind and caring man that I’ve loved all these years didn’t disappear – he was hiding behind a façade of a cold, uncaring stranger. I don’t know why. He is suddenly generous and kind with the kids, and compassionate and supportive of me. Actually, it isn’t sudden – when I really think about it, he hasn’t changed very much in those aspects. He’s been doing the same things he always does. For some reason I just stopped noticing. What I did notice is the things he stopped doing. I wonder why that is?<P>One thing I am certain about is that we (husband & I) don’t spend nearly enough time together. It occurred to me while we were away that we haven’t spent more than 2 consecutive hours together since Christmas (if you don’t count sleeping). You can hardly have a deep relationship with that kind of schedule. We seem to put so much energy into our lives, I have a full-time job, a part-time job and attend university at nights. My husband works 6 days a week and staggers his hours so he can be with the kids when I’m not. He is an avid participant in the kids’ sports, and helps out in the community. I feel duty-bound to do volunteer work and try to do extras for friends and neighbours. So how come we don’t put the same energy in our marriage? Why don’t we put the same emphasis on being the perfect partner as we do on being the perfect employee, parent, citizen, sibling, neighbour, coach and friend? <P>I’ve decided to remedy it – I don’t know how yet. We are trying to recover from a poor business deal and need the extra money to pay debts. I have to continue my education (a condition of my job). But I am determined to somehow change things – it may take some time to figure it out, but I will. <P>One question to everyone for their opinion – Things are going really well right now - should I try to sort this out now or just bask in the glow for a while? I don’t want to rock the boat, but I’m a compulsive fixer-upper. <P>SALP (back 1 day and already craving chocolate - so much for the diet)<P>

SALP<P>I'm going through that too right now. It's very hard to approach the subject especially when everything seems ok, but in my case, a few weeks it's ok, then BAM, it's not ok. <P>I suggest approaching the subject with ease. Try one of those " I've been thinking that we don't spend enough time together, so why don't we do .. blah". At least that's what I'm planning on doing. When I tell my H he doesn't spend enough time with me, he gets defensive and an argument ensues from just one little sentence. So, maybe if we take a little initiative and make the plans and spice life up a little, it'll change on it's own. <P>But also enjoy the good times now, and that neighbor down the street will live if you don't bake a cake or feed their pet one day! It is very important that we spend time with our spouses, how else are we going to work on our marriage if we don't see them? Laugh a little bit, enjoy the summer, and try to spend more time together. As the NIke commercial says 'Just Do It'! Go out on a 'date' this weekend and see if that helps out some. <P>Vee

SALP,<P>You are running into a problem that is called being a "SuperFamily". You and hubby are so busy doing other things that you forget about each other. By the time you do think about your spouse, it is to late in the evening and all you want to do is sleep.<P>I've seen so many couples grow apart because they are caught up in to many other things; and they forget to bond with their spouse. There is a "glue" that keeps marriages together when we spend time with our spouse. If you let to much day to day "stuff" get between you and your spouse you will start to come undone.<P>So cut some of the fat out of your lives and spend time with each other.<P>------------------<BR>PSALMS 133<BR>AMOS 7:7-8<BR>ECCLESIASTES 12:1-7

What about balancing the basking and the fixing? That way the fixing doesn't have to be such a chore.<P>What if you set small goals like, "This week I am going to dedicate X amount of time to sitting in the jaccuzi alone with my H and talking about us- our hopes, dreams, and present feelings." It's a little thing, but something that can bring you closer to knowing what's going on inside each other and giving you something to strive for together. You get to talk while relaxing and enjoying the moment.<P>I remember when I used to schedule dinner dates with my H just for that purpose. He'd be late, struggling to get there on time. We'd argue about his insensitivity, the mood would be tense and all we'd talk about was business. What a waste! Good intentions ruined. <P>Yeah, I think we have to focus on our goal and not be distracted from it. It's not enough to go through the motions of together time, but to bring some purpose into it.<P>But, then we can't move so fast from one plan to the next that we don't have a chance to enjoy the fruits of our labor either. So balance is the key.