Hello Everyone,<P>This is a letter that I wrote to the Elder of my church, who also married my husband and I. Please read and give me some advise. The elder has already advised that I tell my husband, but told me "when" is up to me. How and where do I do it? Help?<P>Letter to Elder:<BR>I know that you are very busy, so I will try not to take up much of your time and get to the point. I have a few problems that I have been trying to deal with on my own for some time and they have just escalated. I am 26 years old and will be married for 3 years come August 2000, as you already know. My husband, O and I have been experiencing much difficulty in our marriage regarding intimacy. From the first night of our marriage, there were problems with sexual intimacy. I think that part of it is because we had sexual relations before being married and it resulted in these consequences. <BR>For the first year and a half, we had a decent marriage, but there were some issues that I had with him. Somewhere along the road things became worse and I started having an affair with a co-worker. It started out as a "someone to ride the train home with" relationship and then after a few months it turned into a deep friendship and romance. I was getting from this person the attention and intimacy that I lacked in my marriage, yet I knew deep in my heart that what I was doing was wrong and that I would not be satisfied. I knew this because in most of my relationships I end up cheating on my partner. Even when my husband and I dated, I cheated on him. Why? I think that I come to a point in the relationship where I am no longer satisfied, but I think it is because I always settle for less in the beginning. I think I settle for less because I have low self-esteem. I have tried to cut off the relationship, but something is still holding me there. Even times when I knew I was strong enough to make the break, I returned, but mainly because I did not want to hurt or disappoint him.<BR>My father was not around and I did not have a relationship with him and although I have a step-father, he and I were not very close. I think the lack of a male role model causes me to seek attention from men in unhealthy ways. I became sexually active at the age of fourteen and I remember that my first relationship with any man was with my first boyfriend. When that relationship (which lasted just a few months and is considered a crush or puppy love) ended, I was devastated and tried to commit suicide. I was rejected and felt that something must be wrong with me. My whole life I have been jumping from one relationship to the other, like a never-ending cycle. I have had more than several sexual partners and each time I enter a relationship; it is because I am leaving one man for the other. I think that my parents past (generational sin) has something to do with it, because I see some things in my dad that might explain why I do certain things. I have memories of certain things, but cannot determine if there is any truth to it because I was so young. In my mind, I may be making it up or it could really be true. I do not know.<BR>I know that what I am doing is wrong and regardless of my past I am responsible for each and every decision that I make in my life, but I feel like I have very little control. I am beginning to think that this is just who I am and its my nature. I have a desire to be righteous and pure, but it is almost as if I cannot help myself. I often think that it is too late for me. I also think that I have an addiction to the flesh because along with everything else I have been watching pornography, masturbating and fantasizing about sexual tryst with other women.<BR>I sought Christian counseling a few months ago and went to a couple of sessions, alone and some sessions with O. It helped, but only for a little while. O does not know of my addiction to the flesh or the affair, but he definitely suspects something. I just keep denying it and making up all kinds of excuses for why I'm coming into the house at 2 o'clock in the morning or why I haven't called him. <BR>At this point in my life, I want to divorce my husband because I do not think I love him, and I just want to be alone. I knew before getting married that I wasn't ready and felt that we both had a lot of growing up to do. Before marriage, I had come to a point in my life where I was happy with myself and my relationship with God and it did not matter to me if I ever got married. I was content and I want to be there again. I want to be single again. I am not responsible enough for marriage and have never been any good at relationships anyway. I also do not want to continue to hurt my husband. He is a good, faithful, God-fearing man and belongs with someone much better than me. I have already brought him shame and disgrace and do not want to continue in this vicious cycle. I have contemplated telling him and sometimes wish that he would catch me so that this whole nightmare can end, but at the same time I am afraid. There are a few people who I have confided in, who know what's going on, but when I asked them if I should tell him, they say no. Even my counselor said no, because I have to focus on building up my marriage and this would only tear it down. Also, because this would tear down his ego. <BR>I have prayed about this situation and God has probably spoken to me, but I don't know what to do because there are too many voices talking to me in my head. What I mean by that is some say tell him, some say don't, some say divorce him, some say stay regardless if you're not happy and etc... I am confused and cannot tell which is the voice of God. Sometimes I don't even know who I am anymore, I just know that I am a big mess. <BR>Looking at all of this what do you suggest that I do? Is there a right and wrong decision? Also, I know that I have often heard that sexual sin is a worse sin because it is a sin against your body, but I really don't understand what that means. Why is it worse? <P>------------------<BR>Philly

Hello Philly:<P>There is no best way to say this, so I'll just say it. You need some help. You mentioned you have a counselor...marriage or personal? <P>The kind of problems you are dealing with a probably beyond the scope of this board...you need someone with more expertise then we have. <P>Partner hopping, uncommited relationships, problems with initialing and sustaining intimacy, repeated infidelity, suicial attempt(s)...do yourself a favor and get some help. There is just a hint in your post of something in the past that is bothering you, something that has nothing to do with your marriage.<P>Find someone to help you deal with your past if that is the problems, because you will not be about to function in a relationship until you do. Something needs fixing and you're crying out for help but the one who needs to listen is you.<P><BR>Buffy<BR>

Thanks for your response Buffy. I know that I need help beyong this and that's why I went to my church. The elder gave me some scriptures to meditate on, told me to throw out all the sexual paraphernalia that I own and break off all contact with that co-worker. I have done everything except throw out the paraphernalia. I am waiting for a time when my husband is not home. <P>Since I spoke to the elder Friday, I have been worried about my husband's reaction. I am so afraid to tell him and know that no time is a good time, but know that I must tell him soon. I just don't know how. Do I tell him in person face-to-face, in a letter, over the phone? <BR>This is a big mess and it's all my fault.<P><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by buffy:<BR><B>Hello Philly:<P>There is no best way to say this, so I'll just say it. You need some help. You mentioned you have a counselor...marriage or personal? <P>The kind of problems you are dealing with a probably beyond the scope of this board...you need someone with more expertise then we have. <P>Partner hopping, uncommited relationships, problems with initialing and sustaining intimacy, repeated infidelity, suicial attempt(s)...do yourself a favor and get some help. There is just a hint in your post of something in the past that is bothering you, something that has nothing to do with your marriage.<P>Find someone to help you deal with your past if that is the problems, because you will not be about to function in a relationship until you do. Something needs fixing and you're crying out for help but the one who needs to listen is you.<P><BR>Buffy</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><P>------------------<BR>Philly

Philly<P>I hate to jump in, but when I told my husband about my affair, I wrote him a letter, becuase I wanted to make sure I covered everything and I wanted to make sure he knew that I wanted us to work things out. BUT, I had him read the letter in front of me. That way, I could answer his questions, etc . . . It was really hard to tell him, and it felt like things came out in bits and pieces - so the letter helped to keep me on track. This kind of thing should be done face to face - it's tough, but you can do it.<P>It seems like you are very sincere about getting help - and you should pursue counseling. I agree that it sounds like there are some issues that are really at the root of your problems. <P>I have one thing in my past, that only my H knows about. And I think that's where my problems began - a very long time ago. <P>Unfortunately, it was and still is a painful situation for me to talk about, and I only told my husband about it when I was drunk - otherwise, I never would have talked about it. When I was drunk, I couldn't talk about the problem rationally, so even though he knows what happened, we never really had a good discussion on it. Do I need counseling - probably. Am I ready for that? I'm not sure yet. In my situation, time and a very loving husband has helped. But, if you can get counseling now, it will probably help you down the road.<P>Suicidal thoughts - even at a young age - are never good. Trust me, I know. Even though our situations are very different, I think something may have happened in your past that has had a negative effect on your self-esteem. My opinion about divorce . . .I don't like to believe in it. I don't think God wants us to divorce, or to have mulitple partners in life. Sometimes, however, divorce may be an only option.<P>I think you still have a lot of options open to you. The one you should try first is to get the love and support you need from your husband. For me, I would rather face my problems with my H, than without him.<P>I don't think you really want to be alone, but you're afraid of hurting him, so you have made yourself believe that being alone would be better than facing your problems. <P>You've already taken the first steps. You know something is wrong, you're seeking help from your church elder and this site, you want to tell your H . . .You just need to be strong. You can get through this, but you need to break things off with the OM, too.<P>Hang in there, and try to get your H's support. Even after all the things I've done, my H still loves me . . .it's pretty amazing - the power of love can help you get through anything. Try to work things out together. God Bless you and keep you.<p>[This message has been edited by SKM (edited July 24, 2000).]

Hey Philomena,<BR>I hurt for you. I struggle with some of the same issues you are working through. I am trying to extricate myself from a sexual/emotional affair too and am trying to deal with issues from the past that may be due to generational sins. I'm adopted but know that there was much alcohol abuse and infidelity and abandonment in my home of origin. So we carry a burden together, and that is what this forum is all about.<BR>Because you seem addicted to your activities, I would like to suggest that you<BR>check out Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous on the web. It offers a twelve-step program and a support system. This is something I don't know much about since I just discovered it myself, but I encourage you to give it a try.<BR>The fact that you are here and the fact that you are seeking spiritual and emotional health tells me that you are a good person who is strong enough and good enough to try and put things right.<BR>Let me know how you fare.<BR>Rockaway (formerly pilgrim)

Thanks Rockaway<P>Yesterday I opened up to my prayer group at work that I have a problem and that I believe I am a sex addict. I received a lot of information on meetings and support groups and plan to attend one next week.<P>SKM, I will take your advice ad write him a letter. I am much better at expressing myself honestly through writing because than I don't hold back because of fear. <P>I feel stronger today. Maybe it's because I am speaking about it and my problem is coming out into the light out of darkness. I am also meeting with my mom tomorrow so I can ask her some questions about my childhood and her marriage to my father. I remember one time going to say good-bye to my dad and when he went to hug and kiss me he put his tongue in my mouth. I really don't know if it's all made up in my mind, or if it's real. I also remember being around 9 or 10 years old and fondling one of the kids my grandmother was babysitting at home. That I know is true because I remember what I did and I feel horrible. I may have caused this person the same trauma that I am going through now. The question that I have is: Why would I do that to this young kid at such a young age myself if there wasn't something distorted or perverted that was instilled in me? Also, if I was molested why don't I remember more? Could that one incident have caused me to become this way?<P>I am also planning on telling my husband soon, because he keeps wanting to make vacations plans and make major purchases, but obviously that's not a good idea, because after he finds out I am pretty sure he will be out the door.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Philly

philomena,<P>What are you planning on telling your h? The current affair? The one when you were dating? The pattern you are seeing in your old relationships?<P>You have hurt him in two ways:<P>1. Cheating on him<BR>2. Deceiving him about aspects of his life. Like you said he is trying to make some decisions...<P>If you choose to tell him, he will go back through the entire time trying to piece it back together now that he knows it wasn't what he thought. You should be prepared.

Schizzo<P>He found out about the cheating when we were dating and we broke up. We were apart for a year or so and dated other people. We got back together and felt that the next step was marriage.<BR>I am planning to tell him everything. I know that it will hurt him, but he deserves to know the whole truth. He has always been suspicious, I have just always lied to cover it up. <BR>It's time that I grow up, be honest with him and myself.

Philomena,<P>Have you read Surviving an Affair? My h had it in his briefcase without the cover (in case I saw it).<P>If you want to save your marriage, how you tell him and whether he believes there is hope that things can really change could make all the difference between walking out the door and trying.<P>He actually told Jennifer Harley (phone counsellor from this site) first and she somewhat prepared me for what was in store. Funny, I had set up the counselling with no idea about the infidelity.<P>I was sexually abused as a child and I have never slept with anyone beside my h (not counting the rapes), so I don't believe it will help you to focus as much on your childhood as on changing behavior right now.<P>Not saying it is easy, not at all. But you sound like you are truly motivated. I just think your time and effort would be much better spent on learning what it takes to have a great marriage (and Harley's principles have worked for us, he is right on).<P>

Schizzo<P>I have not read Surviving Affair, but I am not sure that I still want to be with my husband. I am not looking to be with OM either. I haven't spoken to him since last Wednesday and I am trying to make it a weekly goal so that I can get over that 3 week withdrawal time. <BR>Right now I just want to be alone, so I can't hurt anyone else with my sickness. Maybe when I get better I'll be able to really love someone. I don't think I was ever really satisfied with my H, I think I married him more out of security, due to my insecurities. <BR>He never was the man of my dreams. I just settled.