I would love some input regarding rebuilding trust after a betrayal. I seem to fluctuate dramatically. It has been five months since I discovered betrayal, and I am having the hardest time with this issue. The "affair" involved several a one night stands while traveling , so there is no emotional attachment, which is a plus. <BR>I don't know if I am just suppossed to wait, put in time. And eventually I will trust again? I am trying to do things that I am good at and enjoy in order to build my self esteem back up. But I don't know what else to do? It seems to me that I should be further along after 5 months. <BR>Also, I had absolutely no clue that this was going on. So I feel like if this happened again, I would still be clueless. I don't trust myself enough to know what is going on.<BR>Any comments on rebuilding trust would be very much appreciated.<BR>Thanks

Hello all! There is some great advice being passed around here and I was hoping that I could get someone to address my "trust" question from earlier today. I sure would appreciate any input.

I don't know, because I quite frankly think that we never really trust in the same way again.<P>In my case, I had no discovery. No confession. No nothing. I did a "nondisclosure Plan A" which seems to have been successful.<P>But where I used to see my marriage as rock-solid and my H as "affair-proof", now I see everything as a potential threat.<P>Case in point: My H told me tonight that his boss wants him to learn to play either tennis or golf so he can play with him one night a week. My first thought was not "Isn't it nice that his boss wants to include him," but "Is he telling the truth? Or does he want to see Dragon Lady? Or is there someone else?"<P>I'm not able to see it as "Oh, goody, a night when I can see my friends or go to the movies without worrying about neglecting him." If he's not underfoot all the time, I get anxious.<P>So I don't know if it ever returns in the same way. The anxiety does fade after a while, but I think it's always more easily triggered from then on.

Hi TCH,<P>Don't cha just love that clueless feeling??? <P>I discovered my h betrayal over a year ago. I still have severe bouts of mistrust. The only thing that keeps me semi-sane is this: I can't control what he does. No matter what. He had a 6 month affair behind my back. I found out, he decided he wanted me and the kids, we worked on "our" marriage. At the beginning of this year, he started calling her again. I knew something was wrong, but I believed him when he said it wasn't her. Dammit, stupidity must be my middle name. But guess what? I still could not control what he did.....and I snooped and checked and doublechecked.....and he STILL outsmarted me. Then, he came clean. Told me he'd never, ever do it again. <P>Why do I believe him? Because I don't listen to his words anymore (not too much anyway). I "listen" to his actions. <P>Why do I trust him? I don't. Not completely. I don't think that will ever be possible again, now that I know that he was capable of doing something like this. <P>How do I live with it? You know when you have a little toothache, that is painful just once in a while, not enough to go to the dentist for, but just enough to remind you that it's there? That's how.<P>One day at a time. Listen to their actions. Listen to your inside sense of right and wrong. Keep the Valium and the large cast iron frying pan handy....just kidding....<P>Best of luck,<P>Merlyn<P>------------------<BR>....all that we see, or seem is but a dream within a dream......Alan Parsons Project

What is a "non-disclosure" plan a?

Thankyou both for your info. It was helpful and somewhat encouraging, I guess.<BR>Harley says that if you follow the policy of Joint agreement, meet each others emotional needs, etc. that trust will follow and the marriage should be "affair proof". Do either of you do this? Do your spouses? <BR>Also, have either of you gone to counseling with or without your H? Did you find it helpful?

<B>TCH</B>,<P>Here are a bunch of older posts that may relate to your concern...<P><B>Recovery:</B><BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/006615.html" TARGET=_blank>How to rebuild my spouse's trust?</A>…..redman…..8/23/1999<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/007102.html" TARGET=_blank>How do you deal with "TRIGGERS?"</A>…..NoTrust…..9/7/1999<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/000121.html" TARGET=_blank>How do you define "recovery"?</A>…..2sad4words…..2/10/2000<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/000245.html" TARGET=_blank>Truths I learned through my spouse's affair...</A>…..BrokenButNotCrushed…..3/12/2000<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/000274.html" TARGET=_blank>Things my husband did to rebuild trust</A>…..HGBrawner…..3/17/2000<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/000293.html" TARGET=_blank>Making New Memories</A>…..HGBrawner…..3/25/2000<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/000303.html" TARGET=_blank>When Triggers Stop Being Triggers</A>…..wasstubborn…..3/26/2000<P>I have these (and others) listed on my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000013.html" TARGET=_blank>Notable Posts/Threads</A>.<P> <P>Jim