Help! My husband of 14 months had phone sex when we had only been married 6 months and while I was pregnant! I found out only after seeing the phone bill which he was on "all night long". I was so hurt and upset by this I wanted to leave him. I felt he cheated on me. He has in the past had trouble "performing" sexually and said that he needed to see if this was a true problem with himself and that I could not possibly understand why he did it. He swears that he would never have done it if he knew it would hurt me that bad. I believe he loves me and we have a superb sex life, but I now cannot trust him at all. I am so jealous and paranoid it is really affecting our marriage and I don't know what to do about it! <BR>

Please, anyone, who can offer any advice! I really don't know how to work this out!<P>Thanks for any help!!!!

I sympathize with you and can understand to some degree where you are coming from. Several months ago my husband was involved in an internet affair (it never went any further than being on line) and it took him a long time to understand how it effected me. My experience tells me that it is not so much whether it is cheating or not, but whether it is the kind of thing that should be happening in secrecy in a marriage. If you are feeling betrayed, distrustful of him, and confused about your relationship and yourself then whether or not it is cheating is insignificant. Someone else saying "yes it is cheating" or "no it isn't" really doesn't change the dynamics of the situation or how you feel about the incident. In my opinion, things that are O.K. to do in a marriage are not done in secrecy from the other partner. I encourage you to let your husband know all of your feelings that are associated with his emotional betrayal, talk about what is and is not acceptable to you in your marriage. Find out what he believes is and is not acceptable; (are there 2 standards one for him and one for you?) It took me 15 years to have that discussion and let me tell you it was more valuable than 99% of the other discussions we had previous to it. Describe to him your picture of an ideal marriage and encourage him to tell you about his. Let him know that he behaved like a bone-head; gargantuan phone bills to 400 pound women with long toenails and tobacco breath really arn't the best way to get your needs met. He messed up big time, he's hurt you and it will take some time and effort on both of your parts to move past this but it is possible. It seems to me that many men have this insatiable need to assert their prowess, how he chose to do it was cruel and inconsiderate. Tell him next time he has the need to check out his manliness that you will get a cell phone and he can call you. Stay stong and work you problems and insecurities though, its important to have a solid foundation for your new baby to enter into. <BR>

Thanks for your words of wisdom. We have had many, many talks on this and I really believe he feels bad about it. He is very open and willing to talk about it, I just get angry when I think about it and don't "talk" fair. I am very accusing, very suspicious, very scared that he would do more than just use the phone. I am trying to work it out and am better now than I was. I just am afraid to be too trusting now. I will continue to work at it though.

trjhn:<P>Yes, phone sex is cheating! You have every right to feel hurt by this.<P>I, too, discovered that my H started having phone sex shortly after we got married. Of course, he also had internet sex and physical sex later on, but the phone sex lady hurt just as much as the others.<P>I "talked" with her on ICQ. She didn't know he was married. I guess she's hurting now, too. Oh, well.<P>I suggest you pick up the Harley book about emotional needs and look to see if your husband is missing something from your marriage that phone sex is fulfilling. This is not to say that his behavior is your fault, but you might be able to find something in there. I also suggest that you pick up Harley's "Surviving an Affair" and Janis Abrahms Spring's "After the Affair." Not everything will apply to you, but you will find some tools that YOU can use to get through this and make your marriage better.<P>Good luck to you, trjhn! --HBC

I am 99.9% sure that this was a one-time incident with my husband. I am also fairly certain he hasn't done anything online (since we've been together) and AM sure he hasn't done anything physical! I just want to get past this phone sex incident to be able to feel more trusting and can't figure out how. I have Harley's His Needs Her Needs book and have read through it. I asked my husband to read it too. I think it is a very good book with great information! Thanks for your suggestions!<P>teresa

Yes, phone sex, cyber sex, etc. is all cheating. It diminishes the primary bond.<P>As a way to "talk fair" try only making "I statements" rather that "you statements".<BR>As an example "I feel unwanted" rather than "you make me feel unwanted". It seems a subtile difference but it matters.<P>As others have said talking about this is the best way to find a solution, find out what his needs are, tell him what yours are.<P>It sounds like you are on the right track, and don't discount the rather common upset over the soon to come baby. You are both in a somewhat unusual state.<P>Take care.