I will probably always love my H, but I no longer have any respect for him.<P>I read posts from betrayers in which they say there were problems in their relationship, that they feel more connected to the OP. My H did not even have the decency to admit that the OP had anything to do with his leaving. He denied that there was an OW when I asked him directly, even denying after he left. Instead, he cruelly accused me of being a bad wife, a bad mother, and a bad person. He told me that he had contemplated suicide, including a place and method, rather than have to wake up in bed next to me, before I knew that the real reason is that there was someone else he wanted to be with. Yet he also said that I always acted like I loved him, and he never denied the fact that he once loved me. <P>It seems there are only two possible explanations for his behavior - he is either making a conscious attempt to make me hate him, so he can feel less guilty, or he is being intentionally cruel - so he is either a coward or a sadist. Shortly after he left I saw a counselor, and I mentioned to my H that after seeing him, I felt slightly less depressed and more angry, and my H almost seemed pleased. I guess I would prefer to think that he is cowardly rather than sadistic, but I certainly can't respect a person who is either.

Nellie,<BR>It is insanilty on his part...he has to blame you and if you were not angry with him than he had to try in every wat to do so....somewhat passive aggresive as his anger cannot come out at the real source i.e. himself. It also justifies his actions by blaming you.<BR>I have read and in fact the marriage counsellor stated that anger has to be relaesed and it is healthy (I am talking about yours, not his) as H stated "why is my wife angry?" Yes there were LB, but it had to be said somewhere and the MV stated that her office was a good place....as there he could not browbeat me into thinking that my reaction was "insane"<BR>Unfortunately his behaviour has deteriorated so much in terms of doing the "moral" things in terms of supporting his children etc. that all I feel for him is more sadness than anger, but no, I cannot love him the way he is now when OW and my property and money (and lack of his realistic contributiuon to his children's support) is all that he is interested in.

Nellie:<P>I almost hate to type this, but there is a third possibility. He could blame the affair on you being a miserable wife, so you deserve his anger for making him do such a terrible thing and having to leave his family. Big person that he is, he spared telling you the truth about the affair to prevent you from getting further hurt. Got it? I think this is the most likely scenario and I think it is what my husband thinks. It's the justification extraordinaire. The affair is OUR FAULT and they lie to protect us. I'd bet money on it.<P>Now, you realize that this is completely ridiculous, right? He is cowardly, but I don't think it's about confessing to you. He's afraid to address the truth within himself.<P>I also have no respect for my husband at this point and doubt that I love him either. I don't know where we go from here, but I hope you know that this has nothing at all to do with you. Your behavior throughout has been much more than admirable.<BR>

Nellie,<P>I have to agree with Distressed. I think many times that the OW is not the problem. They are simply a 'feel-good' distraction so that H doesn't have to come to grips with the problem(s) within himself. In a way, it's cowardice because rather than confront the problem, they retreat into fantasyland.

Nellie,<BR>I think Distressed and Sidney have hit it on the head. My stbx was very cruel to me, like she was trying to get me to hate her. In fact when I found out that she was back with om again, she told me stop being so nice to her.<P>I think she has taken om back with her to punish herself. I say this because of what she said about him, she really ran him down to me and to her best friend. <P>My stbx didn't want to work on her self esteem problem and still isn't. She's looking for the magical "happiness" that om is currently providing.

Nellie--<P>Curious q...from your H's point of view, which of his emotional needs did you not meet, as a rationalization for his affair with OW, for which he blames you?

willbok,<BR>All during the affair, my H has accused me of being angry at him no matter how "un-angry" I act. The therapist asked us how often we argued, and as I was saying "occasionally" he said "all the time". He and I must have been living in different marriages - fortunately the children were in mine - they said, about the time period when he was living at home during the affair and during which we argued the most, that we argued "a medium amount".<BR>Distressed,<BR>I do think he blames the affair on me. He told our daughter that he was "looking for someone to talk to" - yeah, right. He told our son that he didn't want to "have to get a divorce". <P>But if he wanted to spare me further hurt, why did he introduce the kids to the OW so soon (six weeks after he left), admit that the relationship was serious (not long afterwards he said he viewed it as permanent) - then deny that it had started while he was still at home, and even try to convince me that the therapist was a liar after she admitted that he'd been having an affair when I told her I'd found out?<P>sidney,<BR>I think he was trying, probably subconsciously, to self-treat his depression.<P>RWD,<BR>I think he may be trying to get me to hate him. Or trying to convince himself that I hate him.<P>Lucks,<BR>I don't know. I tried to discuss the concept of emotional needs with him, and gave him the list. He said there are many other emotional needs besides those, but wouldn't give me any examples. I asked him specifically about a couple of needs, and he said they were not the major issue. The only thing he hasn't denied being a problem is that "he can't separate his feelings about our financial situation from his feelings about me" - yet he freely admits blaming himself for a major part of the problem, and would not commit to saying he wanted me to put the kids in daycare to go back to work.<P>Weeks after he left, he started coming up with the same reasons I have heard from so many other betrayers - I wouldn't let him do what he wanted, etc. The day before discovery, he claimed the final straw was that I didn't want him to continue working a second job - but there was no second job, just the OW. I got the distinct impression he left because it was getting too difficult to continue the affair while hiding it from me.

Nellie,<P>Our situations are so much alike with the exception that H hasn't put the blame on me (except once in the very beginning he made some very irrational statements that made no sense). In fact, my H has always told me the problem is within HIM. He would always pound on his chest in the area of his heart when he said this. I once read that there is an inverse relationship between guilt and hate. In order to lessen guilt, the mind will begin to hate the betrayed. It's a defense mechanism to help the betrayer rationalize what they have done. Their conscience just cannot allow them to believe they did such a horrible thing without having a legitimate reason. So, they fabricate one. Like yours, my H would not reveal to me that there were any needs of his unmet. On the reverse side, he once said to me that he knows he's not meeting ANY of mine. I believe my H left because he could no longer deal with the guilt over hurting me. Our situation was also similar in that H was not contributing significantly in the financial area. He admitted to me the last night we were together that he turned his frustration over this inward until it finally affected his feelings towards me. Bottom line is, WE DIDN'T BREAK IT, SO WE CAN'T FIX IT.

My H is running and hidding from himself and<BR>is beginning to blame me when before he had<BR>said it had nothing to do with me, it was <BR>HIM. Now because his lifestyle is being in-<BR>convenienced he is looking for anything to take pressure off of him and turns what he is<BR>feeling as my fault. I have always been there for him and been very understanding even when I should have perhaps put my foot down more. I tried to help him with his problems and get him help. But now he is on the run again and not dealing with any of this. He wants me to keep giving so he can<BR>remain selfish, or so it seems. My grandpa<BR>told me a long time ago, "Once you lose your<BR>self respect you've lost everything." And<BR>I'm not far off from that. I am losing my<BR>respect for him and it is hard to love some-<BR>one you don't respect.

Sidney,<BR>I agree that there is an inverse relationship between guilt and hate - but maybe people who are basically good feel guilt, and those who are basically evil feel hate. Being able to feel guilt is what conscience is - if you have no conscience, you do not feel guilt, and vice versa. <P>devastated,<BR>I always felt like I was giving constantly. I am beginning to think that he is a narcissist. For several years at least, and off and on previously, he acted like nothing I had to say was worthwhile or important enough to be of interest to him - he rarely gave me his undivided attention - getting his attention period was difficult. He treated the kids pretty much the same way. Maybe he has always been narcissistic, or maybe it is just when he is depressed. I can't remember anymore his ever being nice to me, though he must have been at one time. If he is trying to get me to hate him, he is succeeding.<BR>

Nellie, <P>I can identify with this post. I think my H is running from his own inability to deal with problems - the external crises we have endured. But, also, I really believe he has NEVER forgiven me for the EA I had over 2 years ago.<P>I like sidney's and distressed2's explanations - the affair for many is a DISTRACTION to keep the wayward spouse from looking internally. It may also mask unspoken anger. I think both of these were true for me when I had the EA (I was mad at H for not helping me when my Dad had the stroke)and both are true for my H now in his ongoing affair (H is mad at me for the EA I had).<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Roll Me Away,<BR>Perhaps my H is angry about something, but I don't know what it is - maybe even he doesn't know. The most likely thing I can come up with is that he blames me for us not having enough money to live comfortably, but I don't know how much of what he said before discovery was grasping at straws to explain his behavior and how much had a basis in something he was really feeling.