I installed the trial version on my computer. <BR>Last night, I asked W to leave. She moved in with her mom, but living with her mom for one night is more traumatic than spending a few weeks with me until the D is final, so she moved back in today. I told her that the only condition I would place on the arrangement is that she avoid contact with the OM until she finally moves out (8/12).<P>When I got home today, I found that she had e-mailed the OM. She said something to the effect of "I miss having you in the bed next to me. I even miss your snoring." <P>When I called her to tell her I was home, I asked her point blank if she had ever slept with OM. She denied it.<P>I did a bad thing: I sent her an e-mail where I quoted her e-mail verbatim. I asked her what use there was in lying at this point, since I already know what's going on. I told her that I appreciated honesty more than compassion, and its true. If she's sleeping with him, I'd rather know about it than have her lie to me again.<P>When she gets home tonight, I'll have to deal with the consequences.<P>Did I do the right thing? Should I have just ignored the lie and gone on with the next few weeks until she moves out? I feel terrible for spying, but like I told her in my e-mail, stop the lying, and I'll stop the spying.<P>Today is most certainly d-day. <BR>

{cjack},<P>I take it you are in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<P>...if so...<P>..unfortunately... this was a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Buster</A>.<P>Apologize for it...<P>If you must be "honest"...<BR>...continue the monitoring...<BR>...(if you can handle it [keep the info to yuourself exclusively])<P>BUT... you've got to stop the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>.<P> <P>Jim<BR>

Cjack,<BR>I'm am curious about the winguardian. How detectable is it? <P>About your post, I wouldn't set my w up to lie? Re-read the concepts here. I wish you luck. If you are wanting her back I would definitely go into plan A and start trying to fill up her account with positive deposits. Even though she is in a fog right now eventually the fog lifts and she'll be equating happiness with you. At least for many that's the case. Good luck.

cjack, what is winguardian and how do I get it?<P>As for LB I'm not sure it was. Although if you are going to be divorced does it still matter? Are you really ready to throw int he towel<P>------------------<BR>Lost Soulmate

W is 100 percent certain that the marriage is over. She really thinks she loves OM.<P>I realize this was a LB, but she is so hateful to me that I can hardly continue Plan A. She thinks it is some sort of mind game.<BR>"How come you're being so nice to me? What are you trying to do?"<P>She threw in the towel a long time ago. The A with the OM was her excuse to end our marriage. As I've said before, once she makes up her mind, there is no changing it. <P>Winguardian is totally undetectable if you buy the full version. I hate this, but it has shown me how decietful my W is. I don't know how to deal with that knowledge yet.<P><BR>How can I continue to be honest when everything she tells me is a lie?

{cjack},<P>Just a few thoughts... (quotes from <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>)... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>(#3.) The (betrayed) spouse needs to know that he/she had done his/her best to save their marriage. (page 76 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>(#4.) If the (betrayed) spouse follows the plans (A & B), and they(the plans) fail, the (betrayed) spouse would no longer have any feelings of love for the wayward spouse. (page 76 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>..and... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Wayward spouses do not necessarily have a history of lying, but their affair turns them into masters of deception. (page 40 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Have you done all you really want to do to save your marriage?<P>Even if you feel your W had an "exit affair"...<BR>...for your own sanity...<BR>...you can work on both <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A>.<P>It will let you heal yourself... <P>Jim

cjack,<P>I'm about 1 and half months since my D-Day. Thigs get better. My first week I couldn't work I cried to the point of not being able to walk at times. I lost 24 lbs in 2 weeks. I've lost 44 in all so far. and still every day is a rolercoaster.<P>The good news is it does get better. Get into some self counseling ASAP. They can teach you how to divert some of those emotions.<P>The people here on MB help tons but I slip all the time. Plan A is so very difficult. One thing though, Anger, Pain, and sadness are very real emotions; however displaying them to your W is useless. Being 6 weeks into this I feel deep sadness now daily, especially since she moved out. While she was here I was gettign angry with her all the time and we both decided it was better that she leave. While our time together is much more productive for the recovery now, I still have a great emptiness that I deal with daily, if not hourly. She still is communicating with OM(coworker). At first this was pure torture, it is also something I have no control over.<P>Learn to focus on yourself, find the reasons you may have contributed to the A. I'm using this time to find my personality faults, sexual faults, and any other faults that caused her to be unhappy. I've found that most everything I did was self motivated. Not only including sex but especially sex. That was not the only reason she strayed, my conversation was juvinile, not because I wasn't inteligent, but because I was immature and wanted to stay that way, I was a man and acted that way. Not very careing. This A caused me to cry for the 1st time since I was a child. Unfortunately the first couple of weeks I couldn't stop crying.<P>enough rambling from me.<P>1. work on yourself <BR>2. when she is around don't be angry or a victum<BR>3. be kind to her and make her feel safe there<BR>4. If you still love her, focus on that.<P>I know these are nearly impossible things to accomplish. I struggle with that everyday. But I also know that is the correct path to take. Don't file for a D immediately. Wait until you can see clearly w/o all the emotion. You may find you don't want her after all. But the focus is to have no regrets when you look back on this .<P>Don't show her any more of those emails. I'm not sure you are going to want to keep looking at them because they will hurt and hurt bad.<P>We are praying for you, and know you are not alone. <P>jason

Thanks to all! I was talking to my mom on the phone when W came home. She had lost her bankcard and I helped her look for it. It was nice for about one second, with both of us trying to help each other...then the OM called.<P>I said a few things loud enough so he could hear. I know, bad move! <P>p.s. one of her friends at work told her about winguardian. the e-mail was fabricated just to hurt me when I read it!<P>I let my anger get the best of me, but sometimes I feel like "what's the point?"<P>She never loved me, she never will. I'm fooling myself.<P>Sorry, depression is setting in again...this is way too hard. Scattering my father's ashes in his favorite fishing spot was like a picnic compared to this. ARRRRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!<p>[This message has been edited by cjack (edited July 25, 2000).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>p.s. one of her friends at work told her about winguardian. the e-mail was fabricated just to hurt me when I read it!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Buncha crap! They come up with any excuse.<P>Hear the one about the wife who came home & found her h in bed with her best friend? He said he was helping her look for her contact lens!<P>Just hang on. You’ll do okay.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>