I am new to this..hope I am doing it right.<BR>I am the one who had an affair. I deeply regret what I have done in the name of frustration. I have assured my husband that I have always loved him, but my taker definitely got out and took over. I do not try to excuse what I did. There is no excuse. <BR>However, my husband is having a hard time believing in anything good that has happened to us in the last 12 years. How do I help him understand that the feelings I have had have always been there...I understand that I have hurt him tremendously and said some pretty hurtful things over email which he found. In anger, I believe I was preparing for him to leave me and my actions and my words showed that. <P>It has been three and a half months since he discovered my affair. I did not tell him about it, he found out. He feels there was no regret or I would have stopped before he knew.<P>My sole intent is to rectify this marriage. I love my husband dearly and will do anything to make it right. One of his needs is to be admired. I feel I have always done that, but now he thinks it was not real. It would be appreciated if any of you guys out there that have any ideas on how I can restore that feeling could answer me.<P>thanks for your input.

Not sure how much I can help. I am a betrayed. All I can offer is my feelings.<P>One of my H's needs is also to feel admired. I did admire him. He didn't believe it. But we had been together for 12 years. Married for 4 and had a 2 year old daughter. He saw what true admiration was when I looked at my D. This was what he needed/wanted. While I felt it i had so many years worth of tears, anger, bitterness, hurt, sorrow, on and on built up around my heart. I didn't allow myself to give this to him. I felt he didn't deserve it because my needs were going unmet. All this did was destroy my soul and our marriage. He had an affair and what drew him to OW was the fact that everything he did amazed her. Made her laugh no matter how stupid.<P>Now she's pregnant with my H baby. My life is gone. Whatever issues you have with your H address them now and get them out of your lives. Let the love and healing begin now. I don't want to see what's happening to my H and I happen to another human being.<P>The pain is unthinkable. Reassure your H to death. Make him and your marriage first priority. Over everything. There's a reason you chose each other. Keep that reason alive. I have faith. Good Luck Sarry-eyed. I hope you hang in there for as long as you're needed. LSM

Welcome to MB.<P>If you go to "just found out" section, NSR has some great links to the site.<P>But our best help came from the book Surviving an Affair and actually phone counselling with Jennifer Harley.<P>It takes a lot of work by both spouses to rebuild the marriage and get the good feelings, but it is worth it!

I have read that the betrayed spouse has to "rewrite their history" to include the affair. I went through a time of doubting everything good that he had said or done in all of our previous years of marriage. I think I was trying to reconcile how things had actually been with how I thought they had been. Eventually I have come to realize that there was good with the bad and that his confusion didn't mean that everything good he had said or done was a lie.<BR>I am going to "cut and paste" something that I found very helpful and that it sounds like you are doing quite well at.<P><BR>"Q: Can all relationships be fixed after an affair? <BR> Dr. G. No. What I look for is how the unfaithful partner shows empathy for the pain that they have caused when the betrayed spouse starts acting crazy. <P> Q: In what way do they act crazy? <BR> Dr. G. They’re very emotional. They cry easily, their emotions flip-flop. They are hypervigilant. They want to look at the beeper. They have flashbacks. In the car they hear a country-western<BR>song and start crying, or accusing. They obsess over the details of the affair. Although these are common posttraumatic reactions to infidelity, their behavior is very erratic and upsetting to them and<BR>their partner. How much compassion the partner has for that is one of the benchmarks. <BR> Another sign of salvageability lies in how much responsibility the unfaithful partner is willing to take for the choice they made, regardless of problems that pre-existed in the marriage. (We<BR>definitely need to work on the weaknesses of the marriage, but not to justify the affair.) If the unfaithful partner says, "you made me do it," that’s not as predictive of a good outcome as when the<BR>partner says, "we should have gone to counseling before this happened to deal with the problems."<P>One last tidbit for you. My therapist says that her rule of thumb is that recovery from a betrayal takes one month for every year you have been intimately involved. (I say intimately because when she told me this she asked how long I had known my husband, I started freaking out because we met in first grade!!!!). I know that seems like an awfully long time. It does to me. But I just wanted you to know that he your husband has a bit of recovery work left to do.<BR>Good luck to you

TCH- Can you tell me where your therapist got that "rule of thumb", one month for every year that you have been intimately involved? I'm just asking, because, if that's the case, I've been with my husband for 7 1/2 years minus 5 1/2 months that he's been staying somewhere else. Should I expect that my husband should be over his feelings of resentment towards me for betraying him, in a couple more months? Would that be one month for every year, after the process of recovery has started? I hope there's some truth to that "rule of thumb". I, so desparately want my marriage back (better and stronger than before the EA). I guess, I'll latch onto any glimmer of hope, even a "rule of thumb".

TCH,<P>Thank you for your insightful post. As the betrayed, I can only speak to all betrayers and tell them what would have made *me* heal, and that is compassion, patience and understanding. I know that there were problems in the marriage and that there still are. However, I'm too tender to address these right now. I need for my H to diligently put effort into making me feel like No. 1. I need his remorse, and his understanding and patience, particularly when I have one of those "crazy" triggers. He cannot deal with my reaction to his affair - that it hurt me so dreadfully only seems to make him angry, and this has been of the least help to me. I need him to not blame me for anything for a while until I'm over this. I need for him to take complete responsibility for his decision. I need for him to humbly and contritely ask for my forgiveness and mean it. I need to see him crying because he knows that he hurt me. I need flowers and cards and that extra-special effort to make me feel good. For once, I need it to be all about me and solely me. Just for a while.<P>After I feel that I have that assurance that my H wants to assuage my pain, then I will feel capable of going into therapy and working on the marriage.<P>belld

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by TCH:<BR><B> Q: In what way do they act crazy? <BR> Dr. G. They’re very emotional. They cry easily, their emotions flip-flop. They are hypervigilant. They want to look at the beeper. They have flashbacks. In the car they hear a country-western<BR>song and start crying, or accusing. They obsess over the details of the affair. Although these are common posttraumatic reactions to infidelity, their behavior is very erratic and upsetting to them and<BR>their partner.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Boy, did this hit home. We're 10 months past D-Day#2. I was cleaning the garage last night and discovered oil on the garage floor. None of our cars leak oil. Her ex-OM's jeep leaks oil like a sieve.<P>Bad feelings. I was reeling and sat alone on the garage floor for a while.<P>Good feelings. We worked through it together. <P>Still got to figure out where that da*n oil came from though...<P>Bama<P>

I am the betrayed wife. My husband is a little more than ticked because of my capriciousness. I am ticked with his.<BR>To make a long story short: He is in ajob that takes him overseas. WAY-Y-Y-Y overseas. I was there with him--for awhile. I found out about the affair while he was out of the country. I stayed in our beautiful apartment for five months after, writing to him everyday, sometimes a million times a day. Many were happy, love-filled letters (I tried--I felt for the man because he was working a live mission involving many people and I didn't want to upset him.) Some were nasty letters. Or so he said. I thought they were just letters full of questions deserving answers and identifying the truth. I didn't try to be hateful, but sometimes it came out that way--heck, I was trying to deal with the EA solo, what could I do? <P>So what did I end up doing? Filled with pent up emtion, I got on a plane and came crying home to mom before he came back, against the advise of everyone I knew--friends, chaplain, counselors. Now, I can't get back unless he comes to get me. We just racked up about $200 in phone calls filled with: "Do you want me to come back?" <BR>"If you really want to?"<BR>"I want to know if YOU really want me to?" "If YOU really, really want to."<BR>"Then come get me."<BR>"Only if you really really want me to."<BR>"Well, fine then! If don't really want to, then don't!"<BR>"I didn't say I didn't want to. I just want to know what you want."<BR>"And I want to know what you want."<BR> Blah, blah, blah.<P>Retarded, aint it?<P>We have to make up our minds quickly, because if we divorce, it means that my husband will have to get rid of our apartment and send all of our stuff home, by himself. And I will have to get off my butt and find a home and a job--but I don't really want to do that. I want my husband back. And I want him to WANT me back. But I want him to REALLY want me back--because it is obvious that in the recent past, I was the not the priority to him that I thought that I was, and I want solid proof that NOW I am a priority.<P>However, I am so PISSED that everytime I am watching tv and I see a love scene with people kissing, I get up and leave the room. I hear some stupid love song (especially THEIRS: ". . .you were made for me, and I was made for you. . "-gag!) and my blood boils! I think of my husband, the adulterer, and how he is wishy-washy and lukewarm with his "It's over and now I wanna work this out, but only if YOU . . ." I deserve enthusiasm! I deserve empathy! I don't want the ball to rest on my side of the court--he OWES it to me to make the first move! (That's what I think.)<P>If you REALLY want to return to your marriage and get the affair behind you, and your spouse is willing, but tentive, about resuming the relationship, this is what you need to do, coming from the betrayed spouse: <P>1)State your mind truthfully: (like, it's over and I am sorry and I still love you, even if you can't believe that.)<BR> <BR>2)State your objective ENTHUSIASTICALLY I want to work this out and I will do what it takes.) <P>3)Empathy, empathy, empathy: (I know that you are hurt by what I did, and if you are undecided, I understand.)<P>Yes, I know that this is oversimplifiying things a tad. But, you know, if my H would conduct a dialogue like this instead of "it's what you want," back and forth, then I wouldn't have run off. And I wouldn't have a $200 phonebill full of BS.<P>Be firm with your intentions!!! Tell him what you want! Prove your love!<p>[This message has been edited by Bernzini (edited August 15, 2000).]

Bernzini,<P>I enthusiastically agree! When two people are recovering from an affair, the small talk will drive you crazy, as will the justification and reasoning. I don't care if my H felt he had every right or reason under the sun to have an affair. And to be honest, I can understand why he would have done it, even though it's not what I would have done myself. The person who has betrayed *must* stop justifying and reasoning and pointing to the bad marriage. All rationalization must come to an end, and the person who betrayed must address the spouse's feelings and work for the spouse's trust - with enthusiasm, not this half-hearted, "Well, yeah I hurt you, *BUT* ..." No buts. No rationalizations. Just, "Yes, I hurt you, and I know that, and I am so sorry." That's enough at times. <P>To my mind, a betrayer wanting to work on the marriage must focus solely on the feelings of his or her spouse, and put his or her own on the back burner. I have no incentive to work on a marriage when I still feel that my H is attempting to get *me* to feel pity for him because he did something stupid like have an affair.<P>belld

Hopelessly Devoted,<BR>I don't know where she got her "rule of thumb", but I believe that it starts at the revelation of the affair and assumes that you are still together and actively working on the mariage. Like using Harley's steps or getting counseling or whatever. I know she has said that if we separated it would take longer, simply because we would be spending less time together. <BR>Does anyone else have any input on how long this takes. Til you feel normal, comfortable, til things feel easy.