Hello everyone.<P>We went to a wedding. Had a pretty good tme. Unfortunelty, the wedding itself was very difficult.<P>To stand there and see two people pledging their lives to each other... to have and to hold... for better or worse.. to love until death do them part... what an emotional thing to live through.<P>I had to wonder.. WHAT THE H*** WAS I THINKING? I said these vows also.. meant them to.. aparently i forgot the "for worse" part.<P>the ring ceremony was the same as ours was 9 yrs ago. (doesn;t that figure)<P>All i can say is... i thot we were in recovery more than we are. I thot when we gave up everything to move.. far away from OM that we would just up and heal. What i have found is that it was a bandaid and underneath is still a very deep ugly wound that only has a surface healing.<P>since is has only been six months since d-day and ony 4 into recovery I wonder if we can truly make it for the next 18 months iwthout some catastrophe. or more.<P>He again tells me "my pain is that of imagine your children killed by a drunk driver".... just exactly how do you live with the pain of that one?<P>To live under a microscope? prison? I feel as a convict would.. i imagine .. when they go before the parol board and promise to never do their crime again and theya re sorry for what they have done... only to be denied paroll because they are not believed. <BR>They cannot be trusted. Certainly no respect.<P>The saddest part is I BROUGHT THIS UPON MYSELF. Could anyone have talked me out of it? probably not. I am like a two yr old.. have to explore and see for myelf the stove is really hot.. <P>I am so damned tired of these ups and downs. Am I still suffereing withdrawal? or am i finally out of the clouds to see that it is grey everywhere? 1 step forward 15 back. I feel like a loser... no matter what game i play.. i will lose.<P>sorry to bend your ears.. tired of the crap.. tired of the depression.. tired of it all..<P>The day we got back from the wedding, I thot all was good! guess not. He is suffering so badly.. and i feel as much ifnot more, guilt that ever.<P>Isn't life grand?<BR>mercy

Hi Mercy,<P>I'm truly sorry things aren't going well for you right now. In a way, I wish I had been a little more open with you about the problems during recovery. If you follow individual stories here over a long period of time, you will see that there are definite patterns during recovery.<P>There is the initial "honeymoon phase" when it seems like everything will soon be great again. You've been there already. Then reality comes creeping back- the affair really happened and it really caused serious damage that needs to be dealt with.<P>If you deal with those first negative emotions well, everything seems great again, for a while. Then the pattern starts repeating.<P>It's like running a race with hurdles where the track goes on for eternity. However, the hurdles are not at a constant height. Sometimes they are very tall, but sometimes that are just a little bump in the road. The longer the race lasts, the smaller the hurdles are. But I think they are always there.<P>There will NEVER be a time in your marriage when the affair will be completely forgotten, and there is always the potential for it to cause problems. This is a consequence of the choice to have an affair, and it is only one of the consequences.<P>But I can promise you this, IT DOES GET EASIER. My husband's affair happened a year ago, with the one-time physical part almost exactly one year ago this week. Dday anniversary will be "celebrated" on 9-27-2000. Right now I feel that if I can just make it past that date, we will be able to move forward again.<P>We have come so far, but there is much more to be done. If we are going to have the kind of relationship we want, we will have to work on it for the rest of our lives. So will you and your husband.<P>The two of you need to work together, but that effort will not always be equal. When your husband's resolve is weakened by sadness or depression, you will have to pick up his slack. When your guilt threatens your recovery, he will have to work harder to forgive and recover your relationship. The only way to success is for the work to be done.<P>It is easy to get discouraged, and I truly believe it is easier to give up on a marriage that to save it after infidelity. The RIGHT thing to do is very seldom the easiest. Just try to do the right thing, as best you can. That's all you can do now.<P>Best wishes,<P>Peppermint

Mercy...<P>I've been to several weddings too. While I sat there I could only hear the voices in my head yelling 'You messed up! You broke the perfect ring. You destroyed it all!' And I know the voices are right.<P>Yes, know right where you are. I do. I am there as well. <P>Seeing our mistakes - in shear volume and size is horrific. The casualities are everywhere and it is crushing. And like you, when the realization comes, that 'I did this', 'I choose', 'I turned my back'...well, I have asked myself how do I live with that? Never being able to erase or change the past?<BR>Seems like it is not possible.<P>I wish I was more encouraging for you. I just wanted you to know - I share your feelings completely.<P>Time for healing and understanding is our only hope in this thing. All I can figure to do - literally - is NOT give up.<P>take care..hoping we will both find "MERCY"<P>-Dawnn<P>Peppermint,<BR>Thank you for your encouraging post. I imagine that it is helpful for all of us in this postion. Knowing that the betrayed are hurt so incredibly badly and still work to find reasons to go on...well it is such an encouragement to those like me who have failed.<p>[This message has been edited by Dawnn (edited July 27, 2000).]

sorry double post i guess.<p>[This message has been edited by Dawnn (edited July 27, 2000).]

SIGH......I've been to 3 weddings since d-day. The first was the worst(emotionally speaking),each one got better.....I guess I AM healing! <P>I just wanted to say to you,Mercy,and you Dawnn, that it has helped me ,as a betrayed, to hear what thoughts ran through your minds as you attended a wedding.As, I sat in the pews and tried to hold back my tears at these weddings, I really wondered how it all was effecting my H. We just attended the 3rd wedding this last weekend and H really didn't want to go,now I have a better understanding of why.<P>As I sat at those weddings,fighting the tears,it wasn't because my head was filled with thoughts of how my H betrayed me.My mind was filled with gratefulness,that H and I are stronger than ever,that I have a much more thoughtful and sincere H than I had before.I now have the "new and improved" H and marriage,so many of us recovering betrayeds talk about.Can it be that I just might have the A to thank for that??????? It's a strange,bittersweet kind of thankfulness.<P>I love my H,I really did forgive him,but that by no means,means I don't ever feel sad about what happened anymore.For me, the most prominent emotion that hangs around is fear,even despite H's life being an open book and him being here every spare minute he has.I just fear ever having to live through this again.H said to me last night,"I am so content these days". That went a long way in quieting my fear to hear him say those words.There was no reference to to the A, but I knew exactly what he meant.I guess what I am trying to say, is that everytime H reassures me in some small way,I take another step towards healing all the way.As long as that wound is never opened again,I know I'll be fully recovered someday soon.<P>I so totally relate to what Peppermint is saying.My 1 year d-day anniversary is quickly approaching,Sept.15th, was that horrible day.I too feel like if I can get past that day,I'll feel incredibly better.I'll feel like I've really taken my life "back" with H.It means a lot to me for some reason to get past that day.Give your H's plenty of time.<P>Don't beat yourselves up for your mistake,we all make mistakes.Sin is sin,it separates us from God AND those we really love. You're trying to make that better now,give yourselves the credit you deserve for that and just keep loving your Hs!

Mercy,<P>I just wanted to let you know that your remorse shows that you are really on your way to recovery. It is when we are faced with the full picture and effects of our sin that we can truly appreciate the grace of God. <P>I see that you are no longer under any illusions about your mistake being good or positive. I really admire you for admitting that you have made a mistake and you want to heal. God has told us that His strength is made perfect in our weakness.<P>May the Lord Bless You and Keep You, <BR>John

Mercy,<P>I really have no business replying to this post, but I have been following your story since you first came here. Somehow I feel compeled to respond. <P>It seems to me you are now in the learning phase of recovery. You are learning the cost of what you chose to do. You are learning the pain of it. But you are learning about the strength of your marriage. <P>You are barely into the real recovery phase now. Only 4 months since you committed to your marriage. Your affair stretched over 2 years. This is a short time in the recovery phase. But despite all of the pain and remorse you two are still married. You are trying and your H is trying. Now ask yourself, in all honesty did you think your H would have survived what has been done? Did you think you could get back to your marriage as you have done?<P>You mentioned the vow: through sickness and health. Well, you two are going through the sickness part and you are making it. It is hard and your H's analogy to how he feels is probably very accurate, but he is still there.<P>Mercy and Dawnn I have never been in your shoes nor your H's. I came to this board for different reasons, but I have learned a lot here and I have learned alot from life. I am alot older than most of the posters here.<P>I know this about life, if you make the best decisions you can at every juncture in life you will have few regrets. If you treat the people in your life as well as you can you can survive many things as we all must: loss of parents, brothers, sisters, even children.<P>So many things happen in life that are not what we want, but you deal with them honestly and as best you can. You are in that situation now. Your old marriage died, but you are starting a new one, yes with baggage but new never the less. Your H's will heal, you will heal, and if you pay attention and make the best decisions you can you will heal together.<P>Mercy, you have a long way to go. But not just in recovery. You can expect to be married a long time, this is one small item in the events of your life. Your H will learn to trust again, but never blindly. You may come to realize that you enjoy the attention you get because he wants to be around you, know what you have been doing, what you have been thinking. Right now it seems as if he is spying on you, but the successful married couples I know constantly keep tabs on their spouse. Out of interest and need to know. Mercy, view your H's lack of trust as a manifestation of his love. He doesn't want to lose you, he knows he cannot survive another round of the affair. He isn't trying to punish you, he is trying to love you and protect himself.<P>I cannot put into words what I actually feel for you two. But know this if you do your best and learn to love yourself as well as your H's, they will know. Heck they already know they want you inspite of all of this. So keep up the good work and have faith. Time will dim the pain and make the lessons more valuable to your marriage.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

mercy,<P>I am really touched by your post. If my H were more emotional and could more easily express himself, he may say the same thing. <P>Even in recovery there is a gap between the betrayed and betrayers...yet there is more than enough pain on both sides.<P>I do want my H to remember the affair and the pain in order as a barrier to ever even peeking down that road again.<P>Other than that, I don't want him to feel guilt, or failure, or like he "owes" me. <P>However, I still hurt and there are still triggers and still want assurance, so it might be easy to perceive that I want him to feel guilt.<P>My personal opinion is that once two people commit to recovery, there is only so much that they can do to "help" each other heal from the affair. Of course you can hurt your recovery with LB's, etc...but there is pain on both sides that just needs to heal, and healing is a personal journey.<P>I can understand that from a truly remorseful betrayer's standpoint, it could be excruitiating to know the affair caused the pain and now you can't just take it away. I know you would if you could.<P>But you can't. Once a betrayed person makes the decision to stay in the marriage, I think they also need to make the commitment to work toward healing and work toward forgiveness. It is a long hard process, and it is great to have loving support, but it is a personal journey.<P>Through MB concepts BOTH of you can build the framework that healing, recovery and rebuilding can take place and thrive. That's the good news. What you need to accept is you can't "make" anyone do or feel anything...even with the best intentions. And although your spouse can make a commitment to heal and forgive, then do the actions to make healing and forgiving possible, he can't shut off how he feels, either.<P>It is long, it is tough, but it is possible. Really, it is.<P>

Mercy-<P>I was the betrayed. H and I have three weddings this summer, one of which our daughter will be in. We attended the first one just two weeks ago. I was doing just fine. In fact I was so excited because the bride was going to ride her horse in to the beginning of the aisle. As the music started playing the wedding march and the bride was walking down the aisle my H squeezed my leg. I knew he was feeling thiungs just as I was. I had to hold my breath to keep from crying.<P>H and I were married at the courthouse 11 1/2 years ago. I am not one for big weddings as I get too nervous to be in front of a crowd. I heard every word the minister said and I wanted to just cry. I wondered if the two getting married had any clue how hard it is to keep a marriage alive. How hard it is to make a marriage survive so many bumps along the way.<P>And I wished so bad H and I could start over and have a much better affair free marraige for the rest of our lives.<P>H and I do not fight. H and I have so many of the same interests, likes and dislikes. We often finish each others sentences.<P>I was so happy for the couple being married and yet so sad for what happened to us.<P>We are very into recovery and have been since about 5 months after D-Day.<P>But yes our marriage is tarnished and yes I am sure we will for a long time remember these bad days.<P>The bright side is we have survived. WE are in love and from the biggest mistake in the world came a better understanding of our lives together.<P>Would this have happened had H not had an affair? I doubt it.<P>You don't need to feel down on yourself. I am sure your H is aware of your pain as well as I am aware of my H's pain. Just because it is a different kind of pain doesn't mean you don't hurt to.<P>In fact-I am thankful it was my H and not myself.<P>Hang in there mercy-we are with you.<P>You will survive <P>------------------<BR>*heartache*<BR>"Loyalty Is A Two Way Street"<BR>

Mercy,<P>(((((((((((((MERCY))))))))))))))))))<P>Honey! You know, I know what your feeling like right now. I sont know what the deal is here. My aunt died 2 weeks ago. So that has been a problem for me. Then the part week OM comes creeping in this corrupt mind..... <BR>I to get so down and aggravated. yesterday, I was riding down the road. I thought why not just shoot myself. I have tried here with this marriage. I just expect to much I guess.. I want H and I to love again. I dont want to think about OM. I drove by his house today. LIKE A FREAK!!!!!!!! I feel so weak. <P>I am now at the revenge stage! I want OM W to know about this. I am just rpaying that all this goes away. I just feel like I am struggling so hard to get through this. And OM is sitting back having a peaches and cream life.... I CAN NOT BEAR THAT THOUGHT!!!<BR>To think of the time I have spent on here.<P>Sorry to take your thread. I just realized. <BR>Please understand honey! You are human. In Gods eyes. What you done is noe worse than what H done to you. SIN IS SIN! That is how I have learned to deal with it. I dont feel guilty at all. nor to sound mean about it. I just finally come to understand. Plus on occasion as you know I still want OM.<P>Someone told me that you went through the revenge stage... I AM THERE WIDE OPEN!!!!<P>Im praying for you honey! remember go to Gods word. This is just satan tugging at your shirt tail trying to turn you back to him.<P>Take Care<BR>Renee<BR><P>------------------<BR>We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!

I just wanted to pop in and check on you.<P>I am here with ya!<P>Prayers<BR>Renee<P>------------------<BR>We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!

This is the first I have had to get back here.<P>***********THANK YOU************** ALL OF YOU for all of your love and advice.<P>There are just days I have a hard time dealing with all that is going on around me.<P>I needed to hear all of what you said. No I quit coming here because I THOUGHT I didn't need anything from here anymore.. But you are right Peppermint....the "honeymoon" is over. But.. with all things hard earned there is great pride. And you are right about him loving me so much he could not stand the pain of another affair-"Out of interest and need to know. Mercy, view your H's lack of trust as a manifestation of his love. He doesn't want to lose you, he knows he cannot survive another round of the affair. He isn't trying to punish you, he is trying to love you and protect himself." I had not thought of that in this manner Just learning.<P>I do not have alot of time this morning.. but Let me tell everyone of you who took the time to give me encouragement.. I appreciate it. My remorse is deep. my love is deep. my faith is deep.. "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me" Phil 4:13.. <P>Love toyou all.. I willbe back..<P>mercy <P>

Mercy,<P>I know what you mean about thinking you dont need this anymore. I use to think the same thing. <P>I am the same way. I have great weeks. Then BOMB a bad one. This is finally starting to go away. THANK YOU LORD!!<P>Remember to go to Gods word for encouragment. That is where you will find the strength. Although we are forgiven for what we have done. He told David that the wrath would still be on his house. That is what I try to keep in my mind. Another words we are going to have to live with it. God forgiving us is easy. He is so loving. Us forgiving us is the hard part!!<P>Take Care Lady<BR>Renee