I haven't posted much since my first discovery of this site. While it was helpful at first to see that others were going through similar things, it was frustrating not getting any real answers. Plus I feel totally unable to give others any help.<P>However, I need some encouragement right now. To recap: discovered two months ago that H of 14 years was having EA/PA with married coworker and had discussed how they could be together for rest of their lives. H is confused, cares for me and our son and "wants to do right thing" but feels extremely drawn to OW. After three weeks "decided" to be with her. H seemed more depressed than ever. Put on brakes. Decided H would move out for period of six months to figure things out. Due to his depression and family feelings arranges for apartment starting Aug 1st.<P>H won't break off with OW but we have discussed Harley's book and he sees possibility of staying with me for our son and for friendship. <P>Now OW unsure whether she wants to disturb her family to be with my H. This sends H into horrible depression. He makes it through worst day. We are talking. I'm feeling close to him. He has lunch with OW and comes back saying it was awkward. He thinks he wants to be with me. Next day he's back to being confused. Says he just doesn't love me with a passionate kind of love. Sex was a problem and I am committed to working on it. We have had sex more since this has happened than we had been before. But I find out it's just not what he thinks it should be. He keeps wondering if it would work to stay together if all that was between us was a good friendship. <P>I am very hurt by this. I know that he is still somewhat in the fog of his feelings for OW. Will they every die though if the affair is not allowed to die a natural death but is cut off by one or the other? Can he regain feelings for me which he questions now if they ever existed? Can I settle for this? <P>He has started seeing a counselor and the first week she said the apartment was a good idea. However, when he went yesterday she felt he was not in a "good place" to be by himself. She didn't think he should be alone right now. He is going to go ahead and pay for the apartment so he doesn't lose it, but stay here. I've been plan A-ing away, but it's so hard. When he says that the sex just doesn't have that something I am so hurt and I am mad. <P>I have to go pick up my son from sports camp. I just don't know how to continue like this. Also, H has said he shouldn't be talking to me since he is confused and says things that hurt me as well as get my hopes up unrealistically. That will be even more difficult. And yet he can't be alone right now. <P>How do you maintain hope with nothing in return from the WS? I can do it short term, but am feeling very weak now.<P>MCMP

You say your H is in counseling...<BR>...and that is good...<P>Now maybe consider it for yourself....<BR>I would recommend that you have a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> (~$95US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A> (888-639-1639)!<P>You may be needing "professional direction"...<BR>Specifics of what to do next...<BR>What marital skills to work on...<BR>Perhaps even a reference to a"sex therapist".<P>For moral support (not professional counseling)... this is the place to be...<P>Check out my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000013.html" TARGET=_blank>Notable Posts/Threads</A> post ... for some inspiration.<P> <P>Jim

MCMP,<P>If you discovered the affair only two months ago, that is not a very long time. I'm not sure how long your H and the OW were having their affair, but it sounds to me as though it's in that "in-between" stage - between still brand spanking new and the stage where reality sets in and the OW is starting to think about what she is really giving up. But it sounds from what you are saying that your H is not at that place yet. <P>I don't know what the outcome of your marriage will be, but if it's only been two months, I urge you to hang in there for a while longer and do Plan A. He has not moved in with her, they do not have set-in-stone plans, and it sounds as though things are winding down to a close, from her angle. <P>It is the hardest thing in the world to watch the person who you love and are still in love with go through withdrawal symptoms from someone he "loved" and was "in love" with. I know that. There will be rocky times ahead, no doubt, and it takes a certain amount of resolve and patience to be with someone until he gets out of that "fog" and comes back to you. But until his mind is cleared of her, he cannot possibly know, nor can you, what your marriage will be like. It could end up for the better, you never know! <P>You are in my prayers and thoughts. I know this cannot be very easy. Blessings,<P>belld

Boy, thanks for all the quick replies. I am back from picking up my son.<P>I do have an appointment with a counselor for next week. Intellectually I know this will all take time. It's the day to day living with it that's so hard. I want results quickly!<P>Also, our pastor and my H's counselor seem to disagree vehemently with some of Harley's ideas. The counselor thought the idea of complete honesty was very wrong. Our pastor thought the idea of giving up privacy for the marriage was wrong. So H right now doesn't agree with a lot of these ideas. And I feel it is perhaps unwise to put all my eggs in Harley's basket, so to speak.<P>My H's affair probably lasted about 3-4 months prior to D-day, but it was a long work friendship before that (8 years of working together). <P>My H questions whether we should stay together even if he doesn't end up with OW. I do keep telling myself that once these feelings fade for him, only then will we really have the chance to work on our marriage. And surely if she removes herself from the picture, my H will at least give us a chance.<P>Also, does it matter if it's OW that ends affair and not my H in how he will feel and withdrawal etc? She hasn't made that decision yet though. And even if she "decides" that now, what's to prevent her from changing her mind down the road? She has definitely said it would be for her kids and not for her H. <P>My H's counselor wants him to get on some medication quickly. She recommended Zan..something. An immediate acting anxiety medication I think. What are others experiences with how WS acts and feels on antidepressant medication? Can we reach recovery more quickly? <P>Thanks

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by mcmp:<BR><B><BR>My H's counselor wants him to get on some medication quickly. She recommended Zan..something. An immediate acting anxiety medication I think. What are others experiences with how WS acts and feels on antidepressant medication? Can we reach recovery more quickly? <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>The Zan..something drug for anxiety is probably Xanax. I have a prescription and take it occasionally. It is a fast acting medication intended to suppress feelings of anxiety and it works great for me. It is most definitely not an antidepressant, though.<P>Antidepressants are good tools, but it can sometimes take a long time to find the right medication at the right dosage. As to your specific question about how the WS acts while taking antidepressants, I would think that it would only help.<P>Slightly Sane<BR>

Hi MCMP:<P>Yes, this is hard. But right now while your H is in his most confused state, you need faith to carry you through. And faith is a hard thing to come by if you listen to too many different ideas and try to impliment them all. You need something to work right away...but nothing seems to make any difference...but that's because part of what needs to happen is not in your control.<P>While your H is going through this confusion, step back a little and take some time for yourself to decide what you feel is best. Do some reading if you haven't already, on the MB board and in the books that you see recommended here.<P>He's right when he says he doesn't need to talk to you because he'll hurt you right now. I've been through that and have come to realize that you cannot take what is being said by your H as the absolute truth (not to imply that he's lieing...he really believes what he is saying). <P>It's filtered through the rose-colored glasses he is wearing right now in which he sees all good from affair with OW or leaving the marraige and all bad with marriage. No marriage is all bad or affair all good.<P>If you come to this board looking for advise you have to realize each of us will give you advise based on his own experiences. But if you will examine the board you will notice how the actions implimented at the suggestion of MBers usually give good results.<P>Time is an important element here...that point must be learned...this is going to take time. But it took time to get to this point in your marriage and it will take time to undue the damage that has been done.<P>I hope you'll take Jim's (NCR) and stay and learn a little more. Maybe there is help for you here after all.<P>Buffy<P>

There definitely has been some help for me here. <P>My H is a very intelligent and thoughtful man. He truly believes that this love for OW is deeper than anything he's ever experienced, and part of me believes him. I feel that if he had met her first they could have had a good marriage. <P>However, my H is at least considering the possibility that for our child and our friendship it would be right to stay with me. I'm questioning if that is enough for me. He has said lately that he's feeling very "beaten down" and may give up on OW just from exhaustion of thinking about the situation. I'm afraid he'll resent me for giving this up. If it's not a voluntary decision on his part can recovery take place?<P>I am going to keep trying. We are going out for dinner alone tonight. I just need to persevere. From reading posts, I know that this is difficult for everyone. Thanks for the encouragement. I'll keep you all posted.

mcmp.......<P>I too wonder how recovery might turn out if my spouse gave up the OM voluntarily rather than waiting for the OM to break off the affair. It seems to me that her making the commitment to stay and try to work things out would have a greater chance of success. What happens down stream, after her withdrawal, if the OM chances a contact? I'd be more likely to think that she might just fall off the wagon and contact him again. <P>I hope your husband will think of it more positively and not see ending his affair as resignation to stay with his family. After all, he does have a choice. At least if he stays, that gives you a significantly better chance of meeting his EN's and he, yours. <P>I hope you're successful.<P>Tom