I really need advice regarding my H's birthday which is on Sunday. I have had no contact with him since last Thursday. He has called at the house when I was not there and left me money which he normally does on a Friday. <P>I am in Plan B as every attempt at Plan A was thwarted by him as an effort to trap him back into our 28 year marriage. After he told my friend last week that he was happier away from me and that he did not need someone to tell him how to live his life and what he could and could not do, I thought the only way to save the feelings that I had left was to let him go completely. Plan B.<P>Well, my question is Do I phone him and wish him Happy Birthday or do I let it slip past as if he doesn't exist. He has continually said that he does not need a family at the moment and he prefers to be single. Then he tells me how good a wife I was to him and how hardworking I have always been. That I am a great mum and yadeyadeda. When he gives me money he always says things like, I'll get it all back someday. I just could not take him going from I miss you to I am glad we are apart. I do not know what to do.<P>My instinct says: Do nothing. My heart says: You have been this man's partner for 28 years can you let it just go as if he does not exist. I love him and want him to come home but I feel he needs lots of space to sort himself out and I do not want to interfere in that process.<P>Can anyone advise me. I will be off line for two days, so a speedy response would be greatly appreciated.<P>FET <P><BR>

Yes, call him. It is always nice to be nice. What could it hurt? You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar. You still love him, so show it.<P>Same deal for me Valentine's Day '99. (I wasn't in "recovery." I did not know about EA at this point. Very blind.) I stressed about calling. Why wasn't he calling me? Oh, boo-hoo! I decided not to and took the kids out bowling to get my mind off it.<P>Knowing what I know now, it would have been so rewarding to call--I would have gotten him out of bed to answer the phone. I wonder how well he could make love to another woman on Valentine's Day when he had gotten a big fat phonecall from his wife and kids to spoil the romantic mood. (Sorry--just venting.)<P>But, yes, call. 28 years is too much to throw away to be indignant for one day.

And how old did you say this guy was?<P>Wow, sounds like my teenagers when they were feeling their oats. MLC, huh, maybe.<P>Plan B is no contact...even for birthdays!!!<BR>Do you really think he'll care? Is it a big deal to him? If it is then maybe an impersonal card would still be appropriate...by snail mail or e-mail, of course...no telephone calls or personal delivery...if you have kids make sure they remember his birthday.<P>If it isn't important to him, then forget it.<P>This way you still imply that you care but you haven't invested any real effort into it as you usually would...just a card to let him know you are thinking of him...but not too much.<P>Buffy<BR>

Thank you for your responses.<P>My H will be 48 on his birthday. We have been together since he was 20 and I was 17. We will be married 27years in December. <P>He is hanging out with guys between 32 to 36 and none of them are in committed relationships. He is into partying. Neither my husband or I look our age. It has always been a standing joke with our friends as we look young and our kids are 26 and 23. We have both kept our shape and are well groomed and dress fashionably.<P>I think the card idea would be most appropriate for me. I feel contacting him would make me feel uncomfortable and I don't want to feel any worse than I already do.<P>Thank you again.<P>FET