I'm just wondering. My H seemed to just give her up so easily, without a fight. He says he is not talking to her anymore, although I have no proof of that. He has changed all his email account passwords, and told me he cannot delete them, they just have to die due to inactivity, but he is not using them.<P>I haven't really seen him grieve the loss of the relationship as the book suggests. Does that mean he wasn't that attached to her or does that mean that it really isn't over?? He isn't spending late nights at work anymore, so I know he's not online chatting for hours with her anymore, but he still could talk to her on the phone or email her and I would never know.<P>Do I just hang back and wait? I can't press him without proof or he'll flip. I just have this gut feeling that she's not gone. Do all betrayors go through withdrawal??

I hate to be the bearer of unpleasant tidings, but my guess is that while he is not talking to her as much, he probably is talking to her occasionally. My H, when he moved back in the second time, told me that there was no contact. There was. Plenty of it. He waited until he was in the car and talked to her on the car phone. He got a private P.O. box, and she sent him mail there. Until I started checking the call history on his cell phone, I had NO CLUE. I asked him if it was over, he said yes. Asked if they were still in communication. He said no. I had to lull him into a false sense of security before I went around snooping, though. If I would have acted suspicious, that would have driven them deeper underground. I'm sure that H would have been deleting the call history with dispatch, too, if he thought that I suspected.<P>The quickest way to find out is to behave in a completely trusting way. Sad to say, but betrayers always let down their guard if they are still having contact with the OP. <P>belld

I am with Bell on this one. H swore it was over just like that after 4 years. But he would meet her for lunch during work hours, she would leave a code in his pager so that he could call her, etc. They say that it usually doesn't end until about 3-6 months after full discovery. And it did end about 2 months afterwards, when she gave him an ultimatum. I would love to say they no longer have contact, but I never say never anymore. But what I have learned is that I can't control what he does. I can only control what I do and I make sure that we have a life together that he wants to come home to. It's been 2 years and I am happy to report we are doing great. His actions and words show how much he wants our marriage and life together. If someday down the road, he seeks something else, I will try my best to remember that I put in the work, and did my part to make our life together a happy one so if he messes that up, it was on HIM and I am not to blame. Basically, just Plan A and Plan A. Let him see what he would be missing or loosing if he does betray you again.

No contact is good contact. No lie is acceptable.<P>However, I do think it matters if he IS in contact with her, what his motivation is.<P>If he is trying to be a "nice guy" and let her down easy, or if he is interested in what happens to her even if he is no longer interested IN her, it a whole different situation than if he is in contact to maintain the relationship.<P>Sometimes it takes time to break the connection.<P>I don't think my H even liked the OW by the time I discovered, but still kept phone contact for several more weeks.<P>I hate that he did it, but I realize that it was exit type contact, not hot and heavy stuff.

No contact is good contact. No lie is acceptable.<P>However, I do think it matters if he IS in contact with her, what his motivation is.<P>If he is trying to be a "nice guy" and let her down easy, or if he is interested in what happens to her even if he is no longer interested IN her, it a whole different situation than if he is in contact to maintain the relationship.<P>Sometimes it takes time to break the connection.<P>I don't think my H even liked the OW by the time I discovered, but still kept phone contact for several more weeks.<P>I hate that he did it, but I realize that it was exit type contact, not hot and heavy stuff.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by adamanteve:<BR><B>My H seemed to just give her up so easily, without a fight. <P>I haven't really seen him grieve the loss of the relationship as the book suggests. Does that mean he wasn't that attached to her or does that mean that it really isn't over?? <P>Do I just hang back and wait? </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>After my D-Day my W told me her and OM had met and agreed to break it off completely. OM left town for a two week vaction shortly after that. During that time life was pretty tense but we had our best discussions over how we got here, where we might be going and what we could do and she actually was responsive to my touch, etc. <BR>Shortly after he got back into town W seemed happier and I thought maybe ready to move on, but within a week she asked me what I expected to happen and when I told her I was hopefull we could build a much stronger marriage than ever before, she told me she would not let the OM go from her heart and to back off. That is when the real roller Coaster started, she stopped telling me where she was going or what she was doing and even though she avoided the obvious places he would be, she suddenly needed to go out for stuff at strange hours and started getting very defensive about her car and cell phone. Anyway after a while the guilt got to her and she told me "I still talk to him on the phone you know" I told her I figured as much and let it go, the more she saw I wasn't watching the bolder she has gotten and the more complicated the stories. I believe they now see each other at least 3 times a week maybe more. It's actually funny for me to watch the woman who once would not leave her child alone for 5 Minutes now leave him alone for 5-6 hours and who used to find my phone calls to her every 2 or 3 hours endearing has not labeled them "controling and untrustworthy" <P>I know this is long, but if you hang back a little you will get a chance to find out. I made my final conclusion when I went by her office to suprise her and found a note from OM on her car, I read the note which referenced many meetings they had, then just left the note there and went back to work without seeing her. I never have confronted her because it would just drive her away.<P>Follow Plan A, create a wonderful safe enviroment with no LBs. Keep in mind Plan A is as much for you as for him, take care of yourself. When his A dies you will be in the best position to be there for him, I know it isn't easy I don't know anyway to force our WS to come around. And if you hang back and he really has left OW you will not have further depleted the Love Bank.<BR>Fixer95<BR>

I believe my husband did stop all contact immediately and he did not go through any withdrawal. That almost makes it worse for me--he was willing to give up his family and me for nothing! What a pathetic way to try to deal with his problems, instead of being a man and confronting them with his wife.

I'm really sorry for you. I am with most others here on this, due to what happened to me. When I found out about the affair, I wondered the same thing you are. No withdrawal, said it was over, was coming home earlier, all the same things you mentioned with the e-mail etc., yet he was still distant and somehow phony. Well, it wasn't over. He tried 3 times after that to convince me it was, and each time I found out it wasn't. She had gotten an apt. close to work so they could meet at lunch and right after work quickly. They become masters of deceit. Literally masters, incredibly sneaky and almost convincing. I hate to say that to you.<P>Mine left me in February and moved in with her. Denied it the whole time. We are heading into divorce now. Told his mother again recently he wasn't seeing her or anyone anymore. I guess that means it's over now for the fourth time. But today, I found out, they took off on a 2-week vacation to somewhere (her voice mail at work gave them away, after he had told me he wouldn't be able to see the boys for a few weeks because he had to "travel".)<P>Maybe not in all cases, but if you have bought all the books and educated yourself on how these things go (which most of us here have), affairs usually follow a stereo-typical set pattern and if you don't see what you should be seeing, they are probably trying to put something over on you.<P>I sorry. It hurts so much to even remember when all that was happening to me. It was a lifetime ago. I fought for the marriage. But it was a surprising relief when he left. Now it's an ugly divorce. Now I have this woman of incredible audacity about to be in my children's lives whether I like it or not. But with God's help, my children and I are going to be ok. (I think).<P>God bless, Kathy

I also think it depends on what the A consisted of. H had a one week fling where he saw her once and kissed. So,of course he didnt have withdrawel <P>I would also think if an A was just sex,no emotional connection,there might not be withdrawel either. I dont know LOL