I have been with a woman for a little over two years (she is now my wife). About a year and a half ago I had an affair with an older woman. I lied about it, but didn't "cover my tracks" so well. My wife found out about it on her own after finding some old emails. This hurt her very deeply. And I love her will all my heart, body, and soul. I've assured her time after time that it will never happen again. Sworn up and down- promise after promise. Yet, she still doesn't believe me. She's always worried that I'm cheating on her. Always brings it up when we get in a fight. And quite frankly I'm tired of being accused all of the time. I've asked her time and time again how to make it up to her, and she says I have to earn back her trust. HOW? Any suggestions?

Hi Dread54 -<P>Welcome to MB!!! I am sorry that it took this long for someone to respond to you, it's the weekend and things can get pretty slow around here. More people will be along once the work week starts.<P>There is a wonderful "Welcome" thread by NSR on the "Just Found Out" board that is very informative about this site and it's principles and has links to just about everything that can help you understand the dynamics of infidelity and what you can do to begin helping your Wife (and yourself) through this. <BR> <BR>PLEASE go and read everything - this will help you tremendously.....<P>You were a little vague in your post, so I have some questions that will help us to help you.....<P>How long have you been married? <P>When did your wife discover the emails?<P>What did you tell her as to WHY you had the affair? Do you even know yourself?<P>Why did you not tell her about it? How is your communication with your wife - then and now?<P>From what you did relate to us, I can only be somewhat general in my response to you for now.<P>This affair is "old" to YOU.....but not to your Wife. It is as if you just did it as far as her emotional pain is concerned. Also, there could be the added factor that her whole life with you has been a lie.......<P>Not saying that it is, but that she is in extreme emotional turmoil right now and is full of self-doubts about her perception of things with you.<P>These are perfectly understandable and if the roles were reversed, I am sure that you would be feeling the same way that she is.......keep that in mind when you feel "tired of being accused all the time." It will help you to stay on course.<P>Her world is topsy-turvy.....when lies are discovered, especially such an intimate one, it is natural to wonder what else is lied about.....<P>The "trust" can come back.....actually it can be recreated on a more mature level......IF YOU do your part to make it happen.<P>It is through your attitude, understanding and actions that this will occur.<P>Like I said, READ Dr Harley's information on this site. There are some great books recommended around here also (more links on NSR's Welcome thread). <P>This process is going to take some time, So get your "patence" all geared up!!<BR>Your Wife will need reassurance about your love for her - both in words and actions, accountability for your time, the answer of WHY it happened, and to feel that her pain is validated by you - that it is important.<P>The biggest thing for you right now is to understand what the infidelity process entails......that's why I say to read about it. If you don't understand what she is going through and stay in the getting tired or a defensive/resentment way of thinking, this will drag on and on. It is YOU who can begin this healing!!!<P>The better a job you do, the faster the new "trust" will reoccur.<P>We are all here to help you on this....<P>Oh and don't forget to let us know the answers to the questions I asked, that will give us a better understanding of where you both are in this "process".<P>BIG HUGS and buckle up for the ride, hopefully, you will be able to make it a short one,<P>Sheba

Hi Dread,<P>Sheba was pretty thorough in her advice so there is little to add. A couple of thoughts. Be as open and accountable as you can. No unexplained absences, be where you say you will be when you say you will be there. Read some of the posts here to get a better idea of how the betrayed spouse feels. Ask your wife what you can do to rebuild the trust, then try to do it even if it seems silly to you.<P>Take care and good luck.

Your W has been through a huge trauma. You have to understand that it takes a long time to really get over this. For the first 3 months after my H's affair I was hypervigilant. 5 minutes late from work, I panicked. I constantly snooped in his stuff, checked cell phone etc. He was very understanding when he caught me, realized I had every right to check up on him. Try to be understanding. The more you prove yourself trustworthy the more your W can relax. No unexpaloned absences, she should be able to reach you at all times etc. Yes, it's a price to pay for what you did. Trust me, it's nothing like the price of the agony the betrayed spouse has had to endure.Give her time.

Dear Dread54,<P> Kudos to you for coming here and asking for help. Many WS just want these things to go away, and think they will by ignoring them.<P> I wanted to add some to the advice already given. Along with no unexplained absences...<BR> No secret passwords.<BR> No secret cell phone bills.<BR> No minimizing the computer screen, when she enters the room.<P> As Sheba stated, this is old news for you... but very, very new for her. Yes, she *is* going to use it against you as long as she doesn't trust you. This is a sad fact. <P> Be prepared for her to act irrationally. Be prepared for her to be incredibly furious with you. Be prepared for unexpected bouts of tears.<P> I truely think that you are to be commended for coming here. You seem to really want your wife's trust back. I think that you will eventually succeed. As long as you know what to expect, and some of what to do, you stand a very good chance at rebuilding your marriage. <P> Bless you and good luck. <BR> Mynabird<P> PS... You might want to bring her to this site. It is a wonderful place for people who are hurting. Post together and read the MB principles (support and info). I feel that would help to bring you two closer together. M

Just read a thread that you *have* to read... "How it feels to be betrayed" by Peppermint.<BR> <BR> Her H replied. They are in recovery, now. I think that you could learn a lot about what your wife is going through. I also think that you may be able to relate to Firestorm( Peppermint's H). Go, read it! <BR> Mynabird

Hi I did not bother reading the other replys so excuse me if this is a repeat. As a wife who has been cheated on It takes time to rebuild the trust. The best thing for my husband to do was not get mad when I asked questions, answer questions honestly, show all phone records (from work too) let her open all bills, e-mails etc. Whatever she needs. You may feel like a child but considering what you did, you should be able to handle it. Since this was a past thing she may not be interested in current records so if you could come up with past ones that might help to back up your story. Give her all the info she needs.<BR>Hope this helps.<BR>

<BR>Sheba,<BR>We have been married for about a year and a half. She found the emails about a month afterwards. They were old- a couple of months before the marriage, but it was also at a time when she trusted me completely, loved me completely- and it was still cheating. We had obviously made a committment to each other. She blames herself, thinks that she did something wrong for me to want to "leave her"- but it's not the case. I can't seem to say that enough to her. She asks me why, what she did wrong, and I say, "You did nothing wrong, I don't know why I did it." That is the answer that I have given her and will give her. I don't know why myself. My communication with my wife has ALWAYS been wonderful, she is interested in what I have to say, my thoughts, dreams, and ideas, etc. Even before marriage it was wonderful. However, after she found out- things have gone downhill. We have our good days, but the cheating issue is still here. She feels that everything was one big lie- that she never would have married me if she knew what I had done. I know I have hurt her. I don't know how to earn her trust again. I am just so tired of hearing about it- but I understand it. But just because I understand it doesn't mean that I don't get frustrated. More so with myself for bringing this into our lives, than with her. If that weren't bad enough, the woman that I had an affair with has tried contacting me again, via phone, email, and snail mail. My wife of course found out. We have no secrets now. We share passwords, etc. It's just one big mess, that I wish I could erase. She is also hurt because the woman that I had an affair with is 20 years older than she is, so it really lowered her self esteem.<BR>One more thing, she says that she needs to know why. Why does she need to know? She insists that it will make things just a little bit better just to have an explanation- to understand how I could have hurt her.. but I don't know what to say? I don't know myself.

I found out about my H's affair in about the same way--oh, I had tons of clues, and lots of suspicions, but I finally discovered the whole truth in writing. I found his chat one day while I was getting the PC fixed. And that was a hard truth to swallow. Because I knew everything--I didn't have to guess. Nothing left to the imagination.<P>When I found it, I read a little. Then, I started to cry. My little boy came running into the room and said "Mommy, you sound like a coyote howling!" (He was giggling, he thought I was playing around, the horrible way that I was crying.) That moment, I experienced the most intense negative emotion that I have ever felt in my life. It hurts so bad! So imagine what your wife felt at that moment when she discovered.<P>Try to empathize with her. What I like to do is try to project my own self into the other person's position and see how I would feel were I the one that had to respond to my own words and actions. How would I respond to things that I had done? Would I sound sincere in apologizing? Would the things that I do convince ME that I would not cause anymore pain?<P>Sometimes I stop and say "Mary, that was an insensitive thing to say to that person," or "You should say you're sorry if you want that person to be friends with you still" because I have tried to put myself in the other guy's shoes to try to guess what he was thinking about me.<P>You know what? Write her a letter if you can't say it in words. . .I am not a person that can communicate well verbally (I am a rare girl who does not need conversation to meet my emotional needs.) A letter, enclosed with flowers, might break the ice. . .couldn't hurt!

double post<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Genie29 (edited August 03, 2000).]

Dread54,<BR>I know exactly how your wife feels.... for me it is something that I think I will always fear. In my case, I felt as if I was less a woman b/c I seemed to be so easily replaced. There is real truth in the old saying that you can forgive but you can't forget!!!<BR>This sort of thing leaves you will scars that unfortunatly seem to re-opened whenever there is something that triggers a memory.<BR>I know that it is difficult to have something thrown up over and over again but I hope that you can understand that it just takes time and usually alot of it. <BR>There are times that I just need re-encouragement, re-assurance to cancel out those feelings of being inadequate. Also, whenever my H becomes pre-occupied with this or that, I start to feel insecure, I can't help but wonder what is in the deepest parts of his thoughts, hear and soul. Is it me or is it someone else? Does he ever miss her? Does he ever regret being back with me? Does he ever wish that we didn't get back together? All of these things can really take its toll on you believe me. It is something that I myself have to fight with on occasion.<BR>When this happens, I seem to need that reassurance that I am the only woman in the world for him. Us girls, grew up on fairy tales and although life is not a fairy tale and it is very unrealistic to think it is, that is still the way many of us women have been programmed since childhood. I don't think that there is one of us that at one time or another doesn't want to feel Cinderella and have our H's be our Prince Charmings.<P>Having said that here is my suggestion to you. Whenever I feel like my H has me on his mind I feel good about "US". I would try to reassure her with some of the little things. Here are a few examples for you...<P>1. A little I love you written on the bathroom mirror so that she will see it after she gets out of the shower from the steam.<P>2. A little note left in the morning just to say I love you.<P>3. Bring her some flowers or even 1 rose for the 1 and only woman in your life... just because. {Its always a real treat to get some at work too, makes you feel real special and everyone else is always very envious too} <P>4. Surprise her with a little suspence and romance. Tell her to wear something special that you are on your way. <P>5. Love should be fun... spice it up a little. Have fun... do something unexpected. Put a little effort in it. Most of the time when we see that our H's have gone out of their way to do something special for us... it counts alot.<P>All of this = <B>LOVE UNITS</B>It has always been the little things and the time and attention shown that made my heart overflow. If she knows that you are concentrating your efforts on her then she will also know that you don't have time for anyone else and that will help build your love and trust back.<P>Most fellas do a great job at wooing us when we are dating... that is what played a big part of us falling in love in the first place. The only problem is most of the time it seems that once you get married or soon after it stops or at least is much less frequent.<P>If you woo to fall in love.... Keep wooing to stay in love. <BR> <P>Hope this helped,<BR>Genie<BR>

Any more comments???

dread54<P>I just thought I would jump in here. I am also the betrayer. I had a one night stand a little over two years ago and it hurt my H when he found out. He also found out on his own and months after it had actually happened. We were separated at the time of the PA.<P>After reading one of your posts you wanted to know why your wife wanted an explaination as to why you had the affair. My H was/is the same way. He wanted to know why I had the affair, what I was thinking, what lead up to the actual incident. I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to give him all the answers he wanted. I have answered most of the questions but not all. After posting another topic I realize that I need to answer everything as honestly and openly as I can.<P>I realized that if I don't answer all of his questions, we will never fully recover. It will probably always be in the back of his mind. He may think that I'm doing something I shouldn't if I wave to another guy but that I something I may have to live with. I realized that I hurt him deeply and he has every reason to doubt me sometimes. All I can say is do your best to answer her questions. It's the best thing you can do. Answer her questions and let her know that you love her. It's not an easy or short process but it will get better as time goes on.

dread54 -- This is a thread I feel compelled to respond to. I am very much in your W's position. I was betrayed by my W (see hopeful1771's reply above) and have fought through this for a very long time now.<P>In fact, my W recently posted a thread which talks about this very same subject. check out <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/004494.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/004494.html</A> for some insight.<P>With that out of the way, I need to get onto my soap box for a minute. Please accept my apology up front should I offend you.<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>quite frankly I'm tired of being accused all of the time<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>This is something that many betrayers say here using almost in the exact same words. Each time I see them, I get infuriated. You (the betrayers) go out and do whatever they damn well please, then when they get caught they want everythign to simply disappear. Well, I'm sorry, but things don't simply disappear. The harm has been done, and there are prices which must be paid. Until both partners (betrayed and betrayer) reach the point in recovery where they can truly begin to put things in the past and try to forget them, the betrayer has absolutely no right to be indignant when their partner is hurt and mistrusting.<P>As Sheba told you in her response, For you this is all ancient historty. . .for you W it may as well have happened yesterday. If I read your replies correctly you had several months to put this behind you before your W found out. In my case it was about a year after the fact. My wife has had a year head start on me.<P>Does this make sense?<P>Again, I want to apologize if I have offended you. Good luck in your journey on this rollercoaster. It's not a very fun ride, for anyone.<P>God Bless<BR>