Dear Friends,<P>I have finally given up the notion that my wife ever wants to reconcile. Despite her words to that effect, she continues to see the OM and lying about it. So I have drafted a letter to the OM, who I have met on 1 occasion. Please advise or recommend edits or changes!<P><BR>Dear Mr.T,<P>Congratulations! You win! I give up! You can have my wife.<P>At our first and only meeting you described yourself as an honest, ethical and moral Christian man. I think you need to reappraise yourself. How can you call yourself that when you continue to make substantial efforts to break up a marriage and a family just to satisfy your own personal lust for my wife?<P>Anyway, I know I have done everything I can to save my marriage and family and I know you have done everything you can to destroy it. Let that rest on your conscience. I hope you can live with it for the rest of your life.<P>Sincerely<P><BR>

Hi John -<P>You are angry, hurt and extremely frustrated.....<P>BIG HUGS....DEEP BREATHS!!!<P>I have to ask you John....<P>What good does this letter do? What will be gained from it?<P>THINK......this gives him power over you that comes from your own thinking!!! Is that what you want to do?<P>The only factors that concern YOUR MARRIAGE are you and your wife!!! NOT HIM......he is an escape route for her and that is all!!!!<P>Instead of wasting what little precious energy you have at the moment with venting your disgust at him.....use that energy to be the loving man you can be.<P>Reacting to your wife or fixating on any people that take up her thoughts or time is not going to improve anything...is it?<P>Of course it isn't....all that does is give your wife more reason to justify her actions. <P>DON'T play into that!!!!!<P>Calm down, decide what you want (not based on what she is doing, but what you want for your life) and work towards your goal!!!!<P>You need some emotional stability for yourself and your daughter....and even to show your wife!!!!<P>What happened with your daughter's questions? Did you discuss it with your wife yet?<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba<P><BR>

I agree with Sheba, what good will this do?<BR>I don't see any benefit and I see potential harm.<P>How about this? Write another letter, much less polite, and tell him such what a throughgoing XXX*** he is, to whatever extent your vocabulary and imagination can manage. Wax poetic, be vicious, then burn the darn thing.<P>Also I don't think you have lost yet, and sending this letter will probably not better your chances.<P>Take care.

Dear Hanora and Sheba,<P>You think I haven't already lost? She has been seeing this man since she first had an affair with beginning as far back as August 1998. It may have even been before that, that is only when I became aware of him.<P>I met him once...about 3 months ago...the day after my 40th birthday when my wife spent the night with another man...not him...and he came rampaging over to my house wanting to know where she was. She supposedly had just broken up with him (this according to her, but not according to him).<P>He wanted to know what I was doing at "her" house when she wasn't home. "Her" house was "our" home. He came over to the house to make sure I wasn't stealing from her and to find out what I was doing there.<P>We had a little heart to heart at that time when he found out about the fact that she was seeing yet another man. He claimed to be an upstanding, moral and ethical man who had no idea that my wife was still with me and that there were no divorce papers filed. He was devastated because he was head over heels in love with my wife, who had misled him as to the status of our marriage.<P>However, now, he has apparently decided to throw away his ethics in order to pursue her.<BR>She is a beautiful woman and a lot of fun to be around. And he can't stand losing her.<P>So what? I just step back...not say a word...and let him walk off without even scolding him or letting him know that he has destroyed a family (albeit with my wife's assistance)?<P>What else can I do?<BR>

John,<P>Boy, it sure would make you feel better to send him that letter, wouldn't it? I know.....right now, you have to let him know what he has done to your family, your marriage and your wife. But guess what...he knows. He just doesn't care. Your letter isn't going to make him wake up...make him see his wrongs, it is just going to make you feel better. <P>But guess what.....next week, you won't feel any differently. <P>Sure, your justifiably hurt, mad, confused and feeling the pain of losing your wife and your marriage.<P>Hey, I called the OW. 2 times. It didn't do any good. My ex still saw her as an honest, wonderful and nice person. She is married. Her husband knew nothing about any of this. Honest? No she isn't honest. Wonderful and Nice? You bet not. But to my ex, she is his world now. And they both need to discover what they have done to their families on their own. Me telling them isn't going to help.<P>Just some warning.....anything you say or do to the other person can and will be used against you in divorce and custody issues. I am living proof of it.<P>Nancy

You would be better off sending that letter to your wife than to the scumbag. Your letter would not be telling him anything that he does not know. Maybe it is time for you to face reality and move on with your life.

John -<BR>I wrote several "letters" to the OW - some with lots of anger and judgements, others open, honest, gentle. Did I ever send her one? NO! But MAN it felt good to vent and write it. I'd read it over a few times, and then - delete it when I felt I could. Very good therapy for me anyway.<BR>Don't send this letter to the OM - don't give him that power.<BR>God Bless and give you strength.<BR>Alberta

OK OK I get the picture you guys. I just wish there was some justice in all of this. Perhaps he, or her, will learn someday of the other's indiscretions and go through what I have gone through. That would be justice of a sort...although...as you have all said, "That won't help me!".<P>And for you who said, "Get a grip on reality!". I have a pretty firm grip...better than most people who skate along through life, blissfully unaware of how fortunate they are to have a loving caring spouse. Not ever knowing the blessing they have received.<P>Do you think it's because I don't have a grip on reality? What is reality? Reality is what you make out of your life, using all the bits and pieces, both good and bad, that are given to you and using them to create your own reality, whether positive or negative. Do you realize there are 6 billion human realities? The one that goes on each one of our heads as humans. Each one of us sees the world differently, no one us of yet has ever seen life through the mind of another. I have a very firm grip on the concept of reality and am aware that I can control my reality to a point, but that overlapping realities present the stage on which each and every one of us must be a part of. My role on this stage can do so much and no more, limited by what the roles of others may or may not do. There are very few absolutes in reality. In any given experiment there is a probability curve for the main activity of the experiment, with the bulk of the curve containing the vast majority of the probability outcome. All I am doing is agreeing to continue the experiment farther down the curve into the areas of lesser probability. Just in case. Just in case there is a possible solution for this experiment.<P>And how do you know that the OM is aware, in his own reality, that he is destroying a family? Is it published in a newspaper, or perhaps in a book he has never read, or a conversation he has never had? What if the reality being presented to him via his only information source in this particular experiment does not have the information of what he has really done? What if he is truly unaware that he has destroyed a family, perhaps even by mental filters which block out those thoughts. What if those filters were bypassed?<P>Well anyway, enough is enough. You guys assume he knows he has destroyed a family.<BR>How would you feel, in his shoes, if you received a card that said "Congratulations! Your continued efforts have destroyed a family! God Bless!".<P>Bye for now

John,<BR>I wrote e-mails to OW(twice), first one was telling her she should be happy that we were going to divorce.. 2nd one, very calm(I tried) and told her hope I would be the last one she had to hurt. She never replied to either of them. And I'm not regret sending them, but I didn't gain anything from it either. <P>OM knows what he's doing, and I'm sure he knows what he's doing is wrong.. So why doesn't he stop?? Well, I don't know... but for me OW doesn't care.. maybe she feels bad time to time but not bad enough to do the right thing. It's really a waste of time... because even if he replies to you, nothing makes you feel better(even if he apologizes.. maybe make you more mad). It's ok to write but I don'T think you should send it.<P>Try to focus on yourself(ok many people told me when I was so depressed and I knew I should and it was almost impossible... but I'm still saying this to you).<BR>Take care of yourself.<P>Meg

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by john1960:<BR><B>And how do you know that the OM is aware, in his own reality, that he is destroying a family?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>John....<P>I'm sorry for your pain. You sound like a nice guy put in a crappy situation.<P>I'm sort of stuck on this picture of the OM rushing to your house -- YOUR house -- demanding to know where YOUR W is, and she is out with some THIRD guy....<P>It seems to me that your problems stem not from the immoral behavior of this guy or that guy out there -- trust me, you won't shame them all into respecting your marriage vows. The problem with your marriage is that your W is breaking your marriage vows. She is the one that you should be writing a letter to.....<P>Anyway, I just wanted to express my sympathy for your pain. <P>

John,<P>Didn't the OM come over to your house looking for your W? Didn't get surprised by the fact that you weren't divorced and in fact she is sleeping with someone else? Well, if he keeps it up he will get his wish. A W that isn't faithful and he will pay and realize what he has done.<P>You don't need to worry about revenge, just do the best you can for John (that would be you). John, I would send the letter to the W and tell she wins, if you really want out of this. However, if you want to continue the battle I would not give the enemy a single piece of information. Make them earn the knowledge you have. If OM wins he'll be earning some very disappointing information don't you think?<P>Hang in there John.<P>JL