Up until recently I was not aware of the importance of vigilantly maintaining your romantic relationship. My wife recently told me that she has been getting her emotional needs met by another man for a year. I reacted swiftly by finding marriagebuilders.com and following your advice to the letter. She has not left. She has agreed to not see her exboyfriend again. But she says she feels dead inside. I have read what Dr Harley says about withdrawal as a state of marriage, withdrawal as a response to leaving a lover, and resentment, and I believe that this explains my wife's emotional deadness. Dr. Harley seems to say that if I keep meeting her emotional needs then the feeling of love will return. I want to believe that this is true because meeting her emotional needs is something I can do. But I suspect that there must be something else to be said on this issue. When I have spoken to my wife about this she brings up the case of her sister. Her sister was with her husband for ten years. She found another man to meet her emotional needs. But when she wouldn't leave her husband, her lover left her! Now she tells her husband that she hates him and that he has ruined her life by destroying her chances with her lover. Her husband is doing everything I am doing. And yet his wifes heart is as cold as ice towards him. Why aren't his deposits to her love bank accumulating? Dr. Harley says you don't have to believe it will work, have faith that it will work, or try to let it work. Simply do it, and it will work. Another case comes to mind with a male friend of mine who left his wife and daughter for his lover. His wife begged. His wife pleaded. She read self-help books. She tried. But his heart still ran for the door. Again, I *want* to believe because I need to believe. I know that without detailed information about these cases it is difficult to say what went wrong, but I also do not want to base my attempt to rescue my marriage on a theory that has so many prima facie counter-examples. I take seriously Dr. Hayley's success as a marriage counselor and respect his results. But if the process is automatic, why does it seem to fail so often?

Hi Bill and welcome!<P>I was fortunate like to you to find marriage builders early, and I can tell you this: it worked for me. My husband and I are 9 glorious months into recovery. It was A LOT of HARD work....soul-searching, bottome of the arrel, facing old hurts straight in the eye, kind of hard. <P>I encourage you to continue posting here, and read all you can. Get the books if you can, otherwise, jus read here. If you can, use Steve Harley (the good doctor's son). IMO, he is a miracle worker! He is about $75 a session for phone help, but worth it, plus easier if you have kids.<P>I feel for you, I really do! All of us here know your pain and you are in the right spot. Seems like you have been doing your homework and have a great out look on the problem. You are ready to fix the gaps in your marriage by working on yourself. Good for you.... <P>Keep us posted, keep reading, and work on plan A for as long and as hard as you can. If your wife is not ready to commmit, that is OK, just work on you and the rest will follow. Hang in there, Bill....you can do it! <BR><P>------------------<BR>You will be stronger because of this.<P>

LittleBill,<P>Welcome to the marriage builders forum.<P>A gentlman named NSR, has a beautifully laid out welcome "pack" filled with ALL the relevant info your looking for.<P>I don't have an exact answer to your question, what I can say is this. Here you will find support, advice, and guidance. I have never met as many good people in my life.<P>Back to your question, this recovery is a process, learn to trust it. There is no guarantee your marriage will work. Life isn't that way, however if you and your wife both have the desire to reconcile I believe things will work out.<P>Keep making those deposits in your wife love bank and I belive it will pay dividends, it does take time.<P>Keep coming back here and posting and replying and reading.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Welcome <B>Little Bill</B> to the Marriage Builders - Infidelity Forum.<P>The other Bill has me pegged as the Welcome Wagon... here is my spiel... although by your post I believe you've done some good upfront work.<P>The people here represent both betrayed spouses and betrayers(waywards) alike and the occasional Other Woman/Man/Person (OP/OW/OM).<BR><B>All</B> of us are really here to try and build or rebuild our marriages... and we are trying to use principles and concepts that are espoused by Dr. Willard Harley of Marriage Builders(MB).<P>You seem to have already started from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/" TARGET=_blank> Marriage Builder's Home Page</A>. That's good!<P>I think you've hit upon <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A> too. Also good.<P>Many of us need to start immediately working on our marriages and a <B>sound</B> understanding of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A> is crucial! With your W already in recovery... yes... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> is the way to go... in fact... for the rest of your marriage... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> is a way of life!<P>You've see a barrage of "terms" which you might guess the meaning of... but an alternative is to look up what they mean at this site... Words like (click on them to find out):<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html" TARGET=_blank>Giver and Taker</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>.<BR>The real learning is best aided by obtaining some of the books from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Bookstore</A>... of most important for those who have affairs in progress, or soon to be, is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley. <B>This is the 'bible' for this forum.</B><BR>Other books can be very useful as well... like <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>"His Needs, Her Needs"</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A>.<BR>There will be many other good books that the MB people will recommend... take their advice... they've been around.<P>Most of all... you will find <B>compassion</B> and <B>love</B> here. No judging... no demeaning... no malice here!<BR>Just the books and facts aren't going to get you through it all... not without <B>support</B>. That's where <B>we</B> come in! <B>We</B> care... because <B>we</B> know how it feels. Believe it... <B>You are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <BR>Come to this forum to vent... to cry... to laugh (a little)... to express your feelings... to advise others... or just to get away!<BR>You're probably going through H*!! right now... don't go it alone... remember... <B>you are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <P>We do give you help... to build back many vital aspects of your life and sanity. <P>As far as you last comment... there are no guarantees in life... marriage... jobs... or anything. Failure (full recovery of your marriage) is really from your own perspective. There <B>will</B> be people who will <B>not</B> have their marriages saved... but by coming here... they can and will improve themselves... and any possible future relationship! It's still a <B>winning</B> proposition!<P>Post... Post... Post... Reply... Reply... Reply... READ! READ! READ!<P>I've been speaking in behalf of some dear friends... as well as some complete strangers too..., when I've used <B>"we"</B>!<BR>But... if you're here... join in with them... they <B>will</B> join in with you. <P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...