H said he wanted a divorce. I am tring to cope as best as possible. (Not very well I might add) What I want and need from all of you is if you have any threads, info, own experiences, anything on subjects of rebuilding trust, forgiveness, love, respect, and reasons that because of an A, the marriage should not, and does not have to be over. Also any info on giving up the OP and things that H will go through will be helpful. I want to make my marriage work, H doesnt. I had the affair first, he found out about my affair after it was over for close to year. I did not have the courage to tell him. Everyone but H new about it and he defended me up to the end. I was pregnant with our first daughter( have another daughter from previous relationship) I was weak, stupid, full of lies. Now I have changed. The good me is back. It has been a long time coming with many personal battles I have fought. Now H will not forgive me. He left me 2 months after baby was born. I thought things were great!!!We made it!!I have his daughter, we are happy, NOT!!!!He was having an affair with someone he worked with who is also married with one child. She and her H seperated, my H left me and there you go folks. You knwo the rest. Its all my fault-I know that. I am trying desperately to save my marriage, not for me only, but for my two children. He will not give me another chance to show him I can change, and have changed. He said he cares, but doesnt want to be married to me so that he will never have to trust me again in that way. (oh god-this tears my heart out) Also the OP is a prob because while she is around he doesnt have to deal with us because she takes most of the pain away and lets him bury it deep inside where he can not feel it. I want to print this out to him when I have all the info that I think he should know about. I want him to see the pain of the betrayed and betrayer, the children, divorce will not fix this mess, and so on. Maybe if he can relate to one of you instead of me trying to tell him about all this, just maybe he will connect with something someone says and he will at least have to rethink some things about us. Please, I need all of you for this. Help me, may be some of you could also print this out for your spouses and let them read it. may be we can all help each other. List any threads, other sites, any words that you live by in this world that is no loger normal. Please just post whatever you feel. To my husband Dave when you read this remember-I DEDICATE THIS TO YOU WITH ALL MY LOVE, AND THERE IS STILL SO MUCH OF IT LEFT IN ME FOR YOU. THERE IS A SOLUTION TO EVERY PROBLEM, THE HARD PART IS FINDING IT. HONEY, I CAN HELP IF YOU WILL LET ME. I AM STILL HERE FOR YOU AND I ALWAYS WILL BE. PLEASE READ THIS AND FEEL MY LOVE FOR YOU AND REALIZE THAT THERE ARE A MILLION PEOPLE WHO GO THROUGH THIS AND COME OUT OF THE OTHER SIDE SO MUCH BETTER AND STRONGER THAN EVER. THIS IS WHAT I WANT FOR US.<P>YOUR WIFE, SUSAN

Susan:<P>I'd advise you to calm down first. I don't have much time, but my second piece of advice is to order Harley's book "Surviving an Affair", and start reading on it. You'll want to be in a "Plan A" mode, so you'll need to learn what that means (NSR---aka Jim has some good posts on that).<P>You know how insane you were while you were having the affair??? Why should your husband be any different? I would be consistant with a loving message to him that you do not want a divorce, and that you're want to make the marriage one in which you'll both be wildly happy. And back that talk up with new behavior designed to demonstrate your commitment to the marriage. I'd strongly urge you to consider the marriage counseling offered through the MarriageBuilder's phone counseling service---Steve and Jenn Harley are both terrific, and they'd be able to help you learn and practice these new behaviors. Do start marriage counseling as soon as you can---and without your husband, if necessary. <P>I wouldn't worry about trying to "educate" your husband to get him to realize that the marriage is not only salvagable, but could be terrific. If he's in an affair, he's not going to listen (and the education will come across as a "disrespectful judgement"). There are lots of success stories here, but that's probably not what you need right now. What you need is a concrete course of action to change your marital behavior towards your husband. "Surviving an Affair" has that information in it. And the good news is that it depends only on YOU---you're the one who's got to start with the work.

<B>K</B>... just behind you!<P>Welcome <B>mam6838@aol.com</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Sounds like you need to check out my post ===><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000013.html" TARGET=_blank>Notable Posts/Threads</A>!<P><B>K</B>... veteran extraodinaire... should be listened to!<P> <P>Jim

mam<BR>WE are here for you.LOve and prayers,bethn

Okay Mam,<P>I hope you see this on Wednesday after you've gotten a good nights sleep.<P>Mam, K is right, you have to settle down a bit. I know this seems like the end of the world, but it isn't...it's just another dip in the roller-coaster.<P>Mam, really consider if you want to show your H your post. Do you want him to see how upset you were when you posted it. I dont' want to sound cruel, but I read somewhere that it's "impossible to love someone and pity them at the same time". You want your H to see you as the strong woman you are. He needs your strength right now, as his is wavering.<P>It sounds like your H is very hurt by what you have done. It will take him time to learn to trust you again. It's unfortunate that there is now an OW involved...makes things so much more confusing, but Mam, you have got to Plan A him like mad right now. You have got to show him the way home, and without getting mad...or getting desperate.<P>I know I could not tell my husband I had changed, he had to see for himself the consistent behavioral changes in me. When I'd tell him about my changes, it sounded like I was trying to sell myself...he saw right through that. He did say he cares about you...well, that's a great starting point. Many here don't even get that much out of a spouse that's having an affair.<P>Post again soon and let us know if you're doing any better today.<P>Don't show H your post unless you're absolutley sure about letting him see all of the cards you are holding...a little mystery goes a long way.<P>allison