I NEED HELP PLEASE,,,,, I need some words of encouragement or advice, I have finished my affair, I need to get through today without making contact. I have had regular contact every day with my ow using SMS messages via my cell phone for the past 6 months, its so easy to make contact, my phone is here on my desk at work, I only have to pick it up and type a message. I want desperately to succeed here, I want to fall in love with my wife again but this is so hard! its like an addiction

Itsme,<P>Addiction is an understatement!! Atleast a drug addict can get drugs to make them feel some better. This you just have to find the will in yourself. Or rely on God for the strength.<P>Look at it this way. This is what helped me. If you make that contact. I promise you that the feelings will start rushing all over again. BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, Screw the T-shirt. I got a Jacket. <P>If you make contact with her. Then it is like the affair starts all over again. Keep in your mind that the A is WRONG! This is something out of SIN. God is not going to bless it. God will not bless sin. It is just a road of heartache and depression. You think it is bad now. What if she were pregnant or something. There are people here in that situation. you could never get away.<P>I have to tell ys. I was not a very religous person until my A and my marriage was driving me nuts. Then I had to let it all go. I let God take over. I would just pray and pray that he would take the desire for OM away. <BR>I can tell you this though. Right now you think that your world has fallen apart. I was the same way. It has nothing to do with that person. It is the need that they are filling. you are thinking about her every minute. Not long from now it will turn into hours then to days. It will get easier. <BR>Just hang in there ITSME! You can do this. Come here and vent! Cry here! Be honest! You can tell us if you make contact. I have to be honest. I made contact. God i wish i had never done it. It makes it so much harder.<BR>Does your wife know about the affair? It really does help when your W knows. She can help you through the bad times. <BR>Stay strong!!!!!!<BR>Prayers<BR>Renee <BR><P>------------------<BR>We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!

Thanks inamess<P>Its great to come here for support and yes I will be honest, if I do make contact I will say, I understand that every time I make contact the withdrawal with start all over again. My wife doesn’t know about my affair, my ow is a friend of hers, I just don’t know if I could tell her, like you said things will get easier for me, I just have to stay strong!<P>I am even questioning if I have made the right decision here, if you have read my other posts you will realise that my wife had an affair herself early last year, I found out from someone else and spent 8 months of hell trying to recapture my love and trust for my wife. I have never recaptured love for her, this is something the ow was giving me, I just hope I can recapture my love for her, I have lost my ow, I just hope I made the right decision and I don’t end up leaving my wife to end up being alone in the future.<P>Take care<P>itsme<BR><p>[This message has been edited by itsme (edited August 02, 2000).]

Itsme,<P>I dont want to sound harsh to you. Let me say this. Your affair is no different than anyone elses here. They are all like. We all at one time thought that the OP was the soulmate. I was in your shoes. I thought my OM hung the moon. He gave me everything that my H didnt. She is no different than any other affair partner. Read these post you will find the same things written by many other people. <BR>About telling your W. I think you guys could make a foundation on this. You know why affairs happen. The reason this marriage has failed was due to the both of you. Not just her or you. The reason she had an affairr was because she had unmet needs.<BR>You want to find her needs and meet them right? Then get it out and start on the Harley method. I promise it will work. You have to both know what each other need.<P>I still have bad days on occasion. I am now 8 months into this thing. Sometimes I get ready to throw my hands up and say Screw it!<BR>My heart wont allow that to happen. I know what is right here. <P>Yeah she is all that right now. 6 months down the road I promise you will think diffetent after your W starts plan A. You all need to do this together.<P>Prayers<BR>Renee <BR><P>------------------<BR>We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!

Get rid of that cell phone...it's a temptation. DO IT TODAY!<P>Peace, ~Marie

I wish I could get rid of the cell phone, but it belongs to work, not me

Itsme -<P>Hey, just posted to you on your other thread. I know how you feel, it does feel like an addiction, that's why, in all honesty, I think you and your W should be working on this together. My H has been my greatest source of strength.<P>Like you, after I ended the affair I had these overwhelming feelings and urges to contact the OM. Sometimes, I felt physically sick, I wanted to talk to him so much. (By the way did you tell the OW that you never wanted to see or talk to her again? Many people reply to that as no contact or send a no contact letter).<P>Anyway, if you do some reading on how to end an affair, the biggest point Harley makes is the importance of no contact with the OW. It's like an alcoholic who wants a drink - it's that type of an urge, a "I can't live without it" urge, but it will pass over time.<P>The OM kept contacting me, even after I sent the no contact letter. Once time, I told my H that I just wanted to call him to see how he was doing. My H has been so supportive through this whole mess - you'll never know how wonderful he has been, but he left it up to me, but he has been reading the same infidelity literature I have been and he made one simple statement "It's up to you, but the book says that breaking all contact is the only way we can get past this." My H went as far as to say that I could still be friends with the OM!! I knew that he didn't want that, so what I had to do was focus on my H versus the OM.<P>Some days, it felt like an emergency, the phone was right here, the email, all I had to do was send a message. Whenever, I got that urge, I would go get a soda, walk around the block - anything to get physcially away from any modes of communication. I also came to this site and would just read - and see how much pain we all go through, and how much damage an affair does to a marriage.<P>Right now, you are probably going through withdrawl - you just want to see, to touch, to talk to the OW - then you would be okay, right? Wrong. The addictive feeling sI had toward the OM were not real, I didn't need him to survive or to even be happy. But I have to break away from him, in order to truly get over my feelings for him.<P>It's been four months since I told my H about the A, and I still struggle with some of the symptoms of withdrawl. The only think I thank God for is my H - my loving, patient, and kind H. If you feel like you can't tell your W about the A, then come here whenever you get the urge to contact the OW. If you haven't told her that you can't see her or talk to her anymore, you need to do that right away - if you want to rebuild your marriage.<P>Hang in there. This is a tough road for betrayers as well as the betrayed. But, if you're serious about trying to work things out with your W - you will get a lot of support from this board. Take care.

I cant believe how much time and effort you are all puting into helping me, its so good of you, I have posted before on another site and got flamed because I was having an affair even though I was fully aware of the pain I would cause my wife, but you and other people here are just listening to me and giving me some very useful advice.<P>I have told the ow no contact, I did that at the time I said I wanted it to finish, yes I am going through withdrawal, its just day one but I have almost made it (I live in England so I guess my time is different to yours, I am presuming you are American?) SKM Your husband sounds a wonderful person, he sounds very strong, I remember being 4 months into recovery I was a complete wreck! I know what you mean by the contact thing feeling like an emergency, I keep looking at my phone, it would be so easy to contact her. Earlier today I was having a crisis at work, I felt like making contact, she would have said some nice words and made me feel better. What makes things worse for me this week is that my wife is away with our kids on vacation, I will re-join them on Friday but I had to come back to work this week, I am lonely when I get home and start thinking about my ow.<BR>

Hey -<P>Yes, I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy - but not quite so dandy anymore . . .<P>Anyway, when you feel lonely, why not call your W and kids - just to say hi. Or better yet, send them a postcard - from home!! Let them know how much you miss them! Why not bake them some scones (my H and I visited England two years ago on vacation) and take them with your on Friday. Do anything to stop thinking about the OW. For me, the hardest part is when I go to sleep at night, I think a thousand thoughts at once - really haven't been sleeping very well lately. Just keep trying . . .Keep focused on your family . . .Don't contact the OW . . .Go to your W for the support you need - not the OW. You can get through this - it just takes time . . .It's taken me four months, and it's been 1 month with absolutely no contact. Just take it one minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time. Treat yourself to something special - even if it's just a cup of tea - when you make it through one day without talking to her. Pretty soon, you'll be up to a week, then before long it will be a month. Set little goals, so that you can achieve your overall goal. You can do it, trust me! <P>I have seen other sites, mainly for betrayed spouses, but this is the only board I feel comfortable coming to for advice. While the betrayed spouses on this board have been hurt deeply, they have been a big source of inspiration to me. Everyone here knows the pain of infidelity - from both sides, and I have learned a lot since coming here.<P>Keep posting - when you feel those urges.

Hi again SKM :<P>Thanks for your advice, basically I need to keep myself busy, I cant wait for Friday it just seems so far away, it should be easier after then we are going on vacation for 2 weeks next Tuesday, cant wait. I like the idea of a cup of tea, especially being English LOL<BR>

I'm rooting for you out here in cyber land to make it to your vacation without any contact!!! <P>I am a smoker (yuck, I know) - and this is definitely an addiction! I think it is an accurate analogy when compared to an affair!<P>You ARE in an addiction with OW, - my gosh! You felt so lousy for so long, so vulnerable, so empty - it is natural to want to make contact with something that has at least helped to relieve your pain and give you hope. <P>But remember, its me, it is False Hope! So, the best thing you can have going for you is no contact!!!! We're rooting for you! You can do this!<P>Write us when you need a lift. We are here for you! Don't make that contact!<P>I want to let you know that you are valuable, and you do have a future. You can make your marriage be all that you want it to be, but it is going to take the first step of no contact to make this happen!<P>TNT

Hi itsme,<P>OK you can't get rid of the phone. But you can put in the bottom drawer, or across the room. Everytime the urge comes, pinch yourself, hard.<P>You can do this.<P>Take care.

Trustntruth<P>I am a smoker too (yuck!!) I had not smoked for a few years until the discovery of my wife’s affair, I’m afraid I fell back into the habit then. I have been wanting to give up but at the moment I have to get rid of my other addiction before I tackle the smoking. If I can make it through to the vacation without contact things will be better, I hope! 2 weeks with my wife and kids in the sun will do us the world of good, I hope it will give me a chance to talk with my wife and express my feelings, we will have a chance, away from the pressures of everyday life to get close again. This is what I want.<P>Its hard just now, I am sitting at home, the house it quiet, no kids running around LOL but its lonely, I am trying to keep busy, to take my mind of the ow. <P>hanora<P>Great idea about hiding the phone in a drawer, thanks I will try that one.<P>Take care and thank you <P>itsme<BR>

It'sme your biggest FIRST step on the road to recovery is this board!!!!<BR>Keep coming back, I know everyone here will help you. Ask and you will receive as much help as you need.<BR>You will gain wonderful and helpful insight here and down the road may be able to help "others" in your shoes.<BR>If my H would ever come here on his own...I would be on cloud nine!!! Of course he still hasn't gotten the message of "no contact".<BR>So now that he has been involved in the "affair", I die each time I know he has contacted her, because I know it will be that much harder to "let go" again.<BR>So BRAVO for you and please write to us, "DON'T PICK UP THAT PHONE"...<BR>Your friend at MB<BR>Tyra

Itsme,<P>I just wanted to drop in and see how you were doing. Stay Strong through this. <BR>Just keep that chin up. It seems so hard right now. I can promise it will get better. <BR>What seems like minutes now. Will be hours later on down the road. <P>Im sure it is lonenly there at home. Get out and do something. Otherwise you will end up making contact. HAs she tried to contact you? I know you guys work together. How often do you see her on a normal work week?<BR>Take Care <BR>Renee<BR><P>------------------<BR>We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!

Hi there, thanks for all the posts, I am at work now, so its not too bad, keeping busy, last night was hard, sitting at home on my own, felt pretty low. Yes ow sent me a text message this morning saying "hope you are ok, I wish I could understand you" I didn’t respond. Renee my ow doesn’t work with me, she is a friend of my wife’s she is married also and lives just around the corner.<BR>I am staying strong!<P>itsme<BR>

itsme,<P>Until you feel strong enough try to avoid any contact with OW, as she is your w's friend if you know they are going to met DON'T BE THERE! and things like that.<P>Do it ONE DAY AT A TIME. Set goals, do an strategy just for one day.<P>Hang in there!!

OW--A friend of your wife? What an awful situation you must be in. I feel for you. Yes, a vacation is definately in order for you to spend some time alone with your family. Don't take your phone with you!<P>I am on the other end of things as the betrayed guy, but I still understand how hard it must be to let go.<P>Getting away from her for a while might help you step back and see the big picture. Good luck!

Trapito<P>Thank you, yes I am taking one day at a time, almost through day 2! I am going to try my hardest to avoid being around her, that’s good advice.<P>Bernzini<P>Yes it is an awful situation but its of my own making, I knew what I was letting myself in for but its only when you stop it and step back that you begin to realise what sort of a mess you are in.<BR>I have been on the other end of things too, so I know how hard that is, my wife had an affair early last year, I never really got over that, it destroyed my love for her. I am hoping the vacation will give us some valuable time together.<P>Take care<P>itsme<BR>

Hang in there! You are doing so well.<BR>Try starting a journal - maybe writing things down when you are low or lonely will help.<BR>Definitely call you wife when you feel the urge to call someone.<BR>