Hello Everyone,<BR>For those of you who have read my past posts, you would have gotten the impression that I am really strong in my loving feelings towards my H. This is true and has not changed. Our marriage is on it's way to being rebuilt and I think it would go a lot better if my mind wasn't filled with my OM still. I ended the affair with my OM over three weeks ago and saw him for the first time last Friday. Every since then - all I can do is think about him. All of the good memories are coming back and he is on my mind from the time I wake up in the morning until I fall asleep (usually thinking about him). What am I doing???? Why???<BR>I guess it didn't help matters when I talked to him for a while today. He called around my break time so we just talked for about 10 minutes. He had no hidden adjenda for calling, he just wanted to see how I was doing. I know that goes against every "no contact" rule out there but I didn't think about that at the time. I know this withdrawl thing is really hard but how can I be CONSISTANTLY strong? I still care deeply for this OM and don't want to hurt him any more than I already have. He is a kind person and deserves someone special (not me because I am already married).<BR>Suggestions?<P>Brynn

Brynn - I think your profile says it all:<P>--------------------------------------------<BR>I want to proove to him that I want to be married to him and only love him forever.<BR>--------------------------------------------<P>If this is true, then you owe it to yourself, and your husband to take "extraordinary" steps to make sure you don't come in contact with the OM. It will only cloud your mind, and take your efforts away from your husband. You say he may not have a hidden agenda, but the mere fact that he called you shows that he does not really care about you or your marriage. It is my belief that someone with real morals would not interfere in someone else's marriage.<P>My wife is in a similar situation to yours...except she has the opportunity to see or talk to the OM every day at work. She has not taken the "extraordinary" steps to stay away from him, and our recovery is suffering greatly because of this. The more posts I read, the more I understand why there has to be NO CONTACT.

I think that the best way for you to handle this situation is to remember all the pain you cause your H when you are with the OM, and remember all the progress you have made in reconciling with your H and if you really want to throw all that away.<P>If he calls again, let him know that calling is not aceptable, and not to do it again. Its harsh but it is the only way.<P>It may or may not be true in your case, but my W thought the OM were good people during and for a short time after the affairs ended.<BR>Time allowed her to see them for what they really were "*%!!!$^" (i'll let you fill in the blank)<P>Even if this is not the case you have to think of your marriage first, talk with your H, let him help you be strong.<P>Remember your H has his limit, don't find out what it is after it's too late to save your marriage.<P>good luck, you can do it <BR>Jason

A kind man will not devastate a marriage. <P>You only owe your marriage, not this guy. Do what it takes to lose him.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

brynn,<BR> <BR>You have the answer already. Every time you see the OM you go back to square 1. You cannot contact him or allow him to contact you. Here is the final test.<P>Are you more worried about hurting the OM's feelings than your H. Does not hurt OM's feeling come before you marriage? If the answer is NO to both questions, then there can be no contact. If yes, then you must rethink your commitment to your H.<P>The no contact rule is a requirement and you are exactly the data that proves it to be so. Everytime you have contact with OM he reenters your life. Your H should not and probably will not share you with OM. It is a no brainer. You have the data. Besides that you still have other things to tell you H do you not?<P>Think about this. It is very hard to do but you must do it.<P>Good Luck and God Bless You and Your H

Does this No Contact also apply to a non sex affair. Strong Emotional connections were made, my W admitted to having mental sex with him, in the mind, God says thats the same as the real thing. One of my kids and one of the OM's are both on the same sports team ,and the season has just started. Oh joy. I have spoken with the OM, he agrees to abide by whatever I want. He is also married and I have a taped phone conversation with him talking about it all! Learned it from Linda Tripp! <BR>Ive read Harley's comments about no contact, but they all seem to focus on the full blown sexual affairs, not much about the "almost" but got caught in time affairs! <P>------------------<BR>jnvc<BR>

brynn,<P>Everyone says it...<BR>No contact means No contact!<P>jnvc,<BR>Yes... ideally... have no contact...<BR>If at all possible... (I don't know the circumstances)... switch sports team!<P>Jim

Brynn,<BR>Have you read Surviving an Affair by Harley?<BR>It talks about how important the no contact rule is and how the clock resets when there is contact. Just remember that this man just about destroyed your marriage. I am Duck and Weaves spouse (the one that betrayed). Have you written this guy the "no contact" letter telling him in no uncertain terms that it is over? I told the OW on the phone that it was over and sometimes I wonder if I should have written a letter. It seems that she still just happens to be where my wife and I are sometimes. I have not talked to her though.<P>JNVC---See "Best Friend Betrayal" it might help you there seem to be many similarities between your story and ours. I'll put it back up to the top so you dont have to search for it.<P>Duck and Weaves betrayer (husband)

Hi Brynn,<P>I am also the betrayer, I read your profile and I noticed how you said that you have no marital problems whatsoever and you love your husband with all your heart. But there must be emotional needs that NOT your getting at home, unresolved issues. You need to find out what's missing in your marriage.<P>You are unhappy and your looking for that happiness in other men. Maybe your unhappy with yourself. I know it's hard, but you won't find that happiness in another man, if you were to lose your husband, you'll probably end up going from relationship to relationship always feeling empty inside.<P>The affair has only been ended for three weeks, you are still in deep withdrawal and believe me I know what your going through. <P>It takes time and all the willpower you have to get through this. You might have alot of setbacks but eventually you'll learn that everytime you bang your head against the wall, the worse you'll feel. Everytime you have contact with OM, he will only cause you additional pain. <P>You will only find the happiness your looking for by truly breaking free from him, which means no contact. Even the slightest, seemingly innocent contact can be a killer. He is an addiction, and believe me I understand that you feel sorry for him and it hurts you to see him hurting, but he is in withdrawal as well, the best thing you can do for him is to end all contact.<P>Try and think about your husband, think about your future with him. Your husband loves you very much.<P>[This message has been edited by Hummingbird (edited December 08, 1999).]<p>[This message has been edited by Hummingbird (edited December 08, 1999).]

Hi brynn,<P>I am also a wife who betrayed, and I have to work with my OM.<P>I wrote on someone else's thread, and repeat here, that I had to go through phases to get where I am today re: contact. Instead of going through these phases, learn from my mistakes and go straight to the last phase (Pass Go, collect $200)<P>NO CONTACT: No personal email - you can tell the diff between business email and personal. No chat rooms, no IM, no contact through the computer. I did the "okay, send clean jokes, okay send jokes you'd send anyone else" and before long I was getting a card "he'd send to any friend"... yeah, right! No contact is tough if you see him at work, around town, etc. but it can be done.<P>When a memory comes, do something like snap a rubber band on your wrist. Behavioral stuff, but it works. I bought one of those "Buddah" bracelets, wood beads on elastic, and it reminds me to stay balanced (I have a TON of trouble with that one) and I snap it when I think of OM... no need to do that too often any more.<P>Throw away any and all things associated with OM. Letters, gifts, pictures, etc. Or better yet, let your H do it. My H burned some stuff, and let me keep one thing. Within a month, I took it out to him and told him to throw it away. I didn't want it anymore.<P>Come here often... but be forewarned, you'll get addicted. Trade the addiction of him for the addiction of this place if you have to (that's what I did!).<P>You've gotten lots of good advice here... be sure to read Hummingbirds words about withdrawl, it wasn't so long ago that she was in your place... and maybe I helped her when I was in her place, and Holly helped me when I was in Hum's place... and so on. You can be a help to the next woman who is hurting. See??<P>~Sheryl

Brynn,<BR>Withdrawal is terrible. Every time you have contact with om, you start back at square one. You need to write you om a letter telling him that you do not want to have any further contact with him period. Let your h read the letter. It took my h about 3 months to get through total withdrawal and there was no contact. Your marriage will not make it if there is continued contact. The om will continue to fill those emotional needs and your h won't stand a chance. It is tough, but in the long run you will be better of. Go do the right thing. NO CONTACT!!

I guess you have to make the decision to let go. I know how hard it is to do...however, would you rather think of the OM all the time or move on with your life?<P>I know how good it feels to have any contact with the OM...but, you know that it always makes you feel worse in the long run. It just hurts way too much.<P>You will always have thoughts of the OM if you remain in contact. In fact, you will have thoughts of the OM even if there is no contact...but, the thoughts won't be as "fresh" and they won't hurt as much.<P>Like Hum said, if you don't want to hurt the OM more than you already have, you have to give him the opportunity to heal and move on...and that means letting him go completely.<P>I know you realize that no contact with the OM will have to happen sooner or later if you really want to heal and rebuild your marriage. Why don't you make it happen now, quick cold turkey before any more pain is caused. Look forward to a future where you can be happy with your decisions and feel free.<P>new_beginning--<P>I just got one of those "buddha" bracelets a couple of weeks ago!

Brynn, <BR>I have a question... Is OM married? If so, think about what you are doing to her as well, by continuing to have contact. If not, just follow the advice you have gotten from everyone else. There is no way to have contact and try to rebuild your marriage. I like NB's idea of the rubber band snapping..give it a try.<BR><P>------------------<BR>God Bless you and yours,<P>Sheryl W.<P>www.widesmiles.org/gallery/britanie<BR>

NO CONTACT WHATSOVER!<P>My H betrayed me. Although it has been 9 months since his affair ended...the skank tried to contact my H through e-mail. He responded by forwarding stupid jokes. Throughout those 9 months, we have been recovering....but this SINGLE e-mail contact set us back to the beginning.<P>Now, the affair feels so fresh again. Instead of being 9 months ahead...it's as if it occurred yesterday.<P>The pain is so great and now I am even more resentful than before. To know what it feels like, you would have to be on the other side of it. Think of the trauma your H has had to endure. Why prolong his suffering?<P>Move forward with your H instead of backwards. As you recover from this, you will eventually see the OM for what he truly is. He will seem so unimportant to you and you will even wonder why you let him invade your marriage.<P>I wish you lots of luck. Please do the right thing....

Thank you all so much for the truth. I know that making contact sets me back to square one. It is just so hard not to care about this man because I still have strong emotional feelings there (it was the base of our affair) and I 'remember' all of the time. Is me not seeking out this contact a step in the right direction though? I can't stop him from coming into the store but I can avoid speaking to him. He is hurting and that kills me because I caused that pain. <BR>I spoke to another co-worker of mine and asked her some questions about what she has heard (this is wrong but I did it). He is basically not going thru withdrawl from me because he thinks that my feelings will over-rule my strength to rebuild my marriage. He is not married (to answer your question mitme) so I don't think he is really 'dealing' with anything. I am not worried that he will ever act on his feelings towards me again. He knows that I want to remain in and work on my marriage with no interfearence from him. He does want to see me happy - he just hopes that it will be with him. <P>Here I go on and on about this man when the real reason why I am here is to find out what I need to do to help and fix my marriage. I want to do this and make it thru the withdrawl that I am feeling. I am addicted to this OM - addicted to what he has told me and how he expressed his love for me. I guess it sounds like an AA meeting but I am addicted and need to strengthen my marriage to end this addiction.<P>Hummingbird - I think your post hit me in the heart the most. <P>How can I say that I have no marrital problems whatsoever when I just had an emotional affair with another man? Something is wrong here. Why am I seeking?<P>I still want to feel the 'love' that I received from the OM. How can I stop that? Will no contact make it fade away?<P>Confusion is my middle name now. Where do I find one of those Buddah bracelets?<P>Thanks for all of your words and advice,<BR>Brynn <BR>

Brynn,<P>My husband is in your position but has had no contact except for one phone message since August 27th. He says the urge is easier to control, but the desire is no less. The way he keeps from contacting is to remind himself that it will do nothing but cause some brief moments of excitement for himself and the OW, but then cause days of renewed despair for all of us.<P>The one phone message he did leave the OW proved to do just that. So, only negativity is accomplished overall, and the pain your husband would have is excrutiating because it undermines all of your efforts and feelings towards him. However, you really do need to tell him whenever there is contact so he can begin to trust and reestablish openness with you.<P>Good luck. Remember, you now must face the consequences of the choices you made that hurt your marriage if your goal is to focus on your husband.<P>Jenn

Maybe you need to think about it this way....if this OM really cared about you, he would step aside, avoid any contact with you and allow you to work on your marriage with no interference from him. He wouldn't be coming into your store to rekindle the flame or keeping that flame alive.<P>This OM sounds so selfish and is only thinking of one thing....TO GET YOU. He doesn't care about your happiness or the survival of your family. He only cares about what he can accomplish, regardless of who gets hurt. Why would you want to be with someone who is like this? You love your H but this OM's presence will continue to hurt your H. Do you want to prolong your H's suffering? Just food for thought...<BR>

I am new to this board but I want to put in my 2 cents anyway. I am the BW. My H did not cut off contact and wound up seeing the OW again.....both of them as far as I can tell. It is destroying our marriage. Like you, he blames this on himself, not on me. I ask myself everyday why I am still here and one day I may not be. If you truly want to make your marriage work, you have to do this......you say he called to see how you are without a hidden agenda...I don't believe that for 1 minute. There's always an agenda.....The question is what is your agenda? If it is to build up your marriage then please CUT him off completely. Take it from someone who has been hurt and deeply injured by this very thing.<P>------------------<BR>~Hope~

Thanks again for setting me straight. I am strong about my efforts when I talk about the situation...but...very weak when I am alone with my thoughts.<P>Guess I have joined the club.

Hi all,new at this postingstuff a "H" here. I need some advice. <BR>Advice about the no Contact rule.<BR>I am the betrayed H , my W had an emotional affair with a dad from our kids sports team. It was short but so fast! about total 3-4 weeks, two private meetings, one of those was intimate, they kissed (horizontal) hugged, he asked lots of intimate sexual questions, she answered them!, strong emotional attachment. Lots of phn calls after this one intimate meeting. He told her he loved her several times, he wanted Sex but she said no way. I was not filling her love bank, he was. <BR>I caught it in time, oh so close!, by reading her email, i had the password. <BR>She said she would end it, she did, this was Sept 8. He called once 3 weeks later, God planned this, I was at work but on the phn to W and he called, I was on hold! hee hee..he was testing the waters...she was mad that he called. but no other contact until recent.<BR>Our team sports season is starting up, practices, games starting. They have had one contact, but another mother was with them and my son so no private contact time. We have a whole season to go thru potentially seeing him severaltimes a week. I have talked to the OM , he is sorry, and says he will do whatever I ask. He is married too, and does not want to risk that. OM's wife does not know. Any suggestions? I am just uneasy about thsi after reading all this no contact stuff. Our Pastor also said , take your kid off the team if need be. Kids don't know yet, they would if we removed from team! <BR>Help. thanks. sorry its so long. :-(<P>------------------<BR>jnvc<P><BR>[This message has been edited by jnvc (edited December 10, 1999).]<p>[This message has been edited by jnvc (edited December 10, 1999).]