Hmmm...still getting use to the forum and posted under creative affection...wrong!<P>I would like to know your thoughts about how to show my H that his sarcasm is hurting me. For the last few weeks, every time there is a touching scene on TV or in real life my husband gets sarcastic and cynical. Last night a couple got married on TV and then the wife died and of course the husband was broken up about it...my husband scoffed and said "what's your problem buddy, don't you know there are other fish in the sea?" I was visibly upset about this but he does not seem to get it. It appears to be his way to barb me at times without directing it toward me.<P>He also has stopped telling me he loves me. I asked him about it and told him it makes me very sad. He said that he does love me and that it makes him sad too, but he continues to hold back. If I ask him if he still loves me, he tells me of course he does.<P>I feel guilty at times and don't want to push things. I am grateful that he continues to work on our marriage.<P>We took the emotional needs quiz and affection and conversation were my #1 and#2 areas. he has tried to be more affectionate and I am enjoying his attention. How do I make him realize that I need to hear from him that he does love me. This was a major hole before that I believe pushed me in the direction of the A. I felt he did not love me anymore and that he was going to leave. I guess I thought I would beat him to the punch line.<P>Please give me your thoughts on how I should proceed. You all have such great insight and I am desperately trying to improve my marriage.

Welcome <B>Starry-eyed</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>I'm not 100% clear with your situation...<P>When you wrote... "before that I believe pushed me in the direction of the A"... did you mean that you have had an affair?...<BR>Does your H know about it?<BR>If so... are you in counseling?...<P>There is more to MB than just <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>...although it (<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>) is very important...<BR>...read up on...<BR>......<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>The Four Rules for a Successful Marriage</A><BR>......<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>.<P>Stay here and keep posting...<P> <P>Jim

Some of what your husband is doing, I did as well, and "try" not to do now. For me, I think it was done for mainly two reasons, first to make sure she remembered that I was in pain, a pain that she caused. Second, to hurt her back. Both reasons are piss poor reasons for this behavior, which I don't condone at all, but sometimes emotions take over. Even now, knowing that these are major LB's, the feelings to strike back rears it's ugly head and it becomes a real struggle not to make comments like those of your husband. In time and with you <B>showering</B> him with love, affection and most of all, <B>assurances</B> that he is the only one for you, that behavior I believe will curtail. As far as the stating "I love you", even though he may feel it, it is very, very hard to tell the person that has caused you this terrible amount of pain "I love you". For me, it becomes very, very hard to look at my W, let alone say I love you to my W when there has been some sort of reminder of her affair. <P>You have to remember that affairs, while they cause tremendous pain to both sexes, have very different effects on men than women. For a man, his wife having an affair is tantamount to having his BA#$% cut off. The male ego is very fragile, he probably feels like less of a man now, at least I know I did and sometimes still do, and it will take time and your actions to make that feeling not as pronounced.<P>I did exactly what your husband is doing for most of the 12 months of recovery that my W and I have going through, it wasn't until this past month that most if not all of that behavior has subsided, and it is due to partly my realization that this was hindering our recovery, but mainly it was due to my W's realization that she had not really worked at becoming a better person and better wife, a more affectionate and loving wife. She knew how I felt, but thought those feelings would just go away on their own. I need to know, as I'm sure your husband needs to know, that he and he alone is who you want, that's he's not the consolation prize, even though you are with him in body, he needs to know that you are with him in spirit as well, that you are not thinking of or longing for the OM.<P>What it tooks years to build up has been destroyed in an instant and unless you make him feel like a man that has a wife that loves him and is devoted to only him, he will continue to strike out in both pain and fear.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by F A:<BR><B>You have to remember that affairs, while they cause tremendous pain to both sexes, have very different effects on men than women. For a man, his wife having an affair is tantamount to having his BA#$% cut off. The male ego is very fragile, he probably feels like less of a man now, at least I know I did and sometimes still do, and it will take time and your actions to make that feeling not as pronounced.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>F A, thanks for the male perspective here. As a woman, and a stay at home mom who left a career to devote myself to my family, it was more like a knife in my back. In one instant, I was a failure in every area of my life!<P>I too have felt that he could easily just replace me (like the two OWs). In fact, the only ones who can't are my two young kids. But I have told him how I feel straight out rather than throwing hooks.<P>Starry, does he feel safe telling you his most hurtful feelings?<P>

NSR...yes I had an A early in the year. My H found out by putting a program on our computer that forwarded everyones internet connections to him at work. I was going to end the A that week, however he beat me to the end...he confronted me 4/15 and we have been trying to repair the damage since then. I quit my job and came to CA with him to show him my marriage is top priority. WE left 5 kids behind ages 20 - 12 for the summer. this has left me feeling guilty too as my kids miss me and wish I were home. It seems that my H and kids always feel that the ohter comes first and I am in the middle. <P>I have read all the basics and do not quite understand the plan A action. maybe I should go over it again. As far as the Policy of Joint Agreement I am trying to implement that at least on my end. My H gets tired of me promising things that I don't ever follow through on so I figured if I got it down pat and he saw the results it would be a plus in my favor. Thanks for the welcome site..I will read it next...Starry-eyed

FA...thank you for the male perspective. I do believe he does the sarcasm route to remind me that he is hurting. That way he does not have to address it and make waves. Neither of us are good at confrontation.<P>I have tried to shower him with love and affection and followed him to CA to do so. It is hard for me to tell him he is the only one because it brings up the sarcasm again. I love him with all my heart and have not thought twice about the OM..it was a mistake that I regret deeply. I needed to feel important and he knew just the things to say. What a dummy I was.<P>What has made you feel special? I tuck notes away, send him cards on the computer, dress and shower every afternoon, donning his favorite perfume. I have participated in all the recreational ideas that he has thought up to share his passions. I rub his back, we have great sex and I constantly show him that I love him. I understand it will take time. I guess like all other betrayers we wish it would all disappear.<P>I just want to move forward and rekindle all the love we felt before. I also want to make this relationship more real and equal than it ever has been. I just need some help in figuring out how to do it. We both come from abused backgrounds and everyone in my family is divorced. This is his second and my third marriage. I just want to get it right and God willing I will. <P>One of the things my husband does not like about me is that I am stubborn and dig my heels in when I am up against the wall. I think that will be my saving grace this time. Starry-eyed

schizzo...I believe the only time he feels safe telling me his most hurtful feelings is when he is drunk. For about a month before we came to CA, he would ask me to sit with him while he got drunk and then let me have it with his feelings, the good, the bad and the UGLY!! I did. Some of them were pretty horrible but I know how badly I hurt him. I am not a stranger to the pain myself. I could write a book on saving other people's relationships but see that I have fallen pretty short in mine. <P>My H has never had a good female relationship and feels controlled and dominated by them. I happen to be a female that likes to be in control due to abuse that controlled me in my younger days. I have tried never to contol my H, but he was always afraid of what would happen if I got angry. When I get really mad I blow up and then it is over for me. Then he is upset for days. We are working through that now. We have had to. But safe, I don't think he has ever felt safe with a woman.<BR>Starry-eyed

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Starry-eyed:<BR><B>What has made you feel special? I tuck notes away, send him cards on the computer, dress and shower every afternoon, donning his favorite perfume. I have participated in all the recreational ideas that he has thought up to share his passions. I rub his back, we have great sex and I constantly show him that I love him. I understand it will take time. <P>I just want to move forward and rekindle all the love we felt before. I also want to make this relationship more real and equal than it ever has been. I just need some help in figuring out how to do it</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>That would make me feel pretty damn special!! <P>Yes it does take time, and I'm sure from what you are doing he does feel special, but I'm sure there are times when everything that has transpired hits him all at once and all the anger and self-doubt comes rushing back. Those will be the times that you will have to "face the music" and continue to do what you are doing. Believe me when I say that while it doesn't hurt as much or as constant as when I initially learned of my W's affair, but a year later, there are still moments when I could just punch a hole in a wall or scream and shout at her because of the anger that I may feel, or just simply cry because of the pain that I may be feeling. Just keep doing what you are doing, the sarcasm will slowly lessen, how can one continue to purposely hurt someone who showers that much love on them? It's not easy to do.<P>[quote]Originally posted by schizzo:<BR><B>I was a failure in every area of my life!</B><P>That's not just a woman's perspective, I have felt that very feeling myself. If it wasn't that feeling it was that no matter what I do or did, it isn't/wasn't good enough or doesn't stack up to the OM, who of course was Mr. Perfect.<P>Oh Yeah, Starry-eyed, keep doing what you say you are doing and the drinking and it's subsequent blasting of you will lessen as well, I've been there too. I would try to hold everything in and not talk about the affair, but everything would spill out when I would drink, which was a lot more than I had ever done in my life. I have somewhat cut down on the drinking, but even when I do, I don't blast her anymore, at least not as often and not as intensely. It seems like you are doing all the right things, just have patience.<P>

Hi Guys...I talked with my husband last night and told him that the cynicism bothered me. He said he would try to stop. He said that as far as the I love you's go...well I told him I love you before, during and after the A. So what does it mean?? He told me he loved me and I had the A anyway. As the conversation continued he asked me just what it was I needed. I guess I just want him to love me again. He has resigned himself to the fact that I can leave or not and he will be ok. I guess I wish he had more of a fighting attitude but then he still is here. I want to make a difference in his life and as he pointed out last night I sure did with the A.<BR>All I have ever wanted was to be important to him and I honestly thougtht he did not want me anymore. I was wrong. His fear is that I am so needy that no matter what he does if he stops doing it for a minute I will look elsewhere. It was over 2 years that I felt our relationship was falling apart. I am recommitted to our love and our marriage and want to learn how to have a real relationship for once in my life. How do I show him that all he has to do is meet my needs, not the ones he thinks I need but mine? How do I meet his when he isn't telling me what they are?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Starry-eyed:<BR><B>He said that as far as the I love you's go...well I told him I love you before, during and after the A. So what does it mean?? He told me he loved me and I had the A anyway.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Starry-eyed, I felt and still at times feel the same as your husband. I hope that this feeling or thought will eventually leave my mind as well, but for now this is something that you just have to deal with, this is one of the consequences of having an affair.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>His fear is that I am so needy that no matter what he does if he stops doing it for a minute I will look elsewhere......I am recommitted to our love and our marriage and want to learn how to have a real relationship for once in my life.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This again is another thought that I have often, I too wonder if I stopped meeting her needs for just a second, will she run back to the OM or find another. If this is not the case, and only you really know this, it is up to you to reassure your husband daily that you will stick it out, no matter how difficult things are.<P><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>How do I show him that all he has to do is meet my needs, not the ones he thinks I need but mine? How do I meet his when he isn't telling me what they are?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>By telling him what your needs are and communicating with him when he is meeting them and when he is not. Communicate with him your feelings when your needs are being met as well as what you are feeling when they are not being met. Right now he probably can't tell you what his needs are because he probably doesn't know what they all are, he is in shock right now, and you need to understand that. Your affair is over, and you probably want everything to just go away and be alright, but it doesn't happen that way, there is a lot of self-esteem issues, trust issues, and pain that must be overcome, and that doesn't happen overnight. It is going to take time and it is going to be difficult.<P>

FA, I am more than willing to deal with the consequences of my actions. I know how badly I screwed up. I really want to help him feel better and I know that will take time. <P>I do tell him when he is hitting the nail on the head regarding my needs. I am getting better at telling him what does not work. Some things he is willing to give, others he is not. I understand. I just continue to stay vigilant and watch for things that seem to comfort him or make him feel good. <P>His self-esteem issues were always in the foreground way before the A. Yesterday I took our boys to the beach, used plenty of sunblock, yet we all got burned! He is upset because he took us, so it is all his fault we got burned...this is stuff that I don't know how to counter. He is a good man, I just don't know if he has ever believed it. Any suggestions from you guys out there how to turn this around??<P>I appreciate everyone's input. This forum is a good way to really seek out life's answers. God Bless and Keep you all...Starry-eyed