I have just had a huge bust up with my H on the phone. I ended up telling him how he had ruined my life and the children's. I told him that I cry all the time and that I miss him.<P>He says that he gave this separation a lot of thought and he wants to be with OW not me. He sees no reason for me not to divorce him as she will need her visa renewed eventually. He will only resent me if I do not. He says that we have no future what so ever and I would be best to give up.<P>He sounds so happy that I ache after I have spoken to him - perhaps I should just agree to the divorce - I certainly do not want him to resent me.<P>Help me someone please

I'm not sure what your story is but I wouldn't feel the need to 'accommodate' them. I wouldn't hold out on the divorce just out of spite either. You have to make the decision that's best for you. Are you ready to give up yet? If yes, then let him go & release yourself as well. If you're not ready yet & feel you must hang on at least for a little while longer, then do that. Don't let the WS & OW decide that for you. And remember that should things end between you two, you can carry on. You must also concentrate on yourself, your children etc so that you're not crying all the time and not missing him all the time. My H once commented to me that my dependence of him scares him. So now I'm trying to show him how "independent" & strong I am. He doesn't want me to 'need' him or be 'needy'. Of course I never thought of myself like this...but oh well that's the way he sees it.

My H proposed divorce, too, right after he started seeing the OW. I didn't know what was going on (the affair was a secret) but I told him that if he wanted a divorce so badly that he would be the one to file the paperwork--it was his baby, we wanted it, so he would be the one with the dirty job.<P>He kept dragging his feet, so two months later, I called and said "What's going down?" He was doing the "Um, um, um." thing. It wasn't a week later that he called ME and asked if I wanted to "talk."<P>I am not tying to give you false hope, but I think that letting someone loose is the #1 way to get them to see reality. (You know that old proverb of the '60's: If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was.)<P>Wait him out and keep in touch with Marriage Builders for a listening ear. Like I said, if he is so certain of his future, let him be the one to make the moves. In the meantime, hang tough. YOu are an important person, so do what you can to develope yourself for you and your children's sakes.'

Thanks for the advice.<P>Any more advice on how to avoid bust ups. I seem to go along fine and the without warning I find myself telling him what to do and what I really think. Perhaps I should stick to emails.

Hi Annie:<P>Sorry that you are hurting so much today. <BR>Wish we could take it all away but only your H and you can do that. What's needed right now is something to make you feel better.<P>To begin with, remember H is in middle of "fog" and everything he says or does has to be evaluated with that in mind. Right now what is going on with him and OW is the most important thing in the world to him...not you, not your kids, not his family...nothing is more important. It won't always be that way but it is right now.<P>So it's important how you react to all this. You know crying and begging will get you nowhere...he doesn't care...in his mind its over with...he's found the "love of his life."<P>Ok, what do you do? My H has never wanted a divorce but he is not willing to give up OW either...so I had to ask him to leave...until he could be finished with her.<P>But how do I deal with him while he's in the middle of the affair. I tried crying and making him feel sorry for me...he feels bad but still wants to do what he wants to do.<BR>Then I tried LB and threats of leaving...that didn't work either.<P>Then one day someone posted this link here about "letting go" and it has been my godsend:<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/003711.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/003711.html</A> <P>I have printed off this article by Dr. Dobson and whenever I encounter a bad period I take it out of my purse and read it over.<P>I think it's appropriate for anyone who is having difficulty with the pain of S living with OP. If he wants OW then set him free, Plan A him when you have the chance, but basically realize that there is nothing you can do or say that will change this, only time will do that.<P>Dr. Dobson is right about how this changes you too. It has enabled me to function without LBing and to greet my H with love and acceptance whenever we're together.<P>I agree that if he wants the divorce let him get it...you just say that this is not what you want...it is his choice to leave the marriage...and leave it at that...don't discuss it anymore.<P>It's time to stop being a victim now and get back your self-respect.<P>Let us know how you're doing.<P>Buffy<BR>

Buffy thanks what a wonderful article. I have printed it and put it in my bible. I will look at it whenever I need inspiration which will probably be a lot at the moment. It is very strange to read an article which seems to be explaining your life.<P>Thanks for pointing me in the right direction<P>A

Annie,<BR>First of all I want to tell you how bad I fel for you. I can feel the pain you are feeling just by reading your post. Last year at this time that was me almost to the exact words. Heck even a few weeks ago I was on here again thinking my marriage was over for good again. The first thing I want you to do is to stop telling him just how much you miss him. He may not act like that is what he wants to hear but believe me he does. If you keep telling him how much you miss him he will think that he will aways have a place to come home too. You will become his security blanket. I truely believe in plan A that is what got my H back but I did not beg. I went on with my life and did the things I liked to do. Pretty soon it was him begging to come home. Your H is not in his right mind right now. Nobody could be to hurt the person they have shared a life with as bad as he is hurting you. Believe me he will regret everything he has told you. He is in a fantasy right now but like all fables it will come to an end. In the mean time you move forward. Your kids need one sane parent right now and you were nominated.<BR>I would continue to be loving and supporting to a point. Let him see just how nice home can be. But let him see also that you are an independant woman who can do this on your own. If I were you I would let him file for divorce. This is his craziness and it has nothing to do with you it has to do with his insecurities but he needs to make his own mistakes. (I'm rambling again I know it, my mind goes to fast sometimes.) There is nothing you can say to him right now to change his mind, this is something he will need to do on his own and it will take time. It will be up to you just how much you are willing to take. Like I said, continue to be his friend,be somewhat supportive but don't let him take advantage of you. Above all remember the kids and the fact that even though Daddy is screwed up they still love him, so please encourage contact.<P>If you need someone to talk to you can e-mail me.<BR>red_59@hotmail.com