I have never been able, in the 7 months since d-day, to direct my anger at my H for the betrayal. Instead, all my anger has been focused on the OW. I think I went into survival mode when the A was revealed and I saw how close he was to leaving, so Plan A almost kicked in automatically before I knew what Plan A was. But I sure ranted and raved about the OW. I saw my H as the victim, and her as a predatory, unfeeling tramp with no conscience. I guess I also feel that women are suppose to be more sensitive to the pain they may be causing their "sisters", where as men are naturally weak - I know, a real sexist attitude on my part. My H said "we were both looking for trouble and we found it." But she was single, and within a few months of their fling, was telling him she wanted to spend her life with him, even though he said he would never leave me. Of course my husband crossed the line that he never should have, but to vent my wrath on him would only drive him closer to her, so I have totally avoided any expression of anger towards him. Now, I no longer express my anger at her to him, but when I get angry in private, it is all aimed at her. Is this healthy? Don't you need to get your anger out appropriately and vent to the person that caused you all the pain? In reality I know that my H is just as much, if not more to blame, as he was the married one with the vows, marriage and family at stake, but I have never been able to aim it in his direction. We are well into recovery, but I worry that I have always suppressd my anger towards him, and that this is not healthy. Any ideas? <BR>

Hi Ever<BR>the simple answer to your question is because its easier that way you don't have to live with the o.w but you do love and live with your H right ? So as I said its just the easier thing to do I am pretty sure that we all do it... I know I do I also know as you do that it takes two the anger to your H will come later but I assure you it will come..and go and things will be as they should be<BR>Hope to have been of help

My H's OW was a brazen hussy. Really she was. She preyed upon H in a bar (he rarely was in a bar) and then called him, actually gave him a phone card and within a week was urging him to leave his family. This was not her first married man...or her second.<P>HOWEVER, I had no problem holding H 100% accountable and the OW 0%.<P>Sure she was a contributing factor. I don't think H was looking for it or even knew what "hit" him. <P>But he was accountable for his actions and his marriage. Although as a human she should have honored another's marriage as a member of the human race and a positive contributor to society, her total lack of morals or character did not in any way excuse my H for not upholding his.<P>If I were to believe he as a male is just weak and "had" to give in, then how could I respect him as my partner in life?<P>I hold him totally accountable and I absolutely forgive his horrid destructive choice. (I have to admit, I never totally unleashed any anger directly at my H, although if OW would have contacted me in any way, I would have let her have it verbally.) <P>He is remorseful, has taken action to guard his heart and I believe he has learned from his betrayal. He did in fact betray his own integrity as much as he betrayed me.<P>I hate what he did, but I at least respect how he corrected his error. He let me down, but he recommitted.<P>To be honest, I don't know why spouses have a hard time with this, although it seems fairly commen. <P>I don't know about the health of your perspective, but think about this. If you don't hold your spouse accountable for his actions, how can you be secure of your future relationship. I know none of us knows for certain that infidelity won't revisit our marriage, but if we don't at least believe day to day that our spouse isn't capable of controlling his/her actions, how can we feel we have recovered?<P>

FH&L, I was so happy to read your response. Reading all the posts on the board I see so much anger toward the other woman. I feel as you do. I have no anger towards her only towards my husband. She also was a very lowlife type person and I think she totally manipulated my husband. But the bottom line is it was his choice. I feel pity for the other woman. She is younger than our children. Obviously she didn't have a good mom like my daughter has! She must also be in pain. He was a very good catch for her. <P>But unlike you I am not so forgiving. My husband also has recommitted 1000% but it is hard for me to accept him. It has been ten months and perhaps as everything I read says it will take the entire two years for me to recover. Right now I am working on getting stronger for myself so whatever choice I make in two years I will be prepared.

I think it is easier to focus the blame on the OW because it means not facing what the H has done, not facing who the H really is. It's hurtful to know that someone we loved and trusted is capable of deceiving us, of destroying our family.<P>I understand this. But I don't think there can be any real forgiveness or healing until the WS is held accountable. How can you talk about it if he's not at fault in your mind? How can he apologize for something he was compelled to do? It gives him license to do it again. <P>It's probably part of your healing process, but I hope you can make steps towards seeing that your H made a choice. It doesn't mean you have to kick him out for it. It just means you are getting closer to accepting him and forgiving him.

I am sad to say that I know my husband got the OW hooked emotionally. Just as he said, they "were" really good friends.<P>But the OW was the one who expressed her fantasies about sex. She was the one who made the initial moves sexually. Of course, duh, he went right along with it. Sex is the #1 emotional need for most men, and she was sure able to fulfill it.<P>When he decided to come back home for good, she was like "Oh, no you don't! Not so fast." She called me every name in the book to make make me look like an evil witch, and she really had him convinced that's what I was. She begged him to leave me and the kids and live with her. Her refused to leave the kids. (Me, I guess I was easily replaced.) So she said that if he could get custody, then she would raise my kids as her own because they were "part of him." <P>She is old and unhappy, so I guess that I should feel sorry for her. But when my counselor asked me why I have so much anger towards her and not my H ("HE'S the one who betrayed the marriage, not her!") that's what I told him: It was because she was doing everything should could to take my husband away from his family, and in our one phone conversation, she fully admits that.

FaithHopeLove, I have to disagree with you. I think that when it comes to the affair, both my H and the OW were each 100% responsible. He should have said no and told me about his feelings, she should have said no, and removed herself from the equation. Now, I think that my H and I share share equally in the breakdown of our marriage.<P>Now, why am I angry at the OW and not my H. Well, my H knows that what he did was wrong. He is not happy about it but I think he feels like he has dug a hole so deep he doesn't know how to climb out. My job is to help him make that climb. It is hard to be angry at someone who is so lost and yet trying to do the right thing.<P>The OW, on the other hand, sent me an e-mail. She said that she was sorry I was hurt, but that I basically brought it on myself. She actually had the gall to say that she did not do this [causing me pain and sorrow] to me. Now, there is a woman who is deluding herself into not accepting responsibility for her actions. Not only is she not accepting responsibility, she is shifting the blame onto me, the innocent victim of the actual affair. So, yes, I am angry at her for causing this sort of pain and showing no remorse. I am slightly angry with my H for being so deluded by how "wonderful" this manipulative, selfish little hussy really is. But, there is nothing I can do about that, so I know I have to let it go. The one problem with no contact is that the WS never gets the experience of seeing that the OP is not all they are cracked up to be. Still, I certainly wouldn't want him to be in contact with her. I can't imagine the hell that would be.<P>

OK...correction.<P>The OW was 100% for her own actions and the consequences her actions bring to her life. And I already said as a member of this human race she had the responsibility to behave decently, which she did not.<P>I just don't see that as anything to do with me or my marriage.<P>I don't think I know all the details, but I think she was threatening some kind of confrontation with me. If she would have showed up at my house, mild mannered me could have easily had a Jerry Springer moment with her on my front lawn. In fact it may have been very cleansing for me.<P>If she would have tried to contact me, I would have been extremely angry with her. Actually I am angry with her, I just don't hold her accountable for my H's behavior.<P>And since she has no business in my life, holding her accountable would really serve no purpose. So I do not. I do pray that some positive influence comes into her life to turn her around so SHE turns her life around and so SHE does no harm to another marriage, another family.<P>Otherwise she is like a tick. Get the blood sucker out of your life any way you know how and flick it aside.

I, honestly, was mad at the OW. I don't know her...have never met her...my husband found her on-line.. I chatted once with her and we have written a "few" notes back and forth. She seems like an OK person (although I do not agree with anything that she did --and I have told her very bluntly how I feel). However, all my anger is directed at my husband. She is nothing to me. I hold my husband 100% accountable. And maybe that is where I am having a hard time dealing with all of this. I view it as he pursued her (although he insists it was mutual and she "did" do many more personal things that would hurt her husband than my husband did.. she had him in her home, they had sex in the husband's bed, she cooked him dinner, she called him from her home and he called her home ... she doesn't know where we live or our phone number.. my husband would never tell her those personal things). My husband is home now. He told me about the affair. He stopped contact before he told me. He is doing everything he can to help me to heal and help us recover. It has only been 6 weeks... yet.. I don't know if I can get over the anger.<BR>

FaithHopeLove, I should have put a qualifying statement on my disagreement with you. I meant it in the nicest way, really. I reread my post and thought maybe it sounded a bit confrontational.<P>I do agree with you that each one of them is 100% accountable for their actions. I also pray that some positive things will happen in her life--partially because I know that she can find happiness elsewhere with a single man and if she does, she will truly be out of our lives for good. Of course, I'll never know if that happens.<P>Sorry, if my response sounded a bit abrupt. I really didn't mean for it too.

I didn't take it confrontationally. I should have been clearer <P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>If you don't hold your spouse accountable for his actions, how can you be secure of your future relationship<P>[/B]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>FaithHopeLove, <P>Thanks for your reply. Believe me, I do hold him accountable, just don't vent my full wrath at him. I know it is just as much his fault for being her "partner in crime", and as the married half of this A, <BR>he should have behaved. He has been very apologetic and admits it was a terrible mistake, and I have been very sympathetic. <BR>I have expressed alot of hurt and pain, but little or no anger. But I don't want to be angry at my H, I want to show him how much I love him, and make him realize how much he loves me - I want to win him back out of loving actions, not venting at him. I think it is true that he is the one we have to live with - I don't agree that you need to express your anger in order to forgive. It just makes me wonder where all that anger is being suppressed. <P>Anyway, like many of you, I view the OW as manipulative, selfish, mean, immature, etc etc. My husband has told me that she "really is a nice person", but I don't believe that nice persons deliberately try to destroy a marriage and break up a family, and that was her goal. I have no sympathy at all, for a woman that goes after a married man, or allows herself to get involved with and continue an A with a married man when she realizes all the pain she is causing his loved ones. My husband never painted a picture that he was unhappy, didn't love me, and was "up for grabs". He freely admits that he just wanted a little fling, and she made it clear she was willing. Not that this excuses his behavior, but she starting flirting with him from the get go, and his poor little ego wasn't strong enough to "just say no". <P>So he is very sorry for what he did, and now that he is on the other side of withdrawal, is finally seeing things for what they were, and is able to be much more apologetic for causing me so much pain. He also promises that it will never happen again, that he has learned his lession about giving in to a little fling, which ended up devestating 3 people and almost costing him his career (she was a co worker) As far as respect goes, we have discussed this, and he says he respects me more for the calm and empathetic way I have handled things, than if I would have raked him over the coals. I guess I should be grateful, that my anger has dissipated, but I wonder where it went?<BR>Will I turn into an ax murdered with all this suppressed rage? <p>[This message has been edited by Everhopeful (edited August 04, 2000).]

Maybe I misinterpreted you. I actually did not unleash much anger on H at all. I felt more hurt and disappointment than anything, although I had a few times that anger consumed me internally, but I intentionally did not show.<P>Interesting there were very few times I cried, in front of my H or privately.<P>Once when I was alone I pounded the wall in anger, but it hurt, so I didn't do that agian

I have been terribly angry at my H. I have ranted and raged about all he's done to us and to what we had. Every now and then there are still times when I find myself angry at him, for some reason, and then I realize he and I have to have another talk. Yes, he should not have done what he did, and that he did still hurts. I would like to point out that if no one lays the temptation in front of you, you are less likely to do something like that. If she hadn't been there to offer it, he wouldn't have took her up on it. For that all OW's who knew the men were married deserve all the anger that us W's can send their way. Especially when they get pg on purpose to try and hold a man they knew was never theirs to begin with. No amount of discussion will change my mind on this.