Real slow night at work, so I'm doing alot of reading/posting/thinking tonight<P>I have always let my W do as she pleases (within reason), she could go were she wanted to, do what she wanted to (chatrooms, clubs ect.) and the more I think that if I would have been more restrictive (less trusting) that I would have stopped alot of what happened before it got to the point it did.<P>Am I wrong to feel this way?<P>I don't want to become one of those men who feels the need to control every aspect of their W's life.<P>I gave her my trust and she betrayed that trust several times.<P>I just dont know anymore.<P>Part of me says "clamp down" another part says "give her enough rope to hang herself, and wait and see what happens"<P>I love my W and don't want to lose her. <P>Advice???<P>Jason

Jason,<P>Here's the rope...<P>It's the only way it will work. <B>She</B> has to see the mess she's made, <B>you</B> can't show her.<P>Isn't that just the way it is in marriage? And, in fact, in life? We always have to learn things the hard way. <P>~Sheryl

Jason,<P>I don't know exactly where you are in recovery... but in the early stages of withdrawal (your wife my or may not be through this yet... your and her call)...<BR>The extraordinary precautions that must be taken to guarantee separation(W from OM) include...<BR><OL TYPE=1> <BR><LI> Changing jobs and relocating (Situation dependent)<BR><LI> Blocking all communication (phone, e-mail, pager, etc.)<BR><LI> Accounting for time<BR><LI> Accounting for money<BR><LI> Spending leisure time together<BR></OL><BR>I probably wouldn't recommend all of these in a later stage recovery... but maybe... in a very delicate way... you can bring up some of your concerns...<P>and another reminder... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Privacy isn't something that improves marriages, It's honesty and openness that improves marriages. (page 41 of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Just a few ideas to think about...<P>Best Wishes...<P>Jim

Thanks,<P>NB, <BR>Your right it's just hard to trust again. The hard way? that seems to be the only way<P>NSR,<BR>So far we've got #'s 1-4<P>1. moved 2000 miles away<BR>2. I monitor all com. closly<BR>3. Both of us are to busy for anything else but home (mostly)<BR>4. We both balace the check book<P>5. See # 3 (trying to change this one)<P>I have told her my concerns about having trust again<P>Thanks again,<P>Jason

unseen--<P>This is currently (and hopefully, finally!) a second marriage for both H and me. We began our relationship with automatic distrust and quick jealousy on both sides due to our prior experiences. <P>Some of our friends have commented that we keep too tight a reign on each other, and our situation is compounded with conflicting work and sleep schedules...so there is always a question of what is okay, and what is not, during our personal leisure time.<P>We're easing into it...after many months. It's a combination of more trust, and more understanding of each other's feelings.<P>We've agreed to: log AOL instant messages, and always tell each other what happens when interacting with others honestly. We socialize less than we did "pre-us," but it's worth it. <P>I don't think there's anything wrong with protecting your "relationship investment," by also being honest about your feelings...if the other wants to do something that makes one uncomfortable. Check things out with each other in advance. If your spouse is worried, don't do it unless you can come to an agreement on how situations will be handled, i.e., going together, not going at all, or one going but adhering to when they SAY they will be home and what they SAY they will do, and no secrets!<P>So in answer to your question...it's not freedom that you're limiting by being honest with your W about your feelings--it's letting her make the choice of what she does but knowing how you feel about it while making the decision.

unseen2,<P>Just some thoughts about your question. First, if feel there is a difference between controlling spouses freedom and you and your spouse agreeing on behavior that is KNOWN to lead to trouble. Second, communication is really what you want rather than control or oversight of spouses behavior.<P>Let me explain further. Your W was out clubbing and on the computer meeting new people. The results of her behavior was several physical affairs and you suspect one or more internet affairs. It seems to me that, since you are rebuilding it is appropriate for you to sit down with your W and discuss the cause and effect of her behavior. It certainly led to some bad results. It is probably fair to say that you would be very concerned if she began this behavior again since she has demonstrated that she is vulnerable and cannot handle that type of activity unless with you. <P>It should be something you both agree on. If you both agree, that she should not do this type of thing without you, then you are not controlling her. She freely agrees to act like she is married.<P>This leads to the second point. Communication is crucial for dealing with the first point, but it also means that you let each other know where you are, what you are going to do, and when you will be back. THis really applies to both of you. It is really a common courtesy. You will find that if you set up the habit of doing this, that both of you will be more comfortable. It may not cross her mind right now, but you are as vulnerable to an affair as she was/is. You may love her but she has done some damage. If you communicate your where abouts , then controling stuff doesn't occur. <P>Finally, you two are married. This does mean that while it may appear controling to one or the other of the spouses, there are behaviors that are not really proper within a marriage. There are boundaries, that is what a marriage is about. THe formal setting of boundaries on the behavior of two people. You two should sit down and discuss what you think a marriage means to both of you.<P>Finally, it is not unusual for you not to trust you W at this point. In fact I would go so far as to say "You would be nuts to trust her at this point." Yet you must develop a certain level of trust or you won't have much of a marriage either. To some extent it is her job to prove to you her trustworthyness, but you have work to do here as well.<P>Finally, some of what I have said goes along with the Harleys "Policy of Joint Agreement" I believe it is called. Look it up and read it together. I know your W posts her so she can find it as well.<P>You two seem to be making great progress, but it has only been 6 months and these things take years to get over. This can be seen by the people on this board, in Harley's work, and the work of many other counselors. <P>Take care of each other, communicate, and be honest. I think you two have a great future.<P>God Bless You and Your Wife<P>JL